It feels unreal and empty

[loip9114]

I am too drunk to think, straight. Stupidly enough I closed down my phone, I am too drunk to know the password. Fair enought, my slight moment of being sane did help me. No way to contact now, except through social media....

Nope not doing it.

 

I was thinknig about indifference, I do not be to indifferent to you, just be indifferent to what outcome live has for me. Especially compared to you, I do no want to desire you back more than to not desire you back. I do not want to desire you as a friend more than to desire you outside my life.

 

What I desire is to be indifferent towards the outcome and also to you...

Too drunk to think straight tbh. No contact, never break this. Especially not when you're drunk. You are not in position to talk.

[loip9114]

F*** my head.

I am glad that whilst being drunk I have enough discipline to turn of my phone so I do not stalk or call. I'd advice anybody to make sure that when drinking either leave your phone behind or shut it down. Make a lot of mistakes so you need to enter the PUC-code. Fool-proof way of not looking or phoning anybody. Haahahahhaha bloody idiot that I am.

 

Also I know when you're drunk, you're not thinking straight. But remember those conversations you have when drunk? Or the ones you see people have together when they are drunk? Not much sensible comes from it right? Or remember when a drunk person talks to you while you are sober. It is mostly gibberish, incohesive and makes no sense at all.

Now imagine, you talking to your ex in that way. S/he is sober, you're drunk. Failed conversation, and if you ever wish to get back together. Not your best bet, only shows your bad side.

So next time you go drinking remember that

 

Other than that the thought I was dealing with is this. Most of us here strife to be indifferent. Indifferent in the sense that the situation no longer hurts us. But indifference can be applied to many different things. You can be indifferent to your ex, no feelings or emotions. Or you can be indifferent to the sex of your attraction, not wanting anything. Or you can be indifferent to the outcome.

Now I believe being indifferent to your ex might not always be the best course of action. If you had a good relationship and the breakup was mutual, then I'd say why be indifferent? No reason to warrant it. Even when being dumped and you have a loving relationship, you might not want to be indifferent. Emotions do not have to fade, sometimes some people come along in your life and they teach you a lot. They give you love and kindness, and then they are gone. Which is pretty much what life is. Things come and go. But some people fade out of your life, but the way they remain with you is in your heart. I believe that all the people who've died live on in my heart. As they cared for me, so will I cherish their memories and these emotions.

Exes aren't all bad! Some deserve it to have that little place in your heart.

 

Some do not, bad breakups, (no offense) but cheaters and abusers. They should be left and you have to become indifferent to them.

Now the indifference I truly desire is the indifference to the outcome. This is a beautiful thought, as it makes you receptive of any outcome that might occur. Being indifferent to the exact route and outcome means you can walk any path. It means you can be flexible, you can bend and flow with the currents of life. This means in my eyes, you can actually achieve your goal far easier. Because you're not rigid, you can adapt to reach your goal. Motivation to get someone or somewhere is great, but you must also be willing to lose it if you wish to achieve it. If you cannot lose it you'll be rigid, unbending and you will not adapt. This means the other person also is unable to react to you. Also if you are indifferent to the outcome it means that any outcome is good. You will not compare your given outcome to the desired one.

So you are more accepting of reality.

 

That's my little rant. I tried to get out yesterday, but couldn't

[loip9114]

Today was empty and tiring. Somehow I realised I hadn't cried for 2 days or so. Which seemed like a step forward, so I cried 3 times today

 

I don't know, it feels as if I am becoming more apathetic. Like I am more and more moving towards complete indifference. I am questioning whether it is even possible to really get back together and it might not just be better to start completely fresh.

Other than that I actually feel void-like. Ghostly, empty and lethargic. I need to keep this under surveillance for myself. As I mentioned earlier, I had a 'black dog' maybe it's a pup now, but they can grow really really fast. Perhaps the emptiness comes from the fact that I haven't really had exercise the last month. Which starts again next week or the week after. That might give me that boost I require.

 

I know I am an individual, but it feels like I am losing sight of my happiness and my goals. My true desires and goals in life. It feels like I am questioning these things, what is that I truly want? Am I on the right path? It is quite confusing, but possibly the answer might be very interesting.

 

There is still pain, there is still missing, there is also still some anger and sadness, the urges for contact etc. There is still a lot there, but it feels so diminished compared to last month. Maybe it is truly every month a step forward. Hopefully it is, I am tired of being in this position. I am really really sick and tired of this. Also kind of angry she put me through this sh*t. Maybe in a month I will not care anymore, would be nice. real nice. I am looking forward to it.

 

 

EDIT:

I also forgot. I now believe there are two things in conflict. My 'wants' and 'needs'. If I desire to reconcile and get back together, that's a definite want. But that does provide an obstacle to truly and complete move on/forward. To truly progress without being dragged down. Because I want to keep progressing.

There is something I want even more, and possibly it's even a 'need'. The need to be happy. But really happy, internally. Something nobody can take away from you, being happy with yourself and the course you're taking. The way you are, yourself. Not 'happy' in the sense, of a new job, car, house, guitar, chocolates or anything like that. No truly happy.

Also the need to feel stable, to feel normal is far more important.

And this desire might interfere with that need. So possibly the best thing to do is to relinquish that desire, in order to truly move forward. To a better me, to a happier me, to a me that is content with himself. More complete.

