Update on Husband cheating at 8 months pregnant.

[Kate911]

First of all I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for all their advice. Here is how everything went down. When I walked up to the car port at first I thought my husband was getting sick from drinking too much cause he was kind of bent over and appeared to be by himself. Then I saw HER, and realized EXACTLY what was going on. I grabbed my husband my his sweatshirt and yelled "What the hell do you think your doing?" and THREW him behind me. Then I yelled at this girl but held everything inside me so that I didn't hit her. I didn't want to be that wife that beats the crab out of the girl and here her man is getting off scott free.

 

I hate when people do that and I tried to just focus my energy on who I was REALLY mad at. So then I looked back and saw my husband on the ground and I kicked him and told him I hated him and ran away from him crying. Then I realized I wasn't mean enough to this girl so I turned back around and started running after her and she ran up the hill. Realizing I'm 8 1/2 months pregnant and that I probably shouldn't be doing this, and that I'd probably never catch her I stopped. After walking away from the "scene" I walked home and my husband drove. I came inside the house and called my sister. I told her everything, I just needed to tell someone. She was shocked. You don't understand, my husband is NOT the guy you would expect to do this. My family would always tease me cause I had him wrapped around my finger, and I did, but the truth is, he had me wrapped around his as well...I just didn't let him know that. Anyways, my sister couldn't believe it and even commented on how he was the LAST person she thought would ever do this.

 

Long story short, my husband took a walk, and I took the car. I figured I would go spend some of his money and not feel guilty about it. I went to Target and bought some stuff for the baby. I stayed away from the house for about 6 hours. I kept talking to my sister and she kept telling me how deep down she knows this is not who my husband is, he was just drunk and made a BIG BIG mistake. So I went home and he came into the babies room to talk to me and he said he was sooo sorry. He started crying and didn't know what to say. I just let him talk, cause I didn't have much to say. He just cried and said how he wrecked the best thing in his life and how he understands if I want to leave, and since I'm pregnant I told him how I couldn't leave even if I wanted to cause no will will let me fly at this point and Im not from here. He told me he would help me figure something out if thats what I wanted and then he cried again saying how he doesn't want me to leave. He apoligiezed to me and to the baby and said how he hated that he hurt her and she is not even born yet. He said he was a bad husband and a bad father and just cried and cried and cried. I do think he's sorry for what he did. I think he let the alcohol get the best of him. I'm not letting him off easy and I've told him that if there is any chance in hell for this marriage to work then he's going to have to change ALOT. No more drinking period, and he's not going ANYWHERE without. I want to know where he is at all times, I don't care if that makes me appear to have a stick up my butt to his friends, he can explane why if they ask! I just can't give up on this marriage yet. I guess if he hurts me again its my fault for not getting out, but I can't just throw everything away. If he truly is sorry and can change then it will be the best choice I've made, if not then I guess I'll have to learn that the hard way. I want him to talk to someone to figure out WHY exactly he felt he had to do this. I guess if he can live with my guidelines then I can learn to forgive, but he has to live with that fact that I will never forget. I'll always know what he did to me. He'll know his daughter was hurt by this too. I had a doctor's appt on Monday and my blood pressure was thru the roof! He was there, I let him come in and I know hearing that just made him feel worse. I see the hurt in his eyes but its hard to have sympathy for him, cause he hurt me so bad. I'm just so blindsided by this. We had such a great marriage and he was truly my best friend. I knew he would never hurt me. I realize now, ANYONE is capable of doing this. I would have bet a million dollars my husband would never do this and he did. We both sleep in the living room now, I just can't handle sleeping in our bed, in our bedroom after this. It's going to take time. I just can't stand the thought of sleeping alone in our bed...anyways, thanks to everyone for all your advice, any more is greatly appreciated!

 

Kate

[Cecelius]

Sounds like you've made some peace with this, and I don't want to add fuel but:

 

1) He's more culpable than a girl in a similar situation. A man HAS to be at least partially into it to get the job done. Don't let him put too much of it on the booze.

 

2) Get him tested for STDs. It's not just you, it's the baby too.

 

3) Keep in mind that the story of what happened down there will probably get around. Brace yourself.

[tiger_lilies]

Oh Kate, if I could yell at your husband for you, I would!!!! I was thinking about you today believe it or not...you are in my prayers.

 

You should NOT have any sympathy for him. He had sex with her not because he was drunk, but because he was not thinking about you, he was thinking only about satisfying himself! That is VERY selfish!

 

Can he even admit that? What is his reasoning behind cheating on you? Does he ever realize the pain he's causing you? I don't think so since he probably has never felt this type of pain.

 

Gosh, I wish you could pack up and leave him...at least for a little while. The loneliness of you being gone should be devestating for him...and he deserves it! I am so angry at him for you!

