I have a great boyfriend but sometimes I am rude to him

[rand100417]

Hi Enotalone,

 

I've been dating an amazing man since February. I feel very lucky to be with him. He's kind, handsome, smart, communicative, the physical part of our relationship is great, I really don't have many complaints.

 

Anyway...this post is about a repeated conflict we have. In a nutshell: I have a tendency to be rude/curt/immature with him sometimes, and he has a very low tolerance for it, particularly when it happens in front of other people. He lives with his best friend, and on three-no four different occasions, I said something that kind of bothered him. It's all small stuff - saying stuff like, "whaddarya doing?!" or "whats wrong with you?" when he was loading up my car in a way that didn't make spatio-logical sense.. Or once he asked what happened when a pasta pot boiled over in a cop-like tone (he gets weird with household crises) and I said , "well, if you cooked you'd know that its just water" something snippy like that. Yesterday I was sick and waiting for him to come back in the room to watch a movie (I forewent starting to work on an important school paper because I didn't want to start and then stop), but his best friend had come home and they were talking business in the kitchen. I waited for him because I didn't want to interrupt, and finally went up politely (at first) and said, "are you going to come back in? I was waiting for you" and he looked up and said, "waiting to do what?" to which I rudely said, "ugh whatever."

 

This embarrasses him because he doesn't want his closest thinking that I'm rude or bossy or aggressive, etc. You know, the bossy type that steamrolls everyone. In reality, I AM NOT that way. We both acknowledge that - I let him do what he wants, but I do take care of us both assertively, like I cook for us both and you know, remind him to call about health insurance, etc. Like a girlfriend does..... But I grew up in NYC, went to public schools all my life, dealt with anger-problem parents who were often not in control of their emotions (and I prob. developed some bad habits from that, I'm not denying it...). But he brings up opinions of his closest when he have fights about this. For example: His mom asked him when we started dating whether I was controlling. His cousin from France once asked him if I was bossy. Also, apparently, when I was picking him up from some family friends' of his, last minute they invited me in at like 10pm to "meet them." I obliged but they seemed tired and I didn't want to outstay my welcome, plus they weren't really asking me any questions, I asked them a few questions, but I had to get back so I kind of gently corralled us back to the car to go home. I thought I was gracious but apparently they commented to his mom that I seemed like I was in a rush, or hinted that I was a bossy/aggressive type. I was very hurt at that one because I had gone out of my way to work at a starbucks so my BF could go to dinner with them (they only were on the East Coast for one day) and was willing to go to dinner with them, but instead got judged from a 15 minute meeting. Also, when we were parking my car with his best friend in the backseat, he was driving, but he doest know how to parallel park, and I saw a spot and was like, "what are you doing??? Stop! Get out and switch!" I immediately apologized but the rudeness was due to the "wanting to execute a mission" type of mentality.

 

Now, his best friend and his mom apparently DO really like me and notice that we have a happy relationship. It's almost like we a cultural difference. I've been through a bad relationship before and I'm more experienced on that side of things than him, but in the process read so many relationship books that I try to steer clear from the big stuff - I don't disrespect (in a major way), criticize, I don't control, I try to be supportive, etc. etc. But I have trouble controlling these momentary rudenesses in moments of stress. It also primarily happens when I have PMS.

 

I wish he would have a sense of humor about it, because honestly these little transgressions are not really meaningful to me. I want to work on being a sweeter, softer person all the time (his mom is like that), but also it's hard when I take care of so many things at once - I'm in grad school, I work, and lately I've been trying to save us both money by meal planning and packing him lunch, etc.

 

How do I get nicer, and is this a big deal?

[Giblesp]

I'd leave a woman who was being rude. Only a doormat would tolerate being spoken to like that.

 

The fact that you are asking how to be nicer suggests a psychological imbalance, a healthy person simply IS nicer.

 

Work on your physical and mental health, maybe consider some therapy also.

 

Sorry for the directness but these are my honest answers.

[dave4443]

Yeah be careful my ex was like This, took years but eventually took it's toll and I started getting sick of her and snapping back but in a worse way. At least you acknowledge it, some people are like this more than others so when you do it try apologising after, but make sure you never do it infront of his friends or family, that's what bugs us the most

[cingularity83]

I'd leave a woman who was being rude. Only a doormat would tolerate being spoken to like that.

 

The fact that you are asking how to be nicer suggests a psychological imbalance, a healthy person simply IS nicer.

 

Work on your physical and mental health, maybe consider some therapy also.

 

Sorry for the directness but these are my honest answers.

