Frenchie12

Neo, just a comment from the (relatively passive) peanut gallery...I have so enjoyed your posts. You offer up some great insights, and your experience is sadly relatable for me. Thanks for contributing. It helps.

Weekends are the absolute worst.

Is this what the messy aftermath of codependency feels like?

You're actually not a "fine person", and I don't think I really can forgive you, or love you always - despite what I said when I finally asked you to leave and you so readily went. You played me so hard. Shame on me for, first, overlooking the obvious signs because it was truly inconceivable to me that you were capable of such treachery and, later, allowing you to continue to play me for months while you nailed down your next "sure thing." Your shiny new toy, the old, corrupt predatory priest, who even today I noticed you are cheating on by shopping yourself around on the hookup apps for random sex with other guys. In a way, it's perfect for you. You are a closet case, he is a closet case. You are both ashamed to show people who you really are, and terrified of the truth being revealed to your colleagues, families and friends. He operates in another city, at a safe distance for both of you. He can continue his predatory behavior with altar boys and street kids needing his "guidance". You are free when here to roam unfettered the electronic back alleys of the internet, all to satisfy your apparently insatiable need for external validation in the form of random sexual gratification and baubles from other emotionally stunted men. You will no doubt break his heart just like you broke mine, and continue the cycle until you yourself are old. It's just the kind of person you are. Typing this out is hard, because as I do it makes me realize how truly bizarre and toxic this whole relationship really was. Please be gone from my waking thoughts, I deserve so much better. And thanks, ENA, for giving me a place to put this other than in my outbox!

I miss the continuous little electronic pings we would make back and forth with each other during every single day, even when one of us was on the other side of the world. I miss going to sleep at night spooning you until we both got sweaty from each other's body heat and rolled over. I miss your PDAs, even though they made me a little uncomfortable sometimes. I miss the hiking, the biking, the skiing, and all the other outdoor things we did together at home and on every trip together. I miss you pushing me physically further than I would have gone on my own. I miss your amazing dancing skills, and that even though I was a complete clod on the dance floor you would always encourage me to join you and welcome me there, with no judgement. I miss your dedication to excellence in the work you did, and your ability to get things that I would have dithered over done decisively and efficiently. The next one of these I send will be the things I don't miss so much, and I hope I can begin to focus a little more on those and a little less on these as I process what has happened and gradually chip away at the imaginary pedestal I have erected for you.