 

Please write here anytime you need to. This forum has been a great source of help for me and many, many others.

[Beec]

Good luck.

 

Sooner or later you will need to begin to trust him and show him some trust, if it is ever going to work long term. I don't know when or how to tell you to begin to do that. But, sooner or later you'll need to get there. If in ten years you still make him tell you when and where he is at all times, you'll have big problems looming.

 

FWIW, I can tell you sometimes people can change. I know when I was 23 and in love with someone I adored, I still cheated. I was away for the weekend, a woman gave me a come hither look and I went. After that weekend, I still had the idea of getting mroe from her and continuing cheating. A couple years later, someone cheated on me. That feeling made me never want to make someone feel that way again.

 

Perhaps your husband will learn from this and change. Hope so. Make him prove it.

 

On the other hand, please note that you will need to sooner or later give him the chance to prove it. You must give him enough rope to hang himself, someday. Keeping him tied to you 24/7 is not the right answer for a long-term solution. When and how you give him the rope, I cannot tell you. Now is not the time, because of how immediate the pain is, but the time should come.

 

Right now, do not fight your desire to be the boot in his butt. He deserves to get kicked there and elsewhere.

[SPark]

No advice here, except please know that I think that you are very brave!! You`re my hero!

 

Damn straight you`ll never forget...the slip of a moment it may have been, but, oh, the timing, and oh, the stupidity...and you didn`t brain either one of them with a garden tool, how restrained!!!

 

Alcohol can sure lower inhibitions, but what your husband did borders on self-sabotage, and I hope that in the future he will get counseling to find out what was going on with him and how to work through it with himself and with you and your family, who must be just shock (but maybe this didn`t go beyond your sister?).

 

Not to excuse him, but just wondering...do guys sometimes just FREAK OUT when there is a baby on the way? I can well imagine that the impending responsibility might be a bit overwhelming, since babies last a long time, and I guess being a dad does spell an end to those carefree days of yore, although most would -be daddies are not exactly cut out to stalk the singles bars anyway...A lot of the public attention goes to the mom-to-be...of course, I think that it is pretty darned overwhelming to be a mom-to-be, and at least the dads` ankles don`t swell, but I would be interested to hear whether other forum members think that your husband is a special case, or if it is a common thing (in which case I`m making an appointment to have my tubes tied

(jk...I think...)

[sisterlynch]

There is really no excuse for what he has committed against you and the child. He is a liar and a theif in my way of thinking.

 

In the next few months get him to counseling and get some real answers from him, if he has a drinking problem then deal with that.

 

Crying is not an excuse nor is drinking. He knew what he was doing. I guess he wanted to get caught.

[DN]

I do agree with Beec that at some point you will have to trust him again. I understand your feelings but making him "live within your guidelines" will not help your marriage in the long term. Apart from anything else, people who want to cheat will find a way, but if you really want to save your marriage I can almost guarantee you that this attitude, while fully understandable, will corrode your marriage even further.

 

You both need to see a counsellor to get through this. This is a great advice forum, and people are very helpful. But this is far too complicated and serious a situation for advice at such a remove. People are outraged at his behaviour and justifiably so - but we are not hearing from him - and why he did this. A good counsellor will get him to tell you the real reasons why this happened, and will find a way, if a way exists, to enable him to prove to you why you should be able to trust him again. We don't know if he has a drinking problem, or if he is freaked out by the imminent arrival of a child and all the responsibility that entails, or if he was just carried away by lust, or any other reason why it happened. We can suggest these things, and one or more may be true, but we don't know for sure. You need to know before you can start to move past this betrayal.

 

If you decide to stay in the marriage, then it could take a long time to get things right - and you will need help in getting over the rough times ahead.

[HajiMaji]

Id like to second what DN said. Theres no way i could have said it as well as he did, but if you both have the attitude to try to fix the marrige, it is possible. Its gonna be rough.

[Cecelius]

Generally, I agree that long term, the whip can't get cracked over the guy, but at the moment, at least, he owes her some payback and some reassurances.

[Mun]

Hi Kate,

You and your baby have been in my thoughts and prayers.

 

Thanks for the update. I think that it is possible to save this relationship as long as he is truly sorry. That's the key--he regrets it...but it's going to take alot from both of you to get past what has happened and build intimacy again. I wish you lots of strength.

 

I too suggest you take this to counseling. You can use the forums as a place to vent, but you both need help right now to move forward.

 

Once you have gotten past this I suggest you leave this incident behind you. Don't bring it up as a barganing tool, blackmail or anything of the sort--you will never have a healthy relationship that way. Instead bury it and never speak of it again or it will always be in the middle of your relationship--and it will drive you apart. I know that won't be easy, but that's my advice.

 

Take care of yourself Kate.

