Sending letter to ex after 4 weeks. please comment:)

[Hopeful4love]

Hi everyone,

 

I was dating the love of my life for 2 years. Everything was perfect until we got to the 1 year mark and he started being silly like occasionally cancelling last minute. He always had a reason but was rubbish at communicating. He is generally terrible at communicating with everyone even his parents and prone to forgetting things and cancelling last minute. That and some other minor things kept reoccurring and when I look back they were so petty. Anyway I began projecting, I didn't know what it was until I read a book. We had months of on off fights. I couldn't get over them. Eventually he asked for some time to think. I panicked we had another fight after a week when he came back over something rubbish. He asked for a 2 week break. I panicked and broke up with him in a week because i thought he didnt love me any more. I didn't realise I was panicking or projecting. I realise all of that now. I want him to know. I want him back too but only when I've fixed myself but I want him to know. What do you think of this email. We were so in love.

Please tell me if I should send it:

Hello-a

 

Its been over a month since we had our chat in Waterloo. I walked away from Battersea park thinking I wanted to go from being in Othello to Figaro! I was so overwhelmed by my fear of the thought that things wouldn’t work out– I had become an Othello and Iago was in my head whispering negative future prophecies and negative mind reading. What a vicious cycle we had found ourselves in. The more Othello believed Desdemona was unfaithful, the more cold he was, the more she grew distant and the more that fed his suspicions. Something had put the thought in my head that you were not serious about me and you had already decided to leave me months ago and I let that influence the way I viewed every little thing you did. I can’t remember when or how it first entered my mind but I let it take over and spiral out of control like Iago as a voice in my head.

 

Each time you went off on one of your quiet sprees, or a break or disappeared. I panicked as it was a different way of dealing with stressors than I was used to. I cannot believe I didn’t just say Leo this is something new for me! I don’t know what to make of it! I have only ever been with continental men before who are extroverts when speaking about their feelings. I didn’t try to accept and understand you I just tried to make you fit into the mould I was used to as far as communication went. If someone had tried to change something about me so profoundly, I would not have wanted to be with them, I would have slowly lost my connection with them, felt suffocated and probably eventually fallen for someone else.

 

I didn’t try and understand myself either. I spent all that time missing you and wanting to welcome you back with love each time we had a period apart or had a fight and instead whenever I did see you I gave you the equivalent of an emotional karate chop which repelled you further and probably made you wonder how to deal with my oriental emotional responses. It must have come across as cold and unwelcoming. I was scared obviously of getting hurt. I suppose I just didn’t have the emotional skills to understand how to reconnect lovingly after a period apart or a dispute with someone who was not expressive in the manner. It’s only now that I’ve been languishing by a beautiful lake for a weekend pondering what I want to be and what I want in life that I can appreciate that it’s ok to be unsure of one’s feelings and that there are no guarantees in life just bets worth taking and if you don’t conquer your fear of losing and place the bet you can never win anything. You can’t withhold affection until you have a guarantee it will be returned and still expect to win affection. There is no certainty in relationships but if you keep demanding it before you are willing to return affection the distance-karate chop cycle is inevitable.

 

This month apart was really hard at first but with time I’ve remembered life is so wonderful that it’s not the end of the world if you lose someone you love, even if you miss them. The lakes are still sparkly and green in the sunlight and the sun still feels lovely on your legs. At the time I broke up with you I thought miserably like some Jane Austen heroine martyr ‘I have to end things so Chris can have the freedom to do what he wants and he clearly isn’t sure yet. This is not resolvable. I need someone who can love me enough to help me through these awful feelings I don’t understand. If I stay with him both of us will be doomed’’. I let Iago’s voice roam free in my head instead of nipping it and reconnecting with you in a loving way. It was something I had been doing for a long time. In fact every time I let Iago, the negative mind reader and prophesy-creater in my head, whisper to me it’s not going to work its too hard. There is no point’ I tried to break up with you even when I didn’t want to. I did it so many times. I’m so sorry I did that to you. That must have been heart-breaking. It was my misguided way of controlling a situation and feelings I didn’t understand.

 

I wish I had been emotionally mature enough to say lets take some more time when you sent me that text saying you love me and you want to give our relationship another try before Shropshire. I wish I had taken the time to think about my own contribution to the problems and gained some perspective before we tried instead focusing on what you were doing wrong. I wish I had said I love you and I love you enough to want you to be free to do what you want and decide what you want in life. Because that is exactly what I want for myself too. I wish we had read that book about arguments before you had your bike accident -it would have prevented our very last fight. I wish I could have remembered in January before breaking up with you that I was happy when you went off to climb the mountain in Scotland, so my discomfort at you doing the same thing in Ireland must have been influenced by my negative mind reading and future projecting, triggered by the self-fulfilling prophecy earlier setbacks had created in my head. I wish I could go back and tell myself to stop worrying so much because the truth is whatever happens life will be wonderful and we will, whether together or not, still enjoy the mangoes and lakes of this world. I wish I had remembered the power of my mind- it was my mind that took me from being the girl destined to be in a wheelchair to someone who can, albeit badly, climb cheddar gorge. I forgot if you believe something it will happen and you can make it happen. But there is no point in wishing, I couldn’t have gained perspective or realised how powerful negative future prophecies, negative mind reading or expectations of perfection are until I broke up with you and started to investigate what I wanted to do in life and so I couldn’t have behaved differently then.

