My depression/anxiety led to divorce... Can I save my relationship with my wife even if we divorce?

[jmvargas]

Hello everyone,

 

My wife and I were together for 9 years married for 4. I'm 40 years old and she is 30 and no kids. In the beginning everything was great. The issues that crept into our marriage were mainly caused by me. My wife is absolutely exceptional and is a great person.

 

I know I took her for granted for many years. I have many issues/traumas that I never dealt with from childhood including depression, social anxiety and PTSD. For many years she asked me go seek counseling. I did but I never truly committed to healing from my mental health problems. I often had trouble following through with things I started like law school and many other things. I'm still pursuing my law degree but its hard when suffering from mental health problems. I know that my reluctance to seek help placed her in a difficult position with her friends and family as I was often absent from events. Sometimes I would seek counseling or go on medication but I would stop if I didn't see progress. I have a problem with patience. I was often depressed and did not want to participate in family events.

 

My mother suffered a severe stroke in 2014 and I fell into an even deeper depression due to that. Our sex life become non-existent. As I realized that our sex life was on life support I suggested that we should have an open marriage or at least experiment with other people to see if that could spark our sex life. We never delineated the details. During a trip she had with her mom she slept with some man she met. I did not find out about this until I had officially moved out after she told me that she didn't think we were right for each other. She tried to explain that she slept with that man in the hopes that it would spark her sex drive and bring us closer. She has always been honest with me. She never had to admit to this affair as things were already over. From what she tells me she believes doing that was a mistake. I have been devastated. Shortly after the separation a friend of mine told me he found her profile on Tinder. I have been so sad that I can't even function to do regular things. I confronted he about it asking why she was so eager to date so soon. She deleted it right away and said she did it as a distraction. We have now been separated for almost three months. We will meet in a few weeks to sign divorce papers.

 

We have been in contact via email and texts. Recently she told me that she has been in therapy because has been having a hard time. For some reason I believed that she was moving on without me without any issues. But I guess she has been sad and depressed too and crying ever day. She tells me that she still loves me but that love is not enough to keep us together. She tells me that the only way we could ever be right for each other is if we did growing separately. When she says that I know she is mainly talking about me. She is very emotionally mature and grew up in family where healthy expression of emotions was encouraged. My family is the total opposite. My family is dysfunctional as they come.

 

Since I left our home I have sough therapy and have been going regularly for months now. I will soon get meds for anxiety and depression. I started doing yoga and meditating. I'm doing all these things for me but I'm obviously still hopeful that she will see these changes and will give our relationship another chance. I have accepted that our marriage is over but I hope to somehow win her back by changing all the things she found unacceptable in me. I know I should have done all that when I was with her but I resisted and took her needs for granted. I really do know she loves me and I love her. Is it possible that she will give me a chance and maybe start dating me at some point in the future? I know its a long shot but I'm willing to win her back. Deep down I know I had to reach rock bottom in order to get my life in order and finally deal with my issues. How can I show her I can be a better man? Has anyone ever accomplished this or am I just dreaming of something that is impossible and unattainable?

 

Please comment, suggest... thank you.

 

PS. this is my first time posting so if I posted in the wrong forum please direct me to the right place. I just wanted to get that off my chest. Thanks.

[DanZee]

I think you both need to move on. You've hurt each other too much. Yes, you both have a lot of feeling for the other, but you'll fall into the same patterns if you get back together. It's very difficult to change yourself.

[LonelyPast]

I think you both need to move on. You've hurt each other too much. Yes, you both have a lot of feeling for the other, but you'll fall into the same patterns if you get back together. It's very difficult to change yourself.

 

People on this forum tend to suggest breaking up and staying broken up for every single issue. I would disagree with this. From what you've told us she sounds like a very loving partner and I believe you want to love her back. Depression inhibits us from doing the things which we want to do for ourselves and for others. It seems like the culprit here. You're only at fault when you're not willing to confront it.

 

The person whom you want to be may still be an excellent match for her, but here's the catch: You can't become that person specifically for her. You have to do it for yourself. It's tremendously cliche and I'm tired of receiving this advice, but it's absolutely true.

 

DanZee is right, it's very difficult to change. It's 10 times harder when you have true clinical depression. Trust me, I know this. I was diagnosed when I was 9 years old. I've been on a dozen different medications for it. I've tried ECT, acupuncture, traditional Chinese medicine, cognitive behavior therapy, prayer, reading books, journaling, yoga, and meditation. Changing yourself is possible, but it's the hardest thing which you'll ever do.

