Having a hard time lately with online dating

[Batya33]

After years of OLD i dont like messaging or talking on the phone. I like a lot of men as people but am interested in dating a very few. A few messages and then meet up, works for me.

 

The last date I went on, we can talk for hours using any medium and in person. I think he's gay. Obvi am not interested. He thinks I'm awesome. I don't have the heart to tell him he has no shot ever; it is so obvious we get along and have shared interests. I hate that.

 

I'd rather just meet and be done with it.

 

I would have put myself in harm's way or had an extremely unpleasant experience several times over had I not had the one phone call - and yes, even though we planned to meet in public. And I also preferred someone with a nice speaking voice and who spoke in an articulate, intelligent way (which doesn't always correlate with being able to type words to that effect).

[Tygerlyly53]

I am supposed to meet a man tonight for dinner. We have a place and time all set. I met him online and we talked on the phone on Sunday. Monday he texted and comfirmed he was free for today and we made plans. I haven't heard much from him since, though. Yesterday he texted me to have a good day and I responded the same.

 

I checked his profile and it is hidden now. I am worried I am going to be stood up. Should I confirm that we are still on for tonight? With the luck I have been having lately with flakes, I don't want to get ready and drive to the restaurant only to be stood up.

 

What should I do?

[Batya33]

I would reconfirm. Good luck !

[JaggerJim]

If he does not contact you at all before the date, then I would suggest not going. If it were me, I would be making sure you were still on for tonight.

[catfeeder]

I am supposed to meet a man tonight for dinner. We have a place and time all set. I met him online and we talked on the phone on Sunday. Monday he texted and comfirmed he was free for today and we made plans. I haven't heard much from him since, though. Yesterday he texted me to have a good day and I responded the same.

 

I checked his profile and it is hidden now. I am worried I am going to be stood up. Should I confirm that we are still on for tonight? With the luck I have been having lately with flakes, I don't want to get ready and drive to the restaurant only to be stood up.

 

What should I do?

 

Why make the big investment in a dinner? That's an awfully high-pressure place to position yourself--waiting at a restaurant for someone who may not show, and if not, either ordering dinner solo or making it obvious that you've been stood up by leaving.

 

I'm suggesting for the 3rd time (without any response from you) that the simplest way to screen for potential dates is just to meet in a public place for coffee. There are no stakes there--if they show, great, and if not, you've enjoyed a cup of coffee or tea while reading the paper and you're no worse off for the 15 minutes you waited.

 

I hope the guy shows and I hope you enjoy the experience. If not, I hope you'll consider a much simpler approach to OLD known as 'speed meeting'. It's common, and it's easier to meet people this way without investment.

 

Best of luck.

[Tygerlyly53]

Hi everyone. He actually confirmed a couple of hours before the date. He wanted to make sure I was still planning to meet. I told him yes. We met and had a light dinner. It was a pleasant time. He walked me to my car and we chatted a bit. He hugged me and said goodbye. He is leaving tomorrow afternoon for a week. He is taking a fishing trip. He told me he will "touch base" with me. I am not sure what that means as I couldn't get a clear signal whether he felt any chemistry with me.

 

Oh well. I don't have any other prospects so if he doesn't reach out, I guess I will be taking a break from dating.

 

I had a nice time but, honestly, I am still hurting from the man that disappeared on me. I have a feeling men can sense it and that is the reason I can't get a second date.

 

I am l so confused. I don't know what to do. I thought seeing other people would help me move on but when things don't progress, it just makes me feel worse.

[Honeycomb8]

That's why you take some time away from this. Ask yourself honestly, would you date yourself? I always thought that was extremely cheesy and cliche, but I really do think me taking many months off dating last year helped a lot. I became more centered and settled. It wasn't just nervous energy jumping around. I had a clearer idea of what I was about.

 

I used that time to focus on my career, get back to being more social and learn some new skills. Time flew passed and I really feel like it made me more stable.

I don't allow other people to dictate how I view myself. I am content in my own skin. That's why (I suspect) I got asked out a lot this year.

You should try to get to that too.

