Jumping the gun a little?

[Pikapie]

Hello person reading this! I hope that your day has been wonderful so far.

 

So, to start off with my story...

 

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 months. We currently see each other about once every other week. (It used to be 4 days a week) Honestly, this relationship is absolutely fantastic and I love him with every fiber of my being. We have helped each other do so many things, I helped him keep a level head when his brakes stopped working in his car (WHILE HE WAS DRIVING), but luckily he had stick shift so we ended up being okay, he helped me move in to my new apartment...Everything is going great (besides the overwhelming stress we both feel from everyday life things) But lately...He's been hinting at things...Hinting at having children in the future, and hinting at...wanting to marry me. It's very sweet, and I haven't had very good relationships, so for the first time in my life, these ideas sound fantastic...But it may be too soon to even think about this? He was thinking about marriage atleast a year from now...He does want to move in with my for a few months, until he can find his own place nearby here, and as soon as my lease is up, I'm planning on moving with him. (It'll be up in August)

 

The weird part is, we are both in our mid 20's. He actually was previously married for 5 years and still occasionally talks to his ex wife, since she messages him whenever she is depressed which kind of worries me...She had called him last night saying that she wanted to end her life...I understand needing a support group in your life, and I will never tell him not to message her because that's just wrong. My last relationship I was in was for 2 years, and my ex kept talking to his ex girlfriend, talking to her whenever she was sad and she'd say things like "I need you"...And I just found out that they got back together. I'm scared that this may happen...I'm really scared that my boyfriend's ex wife will win my him back somehow, and I'm not sure how rational this thought is.

 

That's the only current problem in the relationship, and I haven't even talked about it to him yet. But I also am worried that he is jumping the gun. I don't want to end up 5 years down the line getting a divorce like he did with his ex wife...I'm not sure what to do about any of this! He's nothing but sweet, and we have talked maturely through problems before, I'm just so worried that he could repeat his last relationship, or that he could actually end up being with her again...

[ThatwasThen]

First off: DO NOT LET THIS STRANGER move in with you. For all you know he's an axe murderer or will soon return to his mentally ill wife who he still is in contact with. Your gut is telling you something so listen to it for goodness sakes.

 

There is absolutely no reason other then having children with this woman that he should still be in contact with her. Is he divorced or just separated? Have you been to his home or does he always just come to yours? How did you meet him?

 

Let him move to his own place and you keep your place for you. Only seeing you once a week is also something that should have you wondering. Why is it he went from four days a week to only once every two weeks seeing you? Are you sure he's not still married and living with his mentally unstable wife? Are you sure he's telling you the truth about her stability? You know Nothing about this man. Nothing.

[MissCanuck]

I think you are right to be concerned, OP. I could see talking about the future in general terms, for example wanting to know if the other person sees themselves married or wanting a family in the future. That would make sense in determining if you have similar life goals.

 

However, making big plans with a partner you've known for such a short time is a risky proposition, especially given the fact that his ex-wife is emotionally dependent on him. I would also be concerned that he's already got a 5-year marriage and divorce under his belt at his age, simply because not much time could have possibly elapsed yet between their marriage and your relationship. How long ago did they divorce? And do you know why the marriage didn't succeed?

[Pikapie]

Oh goodness, my apologies. I should have went into detail about things. I was rather vague. I met him at my job as a barista a year ago, and we've been talking everyday ever since. We were friends for like 8 months before we began our relationship. I used to have a car, and less of a busy work schedule, so we'd take turns driving and seeing each other. He definitely doesn't live with his ex. The drive was an hour and 30 minutes, and when I moved, it increased to 2 hours and 30 minutes...I don't have my car anymore sadly, so the only way I can see him is if he drives up here. I'm saving for a car and will start taking the bus to see him.

[pippy longstocking]

For all you know he's an axe murderer or will soon return to his mentally ill wife who he still is in contact with. Your gut is telling you something so listen to it for goodness sakes.

 

I knew letting you binge on criminal minds was a bad idea

[ThatwasThen]

OMG... lolzzz

[Pikapie]

It's been almost 2 years since the divorce went through. She and him moved in with her dad, who was very mentally ill and should have someone taking care of him. My boyfriend thinks that he has dementia. Also, she had a rough past, and couldn't really handle social interaction and family things. (I have actually had a similar past to hers, yet I ended up the opposite way...I love his family, and I try to put the past behind me, and don't let it rule me) Also they were very different. She was into makeup and strictly feminist literature, and he was into philosophy, video games, D&D, gardening, and so many others things....That I also like, so we get to share those hobbies.