 

You never get to beat depression. It's a permanent biological disability, not a character defect. However, with the right support and willingness you can still learn to cope with it and accomplish the same goals as anybody else. When I was at rock-bottom in 2008 I had no money, no degree, no friends, zero sexual experience (not even a kiss), and my 80 year old grandmother was in better shape than me. Now I have a degree in computer science, make 6 figures, run, hike, rock-climb, have dozens of good friends, and have had a handful of relationships. My primary motivation to get better was the sexual experience. Now it's love. It just so happens that all of the other stuff is important too. You have to keep at it for those other things even when love's not there for you. If you hinge your motivation on getting back together with your wife and it doesn't work out then you will feel utterly defeated and hopeless. Every other aspect of life which you're working on will come crashing down too. You don't want that happening.

 

Remain friends for now. Let her be with other men. Allow yourself to be with other women. Focus on your happiness first. Set goals. Reach them. Others will notice. If it's meant to be then she will too.

[Rustysuit]

If you two love each other then it's possible to work things out.

 

Don't buy into "Love isn't enough". Love IS enough. If both parties feel it. Relationships just take work. Hard work. And both parties to work on it. If one of you doesn't want to work on it, then I'm sorry but the love is gone.

 

I agree you have issues to deal with and she probably got some by being in a relationship with you (and btw, gratz on being dumb AF suggesting an open marriage to someone who loves you). I bet that scarred her deeply.

 

Anyway, if you love each other, you can do it. Breaking up is such a waste. Love is rare, a gift. A hard working gift. Why people like to waste it is beyond me, but oh well.

[rand100417]

I think you both need to move on. You've hurt each other too much. Yes, you both have a lot of feeling for the other, but you'll fall into the same patterns if you get back together. It's very difficult to change yourself.

 

COMPLETELY disagree with this guy. You are married. It is difficult to change patterns but not impossible, otherwise why would therapists exist, why would marriages exist? People on this forum are ridiculous sometimes.

[abitbroken]

I think when you suggested an open relationship instead of going to marriage counseling or seeking help for your depression, that was the death knell. And btw, if you announced that the marriage was open and took you up on the offer and slept with someone its kind of hypocritical to hold it against her unless you were just seeking to "test" her and wanted her not to really do anything about it. So you need to own that.

 

Anything is possible, but you need to consider her gone at this point and solely focus on your mental health - exploring every possibility - even checking with a nutritisionist, allergist, etc, to eliminate anything in addition to your brain chemistry that might not be going your way. If you do this, maybe someday she will see a change and want to try again with you - but what guarantee does she have that you take your meds or not go down the same road?

 

This marriage was not healthy for her and she checked out after you basically told her to do so. I can't say whether you will get her back or not - but right now, you need to not focus so much on that

[abitbroken]

 

Remain friends for now. Let her be with other men. Allow yourself to be with other women. Focus on your happiness first. Set goals. Reach them. Others will notice. If it's meant to be then she will too.

 

No, no no. You are still married. Do not sleep with any other woman. your mental health is first. You can't control what she does, but don't go there. And no don't focus on your "happiness" -- thats staying in your comfort zone. You will need to get uncomfortable and you might feel angry, sad, scared, and sometimes happy etc, all through the process of letting go and dealing with your mental health. If we focused on "happiness" we would just all go curl up in our blankets, get a kitten and eat ice cream all day.

[DancingFool]

What you said here about working on yourself, finally getting the therapy and treatment that you need, getting yourself together and genuinely working on becoming a better man - you need to tell her that and show her. As in she can maybe come to one of your therapy session to see for herself that you are actually going and making progress. Whether she will be willing, whether she is too burned out from dealing with your issues for years with no light at the end of the tunnel....only she knows. You won't know until you ask.......

 

One thing for certain is you can't just jump back into the relationship because you'll just slip right back into your old ways with each other. If you are both willing to save this marriage, then you may well need to stay separated for awhile, seek respective therapy and start back up by dating and getting to know each other all over again. Showing each other that you can have fun with each other, enjoy each others company, etc. Think baby steps. Btw....when your relationship is in trouble....you don't fix it by bringing other people into it....remember that lesson for life.....

