"No Contact". Are these breadcrumbs??? I need prospective!

[Mandala]

Today is particularly hard for me. I'm trying to stay strong, but I keep thinking that there is so much left unsaid. He keeps contacting me in small little ways, but he hasn't actually taken the step of calling to say something of more substance and I don't know anymore what to think.

Of course I'm doing everything I can to focus on myself, but today is just crappy.

 

This is my story since the break up:

 

We were in a long distance relationship. I went to visit him in the Summer. We spent two wonderful weeks together and he said with emphasis that he had a fantastic time and that he would cut his right arm to re-lived those moments again.

 

Forward a few weeks... he had been distant for a couple of weeks in which he started to call me less and less. I wanted to understand why, so I made attempts to talk to him and get some answers, but other than finding out he was worried because he wanted to get a car, but he was kind of broke, I didn't really get much. I've tried to explain to him that because we were in a long distance relationship it was particularly important for us to communicate since phone calls were pretty much all we had at the moment. He said he understood, but things haven't changed. So on August 28th I told him that the situation was causing me pain and that it was better if he would take some time to think about it and when and IF he was ready to be back in the relationship with commitment he would let me know, and if I was still there we could have talked about it. He didn't like that very much and said instead to both take some time to think about solutions to solve our issues and then talk again. We didn't give each other a due date though and to me it felt like a broke-up so on that same day I decided to go no contact.

 

 

On Sep 3rd his best friend message me to know how the two of us were doing. It was weird to find out that he had no idea about what was going on, I told him that my "ex" has decided not to talk to me and although it hurt me I wished he was happy with his decision.

I suspected 'my guy' was behind this to know what I was thinking.

 

On Sep 4th he liked my pic on Facebook. Pretty unusual for him.

On Sep 5th he sent me a WhatsApp message saying 'I miss you too much' to which I didn't answer.

On Sep 6th I sent him a WA text saying to take care of himself (he was in a hurricane area) to which he responded 'thank you'. I then asked him if he was scared and he said 'not much', I said again 'take care', he said 'thank you'.

 

On Sep 7th I've called him to know if he was ok (still for the hurricane) and even though the line was pretty bad, we have talked for a little while. He kept thanking me for being preoccupied about him. He also told me that he loves me, I said I do too and we both said that we miss each other. He also made me hear the sound of the rain and we have remembered an episode of us being under the rain covered by trash bags, we laughed about it and before the line went down (due to the weather they had no power, no internet and the phone lines were not working properly), he said he didn't know when he was going to have internet back, but I assumed he was going to tell me something about getting in touch later.

 

On Set 8th he answered to a message I sent him the day before -before I was able to talk to him- in which I was asking him to let me know if he was fine. He said "Thank you for worrying so much about me. Thank you, really, thank you very much"

I said of "Of course I worry for you. I hope your Family is ok and that there was no damage."

 

On Sep 11th he sent me a message on Messenger saying "Hi". I waited a bit and then

I said "Hey".

He said "What's up my crazy (a funny nickname we gave to each other)?"

I answered with "All good. And you?"

He said "Good", I've read it and I went offline.

 

On Sep 12th (yesterday) I went to check my Facebook and saw that he liked two of my pictures from days ago (he clearly went on my profile to see them as they don't show up on the news feed anymore...). That was at 7AM.

Hours later around lunch he liked another one.

Again this is pretty atypical for him. He only liked pics of me when we just became friends on Facebook, and the other few times it was only when I got a bit distant from him because we had a discussion or something.

I wonder if that's his language to say "I'm here!" or what...

I used to be the more 'dominant' in the relationship. He pursued me for months and one time he even told me that even if he's generally strong he's pretty weak in relationships because he's too good.

 

 

I know this post is really long and peculiar, I'm sorry, but there was no other way to explain what I'm going through and I VERY MUCH need your insight. It's driving me crazy.

I'd also love to hear from a guy prospective...

 

Thank you so much in advance.

[indea08]

He's just trying to make sure you're thinking about him. What do you want from this weird limbo situation? If you want to get back together then tell him not to contact you unless he wants to discuss how he's going to make more of a time commitment for you.