[abitbroken]

Oh goodness, my apologies. I should have went into detail about things. I was rather vague. I met him at my job as a barista a year ago, and we've been talking everyday ever since. We were friends for like 8 months before we began our relationship. I used to have a car, and less of a busy work schedule, so we'd take turns driving and seeing each other. He definitely doesn't live with his ex. The drive was an hour and 30 minutes, and when I moved, it increased to 2 hours and 30 minutes...I don't have my car anymore sadly, so the only way I can see him is if he drives up here. I'm saving for a car and will start taking the bus to see him.

 

One year is still way too soon to move in or marry. Also, until you have a job that pays enough and is stable enough to afford a car payment and maintanence, you will only put yourself in a dependent situation. BTW

 

If this young man is mid 20s and is ALREADY divorced and had a 5 year marriage it is way too soon. And because he is still emotionally tangled with his ex --- that's a warning sign. It could be he travels 2 hours to see you because you are the only one who will put up with that.

 

Also, if he moves 2 1/2 hours away to be with you -- what job does he have up that way? and waiting tables at pizza hut or being a barrista don't count

[ThatwasThen]

Oh goodness, my apologies. I should have went into detail about things. I was rather vague. I met him at my job as a barista a year ago, and we've been talking everyday ever since. We were friends for like 8 months before we began our relationship. I used to have a car, and less of a busy work schedule, so we'd take turns driving and seeing each other. He definitely doesn't live with his ex. The drive was an hour and 30 minutes, and when I moved, it increased to 2 hours and 30 minutes...I don't have my car anymore sadly, so the only way I can see him is if he drives up here. I'm saving for a car and will start taking the bus to see him.

So: You have been to is place? (Edited...I see you have noted that he is actually divorced)

 

Either way, Like I said, there is absolutely no reason why he should still be care TAKING his emotionally crippled 'ex' wife and since you've already been burnt once by a guy that was hoovered back by an ex, I'd be getting myself emotionally independent until he learns that his contact with her is totally codependent and not something you're interested in taking on in your young life YET AGAIN!

[abitbroken]

99

It's been almost 2 years since the divorce went through. She and him moved in with her dad, who was very mentally ill and should have someone taking care of him. My boyfriend thinks that he has dementia. Also, she had a rough past, and couldn't really handle social interaction and family things. (I have actually had a similar past to hers, yet I ended up the opposite way...I love his family, and I try to put the past behind me, and don't let it rule me) Also they were very different. She was into makeup and strictly feminist literature, and he was into philosophy, video games, D&D, gardening, and so many others things....That I also like, so we get to share those hobbies.

 

 

If the marriage was 5 years the divorce was 2 years ago --- then that's 7 years? If he is "mid 20s" that means 25/26? So he got married when he was 17 or 18?

 

 

Being intp D&D and philosophy doesn't sound like a very lucrative avocation.-

[Pikapie]

One year is still way too soon to move in or marry. Also, until you have a job that pays enough and is stable enough to afford a car payment and maintanence, you will only put yourself in a dependent situation. BTW

 

If this young man is mid 20s and is ALREADY divorced and had a 5 year marriage it is way too soon. And because he is still emotionally tangled with his ex --- that's a warning sign. It could be he travels 2 hours to see you because you are the only one who will put up with that.

 

Also, if he moves 2 1/2 hours away to be with you -- what job does he have up that way? and waiting tables at pizza hut or being a barrista don't count

He has an associate's in Computer Networking and is currently studying for his Cisco certification. I, have a year of general studies under my belt, and wish to go back to school, to obtain a Pharmacy Technician certification, then an associate's in Biology (Which I already have a few credits for) I currently work for a call center that pays 12.75 an hour, full time, with benefits. He is working as a sales clerk until he gets his certification, then he will look for work around where I live (because it's a big city and there's so much opportunity here) He actually has never dated anyone else besides her. He's a bit of an introvert, as am I, so I understand.

[Pikapie]

99

 

 

If the marriage was 5 years the divorce was 2 years ago --- then that's 7 years? If he is "mid 20s" that means 25/26? So he got married when he was 17 or 18?

 

 

Being intp D&D and philosophy doesn't sound like a very lucrative avocation.-

 

He was 18, yes. He is 26. I suppose many hobbies aren't lucrative.

[abitbroken]

He was 18, yes. He is 26.

