Jump to content

In the 7th circle of hell after breakup - my journey back to sanity

Recommended Posts

  • Replies 103
  • Created
  • Last Reply

47 days of successful No Contact


After 79 total days since the fight that caused the breakup (I consider this the breakup point, given the fact that we were absolutely not normal after that and certainly not a couple), and 47 days of absolute No Contact and mostly Strict No Contact, I can say with confidence I've made it into acceptance, even trending towards indifference.


My thoughts about my ex are now several a day, at most. They're all neutral. The conversations that were taking place in my head are mostly gone - haven't had one in 2-3 days. The memories have faded. The rose-colored glasses are smashed to pieces. I see the relationship clearly for what it was, the good and the bad. I don't pine for her, want her, wonder if she cares, what she's up to, who she's with. I have no desire to contact her or be friends. I don't _not_ want to be friends with her, but I'm certainly not going to initiate that conversation. In short, I'm fully OK with her being out of my life. I'm grateful for the good times we had, as well as the lessons learned. I'll use them to be more diligent in the future about who I bring into my life, how to have better boundaries, and how to react to certain situations to minimize pain on both sides.


For those wondering, a combination of things got me here, but they're all the advice given over and over and over by everyone. I just followed it as close as possible and willed myself to get better. And at some point, I realized that my ex was no longer hurting me, I was hurting myself. That's when things started to change for the better, and I just kept on track.


I regret not starting No Contact on Day 2, when after the initial argument, it was clear that we were not going to work out as a couple. It would have saved me at least 30 days of pain - possibly the most miserable 30 days of my life. I'm grateful to have had the support system I had, and I'm glad I didn't hesitate to ask for professional (medical) help when I needed to. I'm grateful I had the discipline to follow the blueprint, not give up my dignity and self-respect, and put myself first.


I'm incredibly grateful for this place and all of you. Everyone that's interacted with me through this painful, stupid journey filled with ups, downs, black holes, then light. I've never met any of you. It's unlikely that I will. But I appreciate all of you that have given to me when I needed it most.


I will keep this journal for a little while longer, maybe to 60 days. If a moderator is watching this, and deems appropriate, please feel free to move this to the Journals section. Or leave it, whatever you desire. I'm not done healing, but I'm close. And I'll absolutely become whole, there's zero doubt of that now.


All for today. Thank you. Again. May you find your own peace as soon as humanly possible

Link to comment
Congrats man! how's things going with the new lady in your life


Hey Dave, thanks! Things with the new lady are really good. One caveat though: we are both moving super super slow at my request. We are dating, but not exclusively. I am limiting the time I see her, on purpose. And we talk very openly about everything, mostly at my request. Last night, for instance, we talked about things and character traits that each other really do not like, and should avoid if at all possible.


My sentimental side says move faster, because the chemistry's awesome and she's really great in all respects. Sentiments and chemistry got me where I am and on this forum in the first place so I'm letting my rational mind take control for the foreseeable future. And in all relationships going forward.


Hope you are well!

Link to comment

48 days of successful No Contact


At this point, things are pretty much on autopilot. I talked to my Dr. today about the meds. I'll keep the anti-anxiety meds through the holidays. The Xanax, only as needed. I'm barely using it anyway.


The only time I thought about my ex today was now, as I'm typing in this forum. Things have swung dramatically even from the positive reinforcement this site, yourtango, breakuprecoveryguide and others have given me before in the sense that I don't need to visit them as much, if at all. I'm 100% aware of my new normal, and it's a really good new normal. I'm even grateful for the breakup. Not the pain though, I could have really done without that


But I've learned so much. Every bit is being applied in my new dating life, in the people I meet, in how I approach every date, how I evaluate girls. Triggers, red flags, etc. are much more visible. I'm much more discerning about where to invest, how much to invest. And most importantly, when to stop. I've ended several dates after the first date because there was no point in moving forward other than the eventual physical intimacy. And I'm not sorry. Time is an incredibly precious commodity, and I am totally done with any kind of drama.


