Heartbroken.. Seeking advice to help me move on?

[hs782356]

Dear, you are detoxing, is normal how are you feeling, its ok to feel like this and come here to vent out your emotions, but Im going to tell you something that has helped me to avoid calling him.

You have two ways:

1) Contact him, stalk him, call him a lot of times: There you are going to "get your fix" and sometimes he is going to answer and mostly not, you know why? Because if you do this you reek of "desperation, clinginess and neediness" and that is going to reassure him that it was a good decision to get away from you, because now you are showing your true colors, as simple as that. He is going to come to despise you and in the worst case scenario he is going to resort to blocking you and that my dear is going to be worst, you are not only going to lose your dignity but all chances to get back together with him. Another case: He comes back to you, but is still not sure, then sooner rather than later he is going to take you from granted and ditch you again(that happened to me), you know why? Because he knows you are always to be there, and he is going to feel overwhelmed by your attemps, if he wants you back but is still unsure, GIVE HIM TIME to reconquest you.. That was my biggest mistake, and here are am again heartbroken. This way also prevents you of healing and empowering yourself.

 

2) NC, be cool: This way you are not only going to heal, but if you have any chance of getting back with him, you are going to give him space and time to miss you and really appreciate what is losing without you. The majority of this sudden breakups (mine included) is fear and pressure, give him time. But the most important, give yourself time to think about it, to heal, to love him less, to love yourself more, to grow. If he doesnt come back, hell, then why the hell do you want someone who doesnt love you or doesnt want to fight for you (Im still struggling to accept this fact). In your special case, you must remember that your ex is in the caribbean and his head is somewhere there, the least he needs now is a crazy needy exgf. This way is the most difficult, from my experience I can attest to it, but is the only and the best option if you want to heal, because my dear you must think on yourself.

 

What do you think about all this? This is going to get better, just try to distract yourself, watch movies, pray, try to meditate, cry a lot, talk alone(as you were with him), write... Its like a detoxing and you are having withdrawals, Im still having them after 4 weeks of the breakup, LC and since last weekend strict NC, it hurts like hell, and everytime my phone rings, I have the hope, its him, but I know that doesnt make any sense, because we both agreed to go NC for my healing and from his healing as well. Dont make the mistake of being too avaliable (I didnt want to listen and here am I in this painful situation). I promise you everything is going to be fine..

 

I tried to tell myself this and I agree 100%, I feel if he really loved me he will be back and if he doesn't I shouldn't worry about it. It feels fine and everything but I also feel what if he doesn't come back to me, where will I go.. I might be too available and clingy. I refrain from telling him or begging him to reconsider but it stings to know he does not love me. Like one day, I don't love you anymore I can't love you in future too. I mean how come a person can change this much?? How?? and he is like I am okay if we have a sexual relationship. I don't understand what should I do should I talk to him so that he realize on his own that our problem was miscommunication / misunderstanding or let him realize this on his own by going NC. I understand he has to realize this himself. and I am so addicted to him that I just want him back by anyway even if I tell my heart he will be back himself if he really loved me and I try to be okay about it but somehow I start feeling helpless and I feel sad and I just want to talk to him.

[Mandala]

I feel the exact same thing. Everyday.. I have tried NC but then I fall back to the panic of losing him. I just want to give him everything and want to scream that I love him very much and just please love back. I don't know how will I go past this. I feel so weak and I guess I need a lot of support.

 

Yes you do, we all do. Psychology says heartbreak can be more painful than mourning a death, because the other person has actually made a conscious decision to leave you behind.

Accepting the situation it will take time, but you can accept your pain, don't push it away.

I'm usually the person people go to when they have a problem and now I'm finding myself dried out with very little strength to be able to lift others up. But I have to accept that too and for once letting myself be weak and getting support.

This is where I'm finding it. I'm amazed by the compassion I have found in these people right here. It feels like Family. A soul Family.

Keep coming back. We are all on the same boat. Stay strong... or weak. We will be OK.

Much Love to you. ❤️

[hs782356]

I feel like a fool for trusting and believing in him and then for him to do a complete turnaround on me. I know I'm a good person. I was great to him. He was great to me. I wish I could hate him. That would help me get over it but I don't. I keep thinking about how great he was and everything he did right. Literally until the last day... Ugh......

 

I too find him great and amazing to this day but he is really disrespectful to my feelings. I too feel like a fool in trusting and believing in him. I was great to him too much better than he is with me right now. I can not hate him though. I just can not.

[hs782356]

And talking about crazy ladies: Here am I at midnight, crying because I miss so much, and asking myself why doesnt he love me? Why does he prefer his ex? Why Im still loving him, wanting him? I feel like a looser and sometimes Im soo weak that Im tempted to call him and propose to be his friends with benefits.. I know I cannot do that, but this feeling is so awful. I have to read myself again to reassure myself this is the RIGHT PATH, but how it hurts I hope tomorrow is going to get better and better, because this is too hard. You are right, is an addiction. Look mine is a dane, and when I see something danish, I begin to cry, is horrible, but I like you are going to survive this.. P.s. another love junkie

 

You have no idea, I have actually considered being in fwb relationship with him I even tried it too.. it hurts badly when you love the person and he just wants to feel you sexually. and all you have is love even after his awful behaviour. I love him with all my heart but I do not feel great going in a relationship where I feel the fear of losing him more and more. He is there when he needs me but might not be there when I need him. It is very hard to survive like this and I constantly feel I will get better he will be back too but I just get weak and contact him. I do not want to do that.. nobody should do that. we all just need support. that will help.