 

Instead of taking the time I needed to I wanted to rush back in to avoid uncertainty and facing my own contribution to our fights. I was like Judith from Bartok’s opera trying to open every door without waiting in Bluebeard’s castle trying to know your feelings and make you show me everything so I could protect myself from the intrinsic uncertainty of my love bet and it just meant that like Bluebeard you were left alone and I went off to where your other wives (or exes) are stored in your castle. Every time I tried to push open a door there was blood and eventually there were tears. I wish one of us knew earlier how to reconnect and disconnect with love and we knew how to give each other the confidence that whatever happened in the future we would be kind to each other about it and the world wouldn’t come crashing down so we could focus on being happy and seeing how far our relationship could go without our fears destroying it prematurely.

 

I suppose the reason everything looked so urgent and I lost perspective was because as well as having a little Iago in my head I also had a little cupid and I believed that because our love was unique that made our problems unique too. A fallacy if there ever was one. Our connection might have been unique because we were two unique people in a unique situation but our problems were not unique to us. Something very powerful (I would venture the God Odin?) kept us both thinking of each other while you were away travelling in 2014.

A powerful connection made you draw hearts in the sand and with stones on a mountain when you were half way across the world with so many distractions. What inventive seduction Leo. It melted my heart it made me dream about you. I believe we connected so deeply because we could have so much fun with each other literally over nothing: a Leo treasure game, a fake Italian accent or silly wurzels songs, Laurence of Arabia in the desert – we connected over our craziness and playfulness almost like two children on their first play date. It’s the kind of connection that makes old couples laugh together in their wheelchairs. We made each other extremely happy even before we were dating at the ballet or the planetarium. It was more than just lust it was a very deep compatibility. I had decided we were compatible not just in the little things that make us happy but we are also compatible sexually, in our views of the world, the curiosity we share for strangers and places, our thirst for learning about geeky things, our fascination with history, the way we want to live somewhere abroad that is quiet and pretty and our definition of a good life-which is not focussed on material possessions but full of love and fun and experience. I had convinced myself you were irreplaceable.

 

How special our relationship was in my head became a double edged sword. Because I thought you were the one, there was so much pressure in my mind to make everything perfect. I forgot to live in the moment and step back and have some perspective. Every holiday had to be perfect, every slight and setback seemed more painful. It made the transition from happiness to responding to challenges even more pronounced and harder to understand - the change of gear that was required to adapt to transitions that happen in every relationship seemed uniquely insurmountable. It is only now that I look back and the debris from all that pressure and all those fights has lifted that I can even remember what made me fall in love with you and the feelings I had in that first year and a half when just being next to you left me giggling with happiness. I wasn’t worried about having the perfect holiday in Rome – I had no expectations or desire for perfection.

 

Had either one of us been better at relationships or introspection we would have been able to work through each of us triggering each other's deep fears about relationships and attachment. We might have never stumbled repeatedly but would have helped each other understand ourselves sooner and reconnect lovingly, before our connection was buried under the debris to the point where we each became more and more unhopeful it could ever be rekindled. Instead of it working out our own relationship operetta has ended. Leo and Fidelia have walked off the stage. I am glad in a way the opera was so tumultuous. If it hadn’t been the lessons to learn wouldn’t have been so poignant. I know now I have a tendency to feel overwhelmed if I am head over heals – hearts in the sand in love. I if I am sad about one thing the cause could be something other than I think and Descarte’s evil demon might be at play influencing my perception of something. I know now I have to learn to control my responses to an emotion before drawing conclusions just like a puzzle I have to practice solving every day. Thank you for making me feel so connected to someone that I was motivated to read books and analyse how it all fell apart to learn lessons for the future. Wanting to control the Iago in my head has helped me conquer other fears: I jumped into the deep sea in Lefkada, I signed up to a no smoking course and I managed to make it a habit to go to my yoga class daily -whatever tricks Iago tried to convince me to ‘quit because it's just not you to do those things’ I managed to control somewhat even if not totally. I’m sorry for a lot that has happened, particularly the effect my lack of control over my own emotions and thoughts had on you but I am happy there is something to learn from the experience. The best relationships are ones that make you grow – this one has reminded me what I believed for years and somehow forgot: your mind can control your reality.

 

If you have got this far you might be thinking why I am sending this. You gave me photos to leave me with a momento of our relationship, I’ve given you the inner workings of my mind – the Iago’s, the Bluebeard’s, the cupids. I am also writing to you as my first step in learning how to communicate with someone I love without blame and with the purpose of improving understanding. My first step in positive future projection is I am going to believe in my heart we will find our way to each other again in some capacity, once the dust has settled, just like we have done in the past, because the connection we felt was so unique and is hard to replicate. When you and I are ready to meet, in whatever capacity it is, I am sure we will rekindle the same fun and laughter we could share over something silly like getting dressed up as cats to watch CATS.