[loip9114]

I am going to call this stage the interim. And it is a very strange one.

Rarely have I read about this period, might be something else, but if anybody has an idea. It like to hear it.

 

So what it feels like is this: Literally in between two places, like a change is imminent.

It feels like I am not far enough to not care, but I am also far enough to feel alright.

 

It is this nagging feeling in the back of my head, the feeling is not intense enough to be painful, but just present enough to be annoying. Like a sound which is there, but it is not loud or annoying enough to do something about it, but also not so soft or insignificant that you can ignore it.

I am far enough right now to see clearly that I have no other option than moving forward to progress in my life. Moving most likely towards a new relationship. Yet I am not far enough to actually start making steps to actually start dating again. Nor have I changed enough to say that I am significantly different. But also not far to say that I have completely and utterly processed the breakup. Yet I am far enough to not be crippled by it, far enough to feel tired and annoyed with the situation. Far enough to start seeing clearly that my hope is something that most likely will not come to pass. Far enough to be willing to let go, yet not far enough to actually let it go.

 

So yeah, that's why I call it the interim. Change is imminent and I am looking forward to it now. Note to all we read it, I still cry pretty much every day. I still feeling for my ex every day, I still miss her and I would still have seen the past be different. But it is not! This is reality, and there is no way to ignore it.

[loip9114]

Ugh this all sucks...

the better I feel the more I want to have contact. I still feel this deep attachment to my ex and my urge to break no contact has actually increased!

My anxiety is returning somehow, my confusion is returning, it feels as if I am going backwards without any clear indication as to why?

[loip9114]

I feel a lot of internal conflict again. Perhaps that is why it feels like I am regressing back. My emotions are stabilizing quite nicely if I think about it. Less hurt etc, but now my mind is turning against itself.

 

There are a lot of things going through my mind and I cannot seem to get a straight picture of what I truly want and need. My focus is drifting as is my mind wandering about. Maybe I've exhausted my mental support, maybe it is the one month of not exercising that's getting to me. I don't know. I am a starting to feel a bit lost. Luckily I have some councelling again this friday, that was also a month ago.

[loip9114]

aaaah f*ck!!! my over critical self-hating mind has returned.... It's tearing me apart now. It's starting to be really critical about everything I did wrong.

Now I remember that my ex tried doing things together, but as I was also not very energetic I rejected some ideas here and there. And things took longer to get planned with me. Maybe I've pushed her away with this.

On the other hand I also tried doing thing with her, and she rejected that. We did still do things together from time to time. I was sweet and understanding most of the time.

Yet I also rejected some major ideas.

 

I am also spiralling in the dark hole which I am most afraid. Some suicidal tendencies returned, hate those voices. Hate them hard.

I am losing sight of who I am and what I want.

 

I am not happy with who I am. Nor do I know what will make me happy. Goddammit! Seems my mind from before the breakup is back, so progress in a way... blech

I am really starting to doubt myself again and a lot of things.

[Ricksanchez]

Hey, all these posts could of been me writing. I'm feeling all the exact same things, haven't had a such time as you, it's been a month for me, a month after 7 years. 6 months ago we were talking about travelling, a marriage and a family. I had even ordered an engagement ring. We had a rough year, she was in a really stressful job and I've had a serious medical condition that I haven't been handling well. We prob took it out on each other a bit but I knew we would get through it, ultimately I thought we would be really happy together. But then she had another big set back and she felt like our relationship just wasn't making her happy.

 

All I want to do is talk to her. All our friends are the same so it's impossible that I won't be around her regularly ish.

 

I too constantly think about all the things I did wrong, how I took our relationship for granted, how I didn't react strong enough when she said she wasn't happy, that she hated when we fought and always thought it was a major problem. I mean all couples fight and we were having a particularly tough time! I really feel like we could ofnmade it work and we wouldnof been really happy together. But I suppose I have to remember that real love, real relationships take work, and you have bad times but if it's worth it you work through it. What hurts the most is that she didn't think it was worth it, where as I did.

 

What do you do when you lose your best friend, the person you are closest with, who you share everything with. How do you recover from that. They say it's like similar to a death of a loved one. But I don't know, it's similar but the self doubt being broken up with inflicts on you is a huge blow to deal with as well.

 

You have been dealing with this for longer than me and it sounds like you've just relapsed a bit. From what I understand this happens and will happen. Each time you'll hopefully recover quicker. Keep seeing your therapist and if you need to go on meds do. The chemical imbalances this sort of thing can induce are huge and sometimes we are just not equipped to deal. Our bodies still run off of a lot of basic instincts that aren't exactly helpful, panic, anxiety are all symptoms of a fight or flight instinct that is gone haywire.

 

Things will move on. Maybe we will never get over our exes. Maybe we will meet somebody else. Who knows what the future holds. But we can be happy again, that is something I do believe.

[loip9114]

Hey, all these posts could of been me writing. I'm feeling all the exact same things, haven't had a such time as you, it's been a month for me, a month after 7 years. 6 months ago we were talking about travelling, a marriage and a family. I had even ordered an engagement ring. We had a rough year, she was in a really stressful job and I've had a serious medical condition that I haven't been handling well. We prob took it out on each other a bit but I knew we would get through it, ultimately I thought we would be really happy together. But then she had another big set back and she felt like our relationship just wasn't making her happy.