 

forget the directness you went in with the might and force of a Goku spirit bomb on her.....but I understand why you had to.

[rand100417]

Giblesp, that was actually not helpful. I'm not asking how to be a kinder person, I'm asking how to change a habit I probably got from my parents. Maybe you should be nicer instead of spending time on this forum making nasty responses. I am in therapy occasionally, and I do work on my physical and mental health (which is obvious since I'm on this forum asking for advice).

Sorry for the directness.

[cingularity83]

Giblesp, that was actually not helpful. I'm not asking how to be a kinder person, I'm asking how to change a habit I probably got from my parents. Maybe you should be nicer instead of spending time on this forum making nasty responses. I am in therapy occasionally, and I do work on my physical and mental health (which is obvious since I'm on this forum asking for advice).

Sorry for the directness.

 

Yea GibleSP was a little harsh on you for sure but here's what I will say to you.

 

Half the battle is that you at least aware of all these things about you right?

 

The other half is to kinda train yourself.... meaning it will have to be some thing you are constantly actively training yourself to become a nicer person until it becomes second nature to you then you can do it without even thinking and effort.

 

In life you only ever get lucky maybe once or twice to meet someone that will be great for you, & I'm not saying this guy is it since I don't know all the dynamics of your relationship with him but if he's treating you right, put the effort to become a better person or else you'll be old and gray some 50 years from now saying how I wish....

 

Or the other thing that might be easier and require less work is to find a guy that doesn't mind these kind of things (believe it or not they do exist out there) they love drama!

[rand100417]

I'd leave a woman who was being rude. Only a doormat would tolerate being spoken to like that.

 

The fact that you are asking how to be nicer suggests a psychological imbalance, a healthy person simply IS nicer.

 

Work on your physical and mental health, maybe consider some therapy also.

 

Sorry for the directness but these are my honest answers.

 

Thank you cingularity83. I think it's a matter of training too. I just need to prioritize recognizing when I'm about to say something less than honorable. Giblesp, I went through your forum responses to see what your deal is and it seems like you had an abusive ex-gf, so I don't blame you for being pessimistic. However, mine is not an abusive relationship. I don't like drama either actually. It's more like I have a feisty and impatient side that I myself don't like, but it comes out during times of stress and PMS.

 

I do recognize now that this is a big deal, though, so I will definitely work on it.

[milly007]

OP, were you like this when you two were dating, prior to becoming exclusive?

 

Do you know what makes your boyfriend tick without him pointing it out, or does he have to point it out to you first?

 

Hasn't your therapist provided you with useful ways to potentially change/modify this?

[Honeycomb8]

The way you talk sounds like my last long term relationship ex. He was moody and snarky, and I got so sick of how he belittled me constantly. Broke up with him and couldn't be happier.

I don't know why anyone would tolerate your attitude.

[Giblesp]

Giblesp, that was actually not helpful. I'm not asking how to be a kinder person, I'm asking how to change a habit I probably got from my parents. Maybe you should be nicer instead of spending time on this forum making nasty responses. I am in therapy occasionally, and I do work on my physical and mental health (which is obvious since I'm on this forum asking for advice).

Sorry for the directness.

 

You asked if it was a big deal, yes its a big deal. Some men would leave a woman for being rude and vice versa. Only a doormat accepts abuse which is what rudeness is. As an ex nice guy, I used to accept a lot of abuse like this.

 

You asked how to get nicer, and to that I suggested that if you need to ask how to be nice to your BF you might have some psychological imbalances. This wasn't meant to insult you, most or not all of us on this forum and in life are dealing with imbalances. But it becomes more of a problem if we are inflicting them on others. Your bf is probably in love with you when you are being yourself, and very hurt when your being rude to him.

 

Your saying that your not bossy and rude but you ARE coming across as bossy and rude. You might not really be that way, but from an external view that is who you seem to be. And unfortunately we are in a society that views bad manners and aggressive dominance as strength and independence, when in reality its weakness and is going to drive any self respecting person far away.

 

I'd recommend a strong, physical discipline such as kickboxing, together with something more relaxing like meditation.

[Batya33]

For now fake it till you make it. Act in a kind and thoughtful way - and respectfully and if you have nothing nice to say stay silent. Do all the self talk you need to to make sure that what comes out of your mouth is appropriate. And no need to be gushy or overly nice either because that's fake too. Also it sounds like you expect him to do a lot of stuff for you which you tjenget annoyed with him about. Decrease what you ask of him. Do it yourself or if you have to ask someone else. This is important not just for him but for you and your interactions with others.

