Having a hard time lately with online dating

[Tygerlyly53]

i decided to delete all my online profiles. This process has made me feel fat, ugly, boring and uninteresting. Which isn't good when you already feel bad about yourself. I don't know what it is like anymore to have someone WANT to see you and get to know you. I feel so lonely. I just don't know why the Universe or God or whatever has destined me to be alone and unhappy.

 

The opportunities to have casual sex or a one night stand are multiple but I don't want that. I want something more meaningful.

[Batya33]

i decided to delete all my online profiles. This process has made me feel fat, ugly, boring and uninteresting. Which isn't good when you already feel bad about yourself. I don't know what it is like anymore to have someone WANT to see you and get to know you. I feel so lonely. I just don't know why the Universe or God or whatever has destined me to be alone and unhappy.

 

The opportunities to have casual sex or a one night stand are multiple but I don't want that. I want something more meaningful.

 

I only went to dating web sites to find a husband. Are you overweight? It's fine if you are, fine if you are happy with your body. When I was on dating websites I knew of several overweight women who met their match and I also knew of many instances where it presented a real challenge to meeting a match on a dating website. Often this was because the woman did not post accurate photos of her current body shape so the issue also was the misleading/lying and not just the weight. Of course I am not suggesting that your photos are inaccurate, just sharing based on my experiences. I met over 100 men in person and was on dating websites for about 4 years on and off. Also did personal ads back in the day. I know of many happy marriages resulting from dating web sites.

[IAmFCA]

i decided to delete all my online profiles. This process has made me feel fat, ugly, boring and uninteresting. Which isn't good when you already feel bad about yourself. I don't know what it is like anymore to have someone WANT to see you and get to know you. I feel so lonely. I just don't know why the Universe or God or whatever has destined me to be alone and unhappy.

 

The opportunities to have casual sex or a one night stand are multiple but I don't want that. I want something more meaningful.

 

Many women and men feel this way. Women of all shapes and personalities. Please keep yourself from internalizing the process as if it is a criticism of you. It isn't.

 

Of course casual is easier to find: more people meet the standards for a transient than a long term one.

 

Do an experiment: go about your day inmagining every man you see is a dating profile in the flesh. Every man is someone who pops up on your screen for you to evaluate. So evaluate then. The creepy ones, old ones, young ones, perfect ones, N*W ones. Its awful, right? Your brain is suddenly reinforcing, over and over, a negative experience. "no, no, no, no, ..."

 

That's why OLD can seem difficult. IRL, those people who want something different, whom we don't want at all, we dismiss them immediately, subsonsciously, habitually. We focus ln the ones we want (if any) or somwthing else altogether. OLD makes us spend time on the n f w ones, same as everyone se. Its unnatural relative to real life.

 

So, 1, hook ups have always been easy to find - thats why they exist. And 2, dismiss the no's with as little effort as possible. Keep it moving.

[catfeeder]

i decided to delete all my online profiles. This process has made me feel fat, ugly, boring and uninteresting. Which isn't good when you already feel bad about yourself. I don't know what it is like anymore to have someone WANT to see you and get to know you. I feel so lonely. I just don't know why the Universe or God or whatever has destined me to be alone and unhappy.

 

The opportunities to have casual sex or a one night stand are multiple but I don't want that. I want something more meaningful.

 

You can decide to feel badly about yourself if you want to, but figure out what kind of payoff you get from that, and consider, instead, flipping your view of OLD on its head. Those who invest too heavily in every encounter as a reflection on themselves only drill themselves a deeper hole to climb out of with every disappointment.

 

What if, instead, you viewed it as a project to not only learn HOW to date, but as an exercise in training your mind to view every human (including yourself) as holding unique value that views the world through a different lens, which interprets who and what they see in a distinctly unique way.

 

So given millions of people in the world, 99 percent of them are perfectly fine as far as humans go, but they are NOT our match. That's liberating. It frees you to reject everyone who doesn't harmonize with you in a special way and to chalk up every rejection of you as a reflection of that person's limited vision rather than as any deficiency in you.

 

It also frees you to approach OLD as a not-so-desperate exercise in learning whether you'll stumble across your needle in the haystack. Since most people are NOT matches, you can approach every introduction as a privilege in meeting another human who's looking for their own matching puzzle piece. Just as with gambling, the odds are against us all, but there's always that possibility of a win.

