It feels unreal and empty

[loip9114]

Ok so the dreams actually became less. Someone gave me advice on it and said it might be because I was pushing thoughts away during the day and thus they had to come out later on. Which were my dreams.

The bar thing took off, I now meet up with a couple of people there and we have fun together. It's really nice

 

I also just figured one thing out. I am at bloody 90 days NC! I totally forget that's still going xD

I just for the hell of it read a bit back through my thread. Man it's been a bumpy bloody road and I am still standing. It still hurts etc. I still have enough to get through, but it kinda now feels as if I can actually go forward. The feeling of being lost is diminished, the NC is easy to maintain. I am enjoying myself a bit more.

I would be lying if I said I didn't miss my ex nor still being anxious a bit of not seeing her ever again. But honestly I think it might be for the better to not see her again. It would at this point break me and in the future I don't know. She really destroyed something here.

 

Anyhow couple of good developments:

1) I thought I pissed off my boss last week, because somebody approached me to work for them for a while. Well he wasn't, he would have rather had that he had been approached. Because apparently there are more people who wish to hire me xD. So we made a deal and somewhere in the near future I'll be making more hours in the job I like

2) The research results are looking pretty damn good by now. So I just need to get it in figures now and we can actually really discuss how to write and present it.

3) I've been sporting more again, and really starting Judo now. We had a ton of fun this week Also I now have an appointment with my fysiotherapist, because I want to not f*ck up my shoulder. Therefore preventing it will be best. For that I need guidance and help.

4) Lot's of drunken fun and socializing with new people! Wednesday I went out a bit and was with a group of people I just met. It was fun. And yesterday as well, I messed with some guy xD He thought I was English and I went along with it. Apparently best impression of an English man he had in 20 years. Hehe

5) My feelings are back, but I am no longer stuck. I cry more than I did last month, but it's not really that bad anymore. It feels more like truly releasing things rather than bottling them up. I don't know exactly, but this might be a good development.

 

 

That's where I am at today.

[loip9114]

So today feels like a slight step back. Today I've been hoping more and more to hear from my ex and hoping that we could figure it out. However, there is simply one question which I cannot get over which is 'How can I ever trust someone again who's broken my heart so massively?'.

There is definitely still some love in my heart for my ex. This cause both pain and anger, which in turn again cause me anxious moments and hopeful moments.

 

It feels kind of sad to actually being required to let go of something that has meant so much to me in the past, yet it still seems I have no other choice. Overal I am doing far better than 4 months ago, but by god do I wish it was over. Sometimes I am also anxious I will never find someone else. I know I have to keep moving forward, I know I have to keep a strong heart, all of this I know. But man it's still hard sometimes.

 

Overal things are good, I just wished I would be over this so I can live my life freely. I am far from dating someone, it feels like I am really missing a part of live, but I am just not ready.

[Makeit]

Just read thru your thread. Ahh the dreams. I am not looking forward to them as it has only been 2 days for me. But I know from experience they are coming. It seems like youre progressing as normal. Some setbacks and bumps in the road. I think you hit the nail on the head with the question of how could you trust someone whos hurt you so bad. Being a mess myself I am not going to give you tips on what I think you should do. I know how it feels to want someone back. I have been trying to tell myself that even if we got back the same problems would surface and that Going thru another heartbreak again might be more then I can handle. I am telling myself that but I know at this point if she contacted me to get back I would cave. I am hoping to get to a point that if this does happen (unlikely) I will be strong enough to refuse.

 

Keep the posts coming

[loip9114]

Just read thru your thread. Ahh the dreams. I am not looking forward to them as it has only been 2 days for me. But I know from experience they are coming. It seems like youre progressing as normal. Some setbacks and bumps in the road. I think you hit the nail on the head with the question of how could you trust someone whos hurt you so bad. Being a mess myself I am not going to give you tips on what I think you should do. I know how it feels to want someone back. I have been trying to tell myself that even if we got back the same problems would surface and that Going thru another heartbreak again might be more then I can handle. I am telling myself that but I know at this point if she contacted me to get back I would cave. I am hoping to get to a point that if this does happen (unlikely) I will be strong enough to refuse.

 

Keep the posts coming

 

Thanks for the kind words Yes a couple of setbacks, yesterday was a bit one of them. But overal it's progressing normally yes and very little moments where I believe I sabotaged myself. I believe that as well. If we would get back together most likely it will fail again. Because there was something that wasn't working, unless that something completely changed then you will always keep failing.

