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My boyfriend broke up due to the feelings to his longterm internet best friend

Meggie

By Meggie
in Getting Back Together

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Meggie Rookie

Meggie

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I live in the Netherlands. I found the perfect guy on a dating website .... more perfect that I could have imagined. We were together 2 months. It was very intense from the beginning. I have never had such a good click, we shared so much secrects, and there were so many deep talks from the beginning. I have never felt like that …. So much in love…. And it was mutual…. I felt the love from him, he was telling me about that and showing me that. He was married for 10 years…. He is divorced now. He never had that strong experience / love with ex-wife…. Like with me the last 2 months.

 

He broke up because of the feeling to his best (female) friend from USA.

 

They knew each other for 15 years. They have met playing online games. After 2, 3 years they had feelings for each other. She later found a boyfriend, got married. For my perfect guy the marriages / relationships are holly, he does not interferes in this. He put aside his feeling for her. He later found love and got married. They met in real life 2 times in USA (2015 and 2016) when he and his ex-wife were there on holidays. 2 weeks ago she came alone to the Netherlands for holidays for 1 week and he showed her around the country. On the last Monday it was the last day of her visit in the Netherlands. He wanted me to meet her because she is his best friend. We had lunch together. It was nice. After that they left….. and she started talking about her feelings to him, he found out later that he also has feelings for her. She left to USA next day. Straight from the airport he came to me. It was still ok. I saw and felt his love so strong. We were talking that day about going to Poland on pension because there is cheaper. We wanted to buy maybe a piece of land in Poland and built there vacation house…. He even saw on that day our children …. Us going to that vacation house as a family with children. These 2 months together felt like we know each other forever. It was so intense in every aspect (sharing all the secrets, deep emotions, love, endless hugs, amazing sex, mutual attraction, watching movies, cooking ….making plans for the future… like trips, maybe opening the business together, seeing us old together…. I know that he was very happy with all that (and I was more then happy doing all that things together). I know that he has a lot of warm feelings for me. He told me many times that he loves me. He would do everything for me. He quited smoking for me, he was bringing me chocolates, flowers, he was cooking… and I was also doing a lot for him. I already met his parents. Who is doing all that things in just 2 months… sometimes people don’t achieve it in a year. I think we are perfect match. I am sure about that.

 

Last Friday he broke up (when we were still talking about our kids and our pension in Poland on Wednesday). He told me about these feelings to her. He said that he still loves me but can not stay. I told him that I want him to stay and give us a chance. That American girl has husband and 2 children. My perfect guy is not gonna interferes in her marriage… he will not ask about that because the marriage is not to touch for him – golden rule. He said that she loves her husband (although there were some issues in her marriage). He said that he could have stayed with me but that would not be fair towards me in his head and that is why he is breaking up. He said that he has no guarantee that they can be couple but now the fact that he has that feeling for her is blocking him and he can not be with me because his girlfriend should be the number one and the only one.

 

If she is not gonna divorce her husband and tell him from time to time that she loves him …she is gonna block him for other relationships…. And that would be very sad for him to live in a misery. Then he can not have her and he lost me, where everything was perfect. If she is not planning to leave husband then she should let him be with another woman, make it clear for him that even though she has some feelings for him it is not gonna happen…. Then he will be able later to have a relationship / he will heal and put feelings to her aside… but this time he is gonna decide this by himself and not like last time when he put his feelings aside to her as a result of his best friend got married.

 

He broke up last Friday on whatssup…. We met on Sunday to talk last time face to face. He spent here 5 hours…. We hugged also… in the end I asked him if I can kiss him last time… we did it and he started crying…. I am sure he still loves me…. It is so sad that such a perfect match can not go further

Now I am in pain… that such a strong love can not continue. That American woman has a husband and 2 children…. She does not work…. And is not happy with all that situation. My perfect guy is divorced now, he does not have children. What is the chance that she is gonna divorce and give him the happiness??

 

We want to be friends…. First cool down and then try to be friends… I want him back…. But I know there is somebody else in his head now…. It is so difficult.

He said that there are 2 options for him: or they are gonna be together (although he knows there is not much chance and also he does not know if they would be good couple) or this is not gonna happen and he is gonna be single the rest of his life or till the moment he will be able to put aside feeling to her. I wonder now how long this process in his head can last? Weeks, months???

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hyden Enthusiast

hyden

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American women. Ruining everything since 1776. It was two months. Almost everyone feels like they have the perfect bf/gf during that period of time. He realized that he cannot give another woman the attention and love they deserve right now and I find his honesty refreshing. Move on. Go NC. Don't try to be friends. You don't want to be friends. It wont work.

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Meggie Rookie

Meggie

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I know.... we did not plan that in details... but had these kinds of talks.... where usually you do that months later.... normally I would move on.... this time it is difficult because it felt diffrent this time.... real... ehhhhh

 

My heady is busy now thinking.... is she gonna divorce the husband? If not, how long is he gonna heal.....and be ready to move on with his feelings...

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Hollyj Grand Master

Hollyj

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You've only known this guy two months, and you say you are in love with him??? You are also planning on moving/buying land with someone you barley know??? Good grief! Your kids should not even know him this early in.

 

It is not a perfect match, and he does not love you. He loves her! if he loved you, he would want to be with you.

 

This is what happens when people rush into relationships. it was not real, and no chance of surviving. You do not even know who each other are.

