In the 7th circle of hell after breakup - my journey back to sanity

[mynameisneo]

So what do you do to make sure you don't contact? I followed bread crumbs for a few months trying to be a friend, stopped talking last week after drunkenly embarrassing myself ( the joys ) felt great to finally not be constantly overthinking her actions but yesterday and today I've been trying my hardest not to just message and fall back into a friend thing

 

Just the thoughts like, if I don't message her she'll just get closer to the new guy... but I guess being her friend didn't stop that, I may have answered my own question it's good to vent haha.

 

Just sucks missing someone and you have no clue how they feel at the moment.

Hang in their man you're doing great x

 

I follow the blueprint to the letter. I blocked her from literally everything - phone, text, email, WhatsApp, and every form of social media. I got rid of everything that I had of hers or with her. I avoid places where she likes to go.

 

No Contact is about you, and your healing and well-being. You need it regardless of whether you have hopes of getting back together, or you're done with the relationship, or you just don't know where you are. The post-breakup phase is way too emotional to think straight. Your rational mind is overtaken by your feelings and emotions. You end up doing things you regret, and lengthening your grief cycle by keeping your mind conditioned on your ex. You look for clues that don't exist, live off breadcrumbs, torture yourself when you see them.

 

And your relationship, as it was before, is dead. On the 3% statistical chance that it comes back, it would be a new relationship. Your mind needs time to sift through the ashes of what was, to really process why you broke up, logically. To let you see your faults, the other person's faults, incompatibilities that you overlooked, things that were missing, wrongs you didn't care about, etc.

 

You cannot do any of those things without time and distance.

 

I didn't enact No Contact right away. We took "space" and my ex told me "this wasn't goodbye" (breadcrumb). She then went on a trip overseas, which was scheduled ahead of time, but didn't contact me, and used the distractions to give herself a soft exit. I tortured myself for 3 weeks looking at her social media. A week after she returned, I wanted to talk, she did not, and we had a minor fight on WhatsApp where we said goodbye. I enacted No Contact at that precise moment.

 

I was in hell for a total of 5 weeks or so, since the initial fight, the "we need space" conversation, and the final goodbye. It was a huge mistake, and delayed my healing by probably twice that. Strict No Contact saved my existence. It's incredibly hard, but it absolutely works. Again, it is for you, for the reasons I stated above. You cannot be friends with your ex right now. You cannot and should not pine and live off breadcrumbs. And you definitely shouldn't care about what they think. You are apart. The relationship as you know it is over. It is your time to heal, reflect, get better, and decide, for yourself, what you want and who you want to be with.

 

Best of luck. I put in the work every day. It's slow going, but I absolutely get better. I'm miles away from rock bottom, 5-6 weeks after strict No Contact. I'm here with you, we all are.

[mynameisneo]

38 days of successful No Contact

 

I didn't think about my ex first thing this morning. First time, I think, since I met her. I got up, ate a good breakfast, worked out, and went on a date with an incredibly gorgeous girl with a sweet personality, who's just a bit impetuous and has a really great smile. We had instant chemistry, great conversation, and we spent about 4 hours together. At the end of the date, she gave me a nice kiss. And she's been on my mind a lot more than my ex has today.

 

I admit that during the date, I mentally compared her to my ex several times. But at some point it just stopped. I was having so much fun that I just forgot to. Or it went away. Or it didn't matter. Or whatever. It's the first date I've been on that didn't feel weird, or pushed, or awkward. She texted me in 15 minutes telling me she can't wait to see me again.

 

It was a good day. 9 weeks and some days after breaking up with someone I thought was my absolute world, I realize, fully and logically, that the pedestal was not deserved. Who knows whether this new girl will be better. It could turn out to be worse. But I'm much more guarded now. I'm asking the right questions, subtly, and sometimes not so subtly. I have boundaries I won't violate. Rules I won't break. More importantly, I see my ex for what she was - a good person who I loved, and shared experiences with, mostly good, some bad, who is no longer part of my life. Not some irreplaceable goddess.

 

We all move on. I haven't fully. But I'm working on it. And it gets easier. 5 weeks ago, a date would have been impossible. Today, it was absolutely perfect.