 

All I want to do is talk to her. All our friends are the same so it's impossible that I won't be around her regularly ish.

 

I too constantly think about all the things I did wrong, how I took our relationship for granted, how I didn't react strong enough when she said she wasn't happy, that she hated when we fought and always thought it was a major problem. I mean all couples fight and we were having a particularly tough time! I really feel like we could ofnmade it work and we wouldnof been really happy together. But I suppose I have to remember that real love, real relationships take work, and you have bad times but if it's worth it you work through it. What hurts the most is that she didn't think it was worth it, where as I did.

 

What do you do when you lose your best friend, the person you are closest with, who you share everything with. How do you recover from that. They say it's like similar to a death of a loved one. But I don't know, it's similar but the self doubt being broken up with inflicts on you is a huge blow to deal with as well.

 

You have been dealing with this for longer than me and it sounds like you've just relapsed a bit. From what I understand this happens and will happen. Each time you'll hopefully recover quicker. Keep seeing your therapist and if you need to go on meds do. The chemical imbalances this sort of thing can induce are huge and sometimes we are just not equipped to deal. Our bodies still run off of a lot of basic instincts that aren't exactly helpful, panic, anxiety are all symptoms of a fight or flight instinct that is gone haywire.

 

Things will move on. Maybe we will never get over our exes. Maybe we will meet somebody else. Who knows what the future holds. But we can be happy again, that is something I do believe.

 

Hey, I hope seeing someone else go through it might also give you some prospectes and help. Feel free to post here, I mainly keep writing to keep my mind at ease. But it is good to hear other people's story and perspective.

And true, you suddenly lose so much in an instant, it's just insane. You're partner, best friend, most trusted person in the world, a huge emotional support and so much more. Not only that, but you can start losing yourself as well.

 

I think you are completely right with the relapse, as I've heard it is to be expected. While most things do feel diminshed in comparison to the beginning it does feel like it got a bit stronger compared to a week or 2 ago. Could also be that I haven't been exercising properly the last month (my dojo was closed, opens next week again) and my routine isn't really that stable. Also my therapist had a vacation, also my boss as well, so this month has been a really slow-burner. I had to keep my pace.

 

I need to find a new drive as well, because I just a lot of the hurt feelings as fuel to propel myself forward but as that becomes less and less, so does the fuel. I need some other more internal motivation, but I do not know what yet.

 

Luckily this friday I see my therapist again, I am going to discuss a couple of anxieties I still have have as well as this sense of being unhappy. So hopefully I might be able to get some progress again. Next week I can get my exercise routine back and a large part of my support system (my fellow sporters), also when my boss returns I might be able to start discussing some prospects again for my future carreer.

 

Thanks The relapse part is very true, didn't see it as that.

Best wishes to you as well. If you ever want to talk, I'll listen.

[loip9114]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH YEAH!!!! Reached the goal of No contact untill 1st of September. That makes 60+ days. So where am I now? Still not over her!

Keep going NC? Hell yeah!

 

It helps me! Also I do not stalk, because I am capable of neutralizing any fearfull thoughts or anxieties due to ignorance. If I do not know anything, I might only make assumptions and assumptions can be dead wrong. This means the fears and anxieties are not grounded in reality. Therefore, everything is just as likely. Kind of the uncertainty principle in quantum mechanics. A particle can be in 2 states at the same time and unless we measure it we do not know in which state it is. So which state is it? I do not know, so should I worry about it? Not really, as the worry won't make me see which state it is. Only stalking will. Which I am not going to do. Why? Because if I want to know anything about her, I should ask her directly. Do I want contact? See previous.

This is the labyrinth of thoughts I created, the web that keeps my insane mind trapped and not doing anything stupid.

Also if all possibilities are likely events, and only assumptions change the chances of them happening. Then I might also just see them all as equally likely, thus neither A or B is more likely to happen. But most events are opposites of each other, so in the whole scheme of it all. It levels out, neutralized.

 

Logical? Dunno, it works for me

 

Anyway, I had a talk with my therapist. I've been to harsh on myself again, too strict with myself. I let myself be exposed a lot in the lost month. I did not run away from everything, but I did not search for it either. Yet I got a lot of indirect exposure. This combined with a loss of relaxing and distracting activities, it is not really weird to relapse a bit.

Also most of my anxieties are probably the anxiety of relapse, or setbacks. I want to keep progressing and progressing, so every bit of setback is horrible for me. And trying to get over this completely within 3-6 months might be a bit of madness on my part. Might take longer.

[Ganamede]

And trying to get over this completely within 3-6 months might be a bit of madness on my part. Might take longer.

 

It seems that you're right where should be so congrats on your 2 months of NC !

 

You have probably read all about this and I believe it to be true... that the healing journey is different for each person depending on their attachment style and taking into account past abandonments

so it's all really a question of time, perspective & re-motivation

with the underlying questions being

"Who am I now ? Who have I become ? and how has this experience affected me ?"

Of course the answers inevitably become that there are 3 possible outcomes of virtually any situation...

it can get better, stay the same or get worse.