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Hollyj Grand Master

Hollyj

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I know it might look not serious etc but it was.... you do not take a gf to your parents if you do not treat her serious?

 

 

 

You are not seeing this for what it is . Follow peoples actions!

 

Truthfully, I think he is using her as an excuse, as he realized he would have to follow through on his words. My ex did the same thing.

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MissCanuck Grand Master

MissCanuck

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Dear me.

 

You two hardly knew each other yet and were already talking kids and retirement - that is a major red flag. I know you see it as a sign of serious intentions and deep love, but it's not. It's the sign of someone who is impulsive and gets completely carried away, and lacks foresight and good judgment.

 

In other words, people who fantasize like this tend to be the worst kind to date, because they daydream big but that bubble bursts, sooner or later. And then they remember that reality is different from the fantasies in their head. And just like that, they're gone. Why? Because those fantasties weren't coming from a place of true love - you didn't know each other well enough for any of that yet. So it's easy for them to make their exits and move on, because they were never as invested as they seemed.

 

My guess is that they had a little fling while she was here and tested out their feelings for each other. He believes there's more to it. Whether or not she divorces her husband is irrelevant. He still chose to cut off the relationship with you, which indicates he was nowhere near as committed as he claimed.

 

I am sorry you're hurt. I do understand you were hopeful about him. But please, slow things way down in the future and learn to recognize warning signs when you see them. Rushing head-first is almost never a positive sign.

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hyden Enthusiast

hyden

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You've only known this guy two months, and you say you are in love with him??? You are also planning on moving/buying land with someone you barley know??? Good grief! Your kids should not even know him this early in.

 

It is not a perfect match, and he does not love you. He loves her! if he loved you, he would want to be with you.

 

This is what happens when people rush into relationships. it was not real, and no chance of surviving. You do not even know who each other are.

 

Pretty sure the kids were imaginary future kids, not real ones.

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Meggie Rookie

Meggie

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Thank you everybody for the insight...

 

I talked also to my friends... and most of them ...when listening to the story... were saying that he needs to calm down ....and there is big possibility he is gonna come back ....when he calmes down... after few weeks or months. I didnt ask the quastion: is he gonna come back .... it was their conclusion.

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eidetic Collaborator

eidetic

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Please understand that if he comes back, you don't want him.

 

What I'm hearing in your story is that you want a partner who makes solid actions and consistent quantifiable gestures toward you in securing a strong partnered future with you. And only with you. This kind of cannot happen just online, or with air travel visits. When it happens for you, the guy (not this one) is going to show up a lot more frequently in physical person, and all the things that lead to the pensioned life in Poland will occur more steadily and by solid agreements, step by step.

 

There will not be any third party so concretely in the way, or history of someone else being that valuable to him.

 

It sort of sounds like his best friendship may have been the crux of his divorce and of her marital dissatisfaction. And if they met in online gaming, that gaming in itself had likely been a major problem in both marriages. That's a no-go for you and for your own relationship values. It just is. That historically is not your perfect partner, not for years even before you met, and not even a good one for anyone else. It is wrapped in fantasy and also in active deceptions.

 

People like this often do come back. I know you have hope about this connection, but I am telling your future self, you do not want it. Better to close the book on this one and leave room and opportunity for your better partner to enter your actual physical world.

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Meggie Rookie

Meggie

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Please understand that if he comes back, you don't want him.

 

What I'm hearing in your story is that you want a partner who makes solid actions and consistent quantifiable gestures toward you in securing a strong partnered future with you. And only with you. This kind of cannot happen just online, or with air travel visits. When it happens for you, the guy (not this one) is going to show up a lot more frequently in physical person, and all the things that lead to the pensioned life in Poland will occur more steadily and by solid agreements, step by step.

 

There will not be any third party so concretely in the way, or history of someone else being that valuable to him.

 

It sort of sounds like his best friendship may have been the crux of his divorce and of her marital dissatisfaction. And if they met in online gaming, that gaming in itself had likely been a major problem in both marriages. That's a no-go for you and for your own relationship values. It just is. That historically is not your perfect partner, not for years even before you met, and not even a good one for anyone else. It is wrapped in fantasy and also in active deceptions.

 

People like this often do come back. I know you have hope about this connection, but I am telling your future self, you do not want it. Better to close the book on this one and leave room and opportunity for your better partner to enter your actual physical world.

 

Thanks Eideitic.

It is true I want a solid partner for years (preferably till the end of my life). I know it is not possible online... but our relationship (I know short one) was not online... his friendship with the woman from USA was mainly online. Me and the guy saw each other at the weekends and also during the week (few times per week). He lives 100 km from me... but was visiting me very frequently.

... and that is true I would like a partner who sees me as first and the only one.

 

I think they did not cheated their partners (husband / wife). They became best friends by sharing secretcs, supporting each other etc. He also didnt run to her when he become divorced man.... he subscribed to the dating website...and met me.

 

I am keep thinking about him.... because that woman is "not real" for me.... she is virtual.... (even though they met 3 times during 15 yhears), she is far away, she has husband and 2 children, she does not work.... it would be more complicated for her to leave everything. Also they have never had the relationship together....so they dont know if this would work out.... we had happy (i know short) time together.... (I know there is also no garantee that this would last.... but at least this what we had was very satisfing).

 

I know that this what you have said make some sense .... it is just difficult to embrace all that.

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