Zero desire for contact, or to receive contact from my ex. Frankly could care less. I have a feeling she may make contact soon - I'm getting a vibe from a mutual friend, but I'll say no and politely move on. There's nothing to say, honestly, and I don't want to revisit any of the relationship for any reason.


All for today. I'm in a great place and I hope you get here soon as well

Link to comment

49 days of successful No Contact


I met with one of my closest friends today, who has been by my side this entire time, and through my darkest moments as my relationship ended. She told me, verbatim, that she "can't even recognize me from last week. It's like I'm a totally different person, and a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders."


I'm definitely in the early stages of acceptance. Finally, thank heavens. I think about my ex only sporadically. The mental conversations are nearly gone. The memories have faded. More important, everything that was not right with the relationship is so patently clear, for all the logical reasons. Oh, I certainly knew these things, even before. But the facts were accompanied by anger, regret, brooding, romanticizing, missing my ex, and a whole host of emotions. Now they just stand on their own - just data and facts.


I had a date with another girl last night. A work colleague from another department. She's absolutely wonderful. We met two months ago by happenstance. I was not in a mental state where I could go out on a date with her. It's so different now. There was so much chemistry, laughter, conversation that flowed without a single shred of effort. We had a wonderful dinner, split a bottle of wine, and I drove her home with a kiss on the cheek.


She knows I'm seeing someone. I told her I'm not ready to be exclusive with anyone at the moment. I'm also not ready, or willing, to go on a sex spree with a bunch of girls. I have the good fortune of having two wonderful girls in my life, and I will at some point soon have to make a choice: date one, or none. We agreed to continue hanging out casually. I won't disrespect her by making advances towards her while I'm intimate with someone else, no matter how non-attached I am. That, and that's just never been my thing.


I'm finally happy again. With or without someone. Most of the pain is absolutely gone, and everything I could do and wanted to do before, I can do again. I'm actually much more disciplined in several respects. I can't say I'm grateful for the breakup - no one wants pain. But I've learned from it, because there were lessons to be learned.


If you're following this, and you're miserable, hurting, down, depressed, know it gets better. Follow the advice of everyone else that's made it through. There's a period of absolute suck, no question. But it's up to you how long you want that to last. If you have the discipline and will to follow the blueprint and get better, you can cut your recovery time drastically.


And by blueprint I mean the thousands of articles out there that tell you how to recover from a breakup. They're all identical, so I won't list or endorse one. Pick your favorite, and start Strict No Contact as soon as you can. And things will go better from there.


All for today. Thanks for listening. I hope your night is pain-free

Link to comment
Great and uplifting post Neo!


Hope one day I will get to the point of where you are.


I've made a lot of strides, but the dull ache is still there. I just want it ALL to go away.


Keep up the good works!


It just takes time cristal. If you're doing all the right things, time and discipline takes care of the rest. You'll get there, I have faith in you!!

Link to comment

50 days of successful No Contact


I'm gaining weight Given that I lost about 8 lbs, it's not such a big deal. But I've got to start going back to the gym. First thing next week.


Everything's totally fine. My friends and coworkers are all telling me they haven't seen me like this in over a year. I'm as close to fully back to normal as I remember. I haven't seen the first girl I'm dating in a few days due to work schedules, and we kind of miss one another. She sends a sweet text, I respond with another. I go out with my co-workers for lunch, dinner, happy hour. I'm doing everything I was doing before, and more. I'm spending less time going out to bars/clubs (what my ex liked to do), and more time on my couch reading and watching TV. I miss the gym the most. Up to now, I've only been walking. I was in incredible shape before my breakup, and next week that regimen starts back.


After today, I'm going to slow down my posting frequency - weaning myself off this board, as much as I've needed it, is also part of my recovery plan. Zero social media contact, the desire to see her social media activity has far lessened. I had one pang today, but that's it. I did nothing but surf to another web page, and it quickly went away.


If I happen to falter, which I hope I don't, I'll go back to posting on a regular basis. I'm glad to be where I am. It really does suck to open up your heart to someone and have it broken - and the level of suck is absolutely the worst I've ever felt my entire life. I'm glad I had the courage to do it, to shut it off as soon as I had when I saw that the relationship would not last, and to have learned from the experience. I maintain that I'm not happy about going through the pain. I don't think anyone is, and if they tell you they are, they are probably lying. I hope I never encounter suffering like that again.