 

You can't continue like this because you're not together but you're both stopping each other from meeting anyone else as well. Decide what you want and accept nothing less.

[DancingFool]

So you spent a couple of weeks together in the summer. Then he was having financial/personal issues and contact dropped off with you. You weren't happy about it, so you dumped him. What do you want now?

[Mandala]

So you spent a couple of weeks together in the summer. Then he was having financial/personal issues and contact dropped off with you. You weren't happy about it, so you dumped him. What do you want now?

 

No, we were together for five months. We met in person, it wasn't an "online" type of relationship.

I couldn't explain everything in the post, but of course there is more to it.

What do I want? Well, I would like to work on our issues and give it another try, but of course we both have to want it. I opened this thread with the hope that someone will give an opinion about why he's giving me all of these signs because I'm in pain and I'm having a hard time trying to decipher what they mean and what he could be thinking. That's all.

[Schockobaerin]

 

Is in spanish but is nail on our situation

[Woah93]

Hey Mandala, I don't know much about your dynamics, but had I been the guy, in a relationship limbo like this I would take some of the messages you sent him as rather cold, compassionate but cold, I don't know the entire backstory, but to me when he called you that nickname maybe he wanted to rekindle a connection for a bit to see how the waters are, it could be breadcrumbs, but maybe not? Calling every day for a long time kills long distance relationships, as it has mine, eventually you run out of things to say, sometimes for things to go back to life you do need some space and it's not always a break-up.

 

I would just test the waters with him and at least open yourself up to him if the aim is to get back together, and ask him where he is at the moment regarding the two of you

[DancingFool]

No, we were together for five months. We met in person, it wasn't an "online" type of relationship.

I couldn't explain everything in the post, but of course there is more to it.

What do I want? Well, I would like to work on our issues and give it another try, but of course we both have to want it. I opened this thread with the hope that someone will give an opinion about why he's giving me all of these signs because I'm in pain and I'm having a hard time trying to decipher what they mean and what he could be thinking. That's all.

 

Well you aren't going to rekindle anything or fix anything by trying to read tea leaves so to speak. You need to pick up the phone and talk to him and be straightforward about what you actually want. Not only what you want, but how that could be achieved from your perspective. A road map of sorts. You also need to listen to what he has to say and if he is willing to work with you or is just giving you platitudes.

 

You do need to recognize that you did call it and end things with him, so now it's on you to walk that back IF it's even possible. Otherwise what is there to think about for him?

[Mandala]

Hey Mandala, I don't know much about your dynamics, but had I been the guy, in a relationship limbo like this I would take some of the messages you sent him as rather cold, compassionate but cold, I don't know the entire backstory, but to me when he called you that nickname maybe he wanted to rekindle a connection for a bit to see how the waters are, it could be breadcrumbs, but maybe not? Calling every day for a long time kills long distance relationships, as it has mine, eventually you run out of things to say, sometimes for things to go back to life you do need some space and it's not always a break-up.

 

I would just test the waters with him and at least open yourself up to him if the aim is to get back together, and ask him where he is at the moment regarding the two of you

 

Thank you for taking the time to get back to me! I know I was cold in my responses, I actually had to force myself to be in that way with him in order to protect my heart.

 

At the very end I had become pathetic with him. I was trying to understand why he has changed so much and I was being very raw. I was the only one calling him and he would just straight up ignore me. It was hurting me greatly, he knew I was going through a hard time and by him getting more distant I could only arrive at the conclusion that he simply didn't care anymore.

He used to call me a lot before and this sudden change of character made me think that the reason he gave me was not the whole truth. I started to become suspicious of everything, even that there could be someone else, and I have expressed these fears to him. I might have scared him out a bit, but he still didn't like the idea of us breaking things up. So, why did he propose to take our time to think about ways to fix things -but then never called- instead of just letting me go? Was it about pride or is he now just scared of talking to me about it?

In brief that's the reason why I took up the responsibility of ending things (even though as I have already said our final agreement was to think about solutions and later talk about them). By his actions it felt like he had already left me, only without telling me.

Though you are right, maybe I should have just leave him space when he was being weird, but it was just too hard for me.

No contact seems to be working and I'm scared of ruining everything if I call him now.