[Tygerlyly53]

That's why you take some time away from this. Ask yourself honestly, would you date yourself? I always thought that was extremely cheesy and cliche, but I really do think me taking many months off dating last year helped a lot. I became more centered and settled. It wasn't just nervous energy jumping around. I had a clearer idea of what I was about.

 

Thank you. You do make a good point. I feel so cluttered and mucked up inside. I wish I could feel clear-headed and more confident.

[mustlovedogs]

Thank you. You do make a good point. I feel so cluttered and mucked up inside. I wish I could feel clear-headed and more confident.

 

You can. You're mucking it up by trying to date.

[Tygerlyly53]

You can. You're mucking it up by trying to date.

 

If that's true, will I ever be ready to date again? How will I know? I don't want to be alone, though, either.

[mustlovedogs]

If that's true, will I ever be ready to date again? How will I know? I don't want to be alone, though, either.

 

You'll know when you're confident on your own, don't overthink like you are (because you're happy on your own and know the right guy will treat you well), and when you're not desperate to have a relationship.

[Tygerlyly53]

You'll know when you're confident on your own, don't overthink like you are (because you're happy on your own and know the right guy will treat you well), and when you're not desperate to have a relationship.

 

That all makes sense and I want that. I just don't know how to get there.

[IAmFCA]

That all makes sense and I want that. I just don't know how to get there.

 

Practice choosing, as distinct from wanting to be chosen. Notice your inner voices, they exist in layers of privacy. Make sure all ofyour dialogue expects you to and choose someone wbo a good match for you. You are going for the brass ring. It takes skill building and commitment to finding what you want. Follow only your path. if you don't want a guy, let him go asap.

[Batya33]

Hi everyone. He actually confirmed a couple of hours before the date. He wanted to make sure I was still planning to meet. I told him yes. We met and had a light dinner. It was a pleasant time. He walked me to my car and we chatted a bit. He hugged me and said goodbye. He is leaving tomorrow afternoon for a week. He is taking a fishing trip. He told me he will "touch base" with me. I am not sure what that means as I couldn't get a clear signal whether he felt any chemistry with me.

 

Oh well. I don't have any other prospects so if he doesn't reach out, I guess I will be taking a break from dating.

 

I had a nice time but, honestly, I am still hurting from the man that disappeared on me. I have a feeling men can sense it and that is the reason I can't get a second date.

 

I am l so confused. I don't know what to do. I thought seeing other people would help me move on but when things don't progress, it just makes me feel worse.

 

I think it's important to feel comfortable in your own skin but no need to tell yourself you'll be happy long term without a partner - or feel as happy as you can be. Unless that's true. Dating requires a thick skin. When I used to walk into a restaurant to meet a first meet or date I'd tell myself "you are beautiful and glamorous " - neither was actually true but it distracted me from feeling g nervous and bring too chatty or giving a bad first impression. About half of the over 100 men I met askedme outagain and I wanted to see about half of them. I was interested in some of the men who weren't interested in me. One of them extended our coffee date to three hours then walked me part of the way home. We stopped st the market I was going to before I got home and he asked if he could help me shop. I told him that they was too fast for a first meet lol. He wasn't put off at all. And he never called me. Another guy kept saying enthusiastically during the date - I'm going to call you!!!! And he did - three weeks later. Even if I'd been interested I would have declined.

Unless the guy makes actome place plan to see you again assume you will never see him again and move along that. Dry second. If he calls to ask you for a first real date great. But no waiting or analyzing or transparent thank you texts. Say thank you gracefully and graciously on the date so you're not tempted to contact him. Totally fine to contact him and ask him out if that's your thing and if you're comfortable doing more of the asking out during dating. I showed interest and was enthusiastic but I let him do most of the asking out especially in the beginning.