I appreciate you all. I hope you find the fastest possible way to recover from your own pain, and learn to avoid it permanently going forward.

Link to comment

You have set an example and have been a great source of strength to all of us Neo and I wish you the very best going forward.


I must add, I've truly enjoyed your posts and looked forward to them each morning. Please pop in now and then.


Wishing you a life fill with love and happiness.


Take care!

Link to comment

55 days of successful No Contact


The first 4/5 days have been easy. Smooth sailing the entire way. My relationship with girl #1 is awesome, and we're essentially exclusive, though neither one of us has called it. I'm incredibly lucky to have her in my life, she is absolutely wonderful.


I went to the gym over the weekend, twice. I'm ashamed of how out of shape I am compared to my previous conditioning and vow to get back to peak shape soon. The fact that I went to the gym was a pretty big milestone for me - it was the last remaining habit that I had not returned to since the breakup. Everything feels basically normal. I have a dilemma in being interested in another girl, who is also interested in me, but I am going to dial girl #2 to friend zone. I don't need the mental baggage of a non-exclusive relationship, and I'm really happy with girl #1.


Day 5 (today) was a bit rough. Through sheer stupid happenstance, and really weird circumstances, I saw a picture of my ex on the Net. I can't explain the situation without compromising my anonymity, but it wasn't illegal, pornographic, or me stalking her social media. It triggered me. And having friends that messaged me with "did you see that?" didn't exactly help.


I thought about her a lot today. I debated whether to break No Contact to send her a "hey, saw you here, congrats" text. Thoughts about the good parts of our relationship flooded back. My mood shifted to pangs of sadness. In the end, I did nothing. I did the math, and the math said breaking No Contact will just make it worse, and it's not really bad anymore, so why make it worse? If I contact her, the outcomes possible are a) she doesn't respond, b) she responds and is indifferent, c) she responds and we argue, d) she responds and is polite but indifferent, e) she responds, is polite and not indifferent. That's a 1/5 chance of a response that is really not favorable, since I don't want a relationship with her anymore, but would satisfy my emotional needs and ego. Really bad odds, and not worth it even for the 1 in 5 chance. My emotions are fine and my ego doesn't need to be fed by her.


Obviously she still has an effect on me, but it has greatly diminished. I know I'm being vague, but this was a major trigger. And I'm pretty proud for not reacting and letting it get to me. Other than writing it here, the effects are mostly gone, and this is me being fully honest with myself and comparing it to when I first saw it. Time and discipline have taught me so much. So has pain. That whole thing about the most valuable lessons being the most painful and expensive is pretty damn true.


All for today. I hope you're all doing well on your own road to recovery. May you avoid triggers. They really suck

Link to comment

56 days of successful No Contact


Today was harder than I thought it would be, hence the return to this board. Flashes of sadness came and went all day. I wore several of my friends out with talking their ear off, in turns, instead of contacting my ex. One was expecting it. Through all this, I'm so incredibly fortunate to have friends that care enough to let me lean on them when needed. I'll never be able to thank them enough.


Seeing my ex yesterday, even randomly on the Net, was painful. I made the pain worse by looking at her social media pages. I hadn't done this in some time, and went around the blocks I had in place by using a common friend's cell phone. There was nothing there to see that was super damaging to my psyche - thank heavens. But what amplified the wounds was seeing her move on with life. I felt the old pains for 30 minutes or so. Nothing nearly as bad as before. But it still hurt.


In the end, I did this to myself. The trigger yesterday was pure happenstance and there was literally nothing I could do to avoid it. Today's pain was on me. I broke Strict No Contact. Every bloody "how to get over your breakup" article tells you not to look. And here I am, like an idiot poking the bear. Part of it was testing myself - was I ready? Answer's clearly no, even though the pain is fractional compared to two months ago. I'm not in the IDGAF stage and won't be for some time yet, not if I keep doing this.