 

All for today. May you have and cherish your good days as well

[mynameisneo]

39 days of successful No Contact

 

Today wasn't great. Woke up sick. I had 3 glasses of wine last night - first drinks since breakup, I had been avoiding alcohol - and got hit with a sore throat. Don't know if the wine is to blame. I just can't think of anything else.

 

Texted with the girl I went out with throughout the day. Thought about my ex a bit. Is there still a spark left in me? Sadly, the answer's yes. But it has diminished, greatly.

 

Will it ever extinguish?

 

I thought about this more. I looked back at old relationships, dating back to college. Every person that's come through my life has changed me a bit, some more than others. I think it's impossible not to feel something for them. Whether it's love, hate, or another emotion, you will feel it more than you would for someone who is otherwise a stranger or who never occupied your life in an intimate fashion, physical or otherwise.

 

But you move past them, to a point where the intense pain that may have been there before is less than a small pin.

 

For me, at this point in my life, my ex is more like a moderate pinch. Hurts temporarily, but not enough to scream. Rub your arm, and it goes away after a few minutes.

 

The social media cravings are leaving me. They are nowhere near as intense, or as frequent. I'm proud to have done well with this, and to have kept away. As hard as it is, sometimes, to want to see her, see her smile, laugh, live. But that would bring me back to Day Zero. And I know that I can easily see her with another guy, and that would bring me back to rock bottom.

 

I'm not ready.

 

Sometimes I wonder whether she cares. Whether she knows of what I've been through, and what I go through. How hard it's been to keep strict No Contact for 39 freaking days and counting. And then I realize that I'm not doing it for her. I'm doing it for me. For my healing, for my sanity and salvation.

 

I'm sad. But I'm also smiling nowdays. For the first time in a long time, I literally could not smile. And now I can. And it feels so damn good.

 

All for today. May you never lose your ability to smile. I can't believe how much I missed that feeling

[cristal]

39 days of successful No Contact

 

Today wasn't great. Woke up sick. I had 3 glasses of wine last night - first drinks since breakup, I had been avoiding alcohol - and got hit with a sore throat. Don't know if the wine is to blame. I just can't think of anything else.

 

Texted with the girl I went out with throughout the day. Thought about my ex a bit. Is there still a spark left in me? Sadly, the answer's yes. But it has diminished, greatly.

 

Will it ever extinguish?

 

I thought about this more. I looked back at old relationships, dating back to college. Every person that's come through my life has changed me a bit, some more than others. I think it's impossible not to feel something for them. Whether it's love, hate, or another emotion, you will feel it more than you would for someone who is otherwise a stranger or who never occupied your life in an intimate fashion, physical or otherwise.

 

But you move past them, to a point where the intense pain that may have been there before is less than a small pin.

 

For me, at this point in my life, my ex is more like a moderate pinch. Hurts temporarily, but not enough to scream. Rub your arm, and it goes away after a few minutes.

 

The social media cravings are leaving me. They are nowhere near as intense, or as frequent. I'm proud to have done well with this, and to have kept away. As hard as it is, sometimes, to want to see her, see her smile, laugh, live. But that would bring me back to Day Zero. And I know that I can easily see her with another guy, and that would bring me back to rock bottom.

 

I'm not ready.

 

Sometimes I wonder whether she cares. Whether she knows of what I've been through, and what I go through. How hard it's been to keep strict No Contact for 39 freaking days and counting. And then I realize that I'm not doing it for her. I'm doing it for me. For my healing, for my sanity and salvation.

 

I'm sad. But I'm also smiling nowdays. For the first time in a long time, I literally could not smile. And now I can. And it feels so damn good.

 

All for today. May you never lose your ability to smile. I can't believe how much I missed that feeling

 

 

Right on Neo! I'm happy you are making advances and that you are finally learning to smile again. You are heading for that wonderful place of indifference and this is when they come crawling back.

 

Keep up the good work! You are giving me hope.

[mynameisneo]

40 days of successful No Contact

 

Something strange is happening: generally, I think of my ex every day, and at some point in time have a conversation in my head of what I'd tell her if I saw her in person. These normally go anywhere from me being charming and finding some clever way to impress her (not necessarily win her back though) to me telling her rationally why we broke up.