[Mandala]

Well you aren't going to rekindle anything or fix anything by trying to read tea leaves so to speak. You need to pick up the phone and talk to him and be straightforward about what you actually want. Not only what you want, but how that could be achieved from your perspective. A road map of sorts. You also need to listen to what he has to say and if he is willing to work with you or is just giving you platitudes.

 

You do need to recognize that you did call it and end things with him, so now it's on you to walk that back IF it's even possible. Otherwise what is there to think about for him?

 

Thank you for your advise, I really appreciate it. I wrote a response to Woah93. I'd like for you to read it as it might explain to you the reason of my actions...

[DancingFool]

It's not really no contact when you are both contacting each other even if not always directly.

I think you really only have two choices here - either pick up the phone and clear the air one way or the other OR go with your gut and move on and, for your own sake and peace of mind, block him from all your social media.

 

Consider also that long distance is hard on a good day, but when things get weird, it can be really difficult and when you stop trusting the person.....it's just not even possible anymore. Honestly, I think you need to take a big step back, give yourself a chance to cool off and then rethink if you really want him back or not so much.

[Woah93]

Thank you for taking the time to get back to me! I know I was cold in my responses, I actually had to force myself to be in that way with him in order to protect my heart.

 

At the very end I had become pathetic with him. I was trying to understand why he has changed so much and I was being very raw. I was the only one calling him and he would just straight up ignore me. It was hurting me greatly, he knew I was going through a hard time and by him getting more distant I could only arrive at the conclusion that he simply didn't care anymore.

He used to call me a lot before and this sudden change of character made me think that the reason he gave me was not the whole truth. I started to become suspicious of everything, even that there could be someone else, and I have expressed these fears to him. I might have scared him out a bit, but he still didn't like the idea of us breaking things up. So, why did he propose to take our time to think about ways to fix things -but then never called- instead of just letting me go? Was it about pride or is he now just scared of talking to me about it?

In brief that's the reason why I took up the responsibility of ending things (even though as I have already said our final agreement was to think about solutions and later talk about them). By his actions it felt like he had already left me, only without telling me.

Though you are right, maybe I should have just leave him space when he was being weird, but it was just too hard for me.

No contact seems to be working and I'm scared of ruining everything if I call him now.

 

You can't be hungry when you are already full, too much love can kill a relationship just as fast as too little, or like the saying you don't know what you have till it's gone... When you love someone it can be really hard to say to them "look I feel a little smothered and need space from you" I dunno, I think a break is a necessary pain to make things better when you come back, and maybe the messages he sent is cause he was hungry again, I would just let him do the reaching out, but when he does reach out, respond in like fashion, but keep your interest level slightly lower, maybe 10% lower than his, but don't be too cold to avoid giving off wrong impressions, he can't read your mind and it would suck if he would just assume it means there is no chance of reconciling you know?

 

No contact if you want to get someone back does not mean ignoring them when they do reach out, that's bad internet guru advice, it just means that you don't reach out yourself.

[Mandala]

I wish I could 'thank you' twice for this response. It really spoke to me and I agree with everything, including what I think it's the right way of doing NC. It would also go against my character to completely ignore him. You have no idea how much it costed me not to answer to his "I miss you too much" message. I'm not saying I should have jumped right back in it because I know better now (or at least I like to think so! but sometimes I wonder if I should have done something different...

Anyway, too late for that.

I have been battling all day the urge of calling him. There is a lot going on in my life right now and it makes me miss him even more. I miss his reassurance, his warmth, his calls, his voice...

God, how hard it is.

I really appreciate your words. ❤️

[Mandala]

It's not really no contact when you are both contacting each other even if not always directly.

I think you really only have two choices here - either pick up the phone and clear the air one way or the other OR go with your gut and move on and, for your own sake and peace of mind, block him from all your social media.

 

Consider also that long distance is hard on a good day, but when things get weird, it can be really difficult and when you stop trusting the person.....it's just not even possible anymore. Honestly, I think you need to take a big step back, give yourself a chance to cool off and then rethink if you really want him back or not so much.

 

I have been trying to think about that. I go from understanding how hard it would still be to keep the relationship ...to... I don't care, if it's love we'll find a way to make it work.