Which I won't. "Does it hurt when you do that? Then don't do that!!" Simple, rational logic. I at least had the presence of mind to find distractions, and take deep breaths and time myself out when the urge to break No Contact became overpowering. I rationalized why I shouldn't, then spilled my guts in the "Post here instead of contacting your ex" thread. And journaled in my private journal.


There is lemonade to be made even from the sourest of lemons, however. I saw something she wrote about her take on love. The incompatibilities we had were even more cemented by what I read. It would have never worked long-term, ever. And I'm lucky to be out of the relationship despite what I went through.


Part of what sucks is the fact that I find myself unable to give as much as I did to my ex to the new girl I'm dating - who is better than my ex in every way possible. I promised myself, and several of my friends made me promise them as well, that I would not hurt this girl the way my ex hurt me. I'm trying really hard to both move forward with an incredible human being, but do it at a pace that is slower than most relationships. It's a tough balancing act.


She knew something was wrong today, because I got a text from her telling me that she'll "always be here for me." Why can't I love her the way I loved my ex? Maybe it's just too soon. But I really hope to, one day.


All for today. I hope you're well. Avoid the things that hurt you. You know better.

Link to comment

Yeh it's a bit soon as you are still very attached to your ex...and that's totally fine....


I'm doing the same..exploring a new option...I'm not healed yet either but push on we must...


I've definitely had slow starting relationships that have grown into full blown love...including my recent exwife.


But just take it slow. Don't worry about the future too much. Just enjoy each day for what it is. Enjoy what you have in this moment*


And don't worry too much about FaceBook...We all do it...


Separating from someone you love, especially if you're the one being left, is extremely difficult and we deal with it the best we can....And you're doin' great buddy.


I'm handling this breakup better than the last one and I unfollowed my ex on day 1.


But did the FB thing in my last big breakup....I would use it as a guage...If it still stung a lot, it would be some time before I looked again...


Nowadays I can look at it and not feel bad at all....


And you did well not reacting to today by reaching out...That only makes it worse....So you can be proud of that*


NC is hard...Damn hard! So be proud of everyday you get through it...And today will also pass*


Sending you Strength.


Link to comment

60 days of successful No Contact


When I first started No Contact, I thought 60 days of No Contact would either be impossible or would be some kind of impressive milestone. The truth, at least for me, is somewhere in between. It has definitely been hard at times. But it's no more or less impressive than anything after day 30, really. Once new habits form, they become routine after a while. Triggers have much less of an effect now. Desire to contact is oftentimes zero. And thoughts of my ex have lessened to the point that she has become a shadow. I am fully convinced that her ghost will leave me soon.


I'm dating girl #1 exclusively now. There's no one else in the picture. The difference in the relationship and emotional feedback, our likes, shared passions and hobbies, mutual attraction, the dynamic of how we communicate and treat each other are night and day different from whatever the hell my ex and I had. The last 4 weeks have been incredibly eye-opening. My new GF, for lack of a better word, since we're not using labels, is sweet, caring, good, thoughtful, intelligent, worldly, incredibly gorgeous and spectacular in bed. I am beyond lucky to have found her. And I'm glad I put in the time and work in really rationalizing through the compromises I made during my last relationship, as well as fixing the areas where I was at fault (it is never one-sided). I didn't have a lot of tweaks to make, as I was incredibly good to my ex. But there are absolutely things I could have done differently, both for the sake of the relationship and for the sake of my mental sanity. I know what those things are now, and I won't repeat past mistakes.


More than anything, I realize that no matter whether an ex deserves a certain pedestal or not (mine certainly did, for looks and sensuality), if you dedicate enough time and effort to being the very best you can be, you will continue to attract high caliber people that are compatible to your physical as well as emotional needs. After the breakup, I didn't think I would be able to find someone as beautiful or as sensual as my ex. Once the emotional spikes flattened out, I realized again who I was as a person, and what I had to offer. And that I could attract someone just as beautiful, just as sensual as my ex, without the mental baggage.


