What's the most frustrating part of dating for you?

[Cope]

OLD :

Insisting on going out without texting for a bit. I'm not a fan of texting forever but I want to get to know you enough to ensure that we will at least not be bored to death or end up fighting even!

[Juha]

I would hate going on a date where I don't know the plan if I'm not already

committed to the guy.

 

Well, when I ask it's days, if not a week in advance and I have not decided what to do on the date as I don't have a date until I ask.

I may have some ideas but I want to look and see what is going on that day. I will tell her how to dress though so she knows.

 

So if a guy asks you out, you ask what are we doing and what if he gives the answer I gave? You say no?

 

To me If I ask someone out and they start asking what are we doing, I take that as she is deciding about going out with me based on how much she likes

what we are doing and not so much me. I will take that she has low interest in me and it's a choice of food shopping/doing laundry or go out with me.

 

If a woman actually likes you they just want to spend time with you and it does not matter all that much what you are doing.

[mustlovedogs]

Well, when I ask it's days, if not a week in advance and I have not decided what to do on the date as I don't have a date until I ask.

I may have some ideas but I want to look and see what is going on that day. I will tell her how to dress though so she knows.

 

So if a guy asks you out, you ask what are we doing and what if he gives the answer I gave? You say no?

 

To me If I ask someone out and they start asking what are we doing, I take that as she is deciding about going out with me based on how much she likes

what we are doing and not so much me. I will take that she has low interest in me and it's a choice of food shopping/doing laundry or go out with me.

 

If a woman actually likes you they just want to spend time with you and it does not matter all that much what you are doing.

 

You're not getting my point.

 

If I'm still learning who he is, YES, it matters what we are doing. I don't want to end up as a plus one at a wedding or go on a hike in the middle of nowhere.

 

I don't need an exact location, but an idea of dinner and drinks (or whatever) is important. If the guy can't come up with a date "theme", I wouldn't go. Because honestly, it would creep me out.

 

Surprises would only be cute (to me) once we are official and I trust him.

 

This isn't an issue if a woman likes you. If it's early days, you're dating to find out if they like you.

[Sportster2005]

A lot of what I read and hear is that it's tiring and also mixed in with a fear of rejection, which I get completely. Do you guys also learn dating skills or anything like that? Or read any psychology? Just curious if you guys think it's a skill you can learn or more about just being yourself?

 

I've found the most important skill, is taking personal responsibility for your dating failures. As you can see in this thread many men put the blame on women, and many women put the blame on men. The reality is, most often, we are repeating the same mistakes. Instead of examining each failure and thinking of ways to improve we take the easy way out. We complain, and complain. Instead of improve, we assign blame. We don't have the courage to examine failure. Our frail egos won't let us accept the reality of our shortcomings. Everyone has some.

 

Blaming only keeps us frustrated. It leads to a bad attitude about dating. Once the bad attitude sets in, you won't find dating success, nor should you.

 

I speak from experience.

[Batya33]

A lot of what I read and hear is that it's tiring and also mixed in with a fear of rejection, which I get completely. Do you guys also learn dating skills or anything like that? Or read any psychology? Just curious if you guys think it's a skill you can learn or more about just being yourself?

 

I had a hard time being myself if I was very into the guy so I also learned and applied dating skills just like other social skills. I've seen many people mostly women act needy and clingy and overwhelm the guy when typically they would not make those choices.

[Batya33]

You're not getting my point.

 

If I'm still learning who he is, YES, it matters what we are doing. I don't want to end up as a plus one at a wedding or go on a hike in the middle of nowhere.

 

I don't need an exact location, but an idea of dinner and drinks (or whatever) is important. If the guy can't come up with a date "theme", I wouldn't go. Because honestly, it would creep me out.

 

Surprises would only be cute (to me) once we are official and I trust him.

 

This isn't an issue if a woman likes you. If it's early days, you're dating to find out if they like you.

I once met a guy during a relgiiis service. He called me the next day and asked me out for about ten days later - I think we were both busy till then. At 5pm the day of the date he calls to ask me to suggest a restaurant in the neighborhood wecwere going to meet which has many restaurants in a 10 block radius and he was very familiar with the neighborhood. I told him to choose and call me back. He did and suggested meeting on a street corner at a certain time. No cell phones back then. Flame me if you like but I told him "pick a restaurant. I'm a lady and I don't meet men on street corners". He picked and we met and he told me all about how he was in this men's movement group where they banged drums. Made fun of me for not wanting to meet on a street corner.

A week later he called me - he had tickets to the opera and wanted to know if I'd go with him. Too little too late ( and we really had not enough in common to go out again).

Yes I think whoever asks should have a plan or at least some alternative plans and if possible not last minute.

[mustlovedogs]

I once met a guy during a relgiiis service. He called me the next day and asked me out for about ten days later - I think we were both busy till then. At 5pm the day of the date he calls to ask me to suggest a restaurant in the neighborhood wecwere going to meet which has many restaurants in a 10 block radius and he was very familiar with the neighborhood. I told him to choose and call me back. He did and suggested meeting on a street corner at a certain time. No cell phones back then. Flame me if you like but I told him "pick a restaurant. I'm a lady and I don't meet men on street corners". He picked and we met and he told me all about how he was in this men's movement group where they banged drums. Made fun of me for not wanting to meet on a street corner.