[hs782356]

Yes you do, we all do. Psychology says heartbreak can be more painful than mourning a death, because the other person has actually made a conscious decision to leave you behind.

Accepting the situation it will take time, but you can accept your pain, don't push it away.

I'm usually the person people go to when they have a problem and now I'm finding myself dried out with very little strength to be able to lift others up. But I have to accept that too and for once letting myself be weak and getting support.

This is where I'm finding it. I'm amazed by the compassion I have found in these people right here. It feels like Family. A soul Family.

Keep coming back. We are all on the same boat. Stay strong... or weak. We will be OK.

Much Love to you. ❤️

 

Yes I guess, do you think it is stupid of me to think he might someday loves me back again and everything will get better?

[Mandala]

I too find him great and amazing to this day but he is really disrespectful to my feelings. I too feel like a fool in trusting and believing in him. I was great to him too much better than he is with me right now. I can not hate him though. I just can not.

 

My feelings exactly.

[hs782356]

My feelings exactly.

 

What are you doing to help yourself.?

[Mandala]

Yes I guess, do you think it is stupid of me to think he might someday loves me back again and everything will get better?

 

No, it's not stupid. Trust me, that's what we are ALL hoping here.

But -since I'm having a moment of clarity in between withdrawals- I can tell you that the best thing you can do is the most counterintuitive: NO CONTACT.

 

I don't know your story, but that's usually the way to go. Let me know a bit more...

[hs782356]

No, it's not stupid. Trust me, that's what we are ALL hoping here.

But -since I'm having a moment of clarity in between withdrawals- I can tell you that the best thing you can do is the most counterintuitive: NO CONTACT.

 

I don't know your story, but that's usually the way to go. Let me know a bit more...

 

I have tried the no contact thing. I felt fine I have these moments of clarity and I feel strong too. I have moments where I am like genuinely feeling things are getting better but then I fall back to the panic that he is not going to be around forever. I will lose him he will not talk to me want me. I just lose everything and I just want to talk to him. Though I don't tell him to love me but I say I love you over and over again. He wants to have a sexual relationship but I do not feel good about it. And he talks rudely to me. But I just hope that he loved me once he can do it again if he really truely loved me. and things will get better. I don't know if I am right or if its even possible but yeah I can not make him love me or make him work on our problems but I just want a hope to live and I give that to myself. I feel if I will not contact him, he will come back to me or should I just talk to him so that when we talk really talk he realizes that we had no problems as such we only didnt communicate. It hurts me so much since he is the only person I ever loved and I am so affected by this break up I feel so drained and emotionally broken I just want some rest from it and I feel it will come when I either forget all this or he just come back to me. But you know it takes time I am just too broken and sad so I switch to self-destruction. I just don't know what to do.

[mynameisneo]

This is a heartbreaking thread. I'm so sorry for your pain - everyone of you. We're all suffering. We'll get through it together.

 

I won't preach, but rather share some thoughts and methods that have helped/are helping me cope, get better and move forward. My situation: I am 8 weeks removed from a very intense, intimate relationship, where I wanted something substantial and long term and she did not. I am going on 25 days of No Contact.

 

When my ex and I initially fought, then agreed to time and space apart a week later, she used the time to distance herself, while I pined, hoped, waited in the hopes that we would somehow reconcile. It was an absolutely unbearable 3 weeks. When I reached out to her afterwards, she initially didn't respond. When I forced the issue and we spoke, it was clear that she was moving on. Like everyone, I went through the entire range of emotions, and still going through some. I wanted reasons, explanations. I argued in my head. I thought about what it would take to get her back. I overlooked what was broken in the relationship, her faults, our incompatibilities, etc. I grieved, cried a little (wish I could cry more, because it felt really good, I'm just not able to), I was angry, sad, depressed, lonely, lost interest in everything, sleep deprived (even recently). The whole bit.

 

Throughout all this, the one thing that has been my salvation, for the past 25 days, is No Contact. At all. She's blocked from everything she could possibly be blocked from. I admit to unblocking her a couple of times on social media. But I haven't done it in a while, and don't intend to.

 

I made mistakes in the recovery process. The biggest one being not going full, strict NC as soon as she said "I need time and space." It set my recovery back not the 3 weeks I lost, but probably a couple of months, if not more. As clear-headed as I am now about the situation, I still hurt, and will for some time. It's for one reason, and one reason only:

 

I wasn't selfish enough to realize that the most important thing is taking care of my sanity, myself, and my own well-being.

 

A recurring theme throughout this thread is "Doesn't he care? How could he/she not? etc." The truth is, we realistically don't know how the other person feels. And what good does it do to find out? If they feel awesome, we feel bad because they're doing great and we're not. If they feel bad, we feel bad for them because we still have attachment. In the end, it honestly doesn't matter. They're gone. If we continue to care it's just another thing we ruminate over and feel miserable about.

 

You absolutely have to give yourself time to move on. Whatever the old version of the relationship was, you have to realize that version is dead. In the unlikely (and I say this not to be mean-spirited, but because statistics support it) chance that happy, successful and sustained reconciliation happens, that is a new relationship. And in order for the new relationship to be happy, successful and sustained, you have to logically and without the cloud of emotion sift through the ashes of the old relationship and fully make sense of what went wrong. And that can only happen when your head is clear, and not clouded by emotion. And for that, No Contact is absolutely critical.