Mind you, looks and sex aren't everything, far from it. Healthy chemistry, intelligence, class, genuine kindness - those things matter much more than looks. It was, however, great to see a quote that floats around on this forum quite a bit, realized for me: "There is someone better than your ex out there". And I cannot deny that the fact that my new GF is better looking and even more sensual than my ex is not both a huge bonus and a boost to my self-esteem.


This bit of (admitted) vanity aside, the takeaway for me has been this:


- Grieve properly and follow the tried and true method of getting over heartbreak

- Be good to yourself

- Genuinely work on yourself and your problem areas. We all have them. Recognize them for what they are and do your absolute best to fix them

- Get to a point where you can view your past relationship in a logical light, leaving emotion to the side

- Once you're able to see what went wrong, don't repeat past mistakes

- Be the best you that you can be

- Don't compromise on your next relationship. The right person is out there


Is my new GF "the one"? I'm not sure such a thing exists. I do know, however, that 1 month in to my relationship, this is already a better relationship than my entire last relationship. I'll continue to take it slow, build on what we have, and be good, honest and genuine to one another. And for now, that's all that's needed.


All for today. Believe in yourself, and be good to yourself. The right person is out there, and if you put the best version of you forward, you stand a very good chance of finding them

Link to comment



Your descriptions of your emotional and physical states are identical to what I went through a year ago. Keep up the NC and (if you haven't yet) just drop FB and your social media sites completely until you truly feel healed. I evangelized this a while back but would backslide every now and again....which would also set me back mentally and emotionally.


I can tell from your tone that you're progressing.


Keep the good work. Brighter days are coming.....

Link to comment

66 days of successful No Contact


ShatteredMan, my days are as bright as tropical sunshine I blocked my ex from everything, social media included, and it worked wonders. Thanks for your sentiments.


Today is 4 weeks since I met girl #1, who I'm now exclusive with. She's awesome in every way. Emotionally, I am not giving her as much as I gave my ex - but this is my own doing. But I absolutely give her more than enough to have a happy and healthy relationship. I'm not letting myself fall in love. And I probably won't for a long while. But that's OK. I'm not ready to fall in love again. For now, I'm just not ready to open my heart fully to anyone.


Virtually everything is back to normal. My ex is truly a ghost. Yes, she still haunts me from time to time, but it's incredibly infrequent. Once, twice a day, maybe. Sometimes I think of contacting her, and I realize that really there is nothing to say. There are some pieces missing from our puzzle, but I think no matter what, they'd still remain missing. I've almost gotten to the point where I would be ready to smile, say hello and walk away if I saw her in person, right in front of me, with no other emotion. I know this scenario is coming, given our work proximity. And I'm glad I'm mentally ready to face it now.


It feels interesting to have someone fully drop out of your life, someone that you were close and intimate with, and not be friends with them, just "strangers with memories", as they say. But you can't be friends with everyone that walks through your life. And not everyone that is in your life will remain there. Some people will stick, some won't. Just the way things are.


Being in acceptance, I look back at other relationships of long, long ago, and realize that with the passage of time and benefit of distance, the pain really does go away completely. I think of former ex-gfs that were in my life longer than my ex, and I've forgotten what they look like, where they are, what they're doing, nor do I really care to know one way or another. I'm 75-80% there with my last ex. I thought briefly about what she'd be up to today - weekends are harder in general - and realized that as opposed to, say, 1 month ago, the intense desire to run to her Instagram page that used to hit every morning, that took 10 minutes on average to curb, is basically gone. The triggers are much shorter and space out by days rather than minutes or hours. I've also returned to several of the spots we used to frequent, and none of that felt weird.


I also no longer wonder how she felt about us, or the breakup. I'm not sure when this came. I think in the last few days. I realize that it really doesn't matter how she felt - and that in itself feels a little strange. Is it good not to care? Probably. These are the very last of the ashes of our relationship that I'm now sifting through. Soon, there will be nothing left to analyze. I'll be grateful when that day comes.


All for today. I hope your weekend is splendid and devoid of pain. May you find your peace as well

Link to comment

Wow. Your story and fight gives me some kind of hope. I am really proud of you in a way. That you've come through all of that pain, and have come so far. You should really be proud.


