Am I way off base here?

[quark]

Broke up with my fiance about a month and a half ago. We have not gone "no contact" because I don't want to be cold to him. I don't want to lead him on either, BUT..we have a lot of loose ends to tie up since we were together so long and lived together. He asked me to get together about a week and a half ago just to catch up. It was awkward, but good because I wanted to know that he had somewhere to stay and was doing fine.

 

Recently, he proposed that we get together again. I mentioned last time that we were together that I ought to give him his ring back. So, we are to meet up so I can do that..plus give him some of his mail, plus discuss a couple other things..like a big TV he bought. ANYWAY -- am I off base for being annoyed at him jumping to conclusions? He out and out texted me to ask if I was seeing someone. A) It's none of his business if I am but B) no..I'm not. And I got offended that he would think I would move on that quickly.

 

So, with this second meeting he texts out "I just hope your man understands we have things we need to work out before we completely part ways, I need time to get my stuff out of the house, etc.." So I say... My man?? Did I miss something here? He just assumed that I had someone I was seeing based off of instagram pictures that I like. Pictures I LIKE..not even post myself. Meaning, he scrolls through the browse section of instagram, clicks on a picture, clicks on the heart, swipes to see if I liked it or not.

 

I told him that just because I "like" something doesn't mean it pertains to me, he needs to stop stalking my social media activity and stop jumping to conclusions, then I blocked him from viewing any of my IG activity. Ugh..I just can't. I'm so put out with him right now that I don't even want to meet up!

[Hollyj]

Stop dragging this out with social meet ups. He still has hope, and this does not help him. Get the loose ends tied up, by phone. Send him the mail. He needs to get his stiff out.

 

Then go NC.

[quark]

I'm not comfortable sending an engagement ring through the mail. And, I think it's kind of cold-hearted to demand he get all of his stuff immediately when he doesn't even have his own place yet (living with his dad right now). I am not saying anything to lead him on, I'm just trying to be courteous. Obviously I don't want to drag this out forever, but as per usual..I am being patient.

[Hollyj]

Okay. Give him the ring back. But, these little meet ups, are giving him hope. That needs to end!

 

I was reading your history. This should have done years ago. The best way to do this, is push this dude to move forward; otherwise, he will be around another six months .

 

He can put his stuff in storage.

[Keyman]

I'm in with Holly here. The longer this drags on, the more jealous he will get and the more hope he will have that maybe things might work out again.

 

I understand that you don't want to be cold, but it is a break up. You are wiping this person from your life, possibly for good. That does not make you a bad or cold person. It makes you a person who wants to physically and emotionally move on with your life.

 

If his stuff is still around the house, then you are not moving on and healing either. It should all be boxed up already and put in the spare room or garage out of sight. And he should be arranging to get it as soon as possible. As Holly said, there are storage places and if he can't afford it, he could try selling stuff. Stick the ring in one of the boxes too.

 

Then block him on EVERYTHING, leaving only the one avenue for communication until his stuff is gone, and then block him on that as well.

[Miastar]

It seems like he's trying to seek reassurance from you when he texts about your "man" and asks if you're seeing someone.. when my ex broke up with me and we had a conversation I said "well I know you're already dating again and on tinder!" And he said he wasn't dating. And it made me feel better and more able to cope with the situation, even though I think he wasn't telling the truth, and I was lying to myself that there was hope.

 

I think you're doing the right things but you don't want to do that whole "helping each other to get over the breakup" thing. I think that's what happened with me and it sucked. We met up, had coffee, chatted, hung out. Awkwardly spoke about him moving his stuff out. all it did was make me sad that we weren't together. and I have no idea how he felt.

 

Anyway. I guess try to hurry this all up and exchange belongings/get things sorted sooner rather than later (although I'm sure you know this anyway).

 

Good luck. I know it's hard xx

[j.man]

I'm not seeing the cause for meeting up, either-- especially if you're not even exchanging anything in them? Ask him for a list of possessions he wants back so you organize them and for times that work for him to pick them up or for you to drop them off. Get over the dumper's guilt and realize the best thing to do for him would to in fact be "cold," as any friendly energy is going to lead him on whether you intend to or not.

 

And why do you still have the engagement ring? Should've been returned upon ending the engagement. And, particularly if you're the one who dumped him, keeping it is probably going to be the strongest lead-on.

 

I don't know your story and whether I'd actually feel bad about the guy, but a lot of this is pretty poor form.

[quark]

I'm not seeing the cause for meeting up, either-- especially if you're not even exchanging anything in them? Ask him for a list of possessions he wants back so you organize them and for times that work for him to pick them up or for you to drop them off. Get over the dumper's guilt and realize the best thing to do for him would to in fact be "cold," as any friendly energy is going to lead him on whether you intend to or not.

 

And why do you still have the engagement ring? Should've been returned upon ending the engagement. And, particularly if you're the one who dumped him, keeping it is probably going to be the strongest lead-on.

 

I don't know your story and whether I'd actually feel bad about the guy, but a lot of this is pretty poor form.

 

 

 

I am the one who ended it. It's also my apartment, and 95% of the things in it were bought by me. Getting together has been his idea both times. First one was just to "catch up". I think he wanted to see where I was at, if I wanted to get back together at all. Even though we didn't exchange anything the first time..I went because I just wanted to see if he was doing okay.

 

This get together is for me to get him his mail and his engagement ring. He was at first hesitant to take it back from me but I insisted and he finally came around. (Was probably hard for him to accept the reality, so that's why I still have it). I do not want to have any more meetings after this one unless it is for the sole purpose of him collecting his things. He's really pissed me off by monitoring my social media habits and then jumping to insane conclusions. Also a big reminder of why we broke up in the first place -- always keeping an eye on what i'm "liking" and who is "liking" my posts. I just can't.

[DancingFool]

Nothing wrong with meeting up after being together so long and getting engaged even. That said, it's not that you meet up, it's what expectations are being communicated. You need to be clear and communicate clearly to him that there is no possibility of getting back together and that meeting up is only for the purpose of addressing loose ends. Don't need to be mean, but you do need to be kind by giving no hope of reconciliation and making that very very clear.

 

As for him perusing your social media, feeling insecure, wondering if you dumped him for someone else and seeking reassurance that it's not it.....I mean he is just being human. You could be a little more understanding of that and that will save you a lot of anger and whatever resentment you seem to be feeling. It would almost be weird if he wasn't worrying about those things. It's just natural under the circumstances regardless of whatever past issues you two had about it. Try not to put them all into the same cart.

[catfeeder]

You can get bent out of shape if you want to. Or, you can just stop replying to anything that doesn't involve returning whatever you need to return, and just do that--and be done with this.