 

It's a dead horse worth beating, probably the only one. Cut all ties, immediately. You owe it to yourself. The more you pine, wonder, guess, the more you suffer. Get your dignity back. Hold your head up high, tell yourself that every second that goes by is a second you get better, and start moving on. Ever so slowly, then a little faster.

 

Do your grief work. Find distractions - any are good, believe me, even the smallest ones. Take care of and be good to yourself. Exercise daily. I was in the peak shape of my life 8 weeks ago. I have no motivation to do much, but I make myself walk for an hour a day, and it helps, tremendously. Rely on your friends and this forum - I'm still surprised at how much this is helping me cope. Journal. Eat well, take your vitamins and stay hydrated. If you absolutely need to, seek professional help - there's nothing wrong with that. I'm taking meds, and they've been tremendous in helping me recover.

 

There are a lot of resources out there to help with the agony of heartbreak after a breakup. I've gone through so many. This is one that has really helped me. I read these affirmations every day, several times a day. I modified them very slightly to fit my scenario (changing he to she, etc.). Humbly suggest them to you as well, and please pay particular attention to #5.

 

 

 

And - know that it gets better. While I didn't contact my ex, I enacted No Contact in stages. She was blocked from social media initially, but I left phone, text and WhatsApp open for a while. I found that I was healing, but would still wait and hope that she would contact. A week ago, finally, I blocked phone, text and WhatsApp as well. I felt an immediate sense of loss, but more importantly, also relief. I was no longer dependent, hoping, begging in the back of my mind that she would call or text. She could have tried 1000 times for all I know. But giving myself the permission and ability to say "I don't care if she does or doesn't, and it doesn't really matter" was so incredibly empowering.

 

Best of luck, honestly. Lots of hugs and love. This absolutely sucks. No way to sugar coat it. Yesterday was a tough day for me, and today I'm feeling a bit melancholic as well. But I believe in the healing blue print, and I know I'm moving forward, because compared to how I felt a few weeks ago, this is heaven on earth.

[hs782356]

This is a heartbreaking thread. I'm so sorry for your pain - everyone of you. We're all suffering. We'll get through it together.

 

I won't preach, but rather share some thoughts and methods that have helped/are helping me cope, get better and move forward. My situation: I am 8 weeks removed from a very intense, intimate relationship, where I wanted something substantial and long term and she did not. I am going on 25 days of No Contact.

 

When my ex and I initially fought, then agreed to time and space apart a week later, she used the time to distance herself, while I pined, hoped, waited in the hopes that we would somehow reconcile. It was an absolutely unbearable 3 weeks. When I reached out to her afterwards, she initially didn't respond. When I forced the issue and we spoke, it was clear that she was moving on. Like everyone, I went through the entire range of emotions, and still going through some. I wanted reasons, explanations. I argued in my head. I thought about what it would take to get her back. I overlooked what was broken in the relationship, her faults, our incompatibilities, etc. I grieved, cried a little (wish I could cry more, because it felt really good, I'm just not able to), I was angry, sad, depressed, lonely, lost interest in everything, sleep deprived (even recently). The whole bit.

 

Throughout all this, the one thing that has been my salvation, for the past 25 days, is No Contact. At all. She's blocked from everything she could possibly be blocked from. I admit to unblocking her a couple of times on social media. But I haven't done it in a while, and don't intend to.

 

I made mistakes in the recovery process. The biggest one being not going full, strict NC as soon as she said "I need time and space." It set my recovery back not the 3 weeks I lost, but probably a couple of months, if not more. As clear-headed as I am now about the situation, I still hurt, and will for some time. It's for one reason, and one reason only:

 

I wasn't selfish enough to realize that the most important thing is taking care of my sanity, myself, and my own well-being.

 

A recurring theme throughout this thread is "Doesn't he care? How could he/she not? etc." The truth is, we realistically don't know how the other person feels. And what good does it do to find out? If they feel awesome, we feel bad because they're doing great and we're not. If they feel bad, we feel bad for them because we still have attachment. In the end, it honestly doesn't matter. They're gone. If we continue to care it's just another thing we ruminate over and feel miserable about.

 

You absolutely have to give yourself time to move on. Whatever the old version of the relationship was, you have to realize that version is dead. In the unlikely (and I say this not to be mean-spirited, but because statistics support it) chance that happy, successful and sustained reconciliation happens, that is a new relationship. And in order for the new relationship to be happy, successful and sustained, you have to logically and without the cloud of emotion sift through the ashes of the old relationship and fully make sense of what went wrong. And that can only happen when your head is clear, and not clouded by emotion. And for that, No Contact is absolutely critical.

 

It's a dead horse worth beating, probably the only one. Cut all ties, immediately. You owe it to yourself. The more you pine, wonder, guess, the more you suffer. Get your dignity back. Hold your head up high, tell yourself that every second that goes by is a second you get better, and start moving on. Ever so slowly, then a little faster.