[rand100417]

OP, were you like this when you two were dating, prior to becoming exclusive?

 

Do you know what makes your boyfriend tick without him pointing it out, or does he have to point it out to you first?

 

We've only been dating since February, and yes, I have been like this with my boyfriends - at times. My current boyfriend is admittedly very sensitive to rudeness, probably because he is very mature and has given lots of thought to how much he hates bullish behavior, impatience and rudeness. He was bullied and witnessed a lot of *y male behavior towards his mom when he was growing up and is one of the good ones for sure.

 

I know exactly what makes him tick and I apologize usually immediately. Our relationship has more calm/soothing moments than bad ones, but I feel like the bad ones are my fault so that's why I'm here.

 

My therapist and I have talked about it. He also is my dad and stepmom's therapist so he knows where I come from. My dad is incredibly immature and rude and was basically raised by wolves. He's brilliant though and in his own way is loving. THey've been together for 10+ years. Anyway my dad does the exact same things as I do except they are worse and he is more prone to being impatient and frustrated bc he communicates badly.

[Batya33]

Apologizing immediately gets old. Just don't do it in the first place. And please do not think of him as extra sensitive to rudeness -your examples don't sound like someone being upset would be too sensitive.

 

You need to learn self-control yesterday. Especially if you ever want a family - it's really hard to keep it all together for the ones you love when you're frazzled and sleep-deprived but you have to if you want a relatively peaceful home and you don't want to raise rude children.

[rand100417]

That was very helpful. I like your advice with the physical discipline. I have an irregular schedule from school and have a flu right now but I'll look into it. My boyfriend is a gymnast and personal trainer and I am becoming a physical therapist so those are right up my alley. I probably do have some kind of imbalances.

[rand100417]

I also need to point something out maybe. My boyfriend didn't learn many practical/domestic skills growing up because he didn't grow up with a dad, and his mom and him are very close - they have a great relationship - but she didn't prioritize that kind of education. When I met him he didn't drive well (he does now because I let him drive my car and had to bite my tongue so many times and say "please don't kill us" nicely), he doesn't get fixing stuff, he doesn't clean, and he doesn't cook. He can lift anything though and has the best intentions ever and always wants to help. We live in the same neighborhood, which is great, but bc we spend so much time together our relationship has morphed into semi-living together, with me doing a lot of the domestic stuff because that's a strength.

I am, in ways, the opposite. I was raised partially by an impatient father with whom I have very limited emotional closeness but we always DID stuff together. Sometimes he would get snappy but only, again in an "execute the mission" type of way. It was unpleasant though, and it pains me that I inflict that on someone else.

I do have self-control and i exercise it. But again, when I'm stressed out or PMSing is when I have actual difficulty exercising it. Is no one else like this?? I guess I really am a jerk

[milly007]

We've only been dating since February, and yes, I have been like this with my boyfriends - at times. My current boyfriend is admittedly very sensitive to rudeness, probably because he is very mature and has given lots of thought to how much he hates bullish behavior, impatience and rudeness. He was bullied and witnessed a lot of *y male behavior towards his mom when he was growing up and is one of the good ones for sure.

 

I know exactly what makes him tick and I apologize usually immediately. Our relationship has more calm/soothing moments than bad ones, but I feel like the bad ones are my fault so that's why I'm here.

 

Ok, well, have you tried being more mindful before/when you speak? Meaning, if you stopped to think through what you're about to say before you say it, you might save your boyfriend some heartache. Easier said than done, I know. But if you care about this guy and really want to change things, I'm sure you'd be willing to give it a go.

 

Plus, the last thing you want is for him to become resentful towards you. Eventually, this type of behaviour can take its toll on someone, and it sounds like his confidence has taken a few hits.

 

No one is perfect, I get that. Even the best of relationships have their bad days. But the way I see it is this: a relationship is an investment. Every word, action, etc. is part of this investment. The more positive things you say and do, the healthier and happier your relationship will be for the both of you. The more negative and critical, etc. someone is in a relationship on a continuous basis, the weaker the relationship becomes and the more these things detract from the relationship.

 

Think about all the good memories you can give him to reflect on! And remember, it's easy to let go of someone who doesn't make you feel good about yourself, but extremely difficult to let go of someone who makes you feel great!

 

Everything may seem okay now, but these comments are slowly chipping away at your boyfriend's patience, tolerance and self-confidence. I hope you can change things for the better!

 

Good luck!!

[rand100417]

Ok, well, have you tried being more mindful before/when you speak? Meaning, if you stopped to think through what you're about to say before you say it, you might save your boyfriend some heartache. Easier said than done, I know. But if you care about this guy and really want to change things, I'm sure you'd be willing to give it a go.