 

The last few days, when my ex popped into my head, the topic of conversation that came to mind was simply how I'd handle it if I saw her. How I'd be polite, smile, say "Hello , it's really nice to see you." Exchange pleasantries for a few brief moments and go on about my business.

 

The memories are also fading. A small part of me is sad. But the biggest part of me is happy. And kind of cheering. About goddamn time.

 

I'm not ready to believe I've emerged into acceptance. This has to sustain for a while. I do know that finding a really beautiful girl that's into me has helped - immensely.

 

I vacillated for a while on the value of a rebound towards recovery. Some preach the "get under someone to get over someone else". I'm not sure it works. I tried going on a date two weeks after breaking up, and I was an absolute wreck. But I absolutely find value in "getting out there" when you've had some time to grieve the relationship, after a decent period of No Contact. It definitely works wonders towards your psyche and, from personal experience, can tell you that it will help you recover, once you're mentally ready and open to meeting other people.

 

I won't be ready for an exclusive relationship for some time. It's a fine balance to walk. And I owe it to this girl to tell her that at some point, before we become too close. Especially given that this is the exact reason why my ex and I broke up (she wasn't ready for an exclusive relationship). I promise myself that I'll be good to this girl, and while I want to continue to see her, I will be up front about my intentions, and, even if it means not seeing her anymore, I will spare her the pain I went through by ending things in a civilized fashion if she wants more than I am ready to give her.

 

All for today. I'm getting better. Follow the blueprint, and keep the faith. May you get better every day

[Carus]

Hi Neo,

 

Just dropping in on you. Your recovery is going well. Good on you 👍🏾

 

I am glad though that you made that last post because: You are getting nicely comfortable in your NC world.... It's nice isn't it..? wink

 

But as someone mentioned above, you are also getting closer and closer to the day where the chances your ex is gonna drop by to see how your going are getting higher and higher.

 

You may get lucky and actually not hear from her, but that is the exception, not the norm (although I'm sry. I forget how long you were with her?).

 

So it's good for you to be considering that scenario because when it happens, despite all that lovely NC, it still has the potential to blow you out of the water!

 

This is why it's so important to strengthen your mind whilst in NC. I find Cory Wayne on YouTube helpful with this.

 

And lastly, you write very well. As a fellow writer I thank you for that.

 

Ever Forward

Carus*

[mynameisneo]

Hi Neo,

 

Just dropping in on you. Your recovery is going well. Good on you 👍🏾

 

I am glad though that you made that last post because: You are getting nicely comfortable in your NC world.... It's nice isn't it..? wink

 

But as someone mentioned above, you are also getting closer and closer to the day where the chances your ex is gonna drop by to see how your going are getting higher and higher.

 

You may get lucky and actually not hear from her, but that is the exception, not the norm (although I'm sry. I forget how long you were with her?).

 

So it's good for you to be considering that scenario because when it happens, despite all that lovely NC, it still has the potential to blow you out of the water!

 

This is why it's so important to strengthen your mind whilst in NC. I find Cory Wayne on YouTube helpful with this.

 

And lastly, you write very well. As a fellow writer I thank you for that.

 

Ever Forward

Carus*

 

Thank you Carus, that is really nice of you!! I was with my ex for ~6 months total. It was an incredibly intense relationship, hence the longer recovery time. But I'm getting there.

 

I won't hear from her. I don't know if she wants to reach out, but she has no way to contact me other than in-person contact. She is blocked from every avenue of contact available to me.

 

I almost ran into her a few days ago. I was rattled, but recovered after a day. I feel like I could do it now and not even blink. But there's a reason for that (coming in my daily update).

 

Really appreciate you. All of you. This board is part of my blueprint and part of my healing, and it has and continues to be invaluable.

[mynameisneo]

41 days of successful No Contact

 

My mind is stubbornly believing to accept I'm moving forward. I think.

 

My ex is on my mind from time to time. Mornings are a bit rough sometimes. But absolutely nowhere near as tough as several weeks ago. The social media urges are waning. Every once in a while, those demons get together for a surprise attack. I'm generally able to rationalize them away with reminders of why I shouldn't look. I very seldom feel the urge to reach out, but it dissipates just as quickly.