 

Who does he live with noW?8

[ThatwasThen]

Well, Pik as you elaborate it seems that you know him more then you originally let on and that you actually have good future plans for yourselves. I still say wait to move him in and at the very least voice to him that you don't think he is ready to advance the relationship as long as he allows the ex to emotionally manipulate him the way he currently is. There comes a time when he has to allow her to grow and move on so that she becomes someone else's problem or, hopefully learns to live a full life without his help and interference. Currently he enables her to be the cling-on that she is.

[Pikapie]

He lives by himself in a place that he rented from his family, so he has a bit of a good deal on it. He's only been there for a year...Which was weird, because for part of the divorce, he still lived with his ex wife.

[ThatwasThen]

He lives by himself in a place that he rented from his family, so he has a bit of a good deal on it. He's only been there for a year...Which was weird, because for part of the divorce, he still lived with his ex wife.

 

Oh my... I repeat:

Well, Pik as you elaborate it seems that you know him more then you originally let on and that you actually have good future plans for yourselves. I still say wait to move him in and at the very least voice to him that you don't think he is ready to advance the relationship as long as he allows the ex to emotionally manipulate him the way he currently is. There comes a time when he has to allow her to grow and move on so that she becomes someone else's problem or, hopefully learns to live a full life without his help and interference. Currently he enables her to be the cling-on that she is.

[Pikapie]

Well, Pik as you elaborate it seems that you know him more then you originally let on and that you actually have good future plans for yourselves. I still say wait to move him in and at the very least voice to him that you don't think he is ready to advance the relationship as long as he allows the ex to emotionally manipulate him the way he currently is. There comes a time when he has to allow her to grow and move on so that she becomes someone else's problem or, hopefully learns to live a full life without his help and interference. Currently he enables her to be the cling-on that she is.

Thank you. You had me cracking up with the whole axe murderer bit before, and now you have given me ABSOLUTELY solid life advice. I am immensely grateful. Also, I should have been way more detailed in the first post, that was entirely my bad. xD

[abitbroken]

He lives by himself in a place that he rented from his family, so he has a bit of a good deal on it. He's only been there for a year...Which was weird, because for part of the divorce, he still lived with his ex wife.

 

I think that you need to set a boundary. If i were you, i would break up and tell him that when he gets to a point of no longer communcating with his ex, to contact you down the road. The relationship has three people in it - if he lived with her a year after the divorce - and he still lived with her when you first met -- he is jumping from one woman to the other.

[Pikapie]

I think that you need to set a boundary. If i were you, i would break up and tell him that when he gets to a point of no longer communcating with his ex, to contact you down the road. The relationship has three people in it - if he lived with her a year after the divorce - and he still lived with her when you first met -- he is jumping from one woman to the other.

 

Oh no, he was moved out for a bit of time when we had met, 8 months ago. He doesn't reach out to her, she always reaches out to him...That's the sad part. He just lets this happen.

[Pikapie]

Thank you guys, I appreciate your help greatly. I should definitely tell him that I'm not comfortable with this...I feel like I'm being far too lenient.

[abitbroken]

Thank you guys, I appreciate your help greatly. I should definitely tell him that I'm not comfortable with this...I feel like I'm being far too lenient.

 

8 months is still nothing if he is still in daily or weekly contact with his ex if there are no children involved.

 

In your mid 20s as a single, never married woman with no kids --- you have a very wide, wide range of dating prospects - - I find it hard to believe a man already divorced at such a young age is the best prospect for you. So don't commit. If he moves to your town on his won - fine - but don't move in and just "date" him at that point.

 

Yes, you should not only tell him you are not comfortable but act that way as well. if he picks up the phone and starts texting with the ex, the date is over. He goes home. But then again who knows if he'll just be more secretive.

[boltnrun]

Chatting with someone at your coffee house while working is not the same as really knowing them.

 

I chat with many people at work but that doesn't mean I know them well enough to live with them and plan for marriage and children.

 

It does seem like he has a history of jumping into marriage impulsively. I'd want to know what it is about him that makes him latch onto women so quickly. That would make me nervous.

[j.man]

Dude..... no.

 

Just no.

[katrina1980]

Dude..... no.

 

Just no.

 

Nuff said! Thread may be closed now. lol

 

Just teasing j.man as my late mom used to say, the less words said the better.

 

She was right!

[Pikapie]

I've been chatting every day with him outside of work since we have met. We used to have 4 hour phone calls frequently (Now with different schedules, we switched to Google Hangouts) He's no stranger, goodness, not at all.