My story is kind of similiar to yours. We've known each other for 3 years, were best friends for 2 years before we got together. We talked all day 24/7 for 2 years. I helped her through anxiety attacks, suicidal thoughts and self-harming things... We were so close. We werent always just friends, from the start there was a connection. But I was scared to pursue, due to I couldn't handle loosing her as a friend. So I kind of "blocked" my own feelings towards her. But she couldn't do that. She had strong feelings for me. So I did kind of hurt her some times. And know I look back at that with so much regret. How could I hurt her like that? When we went to the same school, and I saw other guys giving her attention, it hit me that I really did have feelings for her. I had just supressed them. So I told her, and we started exploring it. Not only were we best friends after a few months, we were a couple. I have never been happier in my life. I thought this was the girl I would spent many years with. We did so many things together like travelling, dates and so many small things that haunt me today. After a few months, we started argueing some times due to her very sensitive sides. And it got really stressfull for me, cause I had alot of things to take care of besides her. After some time we kept going, I decided to end things. I cried that night so much. But after a weak, it almost seemed like it didn't affect me at all. I was happy, and she was miserable. She tried contacting me and everything, and sometimes I wasn't nice because it would annoy me. After some times that she reached out to me, she stopped. It was first after some time that I found out she was dating someone else, and she had kissed him. That broke my world down. I was completely broken. I did all the wrong things, begging her, asking her all these questions while I was crying. I really didn't realise what I had lost. I think it was due to the fact I broke up with here, with a hope that we would get back together. But I know that wasn't fair of me. Not at all. My whole life seems broken, and I feel so empty inside. I don't have the motivation to do anything. I am forced to see her due to school. She just hurts so much thinking she was once my everything, and now we are like strangers. Memories haunt me, and the thought of her with him haunts me. Everyday. She won't take me back, she said she is happy, and doesn't feel anything for me anymore. I can't imagine myself with anyone else but her.


And yes before you scream at me, I know all of this is my own fault. If I had realised all of this when she was hurting, and I somehow did not just "skip" right over the healing process, which I somehow did?? We would still be together, and she wouldn't have kissed someone else. Everyday I just wish I could go back and slap myself in the face, and scream "What the f are you doing??? stay with her"


I am a few weeks into NC, it helps yes... but it feels like there is a long way to go... thinking that she is so happy, and im here miserable as hell.


As I've said your post gives me hope... and I know eventually I will be OK again, but right now it hurts and I feel empty... and just thinking of that kiss they had... auch... Again huge kudos to you man, you've really come a long way from reading all of your posts!


- Sorry if you feel like I hijacked your thread. It just nice to vent a bit!

Link to comment

Hopehead, vent away I'm glad my posts are encouraging you. The first few weeks are tough. You'll get to a point though where things begin to get better and better all of the sudden. Happened about ~40 days into No Contact for me, and about 65 days from the initial fight that cause the breakup. Rough estimates. I don't really think about it anymore.


I think everyone grieves according to their own timeline, but I do know this: strict No Contact obviously helps, but what I think helped almost as much was writing, journaling, and reading articles and a couple of books about the logic and grief cycle of breakups on a multiple day basis for a while. These activities helped the logical part of my mind overtake the emotional part of my mind, and enabled me to see the relationship with my ex for what it really was, vs. the few great parts my emotional mind was hanging on to. This is really important for a very specific reason: if you're in No Contact, your ex is gone, out of your life. And you realize they literally do not have the ability to hurt you anymore.


Which means the person that's hurting you is you. The negative self-talk, the replay of now useless discussions, the lingering memories, whatever it may be. And you can make all that stop anytime you want to.


It's not super easy, but really not that difficult once you really and truly process the above. You're in control. You have the ability to think about other things. To do other things. To look at the relationship with a clear and rational lens, separating emotion from facts on the ground. Once you do that, the romanticizing begins to stop, and the healing truly starts, and it comes fast.


I'm not fully healed, but very close. I thought about my ex today. Then I thought about the wonderful girl I was with, the truly awesome day I spent with her, and how during the entirety of my relationship with my ex, I had never had such a nice day with my ex. It was an easy comparison. And I pushed my ex out of my head and moved her where she belongs: in a dusty, neglected part of my memory bank, that keeps filling with sand, dirt and cobwebs. And went on about my business and enjoyed my day.