 

Do your grief work. Find distractions - any are good, believe me, even the smallest ones. Take care of and be good to yourself. Exercise daily. I was in the peak shape of my life 8 weeks ago. I have no motivation to do much, but I make myself walk for an hour a day, and it helps, tremendously. Rely on your friends and this forum - I'm still surprised at how much this is helping me cope. Journal. Eat well, take your vitamins and stay hydrated. If you absolutely need to, seek professional help - there's nothing wrong with that. I'm taking meds, and they've been tremendous in helping me recover.

 

There are a lot of resources out there to help with the agony of heartbreak after a breakup. I've gone through so many. This is one that has really helped me. I read these affirmations every day, several times a day. I modified them very slightly to fit my scenario (changing he to she, etc.). Humbly suggest them to you as well, and please pay particular attention to #5.

 

 

 

And - know that it gets better. While I didn't contact my ex, I enacted No Contact in stages. She was blocked from social media initially, but I left phone, text and WhatsApp open for a while. I found that I was healing, but would still wait and hope that she would contact. A week ago, finally, I blocked phone, text and WhatsApp as well. I felt an immediate sense of loss, but more importantly, also relief. I was no longer dependent, hoping, begging in the back of my mind that she would call or text. She could have tried 1000 times for all I know. But giving myself the permission and ability to say "I don't care if she does or doesn't, and it doesn't really matter" was so incredibly empowering.

 

Best of luck, honestly. Lots of hugs and love. This absolutely sucks. No way to sugar coat it. Yesterday was a tough day for me, and today I'm feeling a bit melancholic as well. But I believe in the healing blue print, and I know I'm moving forward, because compared to how I felt a few weeks ago, this is heaven on earth.

 

Can you suggest some good online professional help.? Because I feel I absolutely need it.

[Schockobaerin]

This is a heartbreaking thread. I'm so sorry for your pain - everyone of you. We're all suffering. We'll get through it together.

 

I won't preach, but rather share some thoughts and methods that have helped/are helping me cope, get better and move forward. My situation: I am 8 weeks removed from a very intense, intimate relationship, where I wanted something substantial and long term and she did not. I am going on 25 days of No Contact.

 

When my ex and I initially fought, then agreed to time and space apart a week later, she used the time to distance herself, while I pined, hoped, waited in the hopes that we would somehow reconcile. It was an absolutely unbearable 3 weeks. When I reached out to her afterwards, she initially didn't respond. When I forced the issue and we spoke, it was clear that she was moving on. Like everyone, I went through the entire range of emotions, and still going through some. I wanted reasons, explanations. I argued in my head. I thought about what it would take to get her back. I overlooked what was broken in the relationship, her faults, our incompatibilities, etc. I grieved, cried a little (wish I could cry more, because it felt really good, I'm just not able to), I was angry, sad, depressed, lonely, lost interest in everything, sleep deprived (even recently). The whole bit.

 

Throughout all this, the one thing that has been my salvation, for the past 25 days, is No Contact. At all. She's blocked from everything she could possibly be blocked from. I admit to unblocking her a couple of times on social media. But I haven't done it in a while, and don't intend to.

 

I made mistakes in the recovery process. The biggest one being not going full, strict NC as soon as she said "I need time and space." It set my recovery back not the 3 weeks I lost, but probably a couple of months, if not more. As clear-headed as I am now about the situation, I still hurt, and will for some time. It's for one reason, and one reason only:

 

I wasn't selfish enough to realize that the most important thing is taking care of my sanity, myself, and my own well-being.

 

A recurring theme throughout this thread is "Doesn't he care? How could he/she not? etc." The truth is, we realistically don't know how the other person feels. And what good does it do to find out? If they feel awesome, we feel bad because they're doing great and we're not. If they feel bad, we feel bad for them because we still have attachment. In the end, it honestly doesn't matter. They're gone. If we continue to care it's just another thing we ruminate over and feel miserable about.

 

You absolutely have to give yourself time to move on. Whatever the old version of the relationship was, you have to realize that version is dead. In the unlikely (and I say this not to be mean-spirited, but because statistics support it) chance that happy, successful and sustained reconciliation happens, that is a new relationship. And in order for the new relationship to be happy, successful and sustained, you have to logically and without the cloud of emotion sift through the ashes of the old relationship and fully make sense of what went wrong. And that can only happen when your head is clear, and not clouded by emotion. And for that, No Contact is absolutely critical.

 

It's a dead horse worth beating, probably the only one. Cut all ties, immediately. You owe it to yourself. The more you pine, wonder, guess, the more you suffer. Get your dignity back. Hold your head up high, tell yourself that every second that goes by is a second you get better, and start moving on. Ever so slowly, then a little faster.

 

Do your grief work. Find distractions - any are good, believe me, even the smallest ones. Take care of and be good to yourself. Exercise daily. I was in the peak shape of my life 8 weeks ago. I have no motivation to do much, but I make myself walk for an hour a day, and it helps, tremendously. Rely on your friends and this forum - I'm still surprised at how much this is helping me cope. Journal. Eat well, take your vitamins and stay hydrated. If you absolutely need to, seek professional help - there's nothing wrong with that. I'm taking meds, and they've been tremendous in helping me recover.

 

There are a lot of resources out there to help with the agony of heartbreak after a breakup. I've gone through so many. This is one that has really helped me. I read these affirmations every day, several times a day. I modified them very slightly to fit my scenario (changing he to she, etc.). Humbly suggest them to you as well, and please pay particular attention to #5.