 

Currently I am also still getting to that position, I believe that I might not cave, but I would consider it and possibly try it. But I feel that I must get to the point to be able to refuse. I've been telling myself the whole first couple of months 'It will faill again, it will fail again'.

I think the best thing we can do is to keep telling ourselves the things we want to achieve. I kept telling myself things like: I'll get through this, I can do this etc. to keep going on. While at the same time trying to convince myself to keep doing things.

[Radiate21]

I had my first bad dream since the breakup last night...He was sitting on the couch with one of his coworkers that I used to be worried about and they were both laughing at me.

 

I feel like things would be so much easier and more clear if I could separate the feelings of missing him/wanting him and being afraid for the future. I think the heartbreak is so much worse when we feel like we will never have something so great ever again. If I could convince myself that I will, I'd be so much better off. The fears are really the worst part of all of this.

 

Stay strong, guys.

[loip9114]

So overal the days start feeling more and more normal. It's like getting used to a new pair of shoes, you have to walk some time before it gets comfortable.

With this I only want to say that I am getting used to this new status quo, am I over it? Hell no. There is still this feeling deep inside of sadness and a loss of love. I believe that somewhere in my mind I am still having this pedestal effect. Where my mind focusses more on the pretty aspects, or even only focusses on my own mistakes rather than hers. This makes it look as if the whole relationship was a god-send. As well as the idea of not being able to do better than her ever.

 

I know this is of course not true, but regardless. If my feelings would listen to my mind more, well then I wouldn't have a problem at all.

 

As for dating, I haven't dated at all, nor do I really want to. It's not that I don't feel the urge for it, I do in a sense. But I believe I am not ready, not merely because of the left-over feelings, it's also because I believe I have to change things personally. I have to reduce anxiety in relationships, I have to better deal with my own self-hatred and other things. That and the freedom I currently have is helping me advice very much in other areas of life at this point. I might actually be able to get some regrets or dreams of my wishlist.

Also I don't want to date untill I am finally happy with myself. I've been looking for happiness in a relationship, that's wrong. I want to internalize that happiness now.

 

 

I miss the relationship, but it seems I more miss A relationship rather than the one with my ex. I am still not ready to face my ex at all, so I hope I won't bump into her. I have enough feelings to still go through. But now 4 months after the breakup my mind is finally starting to truly accept that moving on and leaving this part closed and behind is the best route to take. I've accepted the breakup about a month or so ago, but now I am starting to see a bit of the benefits of it. I am still sad, I am still hurt, I am still angry and there is definitely still a connection/attachment there. But this is reallity, no way to change that.

[Carus]

You are right...We always look back with rose colored glasses...But in time, so do they if it was a good RS overall....

 

Having been through the healing process a few times I can tell you you're doing the best things to help with it...especially avoiding the rebounding...My last extreme breakup, man I went on some funny dates thinking I was doing the right thing...

 

You may have heard that saying "The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else"....That may work for some, but not when you're heartbroken.

 

Look up Craig Kenneth on YouTube...I've found him a huge source of comfort during this difficult time.

 

Keep it movin' Loip....We're here walking with you....

Carus*

[loip9114]

You are right...We always look back with rose colored glasses...But in time, so do they if it was a good RS overall....

 

Having been through the healing process a few times I can tell you you're doing the best things to help with it...especially avoiding the rebounding...My last extreme breakup, man I went on some funny dates thinking I was doing the right thing...

 

You may have heard that saying "The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else"....That may work for some, but not when you're heartbroken.

 

Look up Craig Kenneth on YouTube...I've found him a huge source of comfort during this difficult time.

 

Keep it movin' Loip....We're here walking with you....

Carus*

 

Thanks Yeah that's one of the things I do hope, that I will be remembered fondly.

 

Yeah rebounding is definitely not it for me. I would feel worse without a doubt.

 

I know him yeah, I've watched quite a few of his videos. They are very soothing and help put me at ease. He seems to have a healthy approach towards relationships, nothing of that manipulation kind of stuff or being disrespectful. I like it.

 

Yesterday was a bit tough due to work, most of the times whenever some thing happened at work I could come to my ex for comfort. That's gone now of course, but luckily I could talk about it brief with some people and that was fine for me.