You have everything you need to stop the pain. Getting there is hard. Once you do, you'll be amazed how quickly you start to heal. Best of luck to you!

Link to comment

Your posts have given me a wee bit of hope. It's been almost three months now and I'm still in a bad way, obsessively thinking about him/us. Logically I know I deserve better then he was willing/able to give and the cold way he's behaved since the break up but I can't seem to get past it.

It's been 36 days since I last contacted him, 32 since he replied to my email.

I feel like I'm losing my mind sometimes, I'm going on holiday next week and am worried that this will be even tougher when I don't have something big to look forward to. The thought of Christmas and New Year (then my birthday soon after) really hurts my heart.

Link to comment

72 days of successful No Contact


I'm glad my posts are helping. But I reiterate, I've done nothing special. I hurt, terribly, for what seemed like an eternity, just like everyone else. Sadly, there's no magic pill to take the pain away. Just the will to power through it and the discipline to do the things necessary to move through and past the pain.


I haven't seen my new GF much this past week. I realize that I'm growing fond of her, and I miss her. My relationship with her is very different than my relationship with my ex. The cadence of our conversations, the text messages, the tone of what we say to one another. It's not bad different, or good different. It's just not the same.


The time apart gave me the opportunity to reflect on this. My ex and I had different chemistry, and our conversations flowed to the point where we'd almost complete each other's sentences at times. My current GF and I do not have the same chemistry - perhaps because we don't have the opportunity to text/chat as much during the day. But when we're together, it's so much more beautiful than my previous relationship, because she gives me what my ex never did: emotional reassurance and stability. I've never been the jealous, possessive type. It's just not worth the waste of emotion. But trust is important, and trust is built through demonstrated actions as well as open and honest communication.


I realize I never fully trusted my ex, because she was so guarded, so closed off with her emotions. And it killed our relationship.


And when I thought about contacting her 2 days ago to clear the air, to make peace, to put an olive branch between us, I thought back to everything she put me through, and reaffirmed what I already knew: this person isn't worth the effort, and it's a waste of my pride and dignity.


It sucks that I still think about my ex, even though it's now flashes of memory, like broken scenes on a movie screen, but she's still there. I have full grasp of the ability to rationally push her away though. And I realize that my rational mind has fully won.


What I've lost is the ability to truly love. Before, I said I would never love again. It was my way of protecting myself. And I believe boundaries, taking things slow, making sure you open your heart to the right person are all good things. But it does suck that I'm not able to feel for my GF what I felt for my ex. The relationship is still new, but I feel that I am absolutely holding back, and it's now involuntary. I do my best to give her everything she's giving me. But I know part of it is an act.


This is perhaps my first realization of the real damage the breakup has made. Not the pain, not the insomnia, the weight loss, the inability to eat, etc. Those were just the symptoms. The illness is losing your ability to love and trust, to a certain degree.


And I don't really know whether I want that back, or whether I ever will. And it really sucks not to know that.


It is unreal how much humans can hurt one another, and in what ways. How the pain and destruction of a broken heart changes us. Even when we're back to being the same as before, everything is totally different.


All for today. The weekend's almost here. I hope yours goes well. And I hope you don't hurt the ones you truly love, and the ones that truly love you back

Link to comment
  • 3 weeks later...

89 days of successful No Contact


It feels somewhat strange to write this before the 90-day mark, given the symbolism that milestone conveys. But some things have happened, and I feel the need to write.


My current GF and I had our first argument this weekend, after 8 weeks of dating. It wasn't anything major. Tempers weren't lost, insults weren't exchanged. I don't put up with that kind of drama, and I wouldn't have let it get there. But it was still emotional, and it was not pleasant, these things never are.


The argument highlighted a few things, most important some of the irrational behavior I exhibited during my relationship and breakup with my ex. I saw my current GF trend towards the same issues I used to exhibit, and I saw how some of my behavior this weekend triggered that in her. It really opened my eyes to both what my ex was doing, and how I was reacting. I was able to recognize it and stop it before small issues became something that crippled an otherwise great relationship.