 

Why close the door on possibilities when you can just choose to view them differently? Instead of trying to arrange full dates online, use the app to screen and set up 15-20 minute coffee meets with a many men as possible. Rules are that neither can ask the other for a 'real' date on the spot, but either can extend an invitation afterward. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, no response is necessary. This takes the squirmy rejection stuff off the table, while setting up a few quick meets a week keeps you focused on meeting the next person instead of dwelling on the last bad match.

 

First thing I'd address is your opinion of yourself, because low self esteem isn't really dating material in the first place. If "I" don't like me, then what, exactly, am I trying to pitch to someone else? Start there. Recognize your own value, and then there's no need to sell it. Either someone offers you great simpatico and views you through the right lens, or they don't. If not, he's just not your match, and you can move on to the meet the next person. You're only looking for ONE right match.

 

Head high, and remember, each train that doesn't stop at your station is just not your train.

[Tygerlyly53]

I only went to dating web sites to find a husband. Are you overweight? It's fine if you are, fine if you are happy with your body. When I was on dating websites I knew of several overweight women who met their match and I also knew of many instances where it presented a real challenge to meeting a match on a dating website. Often this was because the woman did not post accurate photos of her current body shape so the issue also was the misleading/lying and not just the weight. Of course I am not suggesting that your photos are inaccurate, just sharing based on my experiences. I met over 100 men in person and was on dating websites for about 4 years on and off. Also did personal ads back in the day. I know of many happy marriages resulting from dating web sites.

 

I'm not really looking for a husband per se. Just someone to do things with. Not a FWB, though. I am not overweight and the full body pic I have online is recent. However, I am not a size 2 or in my 20's so I think that is what is hurting me.

 

I just don't think my self-esteem is high enough for online dating or maybe even dating in general.

 

On a side note, I am disappointed with the pool of men in my area. I am so disappointed that most of the men are way overweight, bald or shaved head, unruly beard, covered in tattoos, bad teeth, hunts or fishes, rides a motorcycle, etc, etc, etc. Now, those things are fine in and of themselves and I am sure some women will find that appealing but I am just not attracted to that. It seems to be EVERYONE, though! It is frustrating because I don't want to have to sacrifice dating someone I don't find physically attractive just because I don't want to be alone. I know I am not a supermodel, but I take very good care of myself and always try to put my best self forward.

 

I don't know. I believe I have become too jaded for dating right now but I miss companionship. I'm lost on what to do.

[Batya33]

So, I personally would never have used a dating website just for someone "to do things with" - way too much time investment and stress/aggravation (I never felt cynical for more than a few hours but yes there was a lot of flaky behavior that really inconvenienced me, and a few harmful and a number of unpleasant situations). It was worth it only because I wanted marriage so that level of investment was more than worth it for forever. I only responded to men who said they wanted marriage and family so for the most part unless they were totally lying they didn't send the offensive/inappropriate messages about sex. I did all of my dating in a major city teeming with singles. In my mid-late 30s I had the best luck in part because I had more self-confidence and in part because of far better hair products to tame my frizz lol.

 

I would do meetups, volunteer work (like volunteering back stage at a community theater) athletic activities like hiking, etc. No problem to glance at a dating website once in awhile but for what you're looking for, what you're finding sounds fairly typical. I've done volunteer work on and off most of my life since age 14 or so and made lifelong friends that way and could have met people to date had the timing been right when the opportunities came up. It's also an interesting topic of conversation when getting to know someone. Right now I occasionally volunteer at a public media station for their phone drives for donors. I've made acquaintances and when I meet new people they like to hear about it (especially if they listen/watch that station).

 

If you reevaluate and deep down realize you would really like forever (whether marriage or something like it) then it's worth it. I sense that maybe you're telling yourself you don't want that but the level to which you're upset about what you're finding on dating sites doesn't really match with someone who is looking just for someone to go on dates with/do activities with, casually.

