Mandala Posted September 7, 2017 Share Posted September 7, 2017 How are you girls? I'm feeling like total right now... I hope you are doing a bit better. Link to comment
Helpmesavethis Posted September 8, 2017 Author Share Posted September 8, 2017 Hanging in there. I've had a few break down moments today but haven't cried all day like I have been. Still can't get him out of my mind. I can't focus on my job or anything. Thankfully I have my daughter to help keep me strong after work but she will be with her dad this weekend and my plans got cancelled so I'm worrying myself to death about what I'm going to do. Likely sit around and cry all weekend.. Link to comment
Mandala Posted September 8, 2017 Share Posted September 8, 2017 Oh no! I also find strength in my kids, unfortunately they both caught me crying earlier, and even though I think it's ok that they learn to express their feelings, I do not like that this has happened more than once lately... Anyway, I'm sorry that your plans got canceled, sometimes it seems that everything is going against us. Meditating helps me greatly, maybe you can try that too... I keep watching videos on Youtube on how to heal a broken heart, no contact and everything that has to do with my situation... That also distracts me for a while. I find helpful to walk in Nature as well and doing Yoga, but of course I know that I need to accept the pain and live it if I really want to heal. It takes my breath away how hurtful this is, but we need to try and work with it a day at the time. If I let myself go for a second... the only thing I can think of is lay down and cry. Please, reach out to me this weekend, if I can help just for a little bit, and if I'm not in a total Valley of Tears myself, I will try to keep you some company... Otherwise we'll just plan a Pity Party! Link to comment
Helpmesavethis Posted September 8, 2017 Author Share Posted September 8, 2017 I actually talked to a mutual friend of ours after I posted here last night. She messaged me asking how things were going with us... I filled her in. She couldn't believe we aren't together either. She is liable to have a chat with him because that's how she is but I A, did not ask or suggest for her 2, and B, don't want anyone in the middle of it... But it made me feel a little better I guess that I'm not the only one in shock of our breakup... I keep my personal stuff personal so only my 2 best friends, a co-worker, and my parents know about our split... Once people start finding out, I hate to have to answer questions... Link to comment
Mandala Posted September 8, 2017 Share Posted September 8, 2017 I actually talked to a mutual friend of ours after I posted here last night. She messaged me asking how things were going with us... I filled her in. She couldn't believe we aren't together either. She is liable to have a chat with him because that's how she is but I A, did not ask or suggest for her 2, and B, don't want anyone in the middle of it... But it made me feel a little better I guess that I'm not the only one in shock of our breakup... I keep my personal stuff personal so only my 2 best friends, a co-worker, and my parents know about our split... Once people start finding out, I hate to have to answer questions... Yes, because it makes it more "real", doesn't it? It happened the same to me when his best friend asked me how we were doing, even though I still think that my ex must have been behind this, just to see where I stand (since we never officially broke up). Anyway, I too wouldn't want for someone to talk to him, it seems a bit childish to me and he could always think that you have asked her to do it. So... it's a big no, no. When did you talk to him the last time and are you still in strict NC? Link to comment
Helpmesavethis Posted September 8, 2017 Author Share Posted September 8, 2017 Strict NC for 15 days now... I'm not crying at the moment but my heart literally hurts. I feel so broken inside. I want to talk to him so bad but I won't let myself break NC... And I think IF our mutual friend did talk to him, he would know that's just how she is but who knows. I would hope he knows I'm not childish and wouldn't stoop to that level no matter what... How are you today? Link to comment
Mandala Posted September 8, 2017 Share Posted September 8, 2017 I woke up with a very heavy heart, but determined not to waste another day crying (I only allowed two drops, LoL). I'm trying to focus on my projects and do stuff. I have accomplished only a little bit, but it feels like something. Though, I keep feeling like there is a huge knot stuck between the back of my throat and my heart. He doesn't leave my mind for more than a minute or less. Listening to his voice yesterday and hearing him saying that he loves me and misses me messed me up completely. I'm proud of you, keep your strength and your NC up. If he knows the girl, then yes, I'm sure he won't think you are behind it. Did he try to contact you at all? Link to comment
