shemmyemmy23 Posted July 22, 2017 Share Posted July 22, 2017 So I'm in my early twenties and hadn't had sex yet up until this week. I went on holiday with friends where I started talking to this guy over tinder and I had made up my mind that I wanted to lose my virginity to someone I didn't know as I wanted it to be casual. It was really good (despite the pain) and he was experienced and treated me well and we decided to have sex again a few days later. I can't help but feel weird though. I definitely have zero regrets about it and felt like it went well enough, but is it normal to form some sort of attachments in these kinds of situations? I'm used to kissing guys all the time and not feeling anything. And I knew I wanted this to be casual, no strings attached. I'm just a little confused? Link to comment
melancholy123 Posted July 22, 2017 Share Posted July 22, 2017 I think since it was your first time, yes its normal to have some sort of feelings about the guy afterwards, after all you did have sex for the first time with someone you barely knew but it is always a big deal that very first time. Theres only one first time for anything you do. Are you going to keep seeing him or is it a short term fling? Link to comment
shemmyemmy23 Posted July 22, 2017 Author Share Posted July 22, 2017 Thank you for the reply. And I suppose that does make sense. It just felt quite confusing because I know I wanted something casual for my first time, so I couldn't completely understand why I was feeling this way. In relation to your question, we met when I was on holiday abroad so the likelihood of us seeing each other again are incredibly slim. Link to comment
melancholy123 Posted July 22, 2017 Share Posted July 22, 2017 Ok, so you won't see him again, maybe that's a good thing, and now you can analyze how you feel about all of it and decide if you want casual sex again or if you want a proper relationship. As long as you dont regret what you did and then kick yourself for years, you should be just fine. Link to comment
zippitt Posted July 22, 2017 Share Posted July 22, 2017 Well sex tends to release a bunch of feel good chemicals into the body, some of which have a tendency to generate feelings of attachment, what your experiencing is pretty common, especially in women. It's often one of the reasons people recommend saving sex for a few weeks if your dating someone you are actually interested in, to prevent clouded judgement. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted July 22, 2017 Share Posted July 22, 2017 I dunno, I guess my age is showing. I can't wrap my head around the thought process of not wanting your first time to be within a loving and emotionally connected dynamic. I'm curious: What made you think doing it with a stranger would be the way to go? Link to comment
thornz Posted July 22, 2017 Share Posted July 22, 2017 I dunno, I guess my age is showing. I can't wrap my head around the thought process of not wanting your first time to be within a loving and emotionally connected dynamic. I'm curious: What made you think doing it with a stranger would be the way to go? I think this is quite common, I know a few people who chose this. This is out of the very few I know who made an informed (sober/consensual) decision about it. No romance involved in losing your virginity for most lol Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted July 22, 2017 Share Posted July 22, 2017 I think this is quite common, I know a few people who chose this. This is out of the very few I know who made an informed (sober/consensual) decision about it. No romance involved in losing your virginity for most lol Different times, no doubt. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted July 22, 2017 Share Posted July 22, 2017 I was wondering the same thing, ThatwasThen. And when I was younger, I had many friends who chose to go the casual sex route for their first sexual experience. I didn't think the same way about it as them then , and still don't. I do remember a friend of mine telling me she "just wanted to get it over with". The fact that she was choosing someone she didn't care about, and who didn't care about her, seemed safer to her somehow. It didnt go as well for her as it did for the OP, and she was genuinely surprised by that. Surprised she cared at all about it. I don't find it odd at all to care. To have feelings of attachment after sex. It is as natural as can be. You have nothing to worry about in that regard, OP. What I am curious about is what you expected to feel? Nothing at all? Just have sex, leave, as simple as a trip to the grocery store? Where did you get this idea that it is weird to feel something after having sex with someone, even if you decided you wanted to go casual? Link to comment
shemmyemmy23 Posted July 22, 2017 Author Share Posted July 22, 2017 I used to want to have sex with someone I had feelings for, but I always felt like it complicated things. It was more of a big deal to them and I guess it scared them (and it is a big deal) and put pressure on things. It also put pressure on me and I felt more comfortable with the idea of doing it with someone where there weren't feelings attached because in a way, I would've felt more relaxed. I hope I've explained this well enough. In regards to how I'm feeling now it's happened, I guess I just assumed it would be done with, I'd say bye to the guy and that would be it so I felt a little confused. Link to comment
Giblesp Posted July 22, 2017 Share Posted July 22, 2017 You've never made a connection between emotion and sex, that's where the confusion is coming from. Casual sex can leave an empty feeling afterwards. Its normal to have casual experiences, but I wouldn't advise going down this path too much. What tends to happen is that the more casual sex, the harder it is to bring emotions and sex together in an actual relationship. Link to comment
Giblesp Posted July 22, 2017 Share Posted July 22, 2017 Different times, no doubt. Showing my age also, I've never in my life heard anyone say they want it casual the first time. My first gf was my first love, and it was a beautiful teenage mess. I wouldn't have had it any other way. Link to comment
thornz Posted July 23, 2017 Share Posted July 23, 2017 Showing my age also, I've never in my life heard anyone say they want it casual the first time. My first gf was my first love, and it was a beautiful teenage mess. I wouldn't have had it any other way. I think it's due to an expectation that losing your virginity will be awkward and painful and that you will let down the person you care about with poor sexual performance. Quite sad really that sexual prowess is given such priority when considering a partner. Link to comment
cherubrock Posted July 23, 2017 Share Posted July 23, 2017 A total stranger can give me an orgasm and you think I'm gonna really care about them a month later...no..not really.. Link to comment