[dreamweaverdude]

Kate,

 

There is no excuse for what you man did. I know.... I"ve made my mistakes and i might not have exactly stood in his shoes, but i've hurt those i love before and its a very humiliating time.

 

If you can want it to work, it will takes LOTS of work on both of your parts and let me say this, i would require him to seek counseling. If he loves you and this was just a mistake, require it. He needs to know WHY he did this, and he needs to deal with it.

 

As for you, you may need counseling to. Don't ignore the need. It can be worked out but it will be painful, and stressful.

 

Good Luck in whatever route you choose.

[sisterlynch]

What are the ages of the people involved in this? If the guy is over 22, then he should really know better. If he is below 22, or has other emotional issues that she knew about, and is willing to deal with, then they can probably repair the pain that she will feel from this.

 

Over the years, she will never be able to trust him, since he took clear advantage of her vulnerable time.

[whatfor]

Ok not sure how to put my thoughts into words.. but i will try... well if it happened to me... i think the first thing i would question in this situation - his love for me... i cant see how someone can do this to someone they love.. love also means respect.. and there was no respect for you in his actions.

Also, sure he is so sorry now, cause his [Removed by Moderator] got caught. Imagine if you didnt go out that night looking for him... what would he be like? just come back home, get into bed with you... everything is fine and life is perfect... and he wouldnt be apologising right? cause sure you didnt catch him... he wouldnt be sorry.. he would just be living like nothing happened but being a lier and cheater.

[melrich]

Hi Kate,

 

I want to reinforce what DN, Beec and Muneca posted.

 

First it is understandable that right now you want him in your sights and he has to earn some trust back. However, you cannot be responsible for keeping him straight longer term. At some point you will have to loosen the leash and let him take responsibility for his future behaviour. That will be the time that most tests your decison to stay together.

 

Secondly you will to a certain extent have to "bury" this incident. As much as I find what he did disgraceful, your relationship will not survive under the cloud of his guilt. You don't want to, or need to, think about this right now, but you will have to "forgive" him at some point if you are to succeed in holding this together in the long term.

 

Agree with the other posters here. Get some counselling for both of you. For the reasons above and because you are about to have a new baby and that alone will test the strength of your realtionship to the max.

 

All the best with the baby and stay in touch if it helps.

[nikki19]

How awful! I can't even imagine the pain you're in. What your husband did is horrible. You should not have to deal with this kind of stress ever, let alone right before giving birth to your baby. This should be the happiest time of your life! Your husband should be pampering you, taking care of those 3 am cravings etc. I honestly have no sympathy for him. Maybe I should not be giving advice as I am sooooooo mad at your husband.

Stress during pregnancy should be kept at a minimum. As you stated, your blood pressure shot up, and that can be dangerous. If I were you I'd probably stay with a relative or friend or have him leave the home until the baby is born. Right now you have your pregnancy to deal with. You need to think about your health and the health of your child, and you need time to think, and to relax. After that you can work on councelling, working through problems and deciding whether to try and save your marriage.

That's just me. You may feel that having him around is the best thing for you.

[I_love_rain_hugs_and_you]

Is it possible to change the title of your post...at first I thought that your husband was 8 months pregnant...LOL

[Beec]

your relationship will not survive under the cloud of his guilt

 

I disagree with this.

 

The relationship will not survive if in years from now she is still beating him over the head with this incident. If in ten years from now, he has been a faithful, loyal, loving guy, then this incident will need to no longer be mentioned.

 

However, the cloud of guilt should not however leave him. This is something he should still be reflecting on in twenty years and still feel guilty about then. By then he should see it as a life-changing experience, but he should also feel guilt and be thankful toward her that she stayed and that he is still with his wife.

[SPark]

Beec-

Again, what can I say? You are absolutely right. That`s the way it has to be if they have any future. That`s the way life works. You pays your money and you takes your choice. He did it, now the challenge is not to overcome or move beyond his "moment of weakness", but to fully realize what he has done and to continue living and trying anyway. That`s being a real man. Tough, but then no one said life was easy. Good call. Subtle call. Great call.

[Beec]

Beec-

Again, what can I say? You are absolutely right. That`s the way it has to be if they have any future. That`s the way life works. You pays your money and you takes your choice. He did it, now the challenge is not to overcome or move beyond his "moment of weakness", but to fully realize what he has done and to continue living and trying anyway. That`s being a real man. Tough, but then no one said life was easy. Good call. Subtle call. Great call.

 

Thanks. Keep praising me like that and someone will need to come and deflate my head.

 

"Hello 911, my head's too big and I can't get out of the doorway."

[SPark]

LOL..think I just recently made a post on deflating air-balloon-sized heads, since I used to have that sort of inflationary tendency myself. I think my advice involved hand-holding, honest, heartfelt talk, a nice glass of wine, and a plate of cheese. Something tells me you are already all set with that kinda stuff, Beec!