Heartbroken.. Seeking advice to help me move on?

[Schockobaerin]

I saw him for coffee and we talked for about 45 minutes. I kept my composure. We laughed a bit and talked about work, family, our weekends, plans, etc. We talked about the good times and then talked about what went wrong. He said I was right about my analysis for the most part and he didn't disagree with me. He said he knew he was stubborn and behaved impulsively, but he felt it was right and didn't regret it. I said I didn't think our story was over, but that it takes two to want to fix things. We said things about how we didn't know what the future held for us. He says he has been trying not to think about things and that he is really getting busy with work. That he is upping his travel (he stopped traveling as much because of our relationship). He said that he had seen instagram memes and wanted to send them to me and I said that I missed my morning hello. He said his mom was sad that we were over and he asked how my parents took our breakup. He said he didn't want me to cry and I said that I wouldn't, that I was fine. He asked to hug several times. They were big long goodbye hugs. He asked to walk me to my car. I told him that I wanted him to be happy and he said that he wanted the same for me and that he was glad that I was. He said maybe we would see or talk to each other again someday. That was the end.

At least you got some closure, it was more or same with my exbf, we talked 3 hours and accorded to talk in a couple of months, he wants to be my friend, I want something more, its pretty sad, and like you I have told him, I didnt think it was over, but that I couldnt do anything more because he doesnt valuate me. It can happen that in a couple of months they(your ex and mine) come back to try again, I dont want to count on it, but it is a possibility, anyway we must get over them, because as much as we love them, if they dont love us back, we cannot force them to do it. Im sorry for you and grieve and hopefully its going to get better. Congratulations on your behaviour it was the correct

[Helpmesavethis]

Too late...

 

Oh no..... But it's ok... I think I'm in a better position than you because I haven't heard from mine.... I just went and deleted the message I sent him the other day and while I've already unfriended him... I'm considering blocking him.... I've been up and down all night thinking about him and it's driving me nuts... As hard as it is... Maybe you need to do the same until you heal some...

 

What did he/you say?

[Helpmesavethis]

I saw him for coffee and we talked for about 45 minutes. I kept my composure. We laughed a bit and talked about work, family, our weekends, plans, etc. We talked about the good times and then talked about what went wrong. He said I was right about my analysis for the most part and he didn't disagree with me. He said he knew he was stubborn and behaved impulsively, but he felt it was right and didn't regret it. I said I didn't think our story was over, but that it takes two to want to fix things. We said things about how we didn't know what the future held for us. He says he has been trying not to think about things and that he is really getting busy with work. That he is upping his travel (he stopped traveling as much because of our relationship). He said that he had seen instagram memes and wanted to send them to me and I said that I missed my morning hello. He said his mom was sad that we were over and he asked how my parents took our breakup. He said he didn't want me to cry and I said that I wouldn't, that I was fine. He asked to hug several times. They were big long goodbye hugs. He asked to walk me to my car. I told him that I wanted him to be happy and he said that he wanted the same for me and that he was glad that I was. He said maybe we would see or talk to each other again someday. That was the end.

 

Proud of you. It takes a lot of courage to stay strong face to face. Maybe this was the closure you need to begin healing. I would go NC because it's proving to help me tremendously compared to those who are sporadically in contact with their ex's... You can and will get thru it. It'll just take some time.

[Helpmesavethis]

Why do I do well over the weekends or when I'm not at work but when I come to work I want to break down??? I refuse to let myself but I keep feeling it coming on...... Rrrrggg.. it's really making me mad at this point. Ha

[Woah93]

Well I just got a message back from her, telling me she wanted to say so many things to me but that it was way too painful to do so, she is doing better in ways but still processing and she needs to grow, she mentioned how terribly wrong things have went and that she's sorry for breaking my heart, that she wishes me nothing but happiness. I responded that the door is still open for reconciliation, that I still strongly disagreed with the decision to end things, and that if she changes her mind and I'm still single I would be open to trying again, but made it very clear I was not waiting for her. Agreed with her that we needed to grow, and that was the last thing I sent her, this was this morning.

 

Not sure how I feel. Honestly I have a lot of fear even looking when I see a notification that I received a message from her, so I mute the conversation and avoid it. It's funny that we both do this but for different reasons. All I can handle is 1 message a week at most to avoid it slowing down my recovery I think so I am going to be selfish in that regard and take my time if she does respond at all. I guess I'm afraid of yet another rejection or cold reply, or getting an answer that I don't like hearing, which feels like a stab in the chest every time, but no matter how hard I try to fool myself, underneath the anger and bitterness I still love her and care for her and miss her...