 

 

Personally I'm at the 6 month mark and struggling every day with a lack of motivation to do all the things I used to enjoy. I know myself and I know it will be several months more before I feel like the old me.

 

Best wishes in the coming months !

[loip9114]

Thanks

 

Aye, still need to figure out my own attachment style. Should get to that some time soon. It will help me greatly knowing it.

And that's true, I feel like it got a bit worse the last couple of days. Currently I am feeling a lot of exhaustion, loneliness and emptiness to be honest. But I think all of those are natural parts of the process.

 

I hope this doesn't sound rude or anything, but hearing you say you are at 6 month mark and still feeling things kind of helped me feel a bit better. Because it shows that 6 months is natural. I heard all these people shouting about 3 months or so and all it did was get me more and more crazy. It made me think I was going slow and taking too long. But hearing that it gave me some relief, that it is alright to take my time. So thank you

 

Time, perspective and re-motivation. I like that one

 

The first two questions are difficult to answer, I believe I have some knowledge on who I am and what I've become. Yet I also am uncertain as to what and who I want to be in life. Where I want to go and what I want to accomplish.

As to how it affected me, I have learned some things about myself. I do believe I've got to love myself more from the experience, strangely enough also have gotten more confident and more self-respect/esteem (while I got dumped). Due to the immense pain I had let go of an insecurities and self-hating thoughts for a while. It changed my perspective on myself. That I am not as horrible nor as incapable as I thought I was. I still have self-doubt, but my self-hate has diminished greatly. Making room for self-respect, self-esteem, confidence, and self-love actually.

 

There is still enough to learn and enough to do. The loneliness and emptiness are now my biggest things. The sadness is still very much present.

I am still not there yet, but as I feel my energy running lower I must say this to myself. I will get there.

[Ganamede]

Thanks As to how it affected me, I have learned some things about myself. I do believe I've got to love myself more from the experience, strangely enough also have gotten more confident and more self-respect/esteem (while I got dumped). Due to the immense pain I had let go of an insecurities and self-hating thoughts for a while. It changed my perspective on myself. That I am not as horrible nor as REMOTIVATION

incapable as I thought I was. I still have self-doubt, but my self-hate has diminished greatly. Making room for self-respect, self-esteem, confidence, and self-love actually.

 

MOTIVATION !!! The final obstacle in all our life's situations...

Think of it as just an "unworthy" obstacle... and remember the strength and drive you had ... growing up.

 

It helps me enormously to take an attitude of abundance...

When you really think of it, all of us here at EnotAlone are not starving for anything.

Life will go on !!!

I already have women attracted to me and very willing so I know deep down

it's just a matter of time to heal .... just re-center myself !!!

 

I recently heard another tidbit which I also believe to be true

 

"Action first then motivation follows"

 

In other words... don't just sit around doing nothing ... get up ... do something and a definite motivation will "kick in" ... not a magic formula... but it tends to put things in your favor.

 

I have tried this and it works for me !!!

 

When was the last time you washed ALL the windows in your home ?

Let the SUN shine in !!!!!

Cheers !!!

[loip9114]

MOTIVATION !!! The final obstacle in all our life's situations...

Think of it as just an "unworthy" obstacle... and remember the strength and drive you had ... growing up.

 

It helps me enormously to take an attitude of abundance...

When you really think of it, all of us here at EnotAlone are not starving for anything.

Life will go on !!!

I already have women attracted to me and very willing so I know deep down

it's just a matter of time to heal .... just re-center myself !!!

 

I recently heard another tidbit which I also believe to be true

 

"Action first then motivation follows"

 

In other words... don't just sit around doing nothing ... get up ... do something and a definite motivation will "kick in" ... not a magic formula... but it tends to put things in your favor.

 

I have tried this and it works for me !!!

 

When was the last time you washed ALL the windows in your home ?

Let the SUN shine in !!!!!

Cheers !!!

 

Very true, I keep going on and on. And things do come my way. I have actually worked out again today, the dojo is finally open again. So tomorrow I am going as well.

Overal I am getting better and better, I now have more stable and peaceful calm mind. It still has it's feelings, and the thoughts are still there. But the feelings are less, I have stopped crying actually. 3 days no cry. So that's a nice change.

 

I found new motivation. I want to have peace of mind, I want be calm again. I want to enjoy my life again. That's my motivation. Rest and relaxation, peace. That's where I am going to!

 

I went out yesterday, and talked naturaly to a lot of people again. I actually went to the bar thinking. I will only drink a beer, no want to talk. Bam talk! It just happens, and it is really nice.

 

Overal I am definitely still busy, but my motivation has shifted and the goal is not really clear. Getting healed and being at peace. I am looking forward to it already.

[loip9114]

Ah man, drunk me is weird. But also a good way to survey all my emotions. Yesterday was fun, went to a bar and immediatly had a conversation. Approached a lot of people and also a few girls. Things were great.

When I walked home, suddenly this thought came to my mind. 'I dont want her back' and it didn't feel sad, it didn't feel wrong, it felt like the right thing to do. The natural thing to do. To stop hoping and chasing that reconciliation. There are enough people around to talk to and have fun with. Also enough women and I am in no hurry.

 

It feels more peaceful.

Anyhow things are looking up. It is still frustrating me, I still sometimes wish things would be different. But they aren't, this is reality. This is where I must be in my life and I can finally set my eyes on the future again.