A week later he called me - he had tickets to the opera and wanted to know if I'd go with him. Too little too late ( and we really had not enough in common to go out again).

Yes I think whoever asks should have a plan or at least some alternative plans and if possible not last minute.

 

Oh I agree -

 

What I'm saying is, for the initial ask, give me a general idea of what's happening. As it gets closer, tell me exactly what's happening.

[gregfloripa]

Thanks guys, that's really helpful and gives me a good idea about what's tough and some ideas on how to help.

[gijeanie]

The whole ghosting phenomenon that seems to be popular now. If you don't want to see someone anymore then just freaking tell them.

[willdation]

For me it is finding a girl that likes me for who I am and not because of money, status etc..... Sometimes I wish a woman would just say, "What do you like to do in your free time?" instead of "Where do you work?" or "Do you have a car?" etc. etc....

 

I once had this girl say, "So what do you do?" and I said "Oh, what do I like to do? Well, I play the guitar...etc.." and she cuts me off halfway and says..."No. Career."

 

LOL she wasn't even interested in what I was saying about my hobbies....

[Batya33]

For me it is finding a girl that likes me for who I am and not because of money, status etc..... Sometimes I wish a woman would just say, "What do you like to do in your free time?" instead of "Where do you work?" or "Do you have a car?" etc. etc....

 

I once had this girl say, "So what do you do?" and I said "Oh, what do I like to do? Well, I play the guitar...etc.." and she cuts me off halfway and says..."No. Career."

 

LOL she wasn't even interested in what I was saying about my hobbies....

 

Well she knew you knew what she meant and that you were trying to get around it instead of being direct as in "why do you ask?". I hated the "what do you like to do in your free time" because I had so little free time and I felt put on the spot and found the question unoriginal. I don't think the "do you have a car" is appropriate- that seems intrusive and presumptuous. I much prefer original questions based on specific things going on in the world or cultural events, or movies that just came out, etc. I think if someone is looking for a potential relationship it's probably best to balance tact with avoiding wasting peoples' time if there are dealbreakers having to do with marital status, or geography, etc.

[Liraele]

I think some of these questions have become common in OLD especially... because there seems to be an overwhelming portion of the adult population who does not have their stuff together. No means to travel, no stable job, etc. If you're getting those sorts of questions... they might've been burned before.

[caro33]

I agree with Batya on this.

What someone does for a living says a lot about who they are and what they like. I ask that and it's got nothing to do with status, money etc. People are also used to talking about work.

For me, I HATE being asked about what I do in my spare time because it feels too personal, it feels like something I have to explain and justify.

[willdation]

Interesting.... I would say that maybe only 3% of the population actually love their work so much they would do it for free (ie. career) I would say the majority have a job they do for the paycheck and would not show up to work this weekend for free.....

 

So sure, you could get to know the basics...like, is this person analytical? Can they crunch numbers? Do they have leadership skills? etc etc... but I just wouldn't enjoy hearing how someone goes to seminars to learn SQL databases and wants to discuss it with me over a coffee ;p .... Id much rather be interested in the person's dreams, goals, where they want to end up in life....What resort they love going skiing at....have they ever been to Rome and sat on the Spanish Steps or wheather they enjoyed the fresh pasta and lemoncello in Sardinia... etc. etc....

 

But sure, I mean, you could get super lucky and find one of those 3% that actually love their job with intense passion and would love to talk about it and light up etc... and that's always a good experience...

 

I would never ask someone what they like to do in their free time if they were just acquaintances....BUT...if it was a date with someone I truly wanted to get to know personally...then yeah of course! I would be soooo interested if that person goes yoga, takes art classes, loves to travel, loves spending time with their nephew on weekends etc.... That is what I call life and people can be soooo interesting and have amazing stories to share which make them sooo unique....

 

much better for me than their level in the corporate hierarchy and learning about increasing productivity metrics

[caro33]

I'd totally be in to a deep discussion of SQL and of promotion possibilities.

 

That's not what I meant! I'm thinking more along the lines of -

'so what do you do?'

'Do you enjoy it?'

'How did you get into that field?'

'What about when you deal with x?' (Assuming that's interesting)

These questions take you to much of the essence of the person - how they actually live their life. Hopes and dreams tend to follow quite quickly.

Great if you get into the limoncello in Sardinia but it's a harder place to start in conversation.

[willdation]

Fair enough! You seem like a really easy going, great listening, understanding person, so that is great and I totally get what you mean

 

Anyway, for me I would be more interested in knowing if there is a connection, similar passions, chemistry, do they share the same values? etc. etc......and then just go from there while still putting in effort so that person is having a nice time

[caro33]

Fair enough! You seem like a really easy going, great listening, understanding person, so that is great and I totally get what you mean

 

What? That's no fun. I was hoping for some combat! 😊

[willdation]

HAHAHA I would but I am being a bit naughty at work today and writing on here when my boss is away But don't worry Caro33, I shall be back for some combating...You won this time...but it's not the last!!!

[caro33]

Bwah ha ha, until the next time! 😎