 

My sleep is back to normal, though it is aided by medicine. No matter. My therapist tells me that whether the medicine puts me to sleep or not is irrelevant right now. The important thing is to sleep. After weeks of absolutely awful sleep, and a 10 day period of less than 2 hours a day, I have been sleeping 10+ hours per day. My body's just been craving it. I'm letting it happen.

 

Things with the girl I met are going incredibly well. I saw her today - we could not keep our hands off one another. She's a significant upgrade to my ex in every way thus far, including looks (which, to be honest, I did not think would be possible). She's also sweet, and nice, and emotionally balanced. We talked for a long while today, and I told her where I was coming from. I was honest with her about recently being out of a relationship, and told her I'd prefer to move slow. She's OK with all of that. I didn't want the date to end. She sent me a sweet text when she got home.

 

And driving back, for the first time in almost 10 weeks, I was able to listen to music. I've been listening to audiobooks in the car, because I could not tolerate music. I turned on one of my playlists, and I didn't feel pain. Or suffering. I was just enjoying it.

 

Realizing that I had more fun with this girl than I had with my ex, like, ever, outside of the bedroom, has been such an eye-opener. I could bump into my ex in the next instant, smile, be polite, and just move on. It is phenomenal what meeting a better person will do for you psyche. It is just as important to take the time to heal, grieve, and not date before you're ready to. I'm super, super glad I didn't rebound just for the sake of rebounding. I would not have the mental strength to actually date such a great girl at this point if I didn't take the time to follow the blueprint and work on myself.

 

All for today. I hope you're being good to yourself, it is the single most important thing you can do

[cristal]

Neo, your posts are very inspiring. I am amazed at the progress that you are making and the progress seems linear.

 

There is no doubt that finding someone that you are attracted helped to accelerate your progress. And its great that you are charting it as it makes it easier for you to see the different stages that you are going through.

 

You are on your way to healing my friend.

[mynameisneo]

Neo, your posts are very inspiring. I am amazed at the progress that you are making and the progress seems linear.

 

There is no doubt that finding someone that you are attracted helped to accelerate your progress. And its great that you are charting it as it makes it easier for you to see the different stages that you are going through.

 

You are on your way to healing my friend.

 

You're very kind cristal. Thanks for your support, it truly means a lot.

 

I will tell you, however, that my progress is not linear. I can tell I'm getting better. But even as great as this girl is, I still have pangs of regret about my ex. She's not fully out of my head. The ashes from the emotion of our relationship haven't fully extinguished. Today, the urges to go look at her social media were really strong. She was on my mind more than most days. And I don't really know why, but I do know that if it my progress was linear, these things would happen less.

 

I do acknowledge that I've made a lot of progress. And there are 2 really simple reasons for that:

 

1) Discipline to follow the blueprint to the letter

2) Fear of feeling and hurting as bad as I felt and hurt when I hit rock bottom

 

I think the second drives the first. Or maybe the first lessens the second. It really doesn't matter. But I know in my heart and mind, as clear as day, that I'm sh*t terrified of feeling the way I felt at my lowest point, ever again, and that I'll do almost anything within reason, ethics and the law to never experience that kind of pain.

 

I hope you're healing as well. I know you're going through some tough times too. There's hope. I thought there was none several weeks ago, but it absolutely gets better. I'm 100% in your corner.

[mynameisneo]

42 days of successful No Contact

 

I thought about my ex more than normal today. I don't know why. I've given up trying to explain it. I just let it go nowdays and move on to something else. But she kept re-appearing in my mind and thoughts. I wanted to look at her social media profiles more than normal. I didn't. Sometimes, the curiosity kills me. Deep breaths and the 90 second time-out. Over and over.

 

Half the people in my office building told me they saw me smiling today for the first time in the last 2.5 months. It is so strange, in a sense, to be able to smile. I really haven't been able to. I tried to, by force, because smiling is a dopamine booster. Until a few days ago, I literally could not. I could not believe how incredibly impactful a breakup can be, until I had one that shattered my heart in a million little pieces.