It's getting progressingly easier to not want to reach out or not stalking tbh. So that's a major plus in my eyes.

[loip9114]

So I've been in quite a loop for the last couple of days/weeks. The same thougths keep coming back and sometimes it almost seems as if I have even more desire to reach out or stalk or anything. Tomorrow I luckily have another session planned and I think I will get to take another step towards moving on.

For the longest time I had trouble with thinking about letting go and really moving on etc. But recently my mind is set on moving on, to finally break the last part of the attachment and let this relationship be in the past. As I said I sometimes still wish we were together, it was a good relationship even in hindsight I can still say that. However, the 'was' is paramount for reality, it has ended.

 

Yesterday was kind strange. I went to the bar I usually go to, just to chill again and get a beer. There weren't a lot of people around so I just sat at the bar. Some girl walked in and apparently we've met before as she seemed to recognize me. We talked and at some point she said that she really needed to get some food. I thought she was just going home or something, but then she invited me to join her. I accepted, and we ended up talking there for about an hour or so. After that she went home, but it almost seemed as if she hesitated to invite me over. We agreed that we'll see each other again another time. So it almost felt like a date or so. strangely enough.

After that I went back, and I met up with some other people who I've been seeing these last couple of months there. We chilled and talked, eventually I ended up kissing with one of the girls I've been talking to for so long. We ended up at my place chilling further and having sex. So that's the first time now in months.

Strange nights

[Carus]

There's life in you yet Loip*

 

8-)

[loip9114]

Overal I am still moving, but the last few days I'm feel a bit less. Like a small setback occured after all. I started thinking more about my ex again and sometimes the urge to reach out became stronger again. It also seems as if the hope to re-connect got a new surge of energy.

All in all, it is not as strong or anything as before and I will not reach out nor will I stalk. But man the urges came back again, luckily all the techniques I've used previously are just as succesful as before and it's easy to keep myself from doing anything.

 

It just really feels a bit sh*tty again. Hope this feeling fades again soon.

[Jomerta85]

I have noticed that women who initiated the breakup almost always seem to morph into something completely different than what you thought she was. Usually very quickly and this can leave you literally feeling like this new person isn’t the woman you fell in love with and sometimes this fact can subconsciously cause you to feel the person you love is still out there suspended in time . Perhaps just waiting for enough time to pass or hanging on until you come up with the right combination of actions and words to reactivate her feelings of love, compassion and intimacy that now haunt your dreams. Unfortunately the “new her” probably isn’t anything new to her and she is now free to do the many things she felt she couldn’t while in the relationship. While I agree that it’s very painful to see how quickly she has moved on when the wounds of the breakup haven’t barely begun to heal for you, I’d like you to keep a few things in mind. First ,many times people inflate their lives on social media, secondly her new behavior could be her way of distracting herself from the pain of losing you, and third ,you seem like a deep guy that is able to express how your feeling emotionally without yelling and screaming which she might not have appreciated but many women would because this is actually not that common in men. If there is any chance of getting back together it will happen because she finds out that you have found happiness without her and are being treated right by someone else who appreciates the qualities you possess.

[dave4443]

I have noticed that women who initiated the breakup almost always seem to morph into something completely different than what you thought she was.

That part is definitely true. I think the worst part is seeing them or hearing about the way they are now and not being able to 'fix' things anymore so to speak.

Definitely remember social media is usually a lie, most people don't post if they're depressed or sad and post how great their lives are now, it's very rarely as good as it looks.

 

Eventually maybe years down the line they'll become the person we once knew again, but by that time I'm sure we will be perfectly fine and have someone better in our lives

[loip9114]

Oh yeah, I never look at her social media anymore haven't looked now for already about a month again. While the time before that was 2 months ago. I rather not look at it because I honestly believe it's all a facade, and secondly if she does have someone new I would see it and be devastated. So best is to refrain from that.

Furthermore, I also believe that her new behaviour might definitely be a way to act differently as to figure herself out or run away from the pain. It is so insanely in contrast with how she acted previously that it's weird and odd. Though on the one hand you could also say well that means the whole thing did reach her on some level.