[Tygerlyly53]

I think it's important to feel comfortable in your own skin but no need to tell yourself you'll be happy long term without a partner - or feel as happy as you can be. Unless that's true. Dating requires a thick skin. When I used to walk into a restaurant to meet a first meet or date I'd tell myself "you are beautiful and glamorous " - neither was actually true but it distracted me from feeling g nervous and bring too chatty or giving a bad first impression. About half of the over 100 men I met askedme outagain and I wanted to see about half of them. I was interested in some of the men who weren't interested in me. One of them extended our coffee date to three hours then walked me part of the way home. We stopped st the market I was going to before I got home and he asked if he could help me shop. I told him that they was too fast for a first meet lol. He wasn't put off at all. And he never called me. Another guy kept saying enthusiastically during the date - I'm going to call you!!!! And he did - three weeks later. Even if I'd been interested I would have declined.

Unless the guy makes actome place plan to see you again assume you will never see him again and move along that. Dry second. If he calls to ask you for a first real date great. But no waiting or analyzing or transparent thank you texts. Say thank you gracefully and graciously on the date so you're not tempted to contact him. Totally fine to contact him and ask him out if that's your thing and if you're comfortable doing more of the asking out during dating. I showed interest and was enthusiastic but I let him do most of the asking out especially in the beginning.

 

I didn't hear anything from him since our meet up yesterday. I was kinda hoping I would. The last few men I met in person haven't asked me again. Why so many in a row? Sadly, I don't have a thick skin and I am really beginning to think I am hideous.

[mustlovedogs]

I didn't hear anything from him since our meet up yesterday. I was kinda hoping I would. The last few men I met in person haven't asked me again. Why so many in a row? Sadly, I don't have a thick skin and I am really beginning to think I am hideous.

 

And that's precisely why you shouldn't date.

 

When dating made me feel bad about myself, I stopped. If something came naturally, fine, but I wasn't going to actively look. Work on YOU in the meantime. Hobbies, sleep, food, health, working out, friends, all of it. Get happy with yourself then try again.

[Batya33]

I didn't hear anything from him since our meet up yesterday. I was kinda hoping I would. The last few men I met in person haven't asked me again. Why so many in a row? Sadly, I don't have a thick skin and I am really beginning to think I am hideous.

 

Having a thick skin is a choice you make and requires practice. If you want an LTR there an important skill to have in the search. You'll always feel a twinge if you don't hear from someone you like. I felt badly when I was set up with a potential mom friend and she didn't follow up after we met once. Didn't stop me at all from trying again. Work on yourself while you date and each time take small steps towards the thick skin mentality.

Dating can be fun. Often it's a part time job. Ironically one reason I agreed to meet up with my now Hsu and after seeing him once in almost 8 years since our break up was. Evaluate it was a welcome respite from all the dating I'd been doing and I didn't care that I was not dressed nicely and couldn't reapply makeup before diner etc. he kind of cares that he showed up sweaty (went to the wrong restaurant ). Both of us were surprised they sparks flew. And yes the next few weeks had me feeling badly about myself wjen he didn't seem to be staying in touch and I knew he'd be leaving town soon. To me that reaction was totally normal. And of course I didn't let him know that.

Keep it up and resist the pity party urge. Finding your long term partner is totally worth it.

[Tygerlyly53]

I really want to thank everyone for taking the time to respond to my neurotic, frequent posts.

 

I think I should give up on finding the "one." See, I was married and that didn't work out. Maybe he was my "one" and since that failed, there IS no one else for me. It certainly seems that way with how things have been going lately. Is there more than one person for me or was my husband it?

 

I feel men only see me as a sex object. The ones who don't, don't ask me out again. So I am either destined to be alone or only a FWB. Perhaps I am not a woman men see as valuable or worthy of commitment. This is what I struggle with from the time I wake up until the moment I fall asleep. It really is a tiring, miserable existence.

[catfeeder]

I really want to thank everyone for taking the time to respond to my neurotic, frequent posts.

 

I think I should give up on finding the "one." See, I was married and that didn't work out. Maybe he was my "one" and since that failed, there IS no one else for me. It certainly seems that way with how things have been going lately. Is there more than one person for me or was my husband it?

 

I feel men only see me as a sex object. The ones who don't, don't ask me out again. So I am either destined to be alone or only a FWB. Perhaps I am not a woman men see as valuable or worthy of commitment. This is what I struggle with from the time I wake up until the moment I fall asleep. It really is a tiring, miserable existence.