[Tygerlyly53]

So, I personally would never have used a dating website just for someone "to do things with" - way too much time investment and stress/aggravation (I never felt cynical for more than a few hours but yes there was a lot of flaky behavior that really inconvenienced me, and a few harmful and a number of unpleasant situations). It was worth it only because I wanted marriage so that level of investment was more than worth it for forever. I only responded to men who said they wanted marriage and family so for the most part unless they were totally lying they didn't send the offensive/inappropriate messages about sex. I did all of my dating in a major city teeming with singles. In my mid-late 30s I had the best luck in part because I had more self-confidence and in part because of far better hair products to tame my frizz lol.

 

I would do meetups, volunteer work (like volunteering back stage at a community theater) athletic activities like hiking, etc. No problem to glance at a dating website once in awhile but for what you're looking for, what you're finding sounds fairly typical. I've done volunteer work on and off most of my life since age 14 or so and made lifelong friends that way and could have met people to date had the timing been right when the opportunities came up. It's also an interesting topic of conversation when getting to know someone. Right now I occasionally volunteer at a public media station for their phone drives for donors. I've made acquaintances and when I meet new people they like to hear about it (especially if they listen/watch that station).

 

If you reevaluate and deep down realize you would really like forever (whether marriage or something like it) then it's worth it. I sense that maybe you're telling yourself you don't want that but the level to which you're upset about what you're finding on dating sites doesn't really match with someone who is looking just for someone to go on dates with/do activities with, casually.

 

Thank you for the great suggestions. Perhaps you are right, I think I am actually looking for something more long term and meaningful with one special someone.

[Batya33]

Thank you for the great suggestions. Perhaps you are right, I think I am actually looking for something more long term and meaningful with one special someone.

 

OK then in my opinion it's more than worth the time and aggravation. Be very clear and direct about what you are looking for when you write to men and respond to their messages. Put it in your profile in a positive and simple way. Get rid of all negatives and "no" in your profile - I only had one sentence like that "no drugs/excessive drinking". If you are vague you will get vague responses or none. I didn't respond to vague statements about relationship goals.

[Tygerlyly53]

OK then in my opinion it's more than worth the time and aggravation. Be very clear and direct about what you are looking for when you write to men and respond to their messages. Put it in your profile in a positive and simple way. Get rid of all negatives and "no" in your profile - I only had one sentence like that "no drugs/excessive drinking". If you are vague you will get vague responses or none. I didn't respond to vague statements about relationship goals.

 

Thanks for the help. What do I do when someone messages me that I have no interest in? Do I ignore it completely or do I say thanks but not interested?

 

 

Another thing, I started talking to this man I met online. We were emailing and now talk on the phone and text. I enjoy talking to him but there are some things about him that turn me off. He has a beard and I am not a big fan of facial hair. Also, he seems a bit needy. He could just be really interested in me but he gets sad if I can't talk all the time. He asked me out for tonight and I made an excuse not to because I just don't know how I feel about him. I don't want to lead him on but I also don't want to potentially push away a decent guy. He hinted that he wanted to give me a massage and that worries me that he is only looking for a casual thing.

 

I am so confused.

[Batya33]

Depending on who it was that messaged me and what the message said I would choose to respond or not. On the guy you are messaging - I would not meet him because he is a stranger suggesting a massage. Period.

[Honeycomb8]

Someone who is needy straight away is a big fat red flag.

Also hinting at physical things (touching, kissing, massages) when you HAVEN'T even met is another heck no.

 

A decent guy would be taking his time to get to know you in person before wanting anything too full on.

 

Rise above the trash please.

[sjb6050]

I only went to dating web sites to find a husband. Are you overweight? It's fine if you are, fine if you are happy with your body. When I was on dating websites I knew of several overweight women who met their match and I also knew of many instances where it presented a real challenge to meeting a match on a dating website. Often this was because the woman did not post accurate photos of her current body shape so the issue also was the misleading/lying and not just the weight. Of course I am not suggesting that your photos are inaccurate, just sharing based on my experiences. I met over 100 men in person and was on dating websites for about 4 years on and off. Also did personal ads back in the day. I know of many happy marriages resulting from dating web sites.

