Boyfriend is possessive and jealous all the time :(

[Hollsmaur]

I've been with my boyfriend for a year and half, everything was fine at the start but of course the honeymoon period ended long ago. Well anyway, cut long story short, he's turning more and more possessive and jealous. Now what I mean is he gets really jealous of other guys, for example a new guy at work started and I didn't even speak to him but my boyfriend asked if I'd seen the "new starter" and whether I thought he was attracted or not, and I took ages to reply one time and he said "why didn't you reply? Probably texting that new bloke" bearing in mind I'm only20 and this guy is mid 30s. He also told my guy friend to "stop being too friendly" even though we just chat from time to time. I just feel like I can't have guy friends or that he's always gonna say I fancy blokes for no reason. I've ran out of things to say to him to reassure him that I only love him and not other guys. I just dunno what to do anymore

[melancholy123]

You want to know what to say? Try goodbye. Control freaks tend to get worse with time. At 20 you should be able to have whatever friends you want. No 30+ guy should be trying to control or limit your social circle.

[1a1a]

Seconded, whatever concessions you make he will move the goal posts until you are cutting off pieces of yourself to fit in an ever smaller box for him.

[thorough]

He will never trust you and his behavior will get much worse. I dated a control freak for a short period and nothing I did/said gave him trust.

[reinventmyself]

His insecurities have nothing to do with you and are his to deal with.

I agree whole heartedly with the other responses. This will continue to escalate.

I dated someone just like him and trying to prove yourself trustworthy is impossible. You will meet a demand for the sake of peace and he'll only continue to set the bar higher.

You'll slowly compromise yourself to the point that you no longer recognize yourself.

[thorough]

His insecurities have nothing to do with you and are his to deal with.

I agree whole heartedly with the other responses. This will continue to escalate.

I dated someone just like him and trying to prove yourself trustworthy is impossible. You will meet a demand for the sake of peace and he'll only continue to set the bar higher.

You'll slowly compromise yourself to the point that you no longer recognize yourself.

 

He will demand from you, the guy I was dating started asking to see my phone, my own private business, so I never let him. He told me he would trust me more if he could look at my phone, I know he would have wanted more.

[willdation]

My girlfriend sometimes asks if any girl has recently contacted me.... and she would get a bit jealous if I were to go hang out with a couple girls...and I can honestly say that does not bother me one single bit and I have no problems going to sleep at night over it..

 

 

So he got angry that you are chatting with another guy. Do you usually chat with other guys in front of him? It's a tricky situation, but I can guarantee if I was chatting with like 3 girls on my phone and my girlfriend was sitting beside me it would bother her along with every single person I have ever dated in my entire life....

 

 

I also have lots of friends that are girls and I can actually understand how this would make my girlfriend feel threatened. She is generally ok with it, but I do make an effort to not text with girls in front of her and if I go out with them, I invite my girlfriend to join us...

[IAmFCA]

People who try to control their environment think if they can control whats ariund them,they will never get hurt. Ig will never work, of course. We feel hurt, even when our loved ones dontmean to hurt us. The only person we can control is ourselves. So long as his sense of security relies on controlling your choices, he will feel insecure. Similarlh, so long as you concern yourself with whether you are complying with his requirements, you will feel insecure.

 

Our sense of security has to be rooted within ourselves because we can control only ourselves. Please yourself at risk of losing him. That is your path. The right match for you will be someone who respects your personal sovereignty , who respects your path. This bf does not and you do not accept being disrespdcted. nor should you.

 

Remember, you control only yourself. Don't try to change him. He is who he is. Just go.

[willdation]

You will also need to take a big look and see how much you love him and if overall he is a great fit....

 

To be honest here, there is no such thing as a perfect guy. Some will be alcoholics, many cheaters, some gamblers, some jealous, some inconsiderate.... EVERY guy will have a flaw....

 

Even my girlfriend is not perfect in every area, but I just had to think and see what would make me most happy and if in general this person is a great person and we share similar values.....and from experience I would MUCH rather date a girl that is a bit jealous and insecure than a girl who is nice to my face and then goes out sleeping with another guy behind my back.....

 

But so far, there is no evidence he is snooping through your belongings, he is not telling you what to wear, he is not demanding you be at home, he is not telling you which girlfriends to hang out with, he is not hacking your Facebook....he just asked about some guy at work and then got pissed about some guy he felt was trying to get in your pants (and maybe he is right...you know how many guys are "Friend-Zoned" yet hope the girl will change her mind?)