[Mandala]

Well I just got a message back from her, telling me she wanted to say so many things to me but that it was way too painful to do so, she is doing better in ways but still processing and she needs to grow, she mentioned how terribly wrong things have went and that she's sorry for breaking my heart, that she wishes me nothing but happiness. I responded that the door is still open for reconciliation, that I still strongly disagreed with the decision to end things, and that if she changes her mind and I'm still single I would be open to trying again, but made it very clear I was not waiting for her. Agreed with her that we needed to grow, and that was the last thing I sent her, this was this morning.

 

Not sure how I feel. Honestly I have a lot of fear even looking when I see a notification that I received a message from her, so I mute the conversation and avoid it. It's funny that we both do this but for different reasons. All I can handle is 1 message a week at most to avoid it slowing down my recovery I think so I am going to be selfish in that regard and take my time if she does respond at all. I guess I'm afraid of yet another rejection or cold reply, or getting an answer that I don't like hearing, which feels like a stab in the chest every time, but no matter how hard I try to fool myself, underneath the anger and bitterness I still love her and care for her and miss her...

 

Of course you do or you wouldn't have to even think about all this! I'd say take it easy. Be cool. She responded, that's a good sign. Trust me, if a woman is over someone, right after the break up she is not particularly sensible about the other person. That takes time. she needs to sort out her emotions too. Be kind, but short.

Let her be and keep working on yourself.

 

PS About the notifications... it's a heart attack every time! I think everybody can relate to that VERY well.

[Helpmesavethis]

Well I just got a message back from her, telling me she wanted to say so many things to me but that it was way too painful to do so, she is doing better in ways but still processing and she needs to grow, she mentioned how terribly wrong things have went and that she's sorry for breaking my heart, that she wishes me nothing but happiness. I responded that the door is still open for reconciliation, that I still strongly disagreed with the decision to end things, and that if she changes her mind and I'm still single I would be open to trying again, but made it very clear I was not waiting for her. Agreed with her that we needed to grow, and that was the last thing I sent her, this was this morning.

 

Not sure how I feel. Honestly I have a lot of fear even looking when I see a notification that I received a message from her, so I mute the conversation and avoid it. It's funny that we both do this but for different reasons. All I can handle is 1 message a week at most to avoid it slowing down my recovery I think so I am going to be selfish in that regard and take my time if she does respond at all. I guess I'm afraid of yet another rejection or cold reply, or getting an answer that I don't like hearing, which feels like a stab in the chest every time, but no matter how hard I try to fool myself, underneath the anger and bitterness I still love her and care for her and miss her...

 

Awe... As much as I want to hear from him... I don't want to hear from him unless it's to work things out. That's what I plan to tell him if he ever does reply to me. Because that was basically what I sent to him. I told him that I hoped the issue between us was just his fears and I wanted to be there for him and work things out together.. no reply.. for 3 days so far... But it's helping me. I could not go back and forth like some are. It hurts, I'm about to break down right now but I'm not letting myself. So as much as it does hurt, if she's not ready to reconcile, I'd go back to strict NC.. unfortunately it's showing me it's what it takes. You got to say your peace with her so hopefully you've gotten a little bit of closure and can feel better about the split instead of as bad for the way things ended. Shew... This just sucks. No other words for it.. sorry.

[Woah93]

Yeah, it sucks so bad. We were friends before we got together for a long time too and I miss that so much as well, just sharing interesting stuff with her and talking about life and thoughts, and the temptation is to go back to that but I know that that will just be pure agony at this point, things did end badly and I was way too emotional weeks ago, now the message I sent felt like it was truly what I meant to say and I do have a sense of peace that comes with that, at least I have the comfort that at this point there is nothing I can do anymore, it's truly all up to her what happens from here on. I have no idea what her response to this message will be, I replied a day after and she wasn't online, I haven't even looked yet and I muted it after. In a way this is good, we went back and forth as well but at the end there was nothing left but fear and blame.

[Helpmesavethis]

Yeah, it sucks so bad. We were friends before we got together for a long time too and I miss that so much as well, just sharing interesting stuff with her and talking about life and thoughts, and the temptation is to go back to that but I know that that will just be pure agony at this point, things did end badly and I was way too emotional weeks ago, now the message I sent felt like it was truly what I meant to say and I do have a sense of peace that comes with that, at least I have the comfort that at this point there is nothing I can do anymore, it's truly all up to her what happens from here on. I have no idea what her response to this message will be, I replied a day after and she wasn't online, I haven't even looked yet and I muted it after. In a way this is good, we went back and forth as well but at the end there was nothing left but fear and blame.

 

I don't think being friends again is out of the question, just not right now. Give yourselves time to heal from the pain of the breakup. And I can't imagine getting those notifications etc. Again, I'm glad I'm still NC from him. The only reason I want to hear from him is if we're going to work it out. Otherwise it would make it too hard on me. Once you all set your mind to this, it gets better. I promise. It still hurts like hell but even just the little bit of easement from the pain helps.