 

First of all as a guy I can say that I am having a lot of the same issues that a lot of you are saying here. Flaky women that don't respond or seem interested and then stop responding. The quote above is extremely common. I will frequently get women messaging me that have a profile picture that looks nice and not post Full body pictures. I have had to become an expert in deciding based on a profile facial picture if someone is overweight or not. It annoys me when people think that it is shallow when a man is not attracted to an overweight woman when attraction is a 2 Way St. I don't get upset when women don't find me attractive

[Batya33]

First of all as a guy I can say that I am having a lot of the same issues that a lot of you are saying here. Flaky women that don't respond or seem interested and then stop responding. The quote above is extremely common. I will frequently get women messaging me that have a profile picture that looks nice and not post Full body pictures. I have had to become an expert in deciding based on a profile facial picture if someone is overweight or not. It annoys me when people think that it is shallow when a man is not attracted to an overweight woman when attraction is a 2 Way St. I don't get upset when women don't find me attractive

 

When I did online sites it wasn't as easy to post photos. And I don't photograph well (yes I was thin, always have been) - so I had one full body and three that were not and did not like when I was asked for more than the 4 photos posted. Yes, to an extent you have to take a risk but I'm not sure asking for more photos is the answer because it gives a bad impression.

 

As a contrast, many years ago the photo the guy posted was fuzzy and only showed one side of his face. We had a great conversation. We met. The side of his face that wasn't pictured was paralyzed and deeply scarred down to his neck. He looked like a fairly typical monster you'd see in a horror movie.

 

While I empathize and understand why he posted the photo of his un-scarred side, I also felt from another perspective it wasn't fair to shock me in that way - I was able to pretend that I didn't notice and he did share how it happened to him - but I also knew I wasn't the person who would be comfortable being with him romantically nor would I grow attracted (sure, call me shallow). Had he posted an accurate picture I wouldn't have responded to his message or given a polite "thanks but " [with a polite white lie that wouldn't offend]. I did not see him again and I simply told him I didn't think we had enough in common. That is an extreme example but yes, post accurate photos so that when you meet you don't add to the typical apprehension/nervousness with some kind of unwelcome surprise.

[catfeeder]

I'd skip digital fantasy building and set up quick meets. I'm not sure if you saw my earlier message that details this. It's a form of speed dating that lets you screen out bad matches, and there will be plenty of those.

 

Also, I'd skip anyone who conveys neediness. That's not flattering, it's a manipulative red flag to pass on.

[Tygerlyly53]

I agree that this guy is full of red flags. Really, he just makes me feel uneasy in general. We had a couple of nice phone conversations but then he just started getting a but off-putting and when he mentioned giving me a massage or me giving him a massage, it turned me off.

 

He continues to text me and I vaguely answer but I just don't even want to do that anymore. How do I let him know I am not interested? I don't want to be mean but if I felt there was a real, genuine attraction for him, I don't think I would be dreading receiving his texts!

[Batya33]

I agree that this guy is full of red flags. Really, he just makes me feel uneasy in general. We had a couple of nice phone conversations but then he just started getting a but off-putting and when he mentioned giving me a massage or me giving him a massage, it turned me off.

 

He continues to text me and I vaguely answer but I just don't even want to do that anymore. How do I let him know I am not interested? I don't want to be mean but if I felt there was a real, genuine attraction for him, I don't think I would be dreading receiving his texts!

 

"Thank so much for your text. On reflection, I don't think we have enough in common so that it would make sense for us to meet. Take care."

[figureitout23]

I agree that this guy is full of red flags. Really, he just makes me feel uneasy in general. We had a couple of nice phone conversations but then he just started getting a but off-putting and when he mentioned giving me a massage or me giving him a massage, it turned me off.

 

He continues to text me and I vaguely answer but I just don't even want to do that anymore. How do I let him know I am not interested? I don't want to be mean but if I felt there was a real, genuine attraction for him, I don't think I would be dreading receiving his texts!

 

You show him the respect your ghoster didn't show you. Seriouly tell him what you wish your ghosted did. Maybe there will be some healing in that?

[Batya33]

You show him the respect your ghoster didn't show you. Seriouly tell him what you wish your ghosted did. Maybe there will be some healing in that?

 

i don't agree. If it's someone you haven't met yet unless you have to cancel a plan it's totally fine to send a brief text ending contact or stop texting (which is not ghosting -it's a stranger she hasn't met yet)

[figureitout23]

i don't agree. If it's someone you haven't met yet unless you have to cancel a plan it's totally fine to send a brief text ending contact or stop texting (which is not ghosting -it's a stranger she hasn't met yet)

 

Granted they haven't met, but once you've exchanged phone numbers the person deserves to be given the literal 10 seconds it takes to say, 'hey, I'm not really feeling it.'