As I said earlier, I am not done yet. It is not gone yet. But I now know for certain, it will be gone. I think I really reached the stage to truly let go.

[loip9114]

I didnt post for a while. Most of the week was a bit of a meh-state. Everything is moving along, I have a presentation for a project I've been working on tomorrow. Things seem alright. The invitation for a band is now official and we are going to do an exploration rehearsal next week. To see if things can go well. Also I might get a second flexible contract to make more hours aside from my standard ones. All in all things area looking up.

 

Yet yesterday night I made a crashlanding so hard, I've not made such a crash since a month or two ago. Despite things looking up I cannot answer the question 'Why am I still moving?' What is my purpose now and reason to keep living. Living life just for living it seems meaningless and empty. It just seems like . The whole day was sh*t, but the night when getting drunk I just crashed hard. Could be the day, could be the fact that after a couple of drinks we went to a place which was literaly around the corner of where I used to live together with my ex. After that I just stumbled home, some guys phone was stolen so he asked for help. Which I granted of course, and we actually had to return to where it was stolen. Which was again very close to where I used to live. Then I stumbled home again and I just kept passing these places where we went to and I couldn't take it any longer.

 

I just hit another low for now.

[sicx]

I didnt post for a while. Most of the week was a bit of a meh-state. Everything is moving along, I have a presentation for a project I've been working on tomorrow. Things seem alright. The invitation for a band is now official and we are going to do an exploration rehearsal next week. To see if things can go well. Also I might get a second flexible contract to make more hours aside from my standard ones. All in all things area looking up.

 

Yet yesterday night I made a crashlanding so hard, I've not made such a crash since a month or two ago. Despite things looking up I cannot answer the question 'Why am I still moving?' What is my purpose now and reason to keep living. Living life just for living it seems meaningless and empty. It just seems like . The whole day was sh*t, but the night when getting drunk I just crashed hard. Could be the day, could be the fact that after a couple of drinks we went to a place which was literaly around the corner of where I used to live together with my ex. After that I just stumbled home, some guys phone was stolen so he asked for help. Which I granted of course, and we actually had to return to where it was stolen. Which was again very close to where I used to live. Then I stumbled home again and I just kept passing these places where we went to and I couldn't take it any longer.

 

I just hit another low for now.

 

Ohhhh yeah, I know that one, 100%. You feel like no one will ever be like your ex? The 'one' has slipped away and everyone else is second best, or doesn't even hold a candle to them? You'll never find a connection with another person like you did with her?

This is tough, defiantly, I often feel like this recently and it's a hard thing to take in. The thing I think to comfort myself is how we clashed on things, or how she wasn't remotely interested in a lot of my interests or hobbies, and I think the amount of girls that are more compatible with me has got to be insanely high.

Think of your friends, how many friends have you made lets say, in the past 3 years, that are closer to you now than a friend you've had for 6 years. I've had a friend from school who i've know for a good 9+ years, and about 4 years ago I was introduced to his neighbour, who i'm not going out to see in Australia next week and i've formed a closer bond with than the original friend. It's the same with relationships, you'll find someone more suited be it in the next 6 months or 6 years, however long you need.

 

But yeah, memories, constant reminders, I know this all too well as well. The mind always seems to kick itself when its down huh? I've been struggling with this non-stop today too, infact, I cried, I think that's twice this week now. I think we all know the solution is to stay occupied, but this is so often easier said than done. I hope you're doing a bit better now bro, I read you're thread a lot so feel free to vent if you feel down still. Stay strong

[loip9114]

Ohhhh yeah, I know that one, 100%. You feel like no one will ever be like your ex? The 'one' has slipped away and everyone else is second best, or doesn't even hold a candle to them? You'll never find a connection with another person like you did with her?

 

Aye that's true, I believe another part of it is that before the breakup pretty much all the plans I had in life did have my ex in the picture somehow. Either a major player in them or as someone to share those times with. Naturally, you'll understand that that part of course is no longer reality. Thus those ideas have altered. But I do try to remind myself of one thing. All those plans were my own and can still be achieved regardless of who stands alongside me. As I am the one who needs to achieve them.

But yes, those questions are definitely playing in my head. Furthermore, a complete defeated feeling still remains. As I said at the start, I tried, I fought and I got defeated. Though I will always try to see it as her loss. Namely, she lost me.

 

This is tough, defiantly, I often feel like this recently and it's a hard thing to take in. The thing I think to comfort myself is how we clashed on things, or how she wasn't remotely interested in a lot of my interests or hobbies, and I think the amount of girls that are more compatible with me has got to be insanely high.

Think of your friends, how many friends have you made lets say, in the past 3 years, that are closer to you now than a friend you've had for 6 years. I've had a friend from school who i've know for a good 9+ years, and about 4 years ago I was introduced to his neighbour, who i'm not going out to see in Australia next week and i've formed a closer bond with than the original friend. It's the same with relationships, you'll find someone more suited be it in the next 6 months or 6 years, however long you need.

 

While I haven't made any new friends in the past 4 years, I do have friends of 6 years old who are supporting me better than ever before. Who I have a connection with regardless of how much we see each other. So I do understand you.

