Is my boyfriend TOO close to his best female friend? Or am I just overreacting?

[petrichors]

Hello guys,

 

I've been talking to this guy for a month and we just made it official a few days ago. Everything seems to be going great so far, but I do have some doubts at the back of my mind; he has a best female friend who he talks to on an almost daily basis. He told me that he met her on a dating app about a year ago, and they went on a date together just to see how compatible they were. He ended up friendzoning her, but she however, she DID have romantic feelings for him. Eventually, they worked things out and remained really close friends and allegedly act like "siblings," he says.

 

However, I do notice that he talks about her quite a lot to me. Whether it's about her boy problems or her personality, he brings her up. He also has her name saved on his Snapchat with a heart emoji next to it - I have no emoji next to my name. He'd also call her while he's with me to check up on how her dates go - I mean I guess he has nothing to hide since he's letting me hear their conversation over speaker phone, but I still find it rude that he's calling her during the little time that we have together. I'm trying my best to give him the benefit of the doubt because he does really treat me well - we've already had this talk about her and he said that he's willing to do whatever it takes to make me feel comfortable. I don't want to ask him to completely cut her out of his life, but at the same time I'm also distrusting because he works out of state and sees her at least one every week for dinner. I'm not saying he does anything to dishonor my trust, but I'm still worried...? Not sure if I'm overreacting or not. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

[SweetGirl28]

He's known her longer than you.

You are recently in a relationship. You are overreacting.

You will most likely destroy this before it even begins if you are showing jealousy.

 

Men and women have friends of the opposite sex when entering into new relationships.

Relationships build upon trust.

 

Trust until you have a reason not to

[Krankor]

So he friendzoned her?

 

Usually orbiters are guys, but there are plenty of exceptions I'm sure. It's possible that she's given up any romantic notions with him and truly does just want to be his friend, but it's also possible that she is waiting in the wings, hoping that someday he'll take another look and reconsider her as a love interest.

 

In his case, however, I doubt you really have anything to worry about on his end, anyway. If he had any attraction to her at all he would have moved on it by now.

 

If him having this close of a female friend is just too uncomfortable for you and violates a boundary of your's, then so be it. Otherwise, this being a new relationship I guess I'd just take a wait and see approach. One thing you can't do, however, is tell him to stop being friends with her.

 

I do agree though that it's rude of him to call her while he is with you. He could have some strange agenda with that, but let's give him the benefit of the doubt and just say he's clueless. I would just tell him that you don't like it when he does that, that you are fine with his friendship with her but that you don't like feeling pushed aside like that during your time with him. I don't see that as being jealous or controlling, just as standing up for yourself and asking for some respect.

[pippy longstocking]

but it's also possible that she is waiting in the wings, hoping that someday he'll take another look and reconsider her as a love interest.

 

Yeah I thought that .

 

Ultimately though , he didn't want to be with her , he had the chance and he chose not to . I think his problem is more he hasn't defined any bounderies with himself or her .

[wilyone 11]

I've been around a pretty long time and never heard of anything like this. Are you sure it's not the other way around, that he really likes her but she just wants to be friends?? How often does it really happen that a guy will friend zone a girl? Like practically never right? Either he's sexually attracted or he's not. If not attracted, no man would push a friendship.

[petrichors]

Yeah I'm not sure. He said she has a good personality, but her lifestyle (partying, drinking, raving) doesn't mesh with his. Furthermore, he's not sexually attracted to her in any way because she's a "bigger" girl, and he's not really into that. But at some point, she was so into him that she went and slept around with other guys to get her mind off him and ended up breaking her own heart. She came back to him and said, "I wish you had taken my virginity instead of him (the first guy she slept with)." Sooo, it sounded pretty serious to me?

[petrichors]

I've been around a pretty long time and never heard of anything like this. Are you sure it's not the other way around, that he really likes her but she just wants to be friends?? How often does it really happen that a guy will friend zone a girl? Like practically never right? Either he's sexually attracted or he's not. If not attracted, no man would push a friendship.

Yeah I'm not sure. He said she has a good personality, but her lifestyle (partying, drinking, raving) doesn't mesh with his. Furthermore, he's not sexually attracted to her in any way because she's a "bigger" girl, and he's not really into that. But at some point, she was so into him that she went and slept around with other guys to get her mind off him and ended up breaking her own heart. She came back to him and said, "I wish you had taken my virginity instead of him (the first guy she slept with)." Sooo, it sounded pretty serious to me?

[HeartGoesOn]

To each their own, but I wouldn't feel comfortable, nor secure with being a part of this odd set-up. Something seems to tell me that there's more to this...Be careful.

[Honeycomb8]

I have a few guy friends I talk on a daily basis. And we're just friends.you only started talking to him a month ago, he hardly knows you and def knows her better. You should relax, or your insecurity might ruin things going forward.

[Honeycomb8]

I also have to mention often I'm on the phone with them and go out to get food/shop/coffee one on one with them too. People can be friends with the opp sex without it being sexual. There is no need to feel threatened.

[Andrina]

How many successful couples do you know whereas one or both of them have a best friend or super close friend of the opposite sex? My husband and I don't. My parents don't. None of my friends do. My cousins don't. In my world, it's not common, although of course there are people who are totally okay with their significant others having a bestie of the opposite gender.

 

Even if I knew my husband and another woman had absolutely no chemistry and the woman had a hatchet face, I'm just not okay with him talking to another woman on the phone daily, and hanging out with another woman one-on-one. It's just a different dynamic. I want to be his best female friend.

 

When you are regularly upset in a relationship, it means it's not the right one for you. What you see is what you get. He will want to speak to his bestie, even though it means spending less quality time with you. When you don't feel like a priority, you aren't. If you will only be happy if someone changes, then you will never be happy, because people usually don't change.

 

The point of dating is deciding who is a good fit for you or not. Cut the losers loose who don't meet your needs so that you can be single when a person who is compatible with you comes along. There are other cute guys out there who don't have a female best friend. You'd probably be happier with one of them.