 

 

 

And - know that it gets better. While I didn't contact my ex, I enacted No Contact in stages. She was blocked from social media initially, but I left phone, text and WhatsApp open for a while. I found that I was healing, but would still wait and hope that she would contact. A week ago, finally, I blocked phone, text and WhatsApp as well. I felt an immediate sense of loss, but more importantly, also relief. I was no longer dependent, hoping, begging in the back of my mind that she would call or text. She could have tried 1000 times for all I know. But giving myself the permission and ability to say "I don't care if she does or doesn't, and it doesn't really matter" was so incredibly empowering.

 

Best of luck, honestly. Lots of hugs and love. This absolutely sucks. No way to sugar coat it. Yesterday was a tough day for me, and today I'm feeling a bit melancholic as well. But I believe in the healing blue print, and I know I'm moving forward, because compared to how I felt a few weeks ago, this is heaven on earth.

 

You dont know, how helpful this is for me right now, in theory I know everything you have said, I had already a "reconciliation" but because of my emotions it all went wrong, he called last weekend and felt relieved and I just coldly told him that I needed to dissapear, that this is for me very painful and that we both needed to heal, he is still struggling from a past relationship and is not "free" or emotional aviable right now. At the end Im the only one hurting here, so we agreed to strict NC so we both can heal, and in the worst case become friends, one thing is sure we are very important for each other, he wants to friends, I want something else, there is a very strong attraction, but he isnt just there yet, and he thinks he maybe is not going to be there.. It is so painful for me, like you said to think that he is feeling fine and relieved and Im here very depressed, but slowly Im feeling better, or better said, I feel like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde (as you can see on my posts). You feel better and that gives me hope, thank you very much for your kind words.

[mynameisneo]

Can you suggest some good online professional help.? Because I feel I absolutely need it.

 

You can give 7cups a try. I tried it and haven't found it that helpful, tbh. They have listeners there that are constantly available, but your mileage may vary. And they have professional therapists that answer 1-2 times a day, for $150/month. Posting something and waiting to get a response is generally not ideal, especially if you're paying for a service. This forum has been much better.

 

I highly recommend in-person therapy if you can afford it and/or your insurance covers it (most insurance does). I work with a therapist and she's wonderful. I look forward to my weekly session with her more than anything else nowdays.

 

If you're depressed, overwhelmed by anxiety, panic, etc., please see a Dr. I have a history of depression and anxiety and the breakup made me relapse. The medicine has been a God-send. The anti-anxiety medication works almost on the spot and is wonderful at helping you relax. You don't have to take it forever. I certainly don't intend to. But it's a valuable weapon in your arsenal that shouldn't be ignored, especially if you need it.

 

One other thing I found that has really helped: I bought a book ("Getting Past Your Breakup") and listen to it on Audible, in the car, or wherever. For edification, I get nothing for endorsing it, and have zero affiliation with the author. There are actually parts of the book I don't enjoy, such as when she's rehashing these heartbreaking stories, or when she keeps going on and on about how much some part of the breakup sucks. However, I found that having the narrator "yell" at me, so to speak, and tell me "do this, don't do that" is resonating with me. I don't listen to it all the time, because it just serves to remind me of my breakup, and I don't really need constant reminders, but I find it good for reinforcing things and concepts I already know but may be tempted to forego in a moment of weakness.

 

Hope this helps you

[Schockobaerin]

You have no idea, I have actually considered being in fwb relationship with him I even tried it too.. it hurts badly when you love the person and he just wants to feel you sexually. and all you have is love even after his awful behaviour. I love him with all my heart but I do not feel great going in a relationship where I feel the fear of losing him more and more. He is there when he needs me but might not be there when I need him. It is very hard to survive like this and I constantly feel I will get better he will be back too but I just get weak and contact him. I do not want to do that.. nobody should do that. we all just need support. that will help.

 

Sister we are exactly in the same boat because he wants me as a friend with benefits but without the responsability (or whatever the hell that means) because there are feelings there, but he is just still hung on his exgf.. To accept his offer would just hurt me more, and help him get over me easily.. I just dont understand why is he feeling that much pressure, because its not like we were talking about marriage and children, but I think he knows what I want and thinks he just cannot give me that in a future, so for him is better to cut ties...His excuse: "I love you but I just cannot fall in love with you" o and if this didnt happen yet, its not going to happen.. Last saturday (three weeks after the breakup) he called me and reassured me that he "estimates" me and arrogantly said that I just "cannot wait for him" if Im not that important why did he call? Then there I dropped him the bomb that I didnt want any contact to him, until he heals over his exgf (at least a couple of months) and that he must learn to value me and stop taking me for granted... His answer, to chat with a very good friend of mine to inform her that we are not a couple anymore and hopes stay in contact to her.. He is going out, I dont know if he wants his ex back(I hope not, that witch damaged him very much and anyway lives far far away). I told him, my last gift was that I still believed on us, but that he was right, and that he needed to be alone to sort his issues, that althought im not waiting for him, we shall talk in months (he should initiate contact) to discuss us.. I think I made a mistake, because again I was being avaliable, but anyway I just want to heal at once and sort out my priorities.. Now Im depressed, but plan on getting better, whatever the cost and in a couple of weeks begin to casually date again. If he is doing it, Im doing it as well, and not for him, but for ME. If we agree to be FWB we are giving them the best of the two worlds: our company without compromise and that is a big NO! think about it : Good luck and here are we to help each other