Today is particularly hard, I seem unable to think straight. My heart is winning the battle against my brain. I'm frustrated and alone. I just wish all this could go away.

Thank you for the support.

[Schockobaerin]

You can't be hungry when you are already full, too much love can kill a relationship just as fast as too little, or like the saying you don't know what you have till it's gone... When you love someone it can be really hard to say to them "look I feel a little smothered and need space from you" I dunno, I think a break is a necessary pain to make things better when you come back, and maybe the messages he sent is cause he was hungry again, I would just let him do the reaching out, but when he does reach out, respond in like fashion, but keep your interest level slightly lower, maybe 10% lower than his, but don't be too cold to avoid giving off wrong impressions, he can't read your mind and it would suck if he would just assume it means there is no chance of reconciling you know?

 

No contact if you want to get someone back does not mean ignoring them when they do reach out, that's bad internet guru advice, it just means that you don't reach out yourself.

Thank you for this answer, is SPOT ON my situation.. "too much love can kill a relationship" this happened with me I hope over time things are going to resolve itself with distance and NC, and if not Im learing to control my emotions

[Woah93]

Haha, it's been my situation as well, trying to follow the things i know with my head, but emotions make things difficult I know I just know that when i've been the distant one, a few of the things I have been battling with is "wow she loves me this much and I am everything to her, I'm not sure if I deserve this or am able to give this back all the time, maybe I need to back away a bit to cool things off" but it wasn't about losing feelings though it may seem that way. Funny how misunderstandings can happen so easily, gotta stay on your toes

[Mandala]

Haha, it's been my situation as well, trying to follow the things i know with my head, but emotions make things difficult I know I just know that when i've been the distant one, a few of the things I have been battling with is "wow she loves me this much and I am everything to her, I'm not sure if I deserve this or am able to give this back all the time, maybe I need to back away a bit to cool things off" but it wasn't about losing feelings though it may seem that way. Funny how misunderstandings can happen so easily, gotta stay on your toes

 

Are you saying that there is a possibility that he could have had the same thoughts? Because honestly it has crossed my mind that that could have been one of the reasons for his distance...

 

]

[Woah93]

Are you saying that there is a possibility that he could have had the same thoughts? Because honestly it has crossed my mind that that could have been one of the reasons for his distance...

 

]

 

It's possible..

[Mandala]

It's possible..

 

So, I know you guys tend to perceive time differently because you can distract yourself more easily from your emotions, but I mean, would you consider a month as a plausible time to take your space/distance or are you talking about days/weeks?

[Schockobaerin]

So, I know you guys tend to perceive time differently because you can distract yourself more easily from your emotions, but I mean, would you consider a month as a plausible time to take your space/distance or are you talking about days/weeks?

 

It is at least 3 weeks and its the mininum, normally it can take up to 3-6 months

Mandala erase old messages, I cannot pm you anymore

[Mandala]

It is at least 3 weeks and its the mininum, normally it can take up to 3-6 months

Mandala erase old messages, I cannot pm you anymore

 

Ok, I'm going to erase some right now. ❤️

[Mandala]

It is at least 3 weeks and its the mininum, normally it can take up to 3-6 months

Mandala erase old messages, I cannot pm you anymore

 

...as you can see I have more than one trouble letting go... even of messages!!!

[Schockobaerin]

...as you can see I have more than one trouble letting go... even of messages!!!

haha thank you for making me laugh, you are going to see that now Im down

[Mandala]

It is at least 3 weeks and its the mininum, normally it can take up to 3-6 months

Mandala erase old messages, I cannot pm you anymore

 

Sorry, I should have said 'men' instead of 'guys', I was referring to Woah93 and his "pause" from the relationship, not the NC time. But thank you dear!

[Woah93]

Well a month would be a little bit long yeah... but if I needed space and that space would not have been given then it would extend the time for me, and it would also make me feel like the other would not respect boundaries that I made clear and would feel like disrespect, making me take more distance, but I think that it should all be done in a loving way clearly letting the other know why and not leave somebody in limbo, that is unloving

[Woah93]

On the other hand if she wen't along with it, and gave me the space I would feel more warm and actually get back in touch sooner lol