 

The girl I went out with sends me sweet texts every day. I'm seeing her again this week. In a strange turn of events, I went out with a different girl today, who made me thankful for my relationship with my ex. There were so many signals of RTFA, bat-sh*t crazy, trains full of baggage, I don't even know where to begin. There will be no second date, obviously.

 

The lesson I took from that is that just like putting your ex on a pedestal and thinking no one is better, same goes for thinking no one could be worse. For the first time in months, I was thankful for the relationship I had with my ex, and that her personality and demeanor were nothing like the girl I went out with tonight. Hold to your standards and checklist, and keep those boundaries firm. Your horror story today could be your light reading just one worse relationship away if you're not careful.

 

All for today. May what you're grieving now be your last ever horror story

[cristal]

You're very kind cristal. Thanks for your support, it truly means a lot.

 

I will tell you, however, that my progress is not linear. I can tell I'm getting better. But even as great as this girl is, I still have pangs of regret about my ex. She's not fully out of my head. The ashes from the emotion of our relationship haven't fully extinguished. Today, the urges to go look at her social media were really strong. She was on my mind more than most days. And I don't really know why, but I do know that if it my progress was linear, these things would happen less.

 

I do acknowledge that I've made a lot of progress. And there are 2 really simple reasons for that:

 

1) Discipline to follow the blueprint to the letter

2) Fear of feeling and hurting as bad as I felt and hurt when I hit rock bottom

 

I think the second drives the first. Or maybe the first lessens the second. It really doesn't matter. But I know in my heart and mind, as clear as day, that I'm sh*t terrified of feeling the way I felt at my lowest point, ever again, and that I'll do almost anything within reason, ethics and the law to never experience that kind of pain.

 

I hope you're healing as well. I know you're going through some tough times too. There's hope. I thought there was none several weeks ago, but it absolutely gets better. I'm 100% in your corner.

 

 

Thanks Neo. And yes, I can relate to the pain. The pain where you feel that will never ever go away. Days where you feel like the walking wounded while invisible blood seems to be dripping from your heart. And the times where you do absolutely nothing but ruminate and at the same time putting them high on a pedestal. This has to be one of the worst feeling one will ever endure. But endure we did and now we are escaping from the pits of hell.

 

I am starting to conversate with a few guys from a dating app and it is starting to elevate my mood. It has been two months since my breakup and I feel much further along in my healing this week, than I did last week.

 

So even though the road will be rough at times, we are both heading down the path to freedom.

[mynameisneo]

43 days of successful No Contact

 

It feels good to be a (mostly) fully functioning human again.

 

I'm finally just as engaged at work as I was pre-breakup. I'm hanging out with friends. I'm sleeping well. I'm dating - and doing this incredibly selectively, and with boundaries. I'm eating well. I'm really starting to miss the gym - going to go back next week. I have always been in good shape, and somehow I've managed to not lose a lot of muscle, just weight (about 8 lbs).

 

I'm still not able to listen to music all the time. Audiobooks have been an awesome replacement for the work commute. I still have pangs of regret, and still miss my ex. But close to zero irrational thoughts. And missing my ex is lessening.

 

I had a great chat with one of my closest friends today. I expressed my frustration about still having thoughts about my ex, and the occasional moment of irritation that she hasn't reached out through mutual friends, since she has very few options for contacting me. He was very blunt. We rationally and logically mapped out all the reasons why the relationship was broken, why it would have never worked, then he ended with this:

 

"If she really wanted to contact you, she would absolutely do it through one of us. You have to understand that this is what you are worth to her."

 

It hurt to hear that. But retrospectively, she means the same to me. I blocked her from contact. I don't want to contact her either. So she's incredibly low on my value list as well.

 

Which means that what aches is my ego. Yeah, it's bruised. Worse things have happened - like the bananas on my counter going bad. This too shall pass.

 

I am healing. For the first time, I'm starting to see it as well as believe it. I dare say I may be entering acceptance after 10 weeks of this grief cycle washing machine. About time.

 

All for today. May you heal as quickly as possible

[Radiate21]

Congrats on having come so far, neo. This is so awesome to read!! It's amazing how disciplined you have been throughout this whole process, and I really think that's what's done the trick. I should really learn from you and stop texting him (even if he doesn't reply). Anyway, great job and keep it up. You give others hope.