[hs782356]

You dont know, how helpful this is for me right now, in theory I know everything you have said, I had already a "reconciliation" but because of my emotions it all went wrong, he called last weekend and felt relieved and I just coldly told him that I needed to dissapear, that this is for me very painful and that we both needed to heal, he is still struggling from a past relationship and is not "free" or emotional aviable right now. At the end Im the only one hurting here, so we agreed to strict NC so we both can heal, and in the worst case become friends, one thing is sure we are very important for each other, he wants to friends, I want something else, there is a very strong attraction, but he isnt just there yet, and he thinks he maybe is not going to be there.. It is so painful for me, like you said to think that he is feeling fine and relieved and Im here very depressed, but slowly Im feeling better, or better said, I feel like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde (as you can see on my posts). You feel better and that gives me hope, thank you very much for your kind words.

 

I know all this and everything to help myself I am not able to gather the courage to do it. I feel that I am so miserable while he is happily living his life but then I am glad he is happy but I feel so sad that his happiness is without me while I feel he is my happiness.

[hs782356]

You can give 7cups a try. I tried it and haven't found it that helpful, tbh. They have listeners there that are constantly available, but your mileage may vary. And they have professional therapists that answer 1-2 times a day, for $150/month. Posting something and waiting to get a response is generally not ideal, especially if you're paying for a service. This forum has been much better.

 

I highly recommend in-person therapy if you can afford it and/or your insurance covers it (most insurance does). I work with a therapist and she's wonderful. I look forward to my weekly session with her more than anything else nowdays.

 

If you're depressed, overwhelmed by anxiety, panic, etc., please see a Dr. I have a history of depression and anxiety and the breakup made me relapse. The medicine has been a God-send. The anti-anxiety medication works almost on the spot and is wonderful at helping you relax. You don't have to take it forever. I certainly don't intend to. But it's a valuable weapon in your arsenal that shouldn't be ignored, especially if you need it.

 

One other thing I found that has really helped: I bought a book ("Getting Past Your Breakup") and listen to it on Audible, in the car, or wherever. For edification, I get nothing for endorsing it, and have zero affiliation with the author. There are actually parts of the book I don't enjoy, such as when she's rehashing these heartbreaking stories, or when she keeps going on and on about how much some part of the breakup sucks. However, I found that having the narrator "yell" at me, so to speak, and tell me "do this, don't do that" is resonating with me. I don't listen to it all the time, because it just serves to remind me of my breakup, and I don't really need constant reminders, but I find it good for reinforcing things and concepts I already know but may be tempted to forego in a moment of weakness.

 

Hope this helps you

 

Yes I am trying 7cups, but yeah their replies are so so slow. I need somebody who could help me and guide me and listen to me when I need them. I can not afford in person sessions but I guess I will try to find something. And your words helped me a lot, especially the post you shared. Thank you. much love.

[Schockobaerin]

I know all this and everything to help myself I am not able to gather the courage to do it. I feel that I am so miserable while he is happily living his life but then I am glad he is happy but I feel so sad that his happiness is without me while I feel he is my happiness.

 

Ditto ! Is awful, but truthfully I want him to suffer my loss and to regret to letting me go, this is probably wishful thinking and doesnt help me, but anyway is probably my hurt EGO speaking

[mynameisneo]

You dont know, how helpful this is for me right now, in theory I know everything you have said, I had already a "reconciliation" but because of my emotions it all went wrong, he called last weekend and felt relieved and I just coldly told him that I needed to dissapear, that this is for me very painful and that we both needed to heal, he is still struggling from a past relationship and is not "free" or emotional aviable right now. At the end Im the only one hurting here, so we agreed to strict NC so we both can heal, and in the worst case become friends, one thing is sure we are very important for each other, he wants to friends, I want something else, there is a very strong attraction, but he isnt just there yet, and he thinks he maybe is not going to be there.. It is so painful for me, like you said to think that he is feeling fine and relieved and Im here very depressed, but slowly Im feeling better, or better said, I feel like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde (as you can see on my posts). You feel better and that gives me hope, thank you very much for your kind words.

 

I'm honestly glad this helped you. I leaned on a lot of people for support initially, still do to some extent. I have my own thread posted, and work through my emotions and baggage every day. Every second that passes is a milestone. One foot in front of the other. Fake it until you make it (probably the most important mantra). And, realistically, The only way out is through.

 

These are just some things I tell myself. You may not want to hear this, but it's almost impossible to be friends with someone you were emotionally and intimately bonded with in a romantic relationship after that relationship is broken. My healing was and is greatly delayed because I refused to accept this. I stupidly did not enact No Contact because I didn't want to hurt her feelings for 3 weeks.

 

One of my friends, the same one that introduced us, coincidentally, took me to the side and told me "This is about you. Not her, not anyone else. From my own breakup pain, I started healing when I made a commitment to always put myself first." That's when everything started to click. I enacted No Contact minutes later. Literally hours later, I was feeling some mental relief.