 

Plus, the last thing you want is for him to become resentful towards you. Eventually, this type of behaviour can take its toll on someone, and it sounds like his confidence has taken a few hits.

 

No one is perfect, I get that. Even the best of relationships have their bad days. But the way I see it is this: a relationship is an investment. Every word, action, etc. is part of this investment. The more positive things you say and do, the healthier and happier your relationship will be for the both of you. The more negative and critical, etc. someone is in a relationship on a continuous basis, the weaker the relationship becomes and the more they detract from the relationship.

 

Think about all the good memories you can give him to reflect on! And remember, it's easy to let go of someone who doesn't make you feel good about yourself, but extremely difficult to let go of someone who makes you feel great!

 

Everything may seem okay now, but these comments are slowly chipping away at your boyfriend's patience, tolerance and self-confidence. I hope you can change things for the better!

 

Good luck!!

 

Thank you!! I completely agree and I really, really, really want this relationship to be for the long haul. He and I talked and are going to take a breather this evening since we've spent almost every day together for the past month. We agreed that we probably need more time apart than we realize, like oxygen to fuel flames, and that the world won't end if he does more household stuff and I do less. I think that's also an issue, I tend to overextend myself and then get upset. He's actually coming over now to bring me something since I'm sick. I told him he didn't have to and that he should go spend time with his best friend but he insisted. He's a sweetie.

Thank you again for the advice. I definitely need to practice insta-mediatation or self-talk and self-control.

[j.man]

I'll try not to be harsh because you seem to have come on here out of some honest self-reflection.

 

It's a bit funny because, reading your post, I fall somewhere between you and your guy. My lady couldn't microwave popcorn and couldn't tell a mop from a Brillo pad while I, due to the Army and having been raised by a single mother, having to often take care of the house, cook, and look after my younger siblings, am pretty much Colonel Custer when it comes to the domestic and practical duties. Now I've never let a pot boil over, so I'm judging you a bit there, but still, I can relate to you a bit overall. At the same time, I am zero tolerance when it comes to quips or passive aggressiveness. My fiance's not a saint, so I've ducked a verbal shot here and there, but it's scarce enough I just don't acknowledge it. Were it at all regular, though, I would speak up and tell her outright that's not something I do.

 

But I think you're waging a two-pronged war, here. One is a more general issue of perhaps mild anger issues and a subtle case of diarrhea of the mouth. The second is sounding like resentment with the distribution of labor within the relationship. Honestly, the former is likely best explored with your therapist to exercise some more patience and temperance, but to address the latter, do you think a chunk of this could be coming from resentment that you feel you offer more to the relationship than him? Particularly if you two stand to be pretty equitable in terms of income, it's understandable, even if not necessarily excusable, to be vocally frustrated if the guy's more or less a dunce when it comes to contributing to the household or even being able to pitch-in in a more general relationship sense. You mention that he can lift things, which is good and well... but can you think of other things you can see him bringing to the table in terms of making your life easier or more enjoyable?

[Chelsea54]

This doesn't sound like a straightforward case of rudeness to me. It sounds to me like you are a confident, capable, proactive woman but you need a bit of direction on expressing that. It's good that you don't want to hurt others feelings, but don't feel that you have to step out of your true personality to please your harsh parents and boyfriend. It sounds like you are doing too much for him and creating a codependency. If you cannot stop taking care of him like a child, then at least balance it out to the times that he is taking care of you like a child. Otherwise both be adults and take care of yourselves.

Take care of yourself instead--including writing your paper instead of waiting for him and his roommate to chat and then being a martyr. Take care of yourself with intense workouts if you're feeling high strung. Makes me think of "Taming the Shrew".

Take the time to praise him on what he's doing right, especially on his choices or thoughts.

 

Find new, kinder ways to say the same things that you want to.

 

One thing I learned was to say "I prefer"..... instead of _______is the best or I want xyz to happen.

Perhaps make suggestions instead of criticize or say nothing if it's not dire. Take some time to think about it.

And yes, the thing about --move over, I know how to park this car you ineffective idiot. That was bad. Even though that's not what you said-- that's how people feel.

 

One more:

Always be kind and generous with waitresses and other service people. It goes a long way.