 

I've talked to someone and actually kind of refound what my goal was, maybe that was also the reason I felt a bit worse. Being confused of what you want and where you want to be. My goal has been for a long time to get to a point where I will be in full acceptance of who I am. To use this breakup and the whole devastation that it brought me, to use it to rebuild myself in a way that I best see fit. Being completly self-caring and self-accepting, no more self-hate and all that. Being better at conveying emotions and also to proper process them better. So in a sense becoming psychologically healthier and emotionally more adapt. That way I might be able to truly view a relationship as more of an enhancement of life rather than the end-goal.

That way regardless of how sh*t this period feels and is, it will serve me a purpose.

 

I just need to keep reminding myself of that personal goal.

[loip9114]

So it's been a couple of days now again. And in a sense things are better and a bit tougher again. Overal the whole confusion part is a bit gone again, so a lot of the negative feelings have disappeared. With negative I mean those feelings of being lost etc. The really not helpful ones.

 

Unfortunately the reason why I had a lot of confusion was because I was fighting a part of myself, that part being the hope of reconciliation. The hope that she might return one day. I had been denying this because I thought it would be best to not give it a spot, to not allow those kinds of thoughts presence in my mind. However, by denying them their spot I only confused myself more and more as in a sense I was denying a part of my grief.

The sadness I can deal with by now and whenever it pops up it is quite easy to get it over with, just cry for at most 1 minute and it's gone again for atleast a couple of hours.

My anger is a bit trickier as I've become very good at belittling it, apparently whenever I get angry I start smiling rather than looking angry. This not only gives off mixed messages, but also sort of telling myself to not be angry. This is a thing I have to work on.

The love I still feel, I truly believe this is more for a memory rather than the reality at hand. Furthermore, I believe at this point I should rather call it an attachment or connection rather than love. As it just isn't the same feeling any longer. But there's little to do there than letting it be.

The hope however is tricky as it gives way to bargaining or deluding oneself to think of scenario's where one would return. However, as I previously denied those train of thoughts I started having problems with confusion. By allowing those train of thoughts I give it a spot, and overal the confusion is less. Problem is, it should not get out of hand.

 

Overal, things are getting a bit better again it seems. I really need to keep my own goal in mind, that while I can still hold an attachment or hope the only path is to move forward and focus on myself. Which up till now I've been doing quite well. I've been working hard and long hours, but all that pays off. I've been sporting and getting my exercise, been socializing etc. And overal things are alright for me. I am just really far from over it so it feels. There's just still so much emotions and feelings still to go through, also there's still so much more to learn about myself and I'd rather focus on that first for now. I can manage pretty much everything right now, and otherwise I know how to get the knowledge to manage it.

There is still a strong urge to re-connect as I said there is still hope, but I am very capable of not breaking NC. Furthermore, I still sometimes have urges to stalk and see what she's up to, but as I said previously it would sooner destroy me and I'd regret it than that it would help me. I know that now.

I've made some mistakes overal during this process, but very few. I should have gone with NC sooner, and I shouldn't have stalked for as long as I did. But that was all in the first month, so other than that I did fine.

 

Furthermore, I am definitely not ready yet to date anyone. It would be a quick easy way out that I know, but I am not ready yet to commit to someone else nor would it be fair to act like it. At least that's what I feel.

It's really tiring that it feels I still have to wait some more for the feelings to really subside, I've done a lot already to try and get them to lessen. But it seems there really is no way to speed up the process, only ways to slow it down. My self-care became less, but recently I also picked that up a bit more.

[Carus]

As a counselor, if you walked into my office and told me all this^, I'd feel as happy and as proud of you as I am right now

 

If it helps any of you guys in NC, I continue to hear from my ex all the time....doesn't do me any good....

 

Keep it movin' Loip* You're doin' great

Carus*

[loip9114]

Thanks for the kind words!

 

It really feels like I just had a slight slowing down last week and now it's moving up again into better territory. So it truly is the ups and downs.

I do have to say that with accepting that the hope is a part of the emotional/feeling spectrum, there has been a slight increase in re-unification fantasies. However, these also seem quite natural post-breakup so I will just make sure they don't get out of hand. Same as with all the other emotions, I am keeping tabs on them with my mind. And for the most part these last few months I am listening to my feelings, but deciding with my head.

 

Time is really the best healer, I still do have to say it sometimes feels like it's moving really slowly.