Helpmesavethis Posted September 8, 2017 Author Share Posted September 8, 2017 No, he hasn't tried to contact me at all. I text him 24 hours after we broke up. Told him I missed him and I hoped he had a good day. He responded within the same minute and told me he did and hoped I did too. Nothing since. That was 15 days ago. It was technically my decision to break it off I guess when it comes down to it but it was because he said he felt pressured and scared and kept saying he didn't know what to do. And kept saying over and over he didn't know what to do..... I told him that it wasn't fair to me to keep developing feelings for him etc with him being unsure.... So now im sitting here thinking, was I not supportive enough.. should I have tried to help him thru it blah blah but I don't know. I had some flyers printed for him for an event he's having prior to the breakup so I mailed them to him. I wrote a very short note hat just said Sparky (what I called him) these were printed already. 💜 Always.... They were delivered Tuesday... I figured I would at least get a thank you but nope, nothing..... But I'm not sure he's actually gotten them out of the mailbox with yet so who knows... That hurts and helps at the same time.... Ugh.. Link to comment
Mandala Posted September 8, 2017 Share Posted September 8, 2017 I personally can not leave with myself if I leave something unsaid, even if that means eventually paying consequences for it. And with 'something unsaid' I mean unexpressed feelings or unsaid apologies. So, if afflicted by this doubt, that's what I would do: keep NC for another few days and let him soak in it, let him think about your note and gesture. Once you are pretty sure that by a certain time he has most likely received your package and note, see how you feel and eventually, after a week or so, send him a message or call him to clarify your doubt and express your apology saying that it would make your healing more difficult if you would have to live with the doubt that the reason of your break up could be that he didn't feel supported. Remember a few important things though: 1) it's gonna hurt like hell all over again in case you don't the response you are hoping for. 2) don't expect closure, he might not give it to you. 3) you are mostly going to do this for YOURSELF. At least you can get rid of that doubt and apologize for what you feel you might have done wrong. On the bright side, once you know you have done all your part and let it all out with him, it might be much easier for you to let him go. After that, I'd go NC again. The ball would be in his court, once again. Link to comment
Helpmesavethis Posted September 8, 2017 Author Share Posted September 8, 2017 I'm so on the fence on the right thing to do. Like you said, what if I don't get the response I want? I'll be back to square one. He didn't reciprocate saying he missed me in my last text to him and that hurt.. He hasn't acknowledged the flyers, that hurts. It's really telling me where I stand in his eyes and it's not where I thought I was... Then I just wonder if that was his way out. He is a super nice guy and I can see him not wanting to technically be the bad guy and break it off with me so that was his excuse.. I honestly don't have any idea what/how he's feeling... And yes, part of me would like to know, the other part is scared to know.... Link to comment
Mandala Posted September 8, 2017 Share Posted September 8, 2017 Oh honey, you have no idea how much I can relate to that... I feel so much pain that I would rip my heart and throw in the freaking trash if I could. I understand completely. Just by you being able to still see the good in his heart, speaks volumes about yours. I'm in the same way and I feel the same about my ex. A blessing and a curse to be an empath... What can I say, try to understand what you would be able to live better with... letting go of the doubt or letting go of your progress. Very crappy choices, I know... ❤️ Link to comment
Helpmesavethis Posted September 8, 2017 Author Share Posted September 8, 2017 I just think I need to give myself more time to heal and once I have, go from there. Maybe what to do will come to me once my head is a little more clear. I don't want to make any irrational decisions... Link to comment
Mandala Posted September 8, 2017 Share Posted September 8, 2017 I agree. It seems like your head is actually already starting to be more clear. Wise decision! Link to comment
Schockobaerin Posted September 8, 2017 Share Posted September 8, 2017 Hi my dears: Well tomorrow is going to be 4 weeks since the break up, sometimes I think: 4 weeks ago everything was fine and now Im depressed, Im just hating myself because I have let him do this to me, one week ago we have talked, and he was very fine and relieved, but we agreed to NC for at least a couple of months, now I see my mistake, because I shouldnt have answer the call, he was missing me, called me and I like the moron I am just answered, now he just feel relieved, I just want to kick myself in the ass, but whatever.. Slowly I dont cry as much, too tired for it, but I feel very numb, apathic, like with a "whatever" attitude, very sad, and when I wake up, I just think.. welcome again to this nightmare, but