 

 

I even had a girl that I was dating say to me, "Your friends are soooo pretty. Why are you not with them?" and she looked really sad. I just cheered her up a bit and let her know I would never consider dating them no matter what....I don't feel threatened one bit cause of that...

 

Anyway, if you want to feel super free to do what you want, then perhaps a relationship will not be the best choice with your current bf....but that is your choice...and trust me, I relate to not feeling as free etc..

 

 

Before I met my girlfriend I would have girls coming over to hang out almost every single day and we would all hang out, watch movies all together sometimes 4 of us in their bed, drink wine, cook together, you name it (as they lived across from me)....Just this month I got invited to join them on a ski trip to the Alps in Austria, then on a trip to Norway, and last week they wanted me to join them on a trip to London because because they are "now single and want to have fun"...Also met a new colleague from work and she invited me go overnight to a music festival...She tried to kiss me 3 weeks ago but I decided we should just be friends and I keep distance...

 

I really do regret not being super free to do what I want...and I know I would have such a fun time, ....but.... I just had to make a sacrifice and not join them so that my girlfriend would feel comfortable....

[MissCanuck]

Having dated a guy like this - it will get worse, OP. You won't be able to appease him, because he'll always find another reason to be jealous or try to control you.

 

Seriously. Get rid of him.

[Sportster2005]

I've been with my boyfriend for a year and half, everything was fine at the start but of course the honeymoon period ended long ago. Well anyway, cut long story short, he's turning more and more possessive and jealous. Now what I mean is he gets really jealous of other guys, for example a new guy at work started and I didn't even speak to him but my boyfriend asked if I'd seen the "new starter" and whether I thought he was attracted or not, and I took ages to reply one time and he said "why didn't you reply? Probably texting that new bloke" bearing in mind I'm only20 and this guy is mid 30s. He also told my guy friend to "stop being too friendly" even though we just chat from time to time. I just feel like I can't have guy friends or that he's always gonna say I fancy blokes for no reason. I've ran out of things to say to him to reassure him that I only love him and not other guys. I just dunno what to do anymore

 

He's not going to change. You have a choice to make.

[willdation]

I agree with the above. He will not change. If a guy worrying he will loose you is something you consider despicable and disgusting behavior, then by all means break up with him...

 

Perhaps, you will find a more confident guy who chats and meets up with other girls and he will be more understanding...

[reinventmyself]

You will also need to take a big look and see how much you love him and if overall he is a great fit....

 

To be honest here, there is no such thing as a perfect guy. Some will be alcoholics, many cheaters, some gamblers, some jealous, some inconsiderate.... EVERY guy will have a flaw....

 

Even my girlfriend is not perfect in every area, but I just had to think and see what would make me most happy and if in general this person is a great person and we share similar values.....and from experience I would MUCH rather date a girl that is a bit jealous and insecure than a girl who is nice to my face and then goes out sleeping with another guy behind my back.....

 

But so far, there is no evidence he is snooping through your belongings, he is not telling you what to wear, he is not demanding you be at home, he is not telling you which girlfriends to hang out with, he is not hacking your Facebook....he just asked about some guy at work and then got pissed about some guy he felt was trying to get in your pants (and maybe he is right...you know how many guys are "Friend-Zoned" yet hope the girl will change her mind?)..

 

for example a new guy at work started and I didn't even speak to him but my boyfriend asked if I'd seen the "new starter" and whether I thought he was attracted or not, and I took ages to reply one time and he said "why didn't you reply? Probably texting that new bloke" bearing in mind I'm only20 and this guy is mid 30s. He also told my guy friend to "stop being too friendly" even though we just chat from time to time.

 

I don't think she's dealing with garden variety insecurities and yes, most of us have them. It's what makes us human.

But what she is experiencing is irrational questions, challenging her integrity and interfering in her personal life.

She's just catching on early and not waiting until the guy is 'rummaging through her things and telling her what to wear, etc' (as if this is something to be thankful for)

 

I get this might be a sensitive issue for you because you are dealing with your lady's insecurities. It sounds like you are handling your experience well.

But I dont think her experience is the same as yours and if she's here saying she doesn't know what to do anymore, than that's her experience.