The argument also caused quite a bit of retrospection on my part. I'm not excusing my ex for her behavior, and I understand that we were not compatible in what we both wanted from one another. But more than ever, seeing the events unfold in reverse, so to speak, I saw how an overreaction or how my current GF being irrational was immediately both hurtful and off-putting. There is so much to be said for taking a deep breath, taking some time to be composed and be rational, no matter how hard, and react to a situation with tact and aplomb. At its worst, it might quite possibly allow you to exit a relationship with your head held high and on your own terms. At its best, it could very well salvage a relationship from destruction.


The event has, unfortunately, caused me to violate the "no looking at social media rule" in regards to my ex. I don't know why, and I'm working on figuring this out. I unblocked her Instagram account and looked through her photos. There was nothing interesting of note, and I found that seeing her image and face really didn't affect me much, to be honest. I did think about the pros and cons of breaking No Contact to repair the relationship, at least from a friendship standpoint, and doing the math, the answer is still that this isn't worth doing.


I still have pangs of sadness regarding my ex from time to time. But it's been incredibly infrequent, and no longer a daily occurrence. I'm fully in a new life and while some remnants remain from my old relationship, they are incredibly faded, and leave just as quickly as they come. They'll go away altogether eventually.


All for today. I hope everyone's well. Remember to take a deep breath, a time out, and to keep your calm during even the most intense of situations. It can very well prevent a ton of pain, including starting a thread on this forum

Link to comment
  • 3 weeks later...

Contact broken after 103 days


I would not have done this without a compelling reason. Without going into details, there was an incredibly compelling reason. I had the option to not do anything. If I hadn't, some things would have happened that would have affected her life in a really bad way professionally.


I unblocked her on WhatsApp, sent a polite text, and told her I'm happy to chat but respect her boundaries and mine if she chooses not to. She texted me back and we talked on the phone for an hour. We caught up a little, but the conversation was mostly situationally related. It was friendly, cordial. We may get back in touch or not. She texted me this morning for some additional clarification, and I did the best I could to provide it.


What I learned


This was a very big decision for me. Even a few weeks ago, I would not have had the strength to converse with my ex, in any capacity. By adhering to a strict no contact period and working on truly healing myself, I was not only strong enough to have the conversation, but mentally prepared if it would have gone bad.


I don't feel any different than I did before No Contact. I did a good thing, and that's that. I don't feel the need to call her, see her, be her hero, etc. It's something I would have done for any friend, but with much less hesitation


I still care. Obviously. But care is different than love. My boundaries are fully up, and there are zero expectations from me, or plans to get her back, etc.


You absolutely can let go. It takes time. For me, about 103 days or so, apparently. But it was so interesting to see that she did not have or hold the same spell, or same effect, at all.


Time, distance and discipline heal. If my experience doesn't prove it I don't know what does. The sh*tty part is going through it when it feels like progress is being made in inches and you want to cry, vomit, scream and love all at the same time. But it absolutely gets better.


People change with time. This is the most important thing I learned last night. My ex and I didn't end things well. I didn't know what to expect when texting her, or when she called. But she was friendly, polite, conversational, pleasant. Neither one of us pushed the discussion to the past, but talking felt natural and not pushed.


For some, this last part may give you hope that given time apart, you can use No Contact to re-kindle a relationship. It's certainly possible, I suppose. And I would advocate that it's strictly necessary to enact Strict No Contact for a period of time to let emotions die down, to examine the relationship, sift through its ashes and find everything that went wrong, and work on the things that broke it, as well as yourselves.


All of this is true.


However, the most important part is getting to a point where you know whether you want to re-engage in a relationship with an ex, or not, and you can act objectively and with your own best interest in mind, not driven by emotion.


For me, that answer is clearly still no, I do not want a relationship with my ex. And I'm 100% at peace and happy with that decision.


All for today. I hope you all give yourselves the time, distance and love you need to heal. And know there's no set end date. When you're right, you'll feel it. And it will make all the difference in the world

Link to comment


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Create New...