 

There is so much truth to what he said. "We" are the ones hurting. "We" are the ones wallowing in misery, desperately trying to heal. Despite what the future may or may not hold (who the hell knows, really), right now, my ex is a festering, malignant tumor that I have to remove with the emotional coldness of a killer in order to LIVE. That's the long and short of it. I cannot afford to care about how she feels, how she's doing, what she's doing, who she's with, what she's up to. All of that is irrelevant. The minute I give in and revisit that pain in any way, whether by contacting her, responding to her, looking at one of her pictures, posts, whatever, I reset all this work I've done to get here.

 

Do I miss her? Yea, part of me does, sure. I'm human, and I loved her. Do I wonder? Of course. But both, less and less, every day. And I work hard to minimize and erase both, and more. Anything and everything that has to do with her. Until all I'll feel is complete and utter irrelevance.

[mynameisneo]

Yes I am trying 7cups, but yeah their replies are so so slow. I need somebody who could help me and guide me and listen to me when I need them. I can not afford in person sessions but I guess I will try to find something. And your words helped me a lot, especially the post you shared. Thank you. much love.

 

In that case, try grief support groups on Meetup.com. There are some in every city. I've considered going to one, but at this point I don't think I need it. They're generally free and/or very low cost. And they're probably very helpful.

[hs782356]

Sister we are exactly in the same boat because he wants me as a friend with benefits but without the responsability (or whatever the hell that means) because there are feelings there, but he is just still hung on his exgf.. To accept his offer would just hurt me more, and help him get over me easily.. I just dont understand why is he feeling that much pressure, because its not like we were talking about marriage and children, but I think he knows what I want and thinks he just cannot give me that in a future, so for him is better to cut ties...His excuse: "I love you but I just cannot fall in love with you" o and if this didnt happen yet, its not going to happen.. Last saturday (three weeks after the breakup) he called me and reassured me that he "estimates" me and arrogantly said that I just "cannot wait for him" if Im not that important why did he call? Then there I dropped him the bomb that I didnt want any contact to him, until he heals over his exgf (at least a couple of months) and that he must learn to value me and stop taking me for granted... His answer, to chat with a very good friend of mine to inform her that we are not a couple anymore and hopes stay in contact to her.. He is going out, I dont know if he wants his ex back(I hope not, that witch damaged him very much and anyway lives far far away). I told him, my last gift was that I still believed on us, but that he was right, and that he needed to be alone to sort his issues, that althought im not waiting for him, we shall talk in months (he should initiate contact) to discuss us.. I think I made a mistake, because again I was being avaliable, but anyway I just want to heal at once and sort out my priorities.. Now Im depressed, but plan on getting better, whatever the cost and in a couple of weeks begin to casually date again. If he is doing it, Im doing it as well, and not for him, but for ME. If we agree to be FWB we are giving them the best of the two worlds: our company without compromise and that is a big NO! think about it : Good luck and here are we to help each other

 

At least he contacts you some time. Mine does not and when I sometimes text him take care and I hope you are doing great. he gives me so much attitude like thanks for the concern. take care. as if I broke it off with him. He has healed he jst want to have a good time and said he is okay with being friends and caring about me as long as there is no attachment or relationship because he can not do it right now. He talks to another girl that makes me mad and jealous and I just feel like giving him what he wants. I know it is not right. He talks to me but if I ask him anything he starts getting rude and mean to me. I don't know what to do. really. I guess he is ready to leave me behind and I have made it possible too by being so much available and needy. I am just not ready to get rid of him even if he is being mean to me. I just love him.

 

And it is really great that you are trying to start dating again and that too for yourself. It is very important that we care for yourself first and be nice to ourselves. While I try to follow this I get upset and I want to just get back with him or somehow want things to be okay again. I guess I am more concerned about my future without him in my life because I always thought of him as my home and he too felt this way but I don't know how come he can not feel that way again and claims can never. I feel depressed. I just don't know.

 

I am seeking all the help I can ,.And know I am not alone helps to. Let's keep helping each other

[hs782356]

Ditto ! Is awful, but truthfully I want him to suffer my loss and to regret to letting me go, this is probably wishful thinking and doesnt help me, but anyway is probably my hurt EGO speaking

 

I totally get it. I mean I really understand. May be it's the EGO. I feel like part of me died with this. I have known him for 8.5 years. and he has ed up my brain completely. I can not decide what to do on my own. I just feel he realize it soon that I really loved him and he loved me too.

[mynameisneo]

I can not decide what to do on my own.

 

Block him. From everything. Right now.

 

Then read these:

 

 

 

Read them for hours if you have to. Say them out loud. Until they sink in.

 

You will continue your cycle of self-misery if you keep this up. Sorry if I'm being a bit harsh. I'm speaking from experience, and from the experience of virtually every person in the world that has followed this method to heal from a broken heart.

[hs782356]

I'm honestly glad this helped you. I leaned on a lot of people for support initially, still do to some extent. I have my own thread posted, and work through my emotions and baggage every day. Every second that passes is a milestone. One foot in front of the other. Fake it until you make it (probably the most important mantra). And, realistically, The only way out is through.

 

These are just some things I tell myself. You may not want to hear this, but it's almost impossible to be friends with someone you were emotionally and intimately bonded with in a romantic relationship after that relationship is broken. My healing was and is greatly delayed because I refused to accept this. I stupidly did not enact No Contact because I didn't want to hurt her feelings for 3 weeks.

 

One of my friends, the same one that introduced us, coincidentally, took me to the side and told me "This is about you. Not her, not anyone else. From my own breakup pain, I started healing when I made a commitment to always put myself first." That's when everything started to click. I enacted No Contact minutes later. Literally hours later, I was feeling some mental relief.

