Don't know what to do with myself :/

[DancingFool]

I feel so lost. I know you are right and that he doesn't really care about me, at east not for the right reasons, but I still feel like it is my fault and that if only I wasn't insisting n those things, it would be better between us I keep blaming myself for this relationship not working

 

NO, it wouldn't be any better. No matter what pretzel you twist yourself into, he will ALWAYS find something wrong with you, some reason to reject you, even if he has to make one up. This isn't about you. It's about him and the fact that he doesn't want anything from anyone, not you, not anyone. He is happy with a warm body he can manipulate and keep at arm's length, but that is all and HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE.

 

So now, do you really just want to be a random warm body or do you realize that you deserve better????

 

Honestly, this vampire of a poor excuse of a man has drained you so much and has skewed your views of what's right and wrong to such an extreme that you really need some counseling to help you get out and move on. I sincerely hope that you actually muster enough energy to get the help and support that you need to break free.

[reinventmyself]

I feel so lost. I know you are right and that he doesn't really care about me, at east not for the right reasons, but I still feel like it is my fault and that if only I wasn't insisting n those things, it would be better between us I keep blaming myself for this relationship not working

 

And it's those very lies you tell yourself that prevents you from having the courage and self respect to say `no more'

 

The reason this relationship does not work is because you want something different than he is giving. You are entitled to the life you want.

 

He can't deny you that. But he clearly wont provide it for you either.

 

You need to believe that you deserve it.

Feeling guilty for wanting it is due to years of abuse and the constant message that you are not worthy.

He's tells you this message every day that he doesn't include in his life and runs to his ex.

You in turn tell yourself the same because you tolerate it.

 

It's up to you to say `no more'

 

That's where it starts and from there you just continue to move forward, one foot in front of the other and don't look back.

[lostandhurt]

It is far easier to blame yourself than to face the hard truths you do not want to accept. There is no wrong or right here. He is the way he is and probably has always been this way which may have caused the demise of his first marriage and you want what you want. There is nothing unreasonable in what you want, in fact they are some of the biggest reasons we couple in the first place. You two simply want different things and if you had known this very early on I doubt you would have continued seeing him. Just because time has passed doesn't mean what you need to do changes, sure it is harder to end things because of the deeper feelings you have but what needs to be done remains the same.

 

Do not blame yourself for wanting to love and be loved, wanting to be respected and treated as you are very important to him. His disregard for your feelings is very apparent and you know where you land on his list.

 

I know it is hard but you need to stop hoping he will change and make the change you are so afraid to make.

 

Being single is and making your life what you want it to be is a lot easier than dealing with this everyday. Waiting and hoping will not change anything or get you what you want.

 

Lost

[wilyone 11]

Omg there is sooo much good advice for you in this thread. I’m truly blown away by this forum.

 

It’s time for you to say to yourself “I want more. I deserve more.” And leave this relationship with love and grace. It will take courage but facing your fears will bring you more strength than you can imagine.

 

Try not to worry one bit about your age. I sometimes think certain types of men use that fear as leverage against us to stay in a bad relationship. Women in their mid to late 40s can pretty easily bear children if willing to use donor egg. The donor egg game basically levels the playing field between men and women.

[Batya33]

Omg there is sooo much good advice for you in this thread. I’m truly blown away by this forum.

 

It’s time for you to say to yourself “I want more. I deserve more.” And leave this relationship with love and grace. It will take courage but facing your fears will bring you more strength than you can imagine.

 

Try not to worry one bit about your age. I sometimes think certain types of men use that fear as leverage against us to stay in a bad relationship. Women in their mid to late 40s can pretty easily bear children if willing to use donor egg. The donor egg game basically levels the playing field between men and women.

 

I don't agree with this in the least. It's high risk after late 30s and obviously it's possible -more than possible -but donor eggs are expensive, the procedure has to work, etc. And older men's sperm can trigger issues/birth defects (obviously if the man is comfortable it can be someone else's sperm). She does still have time to freeze her eggs but that also doesn't "level" the playing field - just gives an alternative. I'm not about doom and gloom -I conceived naturally at age 41, almost 42. It worked out. It was a miracle in a number of ways. If I could have gotten my act together earlier and not gotten in my own way I would have, hypothetically (meaning I love my son more than anything -wouldn't want it any other way and it would have been kind of nice to have the option of having another- no regrets at all, was very prepared to have one and be done, just noting that my options were cut off because of my age and post-birth complications more typical at my age).

 

OP -if you have the chance to get out now and you are serious about wanting marriage and family you'll get out now. Not in 2 years, not in one month because he gave you flowers and said sweet things. Now.

[TheRawTruth]

I had a lovely time the day before and he could see how happy I was. I said thank you several times and was all excited about that. But at some point the next day, I started to feel a bit sad but was trying not to show it too much. But I wasn't quite as bubbly as the day before. I was getting sad because of a mixture of things: because I'm at the point where another b-day means that I'm getting older and just want the time to stop, because a family member passed away and I miss her, even much so on that day, and because even though I was very grateful for the present he got me, I just wanted to feel loved and I was holing for some closeness.

 

Now I know that man think that if they gave me a present, they ticked that box and they automatically scored like 1,000 brownie points but it doesn't work like this. All I needed and was hoping for was a nice hug and to hear that he loves me but I knew I couldn't count on him saying that. And I haven't heard that for a long time now so hoped that at least on my b-day he would make and effort to say it. But obviously he doesn't feel love towards me so it made me sad. And even though I didn't want to talk about that and was trying my best to simply enjoy the day, he just kept digging and digging and when I finally told him what I was missing, he went livid and kept saying how ungrateful I was.

 

Sounds like this is something within YOU more than it is him doing something wrong. That, or you both just show your love in completely different ways. But here's a question: If he TOLD you he loved you but NEVER ACTED like it, would that be enough?

 

If you two aren't compatible, why are you still together?