today I said STOP, and screamed, today is gonna to be a good day, it felt good... It wasnt as good, and Im still depressed and heartbroken, but at least Im not waiting for his call.. Funny and it shouldnt matter, he is very passive on his fb (I dissapeared completely) I know he didnt block me, but when we were together he published a lot, when we broke up the first week he published "articles of self worth" and from his work, every day, now, very ramdomly.. Anyway it can be, summer is over, or he is doing it with purpose, so I cannot see it. Technically we are on "very good terms".. I still miss him terribly, but at least today I could dance a little (of course I had some fantasies that he comes back to beg me and that i say NO WAY) Its not healthy and childish, but at least I can dance again (something I very love).. One day at the time, and battling this depression, but its going to get better, I want to believe it To read your stuff helps me a lot and keep the NC and learn from my mistakes, We are going to do it Link to comment
Schockobaerin Posted September 8, 2017 Share Posted September 8, 2017 Girls for them to begin to miss you properly it should be at least 3 weeks NC, in my first breakup, my exbf and I were contacting every 10-15 days, and now it was the same, therefore I told him not to contact me until he sorts his , and he believes I asked for time to heal, anyway is the truth, but if I want him to learn not to take me for granted, he must miss me terribly and anyway NC for a couple of months will help me as well to get over him.. Stay in NC for as long as you can, dont give up!! Dont do my mistake, let him look after you, and helpmesavethis if he is in the hurricane zone, his head is somewhere there not with you thats a given.. Link to comment
Helpmesavethis Posted September 8, 2017 Author Share Posted September 8, 2017 Girls for them to begin to miss you properly it should be at least 3 weeks NC, in my first breakup, my exbf and I were contacting every 10-15 days, and now it was the same, therefore I told him not to contact me until he sorts his , and he believes I asked for time to heal, anyway is the truth, but if I want him to learn not to take me for granted, he must miss me terribly and anyway NC for a couple of months will help me as well to get over him.. Stay in NC for as long as you can, dont give up!! Dont do my mistake, let him look after you, and helpmesavethis if he is in the hurricane zone, his head is somewhere there not with you thats a given.. Thankfully we aren't in hurricane zone. But I agree. I won't break. I want to. I just sent 2 friends and Mandala a message I typed out to him... But I won't send it. I feel better after typing it out though.. I had read somewhere else to try that instead of sending to him. Surprisingly it helped. And I know if he called, I would answer but also know I shouldn't... I'm to the point of accepting the fact that it's over, I just have to work thru it now. Stay strong yourself and come here to vent with us whenever you feel you need to. Link to comment
Schockobaerin Posted September 8, 2017 Share Posted September 8, 2017 Thankfully we aren't in hurricane zone. But I agree. I won't break. I want to. I just sent 2 friends and Mandala a message I typed out to him... But I won't send it. I feel better after typing it out though.. I had read somewhere else to try that instead of sending to him. Surprisingly it helped. And I know if he called, I would answer but also know I shouldn't... I'm to the point of accepting the fact that it's over, I just have to work thru it now. Stay strong yourself and come here to vent with us whenever you feel you need to. Thank you, about the letters that helps, I wrote him a letter, telling him everything, and then burned it out.. IT helped, but like you and Mandala, Im fighting my demons, we have to do a self help group, we are like in AA meetings, we have to help each other Link to comment
Mandala Posted September 8, 2017 Share Posted September 8, 2017 Thank you, about the letters that helps, I wrote him a letter, telling him everything, and then burned it out.. IT helped, but like you and Mandala, Im fighting my demons, we have to do a self help group, we are like in AA meetings, we have to help each other Haha, I agree. Let's call it 'The Desperation Clan". We'll change the name once we are all healed and happy again. Link to comment
Mandala Posted September 8, 2017 Share Posted September 8, 2017 One last thing, even though I knew about the burning-letter thing, I have actually decided to send it to him through message and told him aaall of those things on the phone the last day before I started NC. What an a55 I am... LoL Link to comment