[Woah93]

Of course you do or you wouldn't have to even think about all this! I'd say take it easy. Be cool. She responded, that's a good sign. Trust me, if a woman is over someone, right after the break up she is not particularly sensible about the other person. That takes time. she needs to sort out her emotions too. Be kind, but short.

Let her be and keep working on yourself.

 

PS About the notifications... it's a heart attack every time! I think everybody can relate to that VERY well.

 

That's the most frustrating part, with her it's like I have no doubt in her interest level in me when I am myself and am able to just talk to her and when we spend time together it's all there, constant touching, approaching, it's basically like we're a couple, however that is her heart talking, mentally she is done because of the fights during the last month or so, she came into my life when I was pretty deep in depression and I did give her reasons to think it's best if we are not together, she thinks it's still better to just move on. So I get all the good signs, then when she has time to think about it after and becomes confused, can't eat, sleep, drinks a lot, she will say "I'm sorry but I really think it's best to let you go, we will only hurt each-other more"

 

I've been reflecting back on the relationship a lot and when things were actually really good, somehow I felt terrified, and started looking for reasons to pick fights, becoming very needy and insecure, broke up with her and took her back one time too cause I was so on the fence. It's really really bitter to feel like we could've had it all, but the timing was just bad. Meh.

[Mandala]

Did you tell her these things? Does she know why you were behaving in that way? Admitting your limits and faults is a sign of maturity. I think it's important for her to know all that.

[Woah93]

Did you tell her these things? Does she know why you were behaving in that way? Admitting your limits and faults is a sign of maturity. I think it's important for her to know all that.

 

She knows, I knew, but knowing your mistakes is not the same as fixing them, I told her I'd change before but fell back into the pattern. I have a lot to think about and where this comes from, I had a rough childhood and grew up in a warzone and always had problems with some sort of internal hostility toward those who show me love, sort of a "there must be an ulterior motive" feeling, and I thought I had it under control with her, but I didn't. The emotions at that point were too overwhelming for me to consider her point of view or think clearly, people who are hurting generally are not very emphatic. My therapist says that this is more about how helpless and abandoned I felt as a child than her. The thing that stings though is that when things are at their darkest she won't stick by me, and that's something I don't think I'll be able to forget, even when she does come back when I am doing better, I feel like what we had was worth the trouble, and I did and am making a lot of effort to improve upon myself.

[Helpmesavethis]

**sigh**.... I made it through the work day without breaking down... I wanted to a few times but I held tough... I know I'll get there. I just wish he'd leave my mind..... Ugh. How's everyone else feeling??

[Woah93]

**sigh**.... I made it through the work day without breaking down... I wanted to a few times but I held tough... I know I'll get there. I just wish he'd leave my mind..... Ugh. How's everyone else feeling??

 

I'm sorry to hear your struggling It's ups and downs constantly, just hold on...

I'm on an up today, though receiving a message from her today did cause a lot of anxiety and it's still in the back of my mind that there may be a reply there, but I can't bring myself to look, other then that been reading a lot, distracting myself by learning new things... it has helped the most.

[Frenchie12]

**sigh**.... I made it through the work day without breaking down... I wanted to a few times but I held tough... I know I'll get there. I just wish he'd leave my mind..... Ugh. How's everyone else feeling??[/QUOT

 

Kind of crappy today, just unable to banish these useless thoughts. "I want him back", "I miss him", "Where is he right now and what is he doing?", etc. etc. It's just a continuous loop of counterproductive thinking that keeps me stalled. I am, however, resisting the urge to reach out and/or internet stalk him. But that doesn't seem to make me hurt any less.

[Helpmesavethis]

**sigh**.... I made it through the work day without breaking down... I wanted to a few times but I held tough... I know I'll get there. I just wish he'd leave my mind..... Ugh. How's everyone else feeling??[/QUOT

 

Kind of crappy today, just unable to banish these useless thoughts. "I want him back", "I miss him", "Where is he right now and what is he doing?", etc. etc. It's just a continuous loop of counterproductive thinking that keeps me stalled. I am, however, resisting the urge to reach out and/or internet stalk him. But that doesn't seem to make me hurt any less.

 

Same thoughts going on here. I don't feel the need to reach out to him since he hasn't responded to my message from this weekend but I was going to his social media pages frequently and made myself stop. There's nothing for me to see anyway because I have unfriended him from everything so I don't know what I'm looking for.. Haha.. baby steps...

[Helpmesavethis]

I have a protential problem.. ugh... We show horses. We went riding a few weeks ago and I'm afraid my daughter left her helmet in his horse trailer. I can't find it anywhere and I have searched high and low.... That's the last place she rode... So now what?!?! Ugh....... I do NOT want to contact him... Rrrrrgggggg. And the helmet is $150 so I guess I can eat it and buy a new one but...