I also think that there is no 'better' girlfriend, but as you call it 'more compatible'. I try to refrain from saying better as it implicitely means you are comparing the new to the old. And nostalgia always makes old better. But yes, I forgot to mention there that I almost asked a new girl her phone number. Yet didn't bring myself to go through with it. While it is not much from the outside, it did feel a bit different internally. As it means that internally something is growing in that sense. But yes, I'll take as long as I wish. I do believe I need at least a couple of months longer. Which is fine.

 

But yeah, memories, constant reminders, I know this all too well as well. The mind always seems to kick itself when its down huh? I've been struggling with this non-stop today too, infact, I cried, I think that's twice this week now. I think we all know the solution is to stay occupied, but this is so often easier said than done. I hope you're doing a bit better now bro, I read you're thread a lot so feel free to vent if you feel down still. Stay strong

 

Aye true, I've been breaking down on a more regular interval than twice a week xD but as of late it is actually become less frequent. So I also see that as progress.

 

 

As of today I am feeling a bit better, still a bit down. But this whole period is pretty much an upwards process, yet I am not beyond that threshold of being alright or good. Overal things are going good, I get opportunities based on the fact that I place myself in places where I am able to receive these chances. Same goes with going out to meet new people, at home I will not meet them quickly. Yet whenever I go out I always happen upon that. Regardless of me wanting it or not. This just means that at this point I am creating a new place to have fun.

 

The thing I am getting most sick of is the fact that whenever I imagine anything, my ex's image comes to mind without me wanting to or anything. Nor that I am trying NOT to think of her. But it just happens. This is really getting annoying as it kind of makes it hard to forget about her or at least to live my life without this constant reminder.

Also this weekend my get tough as my mind will play its' fear games on me. With an intro-weekend for our student association and her friends probably going, she might get dragged along. In my head this is scary for it solidifying the fact that it's over through her finding another. Yet I do not know anything, it might have already happened or not. She might go or not. Probably not, but maybe yes. I don't know neither do I want to know. I just want my mind to stop being so f*cking annoying hehehe.

 

Luckily I have other things to focus on, a course I really really need to complete. The project I am working has now definitely started looking like a scientific paper. Thus I will get my first scientific publication this year. Which is quite something

I just need to get distracted badly

[loip9114]

Whelp yesterday by accident I f*cked up. I saw her name in a FB post and I just clicked it. So I ended my streak of not stalking today. It started back in July, now it's dead again and we have to start over.

F*ck me.

 

All with all, nothing much new pictures, profile and with friends. But nothing with another guy or at least she seems to be single at this point. So that's something I guess. Other than that, she looks alright. Somehow the pull she used to have on me during our relationship seems to have weakened. She doesn't seem as attractive as I remember her to be.

I almost reached out, but I didn't so the NC chain is not broken and already steadily going towards the 90 days mark. If anything I will not break that chain.

 

I fell of the horse yesterday night, where I wished I hadn't...now it could have been worse. far worse. But it just feels a bit sh*tty.

 

Anyhow, plus side I could look back in our conversations as the fear of seeing her with another were negated (as I saw her, and she's not with another). So here we go the reason she broke up with me Literal translation:

I just wanted to say: I do not want contact now, because I notice I feel really down whenever we call or chat. You are sweet and I love you, you mean well and you are not a bad person, it irks me that we cannot be together, but it just isn’t work right now. I feel trapped and I need to re-find myself and breaks through patterns where I’ve been locked in. I need to put energy in myself and for that I require space, and if we are in a relationship than I cannot give it the proper attention it requires and that’s unfair towards you. And I know what you would want to say: ‘but then I can be different or act different’, but as long as we are together we cannot really change and you’ll settle in old patterns where you’ve always been in.

Also in the letter you wrote you very clearly stated how I act, namely distant and annoying, and I don’t think you deserve that. And I also don’t think I deserve to feel trapped and wanting to feel alone and then feel guilty because I don’t think you should treat each other that way in a relationship.

 

So that's the reason, she gave me 2 days after the breakup. And I just have to do it with that.

[sicx]

Whelp yesterday by accident I f*cked up. I saw her name in a FB post and I just clicked it. So I ended my streak of not stalking today. It started back in July, now it's dead again and we have to start over.

F*ck me.

 

All with all, nothing much new pictures, profile and with friends. But nothing with another guy or at least she seems to be single at this point. So that's something I guess. Other than that, she looks alright. Somehow the pull she used to have on me during our relationship seems to have weakened. She doesn't seem as attractive as I remember her to be.

I almost reached out, but I didn't so the NC chain is not broken and already steadily going towards the 90 days mark. If anything I will not break that chain.

 

I fell of the horse yesterday night, where I wished I hadn't...now it could have been worse. far worse. But it just feels a bit sh*tty.

Honestly, I don't see a problem with this. I've actually been unblocked by my ex now (without asking) and i've done my fair share of peeking, in fact I do it more often that i'd like to admit to be honest.

In the end, I personally dont see anything wrong with it, it's just curiosity and nothing more. You were with this girl for such a long time it's only natural to see how or what she's doing without you, don't beat yourself up mate. Try not to see it as a set back, you stalked once in what? 2 months? That's extremely good. Also, how do you not know she's not been looking at your profile everyday? In fact, it's extremely likely she's had a peek a fair few times.