 

I find it ironic you suggest posters ghost someone else. Sure there are grey areas but come on, what's good for the goose is good for the gander, if you want respect, give it. Do you need to end it with every Tom and harry you're chatting with online? No, but again if you've exchanged numbers I'd expect things were leading towards a meeting ( maybe I'm just weird, I don't hand out my number unless there's interest) so have the respect to tell him 'hey I'm not interested in meeting.' It's a slippery slope, there are no official rules to ghosting, so again, don't do to others what you don't want done to you. People are on here upset because they feel dismissed, how does it help to dismiss others?

[Batya33]

Granted they haven't met, but once you've exchanged phone numbers the person deserves to be given the literal 10 seconds it takes to say, 'hey, I'm not really feeling it.'

 

I find it ironic you suggest posters ghost someone else. Sure there are grey areas but come on, what's good for the goose is good for the gander, if you want respect, give it. Do you need to end it with every Tom and harry you're chatting with online? No, but again if you've exchanged numbers I'd expect things were leading towards a meeting ( maybe I'm just weird, I don't hand out my number unless there's interest) so have the respect to tell him 'hey I'm not interested in meeting.' It's a slippery slope, there are no official rules to ghosting, so again, don't do to others what you don't want done to you. People are on here upset because they feel sdismissed, how does it help to dismiss others?

I see it differently and not as ghosting which is the new term nowadays - if I've gone out on dates a few times with a person then I will respond to an invitation for another date with a polite no. When I communicated with people through dating sites I did not expect to hear any response at all if the person changed his mind about meeting unless we already had a time and place set up. Then I expected him to cancel of course and not just not show up. I had a number of experiences being harassed by men who I called or emailed to say politely that I was no longer interested in meeting so depending on the cricismtnsces and why it sometimes was better just to stop communicating. Like the guy who didn't tell me about his criminal record or the one who lied about his age or marital status. Very often I sent a polite email or voice mail declining. But at that stage of communicating I think silence is fine and means lack of interest in proceeding.

[Tygerlyly53]

The guy gives me the creeps. I don't want to talk to him at all. I had been helping a friend move and he said I could use a massage. He said he was getting one the next day. I asked him where and he said, "your house." That put me off. Then he asked me to dinner. At that point, I just was too turned off. Am I being too sensitive?

 

I don't want to ghost him but some of his previous actions (via text and phone) show he does not like to take no for an answer. We have not met in person yet.

[zippitt]

The guy gives me the creeps. I don't want to talk to him at all. I had been helping a friend move and he said I could use a massage. He said he was getting one the next day. I asked him where and he said, "your house." That put me off. Then he asked me to dinner. At that point, I just was too turned off. Am I being too sensitive?

 

I don't want to ghost him but some of his previous actions (via text and phone) show he does not like to take no for an answer. We have not met in person yet.

 

As a man, even if a hot woman sent me that it would weird me out, so your not crazy, although I am more with telling people I am not interested rather than ghosting, but if you have already told him no you owe him nothing more.

[Batya33]

The guy gives me the creeps. I don't want to talk to him at all. I had been helping a friend move and he said I could use a massage. He said he was getting one the next day. I asked him where and he said, "your house." That put me off. Then he asked me to dinner. At that point, I just was too turned off. Am I being too sensitive?

 

I don't want to ghost him but some of his previous actions (via text and phone) show he does not like to take no for an answer. We have not met in person yet.

It's totally fine to cut off contact especially since he is behaving inappropriately. Messaging him might trigger more texts and who needs that.

[deedee911]

Online dating is tough. The best advice I can give you is how you perceive the situation says a lot about how you feel about yourself. My opinion is take a break from online dating and spend some time doing the things you love.wjen you've built up your confidence again then give it a shot

[Batya33]

Online dating is tough. The best advice I can give you is how you perceive the situation says a lot about how you feel about yourself. My opinion is take a break from online dating and spend some time doing the things you love.wjen you've built up your confidence again then give it a shot

 

I found that all dating requires a thick skin including meeting people in person with whom you first connected on line. Online dating is the toughest when people try to date online instead of in real life.