Making new friends

[Batya33]

This thread is inspired by another thread where the poster was sad that close friends weren't making time for her and she reached out saying she really needed time, etc. It's inspired -not triggered -because I am not writing here that it's related to how she reacted.

 

I call this "calling your bluff". Several times on my Facebook groups I've seen women reach out saying they wanted to make new friends and wanted to get together and meet people, etc. Too many times though when push comes to shove what I see is that there are a ton of excuses ranging from time/traffic/errands so that an actual meet never really happens. Does this mean the person really didn't want friends? Probably not -but I think too often people are not willing to step up to the plate and put in the time/effort.

 

A typical anecdote that happened this morning. A woman around my age posted what I wrote above some months ago. We started texting and talking and thought about meeting for lunch. I then realized I couldn't meet that week because she didn't want to travel to where I was (20-30 minute drive at lunch time) and I would have to take the train and didn't have the 3 hour block of time to do that.

 

We texted and talked and then she went MIA for over a month. Today she texted me that she really needs some "women connection" time and can I meet after school one day this week. She teaches. I thought she meant "after school" so I suggested two times I could this week around 1-2 hours that worked with my work and child care schedule. But it would have to be in my neighborhood -the city. So the response is "isn't traffic bad at that time?" So I suggested she drive the 10 minutes to the train and take the 15 minute train ride to the city. No response. Then she said she meant to meet after 5pm. To me that's evening and by 6pm I'm on child care duty and that is much harder for me to coordinate - I also have my cleaning/home work to do at night.

 

She asked about weekends. I said I could do this Sunday if she's willing to meet me and my son at a local festival which is a few blocks from the train station. My son will be occupied doing activities/playing and I would make one on one time for her. (she has kids but they're older)

 

Her response "you have a lot going on -maybe we can skype or text". I responded that it was more a geography thing, that I take the train/walk everywhere and usually have a block of time to do that at lunch time when I am teleworking. It's not me that has a lot going on -it's a person who claims to need "women connection" but is letting traffic and unwillingness to take public transportation be the obstacle. I get that I can't travel to her this week (or probably ever without my child on a weekend) but if she really wants friends then go out of your way and travel. I also am writing this because I've traveled great lengths and in inconvenient ways to meet up with people I really wanted to meet up with. I've done that for 35 years now because friendships happen to be important to me.

 

I am tired of the "I want friends" especially among people who are no longer on a college campus or in an environment where meeting up doesn't require effort - and that's most people. If you want friends - and you want to see the person in person because you want that kind of connection -put in the effort or realize that you don't want it that badly. I'm not going to be told I have "a lot going on" in this kind of situation. This is one example but all too typical. Maybe someone here can relate. Thanks.

[DanZee]

You hit the nail on the head. People want friends but they're not willing to make the effort. Your FB friend wanted you to do everything while she made no effort. And there's this pesky thing about having to work for a living that sucks up so much of your time when you're an adult. Most people really only have time for a bf or husband. They really don't have time for new friends.

[Seraphim]

While I won't take public transportation to meet anybody because I despise it I will drive long-distance if need be if I'm really interested in being that person's friend . And being that my child is grown up I tend to be far more flexible for people whose children are younger . If I do like a person and I will tend to be very flexible .

[Batya33]

You hit the nail on the head. People want friends but they're not willing to make the effort. Your FB friend wanted you to do everything while she made no effort. And there's this pesky thing about having to work for a living that sucks up so much of your time when you're an adult. Most people really only have time for a bf or husband. They really don't have time for new friends.

 

Oh I have time and I make time -I keep in touch by phone, text, FB plus if we're in the same city I often suggest meet ups and I show up and keep the plan unless there's an emergency. Especially since this is not the city I grew up in -but it is the city my son is growing up in - I think it's important that I'm part of the community in that way. The difference is I rarely go out at night anymore (childcare plus exhaustion!). I started a new job almost a year ago and I now have two friends there who I meet for lunch every one to two months, in addition to the new friends I've made in this city. Certainly my time and blocks of time are more limited. I am referring to the particular situation where the person complains and reaches out in the way she did and then I'm the one who has "a lot going on" after offering three different days this week (she had asked for this week in particular).