 

You say here you didn't feel the pull she used to have on you, that's a big step forward. I also feel the same about my ex, of course she looks great, but i'm also noticing she doesn't look AS good as I thought when we first split, this is a win for me and you.

Keep up the NC too, I totally understand how much will power it takes not to get in contact, it gets TOUGH at times, so once again well done here.

Can I ask if anyone has broken NC? If so, who did it last? In my case, it was me who broke it (technically) twice, so I think to myself now, 'i've reached out before and its obvious to her I care, why should I do this again? If she wants to talk to me, SHE can break NC, not me'. If she wants to talk to me about something vital, let her do it first. They broke up with us, we don't owe them anything.

[loip9114]

Honestly, I don't see a problem with this. I've actually been unblocked by my ex now (without asking) and i've done my fair share of peeking, in fact I do it more often that i'd like to admit to be honest.

In the end, I personally dont see anything wrong with it, it's just curiosity and nothing more. You were with this girl for such a long time it's only natural to see how or what she's doing without you, don't beat yourself up mate. Try not to see it as a set back, you stalked once in what? 2 months? That's extremely good. Also, how do you not know she's not been looking at your profile everyday? In fact, it's extremely likely she's had a peek a fair few times.

 

You say here you didn't feel the pull she used to have on you, that's a big step forward. I also feel the same about my ex, of course she looks great, but i'm also noticing she doesn't look AS good as I thought when we first split, this is a win for me and you.

Keep up the NC too, I totally understand how much will power it takes not to get in contact, it gets TOUGH at times, so once again well done here.

Can I ask if anyone has broken NC? If so, who did it last? In my case, it was me who broke it (technically) twice, so I think to myself now, 'i've reached out before and its obvious to her I care, why should I do this again? If she wants to talk to me, SHE can break NC, not me'. If she wants to talk to me about something vital, let her do it first. They broke up with us, we don't owe them anything.

 

Yeah that's true, I just felt ty for losing that streak more than anything. I regret doing it, but you're right. yes 2 months exactly. The last time I took a peak was mid-July or something.

And that's also true, unfortunately for her there's not much to look at.

I could btw see that she still has a couple of pictures of me and her up on her profile. So she hasn't changed that or removed those pictures. Which is something I guess.

I guess I am really just reeling from the fact that I've been able to keep my no stalking and no contact policy so strongly, now I've broken one of them. I regret having clicked her name, I wasn't really thinking or anything. But still. I am really really glad I didn't see anything I really couldn't handle at this point. So overal it's not that bad. But I just have to return to what I did before and keep at it.

 

Yes I also think this is a step-forward. She was more plain-looking than I remembered. I wasn't like being infatuated again as I was before. The feeling of love is fading that much is clear, but I did still feel something. Which just clearly means I am not done yet.

 

As for the NC breaking I was the last one to break it. She only broke it once, I broke it. About 5-7 times. Anyhow from the conversations we had in June I now have the most important information again. So I don't need to look it up anymore, so I can really stay away from it.

But I won't break NC, because she clearly asked for time and space. I cannot guess how long that space she needs is going to be. Therefore, if I break NC know I might trespass on that space which she won't like. But yes, it's obvious to her I still care even if it's so long ago. I care enough to give her the space so requested.

So yes, if she breaks NC it's fine. But I won't. I should not do it.

 

 

Overal it's not as bad, the information isn't really forwarding me or taking me back. That's correct, the setback is my own regret. I was able to immediatly get over the urge to break NC. I got really f*cking close this time. So that's some willpower points which is nice. Also the whole anxiety is reduced because my mind now kind of knows she was telling the truth and not wanting to date someone else. So that is nice. All in all, not as bad as I perceived it at first.

 

Thanks for your kind words I needed it

[Gettinup]

Hey loip, sicx

 

Glad to read you boys are doing well and that your at a point where your ex does not have a stronger pull on you as they once did. Also good work on keeping up the NC.... sneaky peaks on FB dont count against it hehe!

 

I'm on day 12 of NC, like you guys had a couple of urges but didnt reach out. I like what you wrote there:

 

'i've reached out before and its obvious to her I care, why should I do this again? If she wants to talk to me, SHE can break NC, not me'. If she wants to talk to me about something vital, let her do it first. They broke up with us, we don't owe them anything.

 

Agree on all fronts.

[loip9114]

Hey loip, sicx

 

Glad to read you boys are doing well and that your at a point where your ex does not have a stronger pull on you as they once did. Also good work on keeping up the NC.... sneaky peaks on FB dont count against it hehe!

 

I'm on day 12 of NC, like you guys had a couple of urges but didnt reach out. I like what you wrote there:

 

'i've reached out before and its obvious to her I care, why should I do this again? If she wants to talk to me, SHE can break NC, not me'. If she wants to talk to me about something vital, let her do it first. They broke up with us, we don't owe them anything.

 

Agree on all fronts.

 

Aye, thanks. I had a talk with my counsellor today. I have an assignment to write to letters to get all feelings out once and for all. There are things I've apparently been surpressing without knowing, well it seems reasonable. My rational mind just overruled my feelings.

Regardless, I have to say this. While that bit of exposure did not destroy me as much as I had expected it to do, it did still show me one thing. I am not done yet. I am in the middle of the process and I have a long way to go.