[abitbroken]

What you said here about working on yourself, finally getting the therapy and treatment that you need, getting yourself together and genuinely working on becoming a better man - you need to tell her that and show her. As in she can maybe come to one of your therapy session to see for herself that you are actually going and making progress. Whether she will be willing, whether she is too burned out from dealing with your issues for years with no light at the end of the tunnel....only she knows. You won't know until you ask.......

 

One thing for certain is you can't just jump back into the relationship because you'll just slip right back into your old ways with each other. If you are both willing to save this marriage, then you may well need to stay separated for awhile, seek respective therapy and start back up by dating and getting to know each other all over again. Showing each other that you can have fun with each other, enjoy each others company, etc. Think baby steps. Btw....when your relationship is in trouble....you don't fix it by bringing other people into it....remember that lesson for life.....

 

Agree!! But don't be in a rush to "show her" this week. Go to therapy for awhile. let her notice on her own things about you and come to that realization also.

[LonelyPast]

No, no no. You are still married. Do not sleep with any other woman. your mental health is first. You can't control what she does, but don't go there. And no don't focus on your "happiness" -- thats staying in your comfort zone. You will need to get uncomfortable and you might feel angry, sad, scared, and sometimes happy etc, all through the process of letting go and dealing with your mental health. If we focused on "happiness" we would just all go curl up in our blankets, get a kitten and eat ice cream all day.

 

Perhaps I could have phrased it better. By all means, if you can save this marriage right now then do so! It does sound like a split is inevitable for a while though. Perhaps dating other people won't be helpful, but if she does then you're going to have to respect her right to do so. I don't see how blowing up over it and bombarding her with jealous emotions could do anything other than drive her away, but who knows, I've never been married. I was in an on-again off-again relationship for 6 years though. When she was seeing other people I found it helpful to see other people myself. This enabled us to get back together after long absences without any lingering resentment or jealousy.

 

I agree that curling up and eating ice cream all day is counter-productive (kittens are awesome though). True happiness doesn't come from short-term indulgence and I didn't mean to suggest that. This isn't about doing whatever you like right now. It's about committing to take care of yourself in the long-term. It takes boldness to find the lifestyle and mindset that make you happy and a tremendous amount of effort and self-awareness to sustain them. About half of the time I still feel that life just sucks and I have to constantly remind myself to redirect that energy into something positive and self-validating.

[caro33]

You guys may well be able to work this out, but having relationships with other people is not the way to do it. I agree that suggesting an open relationship was a serious problem.

 

You are one of a number of people on the forum at the moment who admit to years of not making the necessary difference in your relationship, then when it ends, saying 'but I'll change, how do I show her/him?'. 'But I'm serious now.'

 

What do you really think will change? Be honest. You had years of therapy and medication and you threw in the towel every time. Why did the threat of the relationship ending not make you do what you needed to before? I'm not saying that dealing with anxiety and depression is easy. I have first hand experience with both. But I do think that if I was your wife I'd be wondering if (a) things really would change, and (b) if they would, then what were you doing in all the previous years and why was suggesting an open relationship the obvious option.

[Lester]

You also have to think about how the relationship started, and the years leading up to marriage.

 

Confusing sex and proximity, with compatibility, respect and genuine love; and then layering that mistake with years of convenience and comfort don't make a marriage.

 

You could have been in a non-marriage all along.

[fabact]

No, no no. You are still married. Do not sleep with any other woman. your mental health is first. You can't control what she does, but don't go there. And no don't focus on your "happiness" -- thats staying in your comfort zone. You will need to get uncomfortable and you might feel angry, sad, scared, and sometimes happy etc, all through the process of letting go and dealing with your mental health. If we focused on "happiness" we would just all go curl up in our blankets, get a kitten and eat ice cream all day.

Totally agree with this person ^^^

[johndoe13]

Hi sorry to hear you difficulties:

- Whatever you change about yourself you must do it for you; not to win her over

- You seem to be doing good for yourself and that is ok! Why go back to a bad relationship. Consult a lawyer by the way before doing anything!

- Your relationships did not sound like a good one at all: no sex, she cheats, and does not bring the best out of you. When you consider an open relationship usually it is because you are doing whatever it takes to see her sexually aroused and to be into sex with you.

- You do not have kids with the woman. There are many many many other women out there. You need to focus on yourself.

- Read no more mr. Nice guy (dr. glover)

We usually think the best of what we had when we leave a relationship, but it is a trick out minds play on us. If you really think about it you are not together for a reason.