Schockobaerin Posted September 8, 2017 Share Posted September 8, 2017 One last thing, even though I knew about the burning-letter thing, I have actually decided to send it to him through message and told him aaall of those things on the phone the last day before I started NC. What an a55 I am... LoL I cannot tell you it is wrong, it is, but I did the same, so now you have it out of your chest, and anyway later you are going to find more things to say. Last week I tried to tell him how hurt I was because of his selfishness, but we both agreed that I knew what I was getting into. I regret not being more agressive to him. Now I miss him soo much, you know, I live alone far away from my family, I grew up with family and friends who are always hugging and kissing, here I have nothing, my friends here have a life, and though I have one, he was the one who gave me that physical contact, we were very good friends and spend the weekends together, but the most the intimacy, the physical contact and the conversations, Im a chatterbox and learned how to "enjoy the silence", well sometimes.. Sadly when I needed him most, his emotional care for me, he just backed off, Im not angry at him because "he just couldnt fall in love with me" but because he didnt want to fight for me, believe in me, in us and because he took me for granted. I wasnt being clingy or needy, I grew up a lot, but still Im human and need attention and care, just what i gave to him.. This is soo hard, because I know Im a catch, but sometimes I just feel insecure and needy, so sad...I not only lose my lover but one of my best friends, and thought he wants us to be friends or with benefits, I just cannot accept it..Its so painful.. "Desperation clan" sounds good, because that is how i feel now... Thank you for making me smile Link to comment
Mandala Posted September 8, 2017 Share Posted September 8, 2017 I'm in the exact same situation about Family and friends being far away. I have no support here, mostly because I have decided to keep this for myself, and hurts much more in that way. I honestly think that I did what was right for my type of character to tell him everything I felt in my heart. I'm just not capable not to share those things... but yes, they can bite you in the A big time! About being a catch, I know what you mean, and in a way it makes it even worse. I also have a lot of other options, but I don't care about any of the others. I just can't stop thinking about him. At first I didn't even give a about him, he was crazy for me since the beginning... but then I fell in Love with his heart and constant attention. He always talked about the future with me, a Family, a house with a garden and I practically told him that he was crazy, that it was way too early to even think about stuff like that! ...and here I am, like a beaten duck. Link to comment
Schockobaerin Posted September 8, 2017 Share Posted September 8, 2017 I found this on the internet.. Sounds familiar? / For me it was 1000% Link to comment
Mandala Posted September 8, 2017 Share Posted September 8, 2017 Yep. He'll realize it one day... Link to comment
Schockobaerin Posted September 8, 2017 Share Posted September 8, 2017 I'm in the exact same situation about Family and friends being far away. I have no support here, mostly because I have decided to keep this for myself, and hurts much more in that way. I honestly think that I did what was right for my type of character to tell him everything I felt in my heart. I'm just not capable not to share those things... but yes, they can bite you in the A big time! About being a catch, I know what you mean, and in a way it makes it even worse. I also have a lot of other options, but I don't care about any of the others. I just can't stop thinking about him. At first I didn't even give a about him, he was crazy for me since the beginning... but then I fell in Love with his heart and constant attention. He always talked about the future with me, a Family, a house with a garden and I practically told him that he was crazy, that it was way too early to even think about stuff like that! ...and here I am, like a beaten duck. Dear we are in the same boat, my story is in my first post... I was a rebound, he chased me for SIX months, and like you when I fell in love, then the problems began, he began to miss his ex( who abandoned him and was very dominant) Im prettier (believe me), intelligent, sweet and independent.. I forgave him dumping me once, his depression, his ex always being there, I wasnt nagging, im sexcrazed, at the beginning I was clingy, but after the first breakup I changed that, I changed for the better for Gods sake, and still he misses the old hag who tossed him around, she is anyway far far away from him.. He is a nice guy and we share a big affinity and chemistry, but at the end, I was a doormat and he took me for granted So sad, because like you i feel like cr@p and he is probably having the time of his life with his friends, a new flame and/or the ex (who lives in the other part of the world..) and to boost his ego, this sexy, nice, pretty lady in pining for him..Pathetic.. Link to comment
Schockobaerin Posted September 8, 2017 Share Posted September 8, 2017 Yep. He'll realize it one day... One day im tempted to send this to him it is so TRUE... but not now, later... Anyway I dont think he is going to care for it.. I just want to get better and find someone who values me, sadly I want HIM.. Link to comment
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