Good luck. Y

[Vanishing Girl]

I also need to point something out maybe. My boyfriend didn't learn many practical/domestic skills growing up because he didn't grow up with a dad, and his mom and him are very close - they have a great relationship - but she didn't prioritize that kind of education. When I met him he didn't drive well (he does now because I let him drive my car and had to bite my tongue so many times and say "please don't kill us" nicely), he doesn't get fixing stuff, he doesn't clean, and he doesn't cook. He can lift anything though and has the best intentions ever and always wants to help. We live in the same neighborhood, which is great, but bc we spend so much time together our relationship has morphed into semi-living together, with me doing a lot of the domestic stuff because that's a strength.

I am, in ways, the opposite. I was raised partially by an impatient father with whom I have very limited emotional closeness but we always DID stuff together. Sometimes he would get snappy but only, again in an "execute the mission" type of way. It was unpleasant though, and it pains me that I inflict that on someone else.

I do have self-control and i exercise it. But again, when I'm stressed out or PMSing is when I have actual difficulty exercising it. Is no one else like this?? I guess I really am a jerk

 

 

I've been (still am as I work on my childhood crap daily) in the same boat. How can people not understand it's not as simple as "just not reacting that way"? It takes A LOT of practice. Keep going! Cheering you on!

 

I think it has something to do with childhood trauma that activates the adrenals (fight or flight response)....it's like we're hyper fight or flight. At least I know I can be and it's when I try to do daily activities (usually taking on too much) and get overstimulated that I go into stress mode. Because of that my pattern has always been "all or nothing" (burning out quick due to overload vs vegging put totally exhausted). Learning balance and self care has been paramount to healing childhood trauma.

 

Wishing you well and just adding my two cents!

[melancholy123]

I used to be a milder version of you and I had to learn to think before I spoke. Words can and do hurt and I worked hard to become a nicer person to everyone. Rarely I catch myself saying something only slightly unpleasant to my husband and I stop in mid sentence and rephrase what I was going to say. You can train yourself to respond better, but it takes work and time.

[rand100417]

This is great advice, Chelsea 54. We do take care of each other, but that's why I was cranky when he didn't come back in the room - he was supposed to bring me a glass of water and come right back bc I have a flu, but instead ended up chatting with his best friend and not letting me know that he would be a while. I guess its better than just random nastiness, but it still can do damage and I want this relationship to flourish. So your advice is spot on.

[rand100417]

I've been (still am as I work on my childhood crap daily) in the same boat. How can people not understand it's not as simple as "just not reacting that way"? It takes A LOT of practice. Keep going! Cheering you on!

 

I think it has something to do with childhood trauma that activates the adrenals (fight or flight response)....it's like we're hyper fight or flight. At least I know I can be and it's when I try to do daily activities (usually taking on too much) and get overstimulated that I go into stress mode. Because of that my pattern has always been "all or nothing" (burning out quick due to overload vs vegging put totally exhausted). Learning balance and self care has been paramount to healing childhood trauma.

 

Wishing you well and just adding my two cents!

 

I can absolutely relate to this and confirm it. You hit the nail on the head. Cheering you on too - thank you for being supportive. It's harder to control yourself when you're up against engrained hormonal responses. I think self-care is probably a huge part, and some others have alluded to that as well.

[Batya33]

I can absolutely relate to this and confirm it. You hit the nail on the head. Cheering you on too - thank you for being supportive. It's harder to control yourself when you're up against engrained hormonal responses. I think self-care is probably a huge part, and some others have alluded to that as well.

 

Controlling yourself is hard of course. But essential in human relationships. Please don't use the hormone excuse - get help to control your reactions if needed.

[Batya33]

So -the water example. You are sick, I get that, and at that moment he wasn't being as thoughtful as he could be to you -he made his friend a priority over getting your water to you faster. Were you incapable of getting your own water? Were you dehydrated where if you didn't get water you'd be on your way to the hospital? My sense is you were mad/frustrated more about the principle of the thing than your actual health condition. Get your own water and later when you are calm -much later -like, when you are feeling better -at least 24 hours, if it STILL bothers you just as much speak with him calmly. "It bothered me when I was sick and you didn't get me water and instead talked to your friend."

 

Also you're lucky you have texting -I didn't have that privilege and I'll explain - yesterday on my way home with our son I felt like crap - dehydrated/exhausted, and more stuff while carrying heavy bags in the hot afternoon. So I texted my husband in advance "feeling dehydrated and exhausted, please have everything ready when we get home" - that way, I could stay calm in front of my son, and warn my husband if I walked in not all positive/smiley. Not because I planned to lash out at him or be rude - just so he would give me that bit of extra space and take over son-related stuff when I walked in. That's self-care so that you decrease the risk of "losing it" or being rude. And it's your responsibility.