 

I would love to meet you again when you feel ready and your own emotional dust has settled, not just to reminisce and laugh at our past foibles but to toast such a wonderfully romantic and enriching journey into the pitfalls of a deep romance.

Thanks for your advice!

[seanryder]

Personally I think if you ever want to get back with him....don't send this!

[valavoo]

Personally I think if you ever want to get back with him....don't send this!

 

I would agree. I'm a big ol' romantic but I would advise against this note.

[vesper]

Don't send it! It is way too long and confusing to read. TRY to feel better about yourself.

[ThatwasThen]

You broke it off with him. Just contact him and ask to speak and if he agrees to meet then tell him that you made a mistake and that you'd like to try again with him as you've realized your mistakes and is he interested in a do-over. If he says yes he is, then all you have to worry about is the fact that he's not likely changed one bit and you'll just be repeating the same type of relationship you had with him before. You can change you but you can't change him.

 

Don't send that letter.

[Starlight925]

Totally agree with the others: DO NOT SEND THIS!!!

 

It's way too long. It's way too wordy. It's just way too much!

 

He will lose interest after the first paragraph.....if he even gets this far.

 

If you want to contact him, send him a text: "Hi, I've been thinking of you. How are you doing?"

 

This gives him a little bit of a note to let him know you're thinking of him, plus a question for him to answer. If you simply said "Hope you're doing well", then there would be nothing for him to answer.

 

You'll know from his reply, or non-response, how to proceed.

[abitbroken]

I am also writing to you as my first step in learning how to communicate with someone I love without blame and with the purpose of improving understanding.

 

If this is the first step in learning how to communicate, you are failing. I would say that you have not learned anything in the past four weeks that would cause a new relationship to be better. You miss him. I get it. You need to learn how to be direct as a life skill

 

Had either one of us been better at relationships or introspection we would have been able to work through each of us triggering each other's deep fears about relationships and attachment.

Here you are insulting him - you are telling him he doesn't have an inner life - he doesn't think about things in any depth. If you have deep fears about relationships and attachment, I suggest that instead of projecting that someone else has that problem, you seek counseling or figure out how to deal with this issue inside you.

 

Honestly, i would not contact this man at this point. You have not learned anything new in a month - if he does see you again - nothing will be different. If you cross paths again, that's one thing - but i would not try to chase a bad relationship. You just were not a match. He is not a bad person and neither are you -- you just are not a match

[boltnrun]

I couldn't get through this extremely long letter.

 

I doubt he'll get through the first paragraph.

 

An English professor I had in college told me...never say with 100 words what can be said with 10.

 

I can pretty much guarantee having the tedious task of getting through this long, long, long letter will not have the desired effect of motivating your ex to take you back. More likely, he'll think "No way am I going to try to plow through 10,000 words".

 

If you want to reconcile, how about sending a brief message asking to meet?

[Capricorn3]

I agree with all the posts above. Do not send. You guys are incompatible.

[eidetic]

Hi OP, it sounds like you broke up not very long ago? If you were the one to break off, while I do understand your turnaround, what if you just wait it out another week or so? He had asked you for two weeks of space. Two weeks is not such a very long time. Just let this rest, let you rest, for a little while yet.

 

Don't send any letters. Keep this one in your journal or in a box marked Healing. As time moves forward, you will understand things a little differently, and will want to say them differently. There may come a time when everything you want to say is not the series of realizations, but only one. I see your current letter as an excellent review and processing of things that occurred between you, and this is important for your healing -- but often the deep processing isn't helpful when shared. A reader may amplify elements that you wouldn't expect them to, or perceive even a single word as negative, and when the letter is long, there are more elements to be misperceived or misunderstood. So best to conserve language -- and I am the last person here who should say anything like that -- until you have found the kernel and essence of what you want to say.

 

The long detailed message is best for when someone has requested help or comfort or relief and may benefit from the full report. I am hearing that you miss him and are sorry, and feel regretful about the decision you made. But let him have the space he had requested, to his own thoughts and realizations about the relationship. Give him the grace of time to consider his life and maybe come back around.

 

Put this missive aside for a week or so and let it gel. Your thoughts will shift during that time, and you may return to the letter and find that you want to distill it somehow, or that having written it was enough, and without noticing, that you moved forward into a different perception of some of the events.

 

Don't send: wait. Rest yourself. Give the grace of time.

[MissCanuck]

I'm also on the Please Don't Send That Letter team. It's far too long and rambling, which means your point gets lost in the all the words and frilly language.

 

For what it's worth, poor communication and often canceling last minute are not minor issues in a relationship. You had a right to be irritated about that. How you expressed that could have been improved, but ultimately, I get the sense you're trying to minimize his role in the demise of the relationship and blame yourself to regain a sense of control. You want to believe this is your fault so that you can fix the problems. But he played a role in that too. Perhaps you panicked because you sensed he was losing interest.

 

I would let it go for now, but if you really want to say something to him, do so in far fewer words and be concise. Get to the point quickly and don't turn it into a campaign to prove your worth.