 

There is so much truth to what he said. "We" are the ones hurting. "We" are the ones wallowing in misery, desperately trying to heal. Despite what the future may or may not hold (who the hell knows, really), right now, my ex is a festering, malignant tumor that I have to remove with the emotional coldness of a killer in order to LIVE. That's the long and short of it. I cannot afford to care about how she feels, how she's doing, what she's doing, who she's with, what she's up to. All of that is irrelevant. The minute I give in and revisit that pain in any way, whether by contacting her, responding to her, looking at one of her pictures, posts, whatever, I reset all this work I've done to get here.

 

Do I miss her? Yea, part of me does, sure. I'm human, and I loved her. Do I wonder? Of course. But both, less and less, every day. And I work hard to minimize and erase both, and more. Anything and everything that has to do with her. Until all I'll feel is complete and utter irrelevance.

 

I completely agree we should keep ourselves above them. They left us miserable, they probably didn't care how would we feel in the first so it is very stupid of us to feel how will they feel or how are they. It is so unkind of us to ourselves to just give them the ego boost and make them feel superior.

 

I told him take care of yourself and I hope everything in your life is good. not even once he asked how was I doing he just simply wants me out. I feel so angry about it but I don't want to fall to his level where I forget all the humanity. I guess we are more mature and strong that we actually truly respected our feelings by sticking to it. I feel proud that atleast my feelings were honest and I didn't want to use him in anyway.

 

While I have these nice thought I do fall back to the panic of losing him. I guess that is the most important thing we need to get over with. No contact do help but yeah I too did the same mistake I thought about him contacted him and it was all gone. all my time wasted. I just hope I gather the courage to do the right things and make sure I stay kind to me more than I am kind to him or any person who disrespects me.

[hs782356]

Block him. From everything. Right now.

 

Then read these:

 

 

 

Read them for hours if you have to. Say them out loud. Until they sink in.

 

You will continue your cycle of self-misery if you keep this up. Sorry if I'm being a bit harsh. I'm speaking from experience, and from the experience of virtually every person in the world that has followed this method to heal from a broken heart.

 

Yes I am going to do that. I will. I am just in denial that things will get better. I feel that it will get better. I feel so sad.

[Schockobaerin]

At least he contacts you some time. Mine does not and when I sometimes text him take care and I hope you are doing great. he gives me so much attitude like thanks for the concern. take care. as if I broke it off with him. He has healed he jst want to have a good time and said he is okay with being friends and caring about me as long as there is no attachment or relationship because he can not do it right now. He talks to another girl that makes me mad and jealous and I just feel like giving him what he wants. I know it is not right. He talks to me but if I ask him anything he starts getting rude and mean to me. I don't know what to do. really. I guess he is ready to leave me behind and I have made it possible too by being so much available and needy. I am just not ready to get rid of him even if he is being mean to me. I just love him.

 

And it is really great that you are trying to start dating again and that too for yourself. It is very important that we care for yourself first and be nice to ourselves. While I try to follow this I get upset and I want to just get back with him or somehow want things to be okay again. I guess I am more concerned about my future without him in my life because I always thought of him as my home and he too felt this way but I don't know how come he can not feel that way again and claims can never. I feel depressed. I just don't know.

 

I am seeking all the help I can ,.And know I am not alone helps to. Let's keep helping each other

 

Yeah, he "contacted" after 10 days or ignoring me, but Im sure that he still talks to his exgf, is still very active on tinder, he was very eager to reassure me that our wasnt a "break" but a "breakup" because he wanted to be sure he is free to be with other girls, and again he feels "im ready for another romantic relationship". After this conversation he didnt contact me anymore, well anyway I know he is going to respect my wishes. He wants to live the single life, to date, to still talk to his exgf (she wants him back, he mm maybe, but its hard because they live in different continents) and I was the stupid pretty thing that was very "available" for him, and to make matters worst I always told him that I only wanted HIM; so thanks to me his EGO is very high.. Maybe he wants to date casually someone else, but good luck on finding someone like me, but apparently I just couldnt replace the ex... He has been always very nice to me, but he doesnt want to admit that he hurt me very much. I just made the decision on dissapearing completely of social media and deep inside, I think that after a couple of months without me he is going to finally realize how important and valuable am I for him. Last breakup he was miserable and missed me a lot, but he thinks it was because of his depression, and we were in contact every 2 weeks (I was away on holiday for 4 months). Now and at least last weekend he gave the impression to feel really good without me, but again, he called me.. So... Who knows. I just want to heal and to get over him, anyway if he comes back, I want him to fight for me and to get over my emotions and dont repeat past mistakes. Its not easy, right now Im in my worst shape, but slowly I want to feel pretty again. I tried to date 2 weeks ago and just cried, I wasnt ready, and truthfully Im still not in the mood for that or for going out. Im beginning a practice soon so Im going to occupy myself with things I love and meet new people and old friends. That is going to be refreshing.

I just want to get better and for things to work up on the end with or without him, because he dumped me when I needed him most, i recently graduated and Im looking for a job, I needed just a little emotional support, and he just grew scared (old wounds you know) and I paid the price.. Anyway he took me for granted and I let him do this to me, and that needs to change, because for me my priority must be ME and only ME