[mynameisneo]

Congrats on having come so far, neo. This is so awesome to read!! It's amazing how disciplined you have been throughout this whole process, and I really think that's what's done the trick. I should really learn from you and stop texting him (even if he doesn't reply). Anyway, great job and keep it up. You give others hope.

 

My therapist said the same thing this morning. My discipline was borne out of fear, however - fear of the pain and misery of the first 4-5 weeks, and mostly fear of the "7th circle of hell" I experienced when I hit rock bottom. If it's in my power, I will never feel that way again.

 

I hope you start healing as well. Strict No Contact is absolutely where it starts. Best of luck - sending you lots of love, light and support

[Radiate21]

Thank you, neo Same to you!

 

Does it count as breaking NC if you text or call and they don't reply? Does this set you back as much as if they do?

 

I'm still sending him texts and he isn't even responding. I'm embarrassing myself but can't control myself because I'm so desperate for him to come back. Oof. I sound ridiculous.

[mynameisneo]

Thank you, neo Same to you!

 

Does it count as breaking NC if you text or call and they don't reply? Does this set you back as much as if they do?

 

I'm still sending him texts and he isn't even responding. I'm embarrassing myself but can't control myself because I'm so desperate for him to come back. Oof. I sound ridiculous.

 

Yes. You're breaking No Contact every time you text, call or initiate any kind of contact. Unfortunately in the worst way, since you're the one doing it (sorry )

 

No Contact means no initiating contact and/or responding to your ex's attempts to contact you in any way whatsoever.

 

Strict No Contact means that in addition to No Contact, you are not stalking their social media pages, deliberately being in the same place they are, their friends' social media, etc.

 

I haven't broken No Contact since I started, not once. I blocked my ex from everything so I wouldn't be tempted. I don't even know if she would try to contact me. She would actually have to go through mutual friends or call/text me from an anonymous number, which I would not pick up or respond to. I have broken Strict No Contact several times by looking at her Instagram page, but not for quite some time - weeks, I think. She had a second Instagram account that showed up on my feed because I forgot to block it, and I blocked that immediately as well.

 

If the relationship has been terminated, most "how to get over your ex" breakup guides recommend at least No Contact, and many recommend Strict No Contact (except for common living situations and divorce/kids, where Limited Contact is recommended).

 

It sucks, and it's really hard to do. But it absolutely works. I'm where I am because I obey this rule without fail. I don't always work out/walk every day, sometimes I get up later than other times, every once in a while I still have a day where I mope around the house doing nothing. I have never, not once breached No Contact, and have gotten to the point where Strict No Contact is almost just as easy.

 

Even if you have hopes of getting back together, unless the breakup was incredibly temporary, like a day, or a minor argument, to where you're both like "I'm sorry, that was stupid, let's get over it", No Contact is good. It lets you grieve, gives you space, helps your rational mind catch up with your emotions and process the whys and hows of the breakup. And it has the effect of making the other person miss you. In your situation, he is not responding to your multiple texts and you're desperate for him to come back. He's enacted No Contact and it's working.

 

The sooner you enact it, the sooner you'll start to heal. Give it a shot. I'm super sorry you're hurting. I truly hope you start healing soon.

[mynameisneo]

44 days of successful No Contact

 

Intimacy happened today with the girl I'm dating. It was spectacular. It happened after several dates. It wasn't rushed, done for the wrong reasons. We both wanted to, and it was both great and incredibly nice.

 

I'm so so glad I took the time to work through my issues instead of rebounding. I'm actually able to see a possible relationship, and before we were intimate, I talked to the girl I'm seeing, talked about where I was head-space wise, told her not to move too fast (she was), and we discussed each others' expectations.

 

This has the possible makings of a healthy relationship. But I'm not rushing it. For now, I'm enjoying the company of someone I like, and rediscovering what it's like to be myself again after 2.5 months of pain, work and recovery.

 

I had a great therapy session today, and my therapist sees dramatic improvement. I see it as well. It's really good to finally scratch the surface of acceptance.