For her it's gone too far.

 

Trying to talk her into overlooking it because after all "Some will be alcoholics, many cheaters, some gamblers" is not a good enough reason.

[thorough]

for example a new guy at work started and I didn't even speak to him but my boyfriend asked if I'd seen the "new starter" and whether I thought he was attracted or not, and I took ages to reply one time and he said "why didn't you reply? Probably texting that new bloke" bearing in mind I'm only20 and this guy is mid 30s. He also told my guy friend to "stop being too friendly" even though we just chat from time to time.

 

I don't think she's dealing with garden variety insecurities and yes, most of us have them. It's what makes us human.

But what she is experiencing is irrational questions, challenging her integrity and interfering in her personal life.

She's just catching on early and not waiting until the guy is 'rummaging through her things and telling her what to wear, etc' (as if this is something to be thankful for)

 

I get this might be a sensitive issue for you because you are dealing with your lady's insecurities. It sounds like you are handling your experience well.

But I dont think her experience is the same as yours and if she's here saying she doesn't know what to do anymore, than that's her experience.

For her it's gone too far.

 

Trying to talk her into overlooking it because after all "Some will be alcoholics, many cheaters, some gamblers" is not a good enough reason.

 

I agree, just because they are guys who are cheaters, alcoholics, drug addicts etc, doesn't mean you should settle for a controlling guy. Yes no one is perfect, but there is such a thing as small flaws (not removing hair from the sink) vs a big flaw (alcoholic) that can ruin someone's life.

 

If he is already commenting that you are texting the other instead of him, he will get more controlling. Luckily in my case the guys showed his true colors right away. It started w/complaining about not enough texting, turned into him wondering why I wanted a day to myself and started w/him accusing me of cheating/looking/talking to other guys.

[willdation]

Interesting....I guess maybe I am just one of the few who doesn't get bothered one bit if a women gets jealous....and to this day I have never come across a woman that has never been jealous at one point or another...

 

Actually just a few hours ago I was asked - "So, are you busy chatting with other girls?" ROFL

 

I just laughed pretty hard and was like - "of course not darling"

 

I just don't see how a comment like that could possible hurt me or affect me in any possible way? I just carry on with my life and do what I want.....I do notice that people tend to say provocative things at some point as well and I find that if you just ignore it and don't let it get to ya, the better...

 

I also find it incredibly fascinating that women tend to value confidence over loyalty whereas guys value loyalty as #1. So I kinda get how the insecurity comes across as weak which would be a big turn off for most women....meh..

 

Just do what you feel is right...

 

 

If you do want to be a bit funny about it and somewhat provocative (which I can be sometimes lol) next time he asks about that guy just be like

 

- "No way hun, you know I am interesting in you....but wait a minute....I once heard that people who worry about others cheating is cause they are hiding themselves...so maybe YOU are the one hiding something, hm?!" LOL

and then just be like - "yeah...so i guess you are cheating...that's it....so you have some explaining to do..."

 

He will probably just be soo confused and then you can just be like - "See! So that is how I feel...just relax a bit, won't ya?"

[IAmFCA]

Jealousy is an emotion that is one of the kinds of hurts we often feel when we are in relationship (of many kinds)

 

I don't mind if my guy gets jealous. I do mind if he makes it my problem.

[reinventmyself]

Interesting....I guess maybe I am just one of the few who doesn't get bothered one bit if a women gets jealous....and to this day I have never come across a woman that has never been jealous at one point or another...

 

Actually just a few hours ago I was asked - "So, are you busy chatting with other girls?" ROFL

 

He will probably just be soo confused and then you can just be like - "See! So that is how I feel...just relax a bit, won't ya?"

 

That's great if it's that's easily resolved by using humor. Glad that's works for you.

That would have just inflamed my last bf and made things 10 times worse.

[willdation]

Awww ok, so you just most likely don't like him accusing you, threatening, and being upset and angry towards ya all the time....I guess it is all about how he brings it up....I agree it's not really cool if he is getting angry and throwing that negativity your way all the time.....

 

So I would then be like - "Just to be honest, if you want to make things work you need to realize that arguing is never ok in a relationship. If you have any issues we should be able to talk about them in a loving and mature way. I am sorry you feel the way you do, but I have never once given you the reason to think I have cheated. Because I want to enjoy my life, this negativity and constant false accusations will need to end."