 

Also a small thing, I am starting to acknowledge that part of the times when I think of my ex it is because she is a sort of placeholder. If someone talks about couples, marriage or anything that involves a relationship. Well the first person I see myself doing that with is my ex, but this is merely because she's been the 'default' setting for 3.5 years. Therefore, whenever someone brings it up she'll be the first I would turn to. Now there are definitely still moments where I genuinely miss her, but there are just a lot of moments whenever I think of her because she's the placeholder for 'love'. The most recent example if you may.

This also kind of reduces the struggle with stopping to think about her. It is still sometimes a bit difficult keeping the focus on myself, as anxieties still occur, but overal it definitely is the best course of action.

[loip9114]

Ok strange way to wake up, it was really late. Pretty much slept through the whole day. But first I woke up missing and longing for my ex, due to that I just turned around and slept a bit longer.

After that I woke up with this idea. That in a way I now created a life where my ex is no longer physically a part of it. She's no longer present. Moreover, it's actually something I enjoy. Because I wouldn't want to give it up easily.

Then I realized that the only thing that actually makes my ex still a part of my life is my own mind. The only connection that is left is truly just in my mind.

 

So the only part that's still left of her, aside from things she ever gave me but those are mine, is the mental part of it. The psychological connection. I knew this for a while of course, but now I truly felt it.

[loip9114]

I just want to share the positivity I feel right now. I had a beautiful Judo training, today an older partner and I were finally able to be at the training again at the same time. We've both been busy like hell. We trained together and it was a blast, we were actually rolling on the floor laughing, but at the same time we were able to really train properly do the techniques as they should be done. It was awesome!!!

 

In other news, tomorrow a new rehearsal for that band. I practiced a bit, and I am actually playing more guitar and bass again every day. It's all coming back to me! Which is great as well.

 

In the job life things are also good. People have been busy more often now, so I am scanning more again. Furthermore, with some of the problems I actually am managing quite properly also, so I feel very competent again in my job. This is also reflected in the offers I get. A month ago I got one to do some scanning for another study, of course means more pay and hours. So great! and that's gonna start about in a month or 2. But yesterday, well yesterday I got an email of someone who corresponded with my boss to also have me work on their project xD. So yeah, that's going great!!!

 

Sports, going good. I've been seeing my fysiotherapist and overal my shoulder injury is doing alright. So most likely it's just stress whenever it hurts a bit more. Also tonight I was able to do the whole bloody training without problems!!! WOOOHOOO.

 

Now why I was here of course was the breakup. Tomorrow I'll see my psychologist again. I had to work on that anger. Last tuesday I was furious, stuff wasn't working as it should during the day and I was pissed off as hell. So I rewrote the later about the anger I still held, and man did it change. The red-line is still the same, but the phrasing and everything is just completely different. There is more frustration there, more anger and more spite. It felt like a proper letter. After that my anger subsided a lot actually.

As for other things, yes I still think of her from time to time. But whenever I am doing alright I don't, so it becomes less and less. There still seems to be a bit of a defeated feeling like 'pity it ended', but there just feels so little I can do. All the things I am doing are the right thing to do. But there are also these very strong lingering questions as to she sort of broke the strongest promise she ever made to me. She said 'I'll be with you forever, through thick and thin'. But now that the thin came she gave up, so how can I trust her again to NOT do that again? I cannot find an answer I believe that just tells me enough. I just hope I'll move on soon enough so that if things come through or I bump into her, I'll be able to maintain my compsure.

 

That's now the most important thing for me, I got my life on rails. As you can read in the first few paragraphs, I thought things were going my way. Now they are! Also there are some girls who are chasing me now xD kinda need to keep my distance there. I am liking this new kind of life and I want to stick to it for a while. Get myself build up completely and make a proper choice about my future. Make a solid base for my carreer, get my own place to life, and get my goal in life clear and get my mental health fully on track. I am now trying to work on my own attachment style.

 

 

(I also fully understand that perhaps in a couple of days/weeks this high might get a little bit less again. But those are just the ups and downs, the backs and forths of the whole process. Yet it holds true! 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Eventually you'll get there!!)

[Carus]

She said 'I'll be with you forever, through thick and thin'.

Hmm...where have I heard that before..?

 

Oh yeh...that's right

(I also fully understand that perhaps in a couple of days/weeks this high might get a little bit less again. But those are just the ups and downs, the backs and forths of the whole process. Yet it holds true! 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Eventually you'll get there!!)

Yes...Like the roller coaster...It goes up. It goes down...But always forward*

 

Thanks Loip

Carus*