 

I think I still have some time to go, and some room to heal. I asked my therapist "when will I get to a state where I'm as healed as possible" and she told me "when your ex no longer matters at all. When you can run into her and just smile and say hello if you see her holding hands with a husband and a baby, and other than possibly thinking 'that's a really cute baby', you feel completely indifferent otherwise, like she was just some random person".

 

I'm not there. I played the scenario in my head. It wasn't staggeringly painful, not even moderately painful, but it was a bit unnerving. So I still have work to do.

 

But all in all, I'm grateful for where I am.

 

All for today. Here comes the weekend. Hope yours is spent with fun, happiness and joy

[cristal]

Well done Neo!

 

I know some people will tell you to take a break from dating after a breakup. And nine out of ten times the last thing you want to do when you are in the pits of depression is to date. But....after say about two months or so, the opposite sex starts to look attractive again. I must add this is different for everyone and everyone heals at their own pace. I just wanted to make the point that the attraction for me tends escalate the healing process by leaps and bounds. Some people might call it a rebound...but it works. And hell, I'll do whatever it takes to unlock the gates of hell when I am in the throes of mourning. So I know that you meeting the girl is helping to speed up the process.

 

Your road to healing has been a great example and one which many people will use as benchmark. And for that, we thank you.

[Radiate21]

Yes. You're breaking No Contact every time you text, call or initiate any kind of contact. Unfortunately in the worst way, since you're the one doing it (sorry )

 

No Contact means no initiating contact and/or responding to your ex's attempts to contact you in any way whatsoever.

 

Strict No Contact means that in addition to No Contact, you are not stalking their social media pages, deliberately being in the same place they are, their friends' social media, etc.

 

I haven't broken No Contact since I started, not once. I blocked my ex from everything so I wouldn't be tempted. I don't even know if she would try to contact me. She would actually have to go through mutual friends or call/text me from an anonymous number, which I would not pick up or respond to. I have broken Strict No Contact several times by looking at her Instagram page, but not for quite some time - weeks, I think. She had a second Instagram account that showed up on my feed because I forgot to block it, and I blocked that immediately as well.

 

If the relationship has been terminated, most "how to get over your ex" breakup guides recommend at least No Contact, and many recommend Strict No Contact (except for common living situations and divorce/kids, where Limited Contact is recommended).

 

It sucks, and it's really hard to do. But it absolutely works. I'm where I am because I obey this rule without fail. I don't always work out/walk every day, sometimes I get up later than other times, every once in a while I still have a day where I mope around the house doing nothing. I have never, not once breached No Contact, and have gotten to the point where Strict No Contact is almost just as easy.

 

Even if you have hopes of getting back together, unless the breakup was incredibly temporary, like a day, or a minor argument, to where you're both like "I'm sorry, that was stupid, let's get over it", No Contact is good. It lets you grieve, gives you space, helps your rational mind catch up with your emotions and process the whys and hows of the breakup. And it has the effect of making the other person miss you. In your situation, he is not responding to your multiple texts and you're desperate for him to come back. He's enacted No Contact and it's working.

 

The sooner you enact it, the sooner you'll start to heal. Give it a shot. I'm super sorry you're hurting. I truly hope you start healing soon.

 

Thanks, neo. I needed to hear this. I hope it works as well for me as it has for you. Glad to see that you're healing so well. My best wishes to you!

[mynameisneo]

Well done Neo!

 

I know some people will tell you to take a break from dating after a breakup. And nine out of ten times the last thing you want to do when you are in the pits of depression is to date. But....after say about two months or so, the opposite sex starts to look attractive again. I must add this is different for everyone and everyone heals at their own pace. I just wanted to make the point that the attraction for me tends escalate the healing process by leaps and bounds. Some people might call it a rebound...but it works. And hell, I'll do whatever it takes to unlock the gates of hell when I am in the throes of mourning. So I know that you meeting the girl is helping to speed up the process.

 

Your road to healing has been a great example and one which many people will use as benchmark. And for that, we thank you.

 

I'm humbled by your comments cristal. But I really didn't do anything special. Just what everyone advises. I just followed the advice like a maniac starving for air, and willed myself to a better place. I still have a long way to go.