 

It's unfortunate that 10 pages into this conversation your sound exactly the same as when you first came into it. I'd reread the thread, because you've either missed an awful lot of helpful comments that can aid a change in your perspective, or, you're stubbornly holding to a goal of keeping yourself feeling miserable. You can do that if you wish, but I don't understand the purpose of your continual self hypnosis through repetition of the same negative lines over and over again. It won't get you anywhere else.

[IAmFCA]

OP,

 

Many many people have felt as you describe. I know I have.

 

Have I dated people who dated me mostly because they wanted to have sex with me? yes! a number of times. I had my own path to walk to become who I am today. Its natural. Have I been pursued for a role as a side piece? Yes! So many times I can't count. I forget after a while that it even happened.

 

Why would I judge myself for that? What other people do is on them. Just because someone else needs a low intensity sex thing doeant mean they are bad people. Nor does it mean you arent worth being someone's gf. It just means the guy is looking for a casual thing. That is the role he is trying to fill. If that is not the job you want, then so be it. You want something different. That's all - two people who want different things.

 

If you want someone else to invest in you, you first have to invest in yourself.

 

You will achieve your goals if you remain committed to them. Period.

 

Give up on yourself... and you've given up on yourself. Others will too. A downward spiral starts and life gets worse and worse.

 

The one - the one who is a match to the newest version of you - will be there when you are ready to be in that relationship. Believe that. When moments of doubt come, remember that everyone has doubts. It is up to you to move past them. To recommit to believing your future will be right, for you.

 

It is up to you to envision and achieve the future you want.

[catfeeder]

 

Have I dated people who dated me mostly because they wanted to have sex with me? yes! a number of times. I had my own path to walk to become who I am today. Its natural. Have I been pursued for a role as a side piece? Yes! So many times I can't count. I forget after a while that it even happened.

 

Why would I judge myself for that? What other people do is on them.

 

You're hitting the foundational thing to grasp. Most people are NOT our match. That's not a bad thing, it's perfect. Allow wrong matches to pass early.

 

When we're looking for ONE right match in a sea of millions of people, it makes no sense to get discouraged by every wrong match, because those will be in the majority. If you can think of singles as carrying around a puzzle piece and meeting a bunch of strangers to see whether those pieces connect, you can accept that most attempts will NOT FIT. That doesn't make anybody 'wrong' or 'bad' or unlovable, it just means that we don't match. Period.

 

We each have unique vision. When someone rejects you, it speaks of the limits of their vision rather than of any deficiency in you. If you choose to internalize that and make yourself feel lousy, you can do that--but what does it buy you? A lack of resilience and a perspective that will make dating more difficult than it needs to be.

 

That vision is changeable, but nobody else can make that change for you. It's a decision.

[IAmFCA]

You're hitting the foundational thing to grasp. Most people are NOT our match. That's not a bad thing, it's perfect. Allow wrong matches to pass early.

 

When we're looking for ONE right match in a sea of millions of people, it makes no sense to get discouraged by every wrong match, because those will be in the majority. If you can think of singles as carrying around a puzzle piece and meeting a bunch of strangers to see whether those pieces connect, you can accept that most attempts will NOT FIT. That doesn't make anybody 'wrong' or 'bad' or unlovable, it just means that we don't match. Period.

 

We each have unique vision. When someone rejects you, it speaks of the limits of their vision rather than of any deficiency in you. If you choose to internalize that and make yourself feel lousy, you can do that--but what does it buy you? A lack of resilience and a perspective that will make dating more difficult than it needs to be.

 

That vision is changeable, but nobody else can make that change for you. It's a decision.

 

YES!

 

And if there is one puzzle piece, it is a piece that changes as we change. The match of 20 years ago is different than today. That first marriage - he wasn't the one. He was the bump in the journey that you needed to get to where you are going.

 

So how do we stay together? A different thread warrants that, but by choosing someone whose choices we respect, company we enjoy, and chemistry we want. Respect is a deeper thing, it involves trust and values etc. A complex thing; a different thread.