[Mandala]

I have a protential problem.. ugh... We show horses. We went riding a few weeks ago and I'm afraid my daughter left her helmet in his horse trailer. I can't find it anywhere and I have searched high and low.... That's the last place she rode... So now what?!?! Ugh....... I do NOT want to contact him... Rrrrrgggggg. And the helmet is $150 so I guess I can eat it and buy a new one but...

 

No, send him a message and ask him if he's got the helmet. Tell him you don't want to have a conversation, but you don't want to spend $150 either. And tell him you just need a "Yes or No" answer. Whatever he thinks it's his problem.

[Woah93]

Just had a short convo with her was still very vague, she said she isn't okay at all, has been drinking a lot to numb herself and she is conflicted about everything, as I was too, but no direct response to working things out or not. I said I felt space is the best thing right now, but that I just don't agree with the permanence of the goodbyes we made 3 weeks ago and us splitting up and she replied "I know what you mean" and that was that... after that I said "I gotta go, but it was good talking to you again, I hope you have a good night."

 

Not sure how I feel, or what to make of it, if I'm being strung along, if she's throwing breadcrumbs, if it's genuine and she really is so conflicted she can't give a straight yes or straight no, I'm not sure of anything. I do know that for some reason, I feel a little bit better, but at the same time, it's that little hope that destroys you.

[Mandala]

Just had a short convo with her was still very vague, she said she isn't okay at all, has been drinking a lot to numb herself and she is conflicted about everything, as I was too, but no direct response to working things out or not. I said I felt space is the best thing right now, but that I just don't agree with the permanence of the goodbyes we made 3 weeks ago and us splitting up and she replied "I know what you mean" and that was that... after that I said "I gotta go, but it was good talking to you again, I hope you have a good night."

 

Not sure how I feel, or what to make of it, if I'm being strung along, if she's throwing breadcrumbs, if it's genuine and she really is so conflicted she can't give a straight yes or straight no, I'm not sure of anything. I do know that for some reason, I feel a little bit better, but at the same time, it's that little hope that destroys you.

 

Yeeep, I know how you feel. Frankly it does look like she might be changing her mind, but I'd still suggest to keep your cool. You are handling it right in my opinion, but it looks like on top of her confusion she might have a drinking problem. This is a bit off topic, but watch out for that too. It can easily become a problem you don't want to deal with.

 

Anyway, it's not easy to recognize breadcrumbs from intentions of reconciliation. I'm going through the same. So keep your cool, stop telling her what your expectations are (she knows!), keep the conversations kind and short and always be the first one ending it.

[Woah93]

Yeah, she never used to have this drinking problem but since our rough patch she has been using it to numb herself from it, it's very unhealthy and I'm a little worried for her. It helps knowing that we are going through this together. Honestly this thread has been a huge help with all the people here, it can feel like your all alone when you are going through a break-up, seeing others right there with me is a huge deal

[Helpmesavethis]

No, send him a message and ask him if he's got the helmet. Tell him you don't want to have a conversation, but you don't want to spend $150 either. And tell him you just need a "Yes or No" answer. Whatever he thinks it's his problem.

 

I'm going to wait until I'm stronger. I'm doing way too good to go backwards now. She has another one she can wear until then. That one's just her "show" helmet and I would like it back. They're obviously not cheap. Ugh. She also could have easily left it on a bench or something at the park we were riding at that day so I'm going to contact them first too to see if anyone turned it in.

[Helpmesavethis]

I'm going to wait until I'm stronger. I'm doing way too good to go backwards now. She has another one she can wear until then. That one's just her "show" helmet and I would like it back. They're obviously not cheap. Ugh. She also could have easily left it on a bench or something at the park we were riding at that day so I'm going to contact them first too to see if anyone turned it in.

 

Change of plans.... My mom found her helmet!!!!! Yay!!!! It was buried in a closet in our horse trailer. I guess I didn't dig deep enough for it. Shew. Bullet dodged. Hahaha.

[Mandala]

Yeah, she never used to have this drinking problem but since our rough patch she has been using it to numb herself from it, it's very unhealthy and I'm a little worried for her. It helps knowing that we are going through this together. Honestly this thread has been a huge help with all the people here, it can feel like your all alone when you are going through a break-up, seeing others right there with me is a huge deal

 

It is a huge deal for me too. It's the bigger help I've got so far really. I come here and I know you are all honestly trying to give the best suggestions you've got, because you know exactly how it feels to go through this pain.

 

I understand how you can be worried about it. Using a substance to numb the pain is how addictions start. It could be a cry for help from her or a way to try to get your attention...

[Mandala]

Change of plans.... My mom found her helmet!!!!! Yay!!!! It was buried in a closet in our horse trailer. I guess I didn't dig deep enough for it. Shew. Bullet dodged. Hahaha.

 

Good!!!