 

I went on one date immediately after the breakup at a friend's suggestion. It felt so.. weird, really the only way I can describe it. Didn't do it again until I was in a good mental place. Glad I waited.

 

Even now, I'm taking it super super slow. I've learned from my mistakes. You're right, attraction to someone else does help. But it's also somewhat mentally unsettling if you're not fully healed. It definitely is for me. Parts of me want to give more to this other human, and I'm not, on purpose.

 

A healthy relationship with another person (and I use relationship in the loosest of terms) does, however, help highlight everything that was wrong with the previous one. That has proven to be invaluable in my recovery.

[mynameisneo]

45 days of successful No Contact

 

I spent most of today with the girl I'm seeing. We had a wonderful day in every way. We talked - a lot. About lots of things, but as she exited a relationship around the time I did, we're both doing our best to not hurt one another and establish boundaries. We're not going to be exclusive until the timing feels right for both of us. We're talking about what each of us expects in terms of communication. We're doing our best to know one another before rushing into chemistry-induced bliss.

 

In the meantime, we're also having a lot of fun. It's a really good start. I hope it holds.

 

My ex has hardly been on my mind today. Really, there hasn't been time. This is the first day since our breakup that I honestly barely thought of her existence. I didn't think about No Contact, social media, any of that. It was like she never was for most of the day. It's just such an incredibly liberating feeling. I think it's the beginning of moving on. Or so I hope. Truly.

 

All for today. All I heard for the last 2.5 months is that "it gets better". Today, it finally did. May it get better for you as well

[mynameisneo]

46 days of successful No Contact

 

I must admit I looked at my ex's Instagram page today. Part of it was curiosity, part of it was me wanting to know how I would feel. I saw what I'd expect to see: pictures of her having the time of her life. Interestingly, it didn't feel nearly as bad as I thought it would. I felt some pangs of regret looking at her, but not much of anything else. After about 2 minutes or so, I blocked her again and moved on. She's living her life and I'm living mine.

 

I don't feel nearly as bad as I did a couple of weeks or so ago when her second Instagram page, the one that I hadn't blocked, popped up on my feed. When that happened, I was mentally rattled for a couple of days. I just went about my day today, running chores, watching TV. Sure, it didn't feel all that great for about 10-20 minutes after, but hey, we're not together anymore, for really good reasons, she's doing her thing, and that's all great.

 

This is quite possibly the best weekend I've had since my ex and I broke up.

 

I don't intend to look at her social media page again. I'm not even sure why I was so curious. Is this what indifference feels like? I certainly hope so.

 

All for today. I hope you had a great weekend. And I hope you're living your best life every day and moving forward

[Makeit]

Glad to read youre getting better. I am 2 days into my breakup and barely surviving. Ive been there before and I know it eventually heals but man. Im struggling.

[cristal]

46 days of successful No Contact

 

I must admit I looked at my ex's Instagram page today. Part of it was curiosity, part of it was me wanting to know how I would feel. I saw what I'd expect to see: pictures of her having the time of her life. Interestingly, it didn't feel nearly as bad as I thought it would. I felt some pangs of regret looking at her, but not much of anything else. After about 2 minutes or so, I blocked her again and moved on. She's living her life and I'm living mine.

 

I don't feel nearly as bad as I did a couple of weeks or so ago when her second Instagram page, the one that I hadn't blocked, popped up on my feed. When that happened, I was mentally rattled for a couple of days. I just went about my day today, running chores, watching TV. Sure, it didn't feel all that great for about 10-20 minutes after, but hey, we're not together anymore, for really good reasons, she's doing her thing, and that's all great.

 

This is quite possibly the best weekend I've had since my ex and I broke up.

 

I don't intend to look at her social media page again. I'm not even sure why I was so curious. Is this what indifference feels like? I certainly hope so.

 

All for today. I hope you had a great weekend. And I hope you're living your best life every day and moving forward

 

 

It's okay that you've checked her Instagram. Sometimes it helps for you do a test to see if they still have the same effect on you. It really shows how much progress you've made when you realize that looking at their social media doesn't paralyze you the way it did in the past. The fact that you are so far along with your healing, you are able to dust yourself off and keep trucking without being paralyzed by grief.

 

This is a testimony to following NC to the letter.