Giblesp Posted July 23, 2017 Share Posted July 23, 2017 I think it's due to an expectation that losing your virginity will be awkward and painful and that you will let down the person you care about with poor sexual performance. Quite sad really that sexual prowess is given such priority when considering a partner. But if its going to be awkward, wouldn't it be therefore easier and less awkward to do it with someone you trust and cares about you? Link to comment
Giblesp Posted July 23, 2017 Share Posted July 23, 2017 A total stranger can give me an orgasm and you think I'm gonna really care about them a month later...no..not really.. That sounds great. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 23, 2017 Share Posted July 23, 2017 Totally normal to have feelings for someone who was inside you in a way that no one else ever has been. You balanced the risks/benefits and this is one of the potential downsides. You didn't want the downside of having intercourse with someone you already were involved with and serious about. I hope you are ok and that on balance you don't regret your decision. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted July 23, 2017 Share Posted July 23, 2017 I just hope you made him wear a rubber, Shemmy. It would be a real shame if your first time you ended up with something that you're going to have to explain to every partner hence forth before you get bizzy. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted July 23, 2017 Share Posted July 23, 2017 A total stranger can give me an orgasm and you think I'm gonna really care about them a month later...no..not really.. After reading your other threads/posts, cher... I don't think that is quite the truth. Link to comment
thornz Posted July 23, 2017 Share Posted July 23, 2017 But if its going to be awkward, wouldn't it be therefore easier and less awkward to do it with someone you trust and cares about you? I've actually never considered it in great depth, I just assumed if they thought they would feel less awkward then that would be the case for them. It seems logical to me and personally I'm glad to have a few notches on my bed post. I certainly would not like the person I first dated/lost my virginity to, to be my husband. If you plan on settling down younger (I never did) then perhaps you might like to get it over with and experience sex before meeting someone to settle with. Link to comment
cherubrock Posted July 24, 2017 Share Posted July 24, 2017 Sorry for that negative post, I was in a bad mood. Link to comment
cherubrock Posted July 24, 2017 Share Posted July 24, 2017 Maybe your feelings mean that you aren't meant for casual sex...just a thought.. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 24, 2017 Share Posted July 24, 2017 You've never made a connection between emotion and sex, that's where the confusion is coming from. Casual sex can leave an empty feeling afterwards. Its normal to have casual experiences, but I wouldn't advise going down this path too much. What tends to happen is that the more casual sex, the harder it is to bring emotions and sex together in an actual relationship. I don't think a person has to have intercourse to know whether she or he feels a connection between emotion and sex. You can know that by holding hands with someone you're romantically interested in or when you desire to kiss someone romantically. I know I did and that seems perfectly normal and natural to me. Link to comment
Giblesp Posted July 24, 2017 Share Posted July 24, 2017 I don't think a person has to have intercourse to know whether she or he feels a connection between emotion and sex. You can know that by holding hands with someone you're romantically interested in or when you desire to kiss someone romantically. I know I did and that seems perfectly normal and natural to me. Generally the feelings would already be there before sex, such as with the holding hands. The sex would be part of and augment it. Casual sex certainly has its appeal and its attraction. However, as I have known women who have had lots of casual sex and have gone on to have difficulties in settling down and having families, as I have experienced women not be able to connect sex and love no matter how hard they try, I advise not to indulge too much into it. I feel its presumed that one day you can get to your 30's or so, flick a switch and be a functional partner and parent. But what you've done in the meantime has made the person you are, and for some if they've mainly just been sleeping around with no or little first hand experience of an emotional and sexual bond, a long term relationship might be extra tough. There's a price to pay for everything we do, casual sex has its price also. Its not, as is commonly assumed, a consequence free activity and if a young woman asked me to be her first as a casual lover, I would turn her down. Based on possible consequences for her that I wouldn't want to be part of. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 24, 2017 Share Posted July 24, 2017 Generally the feelings would already be there before sex, such as with the holding hands. The sex would be part of and augment it. Casual sex certainly has its appeal and its attraction. However, as I have known women who have had lots of casual sex and have gone on to have difficulties in settling down and having families, as I have experienced women not be able to connect sex and love no matter how hard they try, I advise not to indulge too much into it. I feel its presumed that one day you can get to your 30's or so, flick a switch and be a functional partner and parent. But what you've done in the meantime has made the person you are, and for some if they've mainly just been sleeping around with no or little first hand experience of an emotional and sexual bond, a long term relationship might be extra tough. There's a price to pay for everything we do, casual sex has its price also. Its not, as is commonly assumed, a consequence free activity and if a young woman asked me to be her first as a casual lover, I would turn her down. Based on possible consequences for her that I wouldn't want to be part of. Yes - I agree that choices in sex partners and level of commitment (or not) can have lasting effects -including being a single parent. I don't think it's gender-related -choices can affect future relationships, of course. I do not agree that a person who has casual sex won't experience what it's like to have an emotional or sexual bond unless he/she also has never had any kissing or other intimate experience within a caring relationship. It's not just about intercourse. And firsthand experience is great and all but there are many things in which we don't need any firsthand experience to know what is healthful or not for us. Sure, someone who only has casual sex and later wants a lasting relationship might be challenged in that way just like someone who's never had casual sex and wants to after many years in a committed relationship might have difficulty too. Link to comment
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