mynameisneo Posted September 7, 2017 Share Posted September 7, 2017 I'm starting this thread in the hope that it will be another tool for me to regain my happiness and sense of self after my breakup. I fell in love with a girl in February. We dated casually, then really heated up in the middle of May. The intimacy was incredible - the stuff of dreams. We broke up in the middle of July. I wanted a normal, exclusive relationship. She didn't. Just emotional incompatibility that eventually led to arguments that ended us. We fought and she called for space initially, leaving hope for getting back together. She went on a trip overseas and I was a wreck for 3 weeks. When she came back, she was ready to end things and I wasn't. We fought one more time and broke it off for good. I'm not sure who dumped who. Probably her more than me. Don't know if it matters. I blocked her from all social media, phone, WhatsApp 22 days ago. I haven't contacted her. At all. I unblocked her a couple of times (weakness on my part), but don't intend to do so again. I went through phases of leaning on my friends, mentally scheming how to get her back, pining for her, missing her, etc. I now realize the relationship is dead. I realize that I was in love with her despite her many faults, but it was not going to go anywhere. I realize I made mistakes in the relationship and breakup as well. Most of all, I realize that I don't want her back. However It's now been about 7 weeks total since the initial fight/breakup, and 22 days since we called it off for good. And I've been a total wreck this week in terms of sleep and depression. I'm basically bedridden, and sleeping 4 hours a night at most. I go to sleep, wake up, and can't go back to sleep. I'm taking anti-depressants and Xanax. They're helping, but just slightly (I have a history of depression and anxiety, and after working so hard to get off both SSRIs and benzos for 10 years I had to go back on them 10 days ago). She passes through my thoughts often. Just her name, fragments of her face. It angers and aggravates me at the same time. Mornings are often times the worst time that I struggle with No Contact. I'm doing my best to stick with it. 22 days of No Contact so far, at least I have that going. I have no motivation to do anything. Literally, anything. Work, work out, eat, etc. I at least no longer feel like I swallowed a boot and eat if I need to. Why the wave of depression and insomnia now? I was a complete horrible mess initially. I wanted to throw up every minute and could barely function, then it seemed like I was moving on. I don't understand what is happening, and why this has come back to hit me so hard. Especially when my thoughts in general about the relationship, who she is, and what she now means to me are very lucid. I get that the thing is dead and buried, and have no hope or desire to resurrect it. I can't function without sleep. It's one of the most powerful weapons I have, and it's gone. And it's wrecking everything else. I just want to move on. The relationship wasn't even that long - but it was incredibly intense while it lasted, which is probably why this is hitting me so hard. Your thoughts and support are welcome and appreciated. I'm going to try to write here, daily, if only for my own sanity and healing/recovery. Link to comment
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