[Batya33]

While I won't take public transportation to meet anybody because I despise it I will drive long-distance if need be if I'm really interested in being that person's friend . And being that my child is grown up I tend to be far more flexible for people whose children are younger . If I do like a person and I will tend to be very flexible .

 

Oh absolutely. She does not need to take public transportation - I only suggested it to her. It's just odd because she reached out to me with a fairly intense "I need to connect with women this week if possible - do you have time after school" - that's almost verbatim. I responded within minutes.

[Seraphim]

Oh absolutely. She does not need to take public transportation - I only suggested it to her. It's just odd because she reached out to me with a fairly intense "I need to connect with women this week if possible - do you have time after school" - that's almost verbatim. I responded within minutes.

 

Then she only wants to meet on her terms. You offered what you had available . I get the feeling she wanted you to drop everything and just have a girls evening .

[Batya33]

Then she only wants to meet on her terms. You offered what you had available . I get the feeling she wanted you to drop everything and just have a girls evening .

 

I guess! She seems out of sorts - she is divorced, really wants to meet someone, wants new friends. She's in her 50s I think but yes I guess she wanted to meet in the evening which is rarely going to happen and not this week. I definitely will call her this week. We'd been texting /some calling about a month or so ago but she went MIA.

[Seraphim]

I guess! She seems out of sorts - she is divorced, really wants to meet someone, wants new friends. She's in her 50s I think but yes I guess she wanted to meet in the evening which is rarely going to happen and not this week. I definitely will call her this week. We'd been texting /some calling about a month or so ago but she went MIA.

Yeah she wants a friend a buddy that she can hang with in the evenings . But you're not really able to do that at this point. So it's going to be a different kind of friendship then she envisions and it might not be what she wants .

[Batya33]

Yeah she wants a friend a buddy that she can hang with in the evenings . But you're not really able to do that at this point. So it's going to be a different kind of friendship then she envisions and it might not be what she wants .

 

You're probably right. And that's fine. I'm still going to text/call her (she had asked about weekends during the day which is why I offered this Sunday) - I am a little concerned about how she's doing so I'll check in with her. I also tried to set her up with a really nice guy after she wrote that she was desperate to meet someone but then later she decided long distance didn't work for her.

[Seraphim]

You're probably right. And that's fine. I'm still going to text/call her (she had asked about weekends during the day which is why I offered this Sunday) - I am a little concerned about how she's doing so I'll check in with her. I also tried to set her up with a really nice guy after she wrote that she was desperate to meet someone but then later she decided long distance didn't work for her.

All you can do is your best right? Nobody can offer more than that. And your child always has to come before friends especially as he is still a young child .

[Batya33]

All you can do is your best right? Nobody can offer more than that. And your child always has to come before friends especially as he is still a young child .

 

Well yes - he does - but when I was working more than full time my job needs often came before friends too -so this is also another type of job. Often back then I couldn't meet evenings during the week because I had to work late. Also I completely understand not meeting with my child around if he was going to need a lot of my attention.

[Starlight925]

I find this to be an unfortunately common occurrence, especially as I age. People are always saying they want to get together, oh we must catch up, but then, when you give them some time/place options, something else always comes up.

 

I can think of 2 right now, I've been waiting for about 5 years. Longer actually, as it's been since Facebook started, as both of them found me, friended me, and messaged me asking for get-togethers. I've even offered to make it convenient for them, but there is always an excuse. Yet I still get the odd "thinking of you!" Facebook message. How hollow. Oh, and neither one of these women has young kids, so there would go that excuse.

 

Best thing you can do is what you've already done: you've offered her some times and some arrangements. You even pointed out the public transport options for her; whether she wants to take it or not, is up to her. But she reached out to you! I find it comical how it has to be on her terms.

 

And yes, I agree with above: that she is now single and looking to mingle. She wants a female friend to hang with. So it would be a "friendship" on her terms.

[Batya33]

You so totally get it!! I usually cut to the chase and offer the times and dates. And at some point it's not well meaning (my husband says sometimes "well at least they reached out" - true but also depends on what the follow up is. I also have those check on friends and each time I get the "I'll call you this week !" I respond with "great look forward to hearing from you!" Which reminds me I need to follow up with a new friend - definitely don't want to become that person lol.

[shellyf62]

That lady sounds very self centred. The plans didnt suit her so she bailed.

I have driven long distances to have a meetup lunch or dinner with friends & they have done the same for me.