I need to be patient, but that's the hardest thing to do for me. I am a person of action, I desire change when I see things aren't working. And to be honest I believe things aren't working.

But I cannot speed up or change the reality of things. The relationship has ended less than 4 months ago. I need to deal with that reality and it s*cks.

 

Furthermore, I am feeling sh*tty pretty much every day. I still feel sadness and anger, these are the feelings to get out completely. But also, the anxieties should be gone. I've heard a lot of people say that at 3.5 years of a relationship and seeing where I am at now after less than 4 months and I am still this young (well 26, call me young if you like). That I've heard more than enough people who've done far worse. But still, I don't feel good yet. I still have a way to go.

And I hate this whole f*cking situation.

Tbh I blame my ex for this whole situation the most, it was her decision anyhow.

 

I am not done yet, I need more time and I need to allow myself more time. These are things I need to remember daily.

[loip9114]

Oh man I really hit a gold mine of pain and anger here. I've been hurting more and more the past few days and it feels like more will come. The sadness is numbing as hell, while the anger is burning as hell. It feels so contradictory as my anger tries to propell me forward, while my sadness is keeping me halted a bit.

 

The anger also kind of feels like a consequence of the immense sadness that's still inside. As if to mask the pain I really feel, just to get a burning to get moving. So I would say the sadness is definitely overruling, the anger while a bit different more of a response.

 

My god, I never figured it could still hurt this much. Maybe it was fine being numb for a little while, just to get some rest from this. Now I need to keep this going and get through this bit again. I need to really stop being afraid of my own feelings.

Also I have to come to terms with the fact that a lot of future long term vision I had just will not come to pass. During this period you do not just grief the loss of the relationship itself, but also everything it entailed. You also grief the future you believed you two would have, but also the friends and family on their side. All the fun things you did together or would have liked doing together. All of that is gone in an instant and that's also part of the grief.

I now really need to come to terms with the fact that, no she won't be the last person to be by my side untill the end.

 

I do have to say I do not see this as a step back. Not at all, I really see it as a next step. I've been busy with the grieving period this whole time and I've been busy with seeing things change inside me. This step feels more of a next step, something I still have to do. It does feel as if when I am done here I might just have gotten the lion's share out. After that I can deal with the remnants and hopefully the anxiety and insecurity will be gone. I always gets a bit tougher before it really gets better.

 

 

As for the dating part, the urge is returning a bit more. But I am going to keep that to a minimum for now, I really do not feel ready for any sort of connection. If I get an opportunity I might just see how it all works out, but I first want to get all of these things done before I can truly get into another committed relationship. I'll wait a bit, not for my ex, but for myself. To really get myself in order, to really get my life in order and my psyche.

[loip9114]

I've been dreaming more and more about my ex again, tonight I had this very vivid image in my dream of her. Maybe I really did hit something hidden. Anyhow, I've decided to make a 4 step plan now which I want to work on. This is to make me stop overexerting myself, to have a plan and keep following it. Maybe it will help with my impatience.

1) Reconcile these feelings, all of them. This will take time, but I really still have feelings of sadness, anger and love. These feelings need to be dealt with first. Before that I cannot really do much.

2) Keep track again. I am journalling those dreams, I am writing down pretty much everything I think and feel again of the sadness and anger. This way I can look back and maybe find a pattern if I get lost.

3) Get my personal llife in order. So while my personal life is pretty in order, I just want to keep it running. Keep up with my job, get some things done for myself. Learn new things etc. I will slowly introduce changes, but not too fast. Still reeling from the previous change.

4) Change/cope with my attachment style. I've been reading more and more into this, I kind of figured out already but it seems I have a bit of anxiety in relationships. It is not at the extreme ends, but also not really on the healthy side. So I need to start dealing with anxieties better, especially in relationships. This is the last step, this only comes AFTER step 1 and 2 are done. I am not avoidant at all, so that's not something I should change. But it makes me contradict myself, whenever I feel anxious you'll seek closeness and when that is met with a negative response then you only get more anxious. This means you'll be 'pulling' when you should be giving space. So while I don't think that it's a bad thing to seek closeness of your partner when you feel sh*tty or anxious etc. But if they do not have the time or cannot help you at that point, I need other things to cope with that anxiety and be cool with it. So in a way become more self-reliant as to be more independent. This may sound a bit strange, but I believe now that if you are able to stand on your own feet, be independent and self-reliant. You can do everything to keep yourself proper and good, then that's a good bedrock for the relationship. Because whenever the partner is not feeling it, or has had a sh*tty day and cannot really deal with your sh*tty day as well, you don't fly in an anxiety streak. But rather accept that it is so, and deal with the thing yourself a bit to later return lovingly to your partner.

 

So that's that. First really get a hold and grip on my life again, reconciling my own feelings and getting everything steady again. I hope I can do the majority of this in the next couple of months. End of December is my aim to have reduced my anxiety, reconciling might take longer. As for introducing new things in my life, that might also be December or January.

 

 

Also those dreams are annoying me as hell. I thought they were gone for a while and I liked that. I could wake up alright feel ok. Now I still wake up every morning being reminded of what was lost. It feels as if every night she's back for a while and then every morning is like a mini-breakup again. It really really s*cks.