Having a hard time lately with online dating

[catfeeder]

There's no such thing as 'ghosting' a person you've never even met. They're already a ghost. Skip the digital fantasy building and set up quick meets with real people straight from the gate. Anyone who's not up for that isn't dating material in the first place, so don't waste your time and energy catering to them.

 

That's not rude, it's smart.

[figureitout23]

Y'all must be handing out your phone number like skittles or something...

[Tygerlyly53]

Y'all must be handing out your phone number like skittles or something...

 

On the contrary. I am cautious to give my number out. Sometimes, though, I share it with someone who seems deserving of it but turns out to be a wolf in sheep's clothing. Sadly, those people are making me more and more leery of even conversing with potential dates.

[Batya33]

On the contrary. I am cautious to give my number out. Sometimes, though, I share it with someone who seems deserving of it but turns out to be a wolf in sheep's clothing. Sadly, those people are making me more and more leery of even conversing with potential dates.

 

Yes, it is sad when you let a few bad apples -and some hiccups in your screening skills - control your life to that extent. Blocking is fairly easy IMO. You will get much better at screening with practice both when first contacting on line and in real life. We all can use practice.

[figureitout23]

On the contrary. I am cautious to give my number out. Sometimes, though, I share it with someone who seems deserving of it but turns out to be a wolf in sheep's clothing. Sadly, those people are making me more and more leery of even conversing with potential dates.

 

Well, you know you more than anyone else, if he gives you bad vibes do whats best for you.

 

Looks like this turned out to be a lesson after all! Just like you're doing whats best for you, all the men who have been dismissing you lately are doing the exact same, so now you know from personal expierience not to take it personally.

[catfeeder]

On the contrary. I am cautious to give my number out. Sometimes, though, I share it with someone who seems deserving of it but turns out to be a wolf in sheep's clothing. Sadly, those people are making me more and more leery of even conversing with potential dates.

 

You can allow someone else's bad judgment to influence your own if you wish. That's not against the law, it just won't get you any closer to what you want. Why not just adopt smart screening practices, set up some rounds of quick coffee meets, and allow people to show you whether they make potential good matches--or not? If not, skip further contact with them and move forward to meet other potential matches.

 

Overinvestment up front will only keep you hung up on the bad matches, have you noticed?

 

Most people are NOT our match. Until you can grasp that and treat this like a screening-OUT process instead of investing in anyone who says hello, then you'll continue to make yourself miserable and miss any enjoyable learning you could gain from the process.

 

It's your call.

[Tygerlyly53]

I don't hand my number out willy nilly. In fact, most men don't make it past a couple of messages via the dating app because they either don't continue chatting with ME or they are too boring or we don't have almost anything in common and I lose interest.

 

The ones that DO get my number are able to carry an intelligent conversation with some humor thrown in and don't act like a total horn dog. Have I made a few mistakes along the way? Of course, but luckily I am learning from those mistakes and trying to tweak my radar.

 

Also, I am not necessarily looking for "the one." If he is out there, great. But in the meantime, I would be happy with someone who shares my similar interests, is attractive (to me) physically and mentally and shows a genuine interest in getting to know me. Am I asking too much? I don't think so but maybe I am.

 

As far as the opinion I shouldn't be dating right now because of my low self esteem and confidence, maybe that is true. But I still like companionship and affection from the opposite sex. Can I work on getting or improving both those areas of my life without giving one up?

[Batya33]

Well, you know you more than anyone else, if he gives you bad vibes do whats best for you.

 

Looks like this turned out to be a lesson after all! Just like you're doing whats best for you, all the men who have been dismissing you lately are doing the exact same, so now you know from personal expierience not to take it personally.

 

A stranger from on line who declines to meet is not necessarily "dismissing" -it can't be personal because it's a stranger with rare exception -of course if there is an actual argument or offense taken that's different but typically it's just one stranger declining to meet another.

[Batya33]

I don't hand my number out willy nilly. In fact, most men don't make it past a couple of messages via the dating app because they either don't continue chatting with ME or they are too boring or we don't have almost anything in common and I lose interest.

 

The ones that DO get my number are able to carry an intelligent conversation with some humor thrown in and don't act like a total horn dog. Have I made a few mistakes along the way? Of course, but luckily I am learning from those mistakes and trying to tweak my radar.

 

Also, I am not necessarily looking for "the one." If he is out there, great. But in the meantime, I would be happy with someone who shares my similar interests, is attractive (to me) physically and mentally and shows a genuine interest in getting to know me. Am I asking too much? I don't think so but maybe I am.

 

As far as the opinion I shouldn't be dating right now because of my low self esteem and confidence, maybe that is true. But I still like companionship and affection from the opposite sex. Can I work on getting or improving both those areas of my life without giving one up?

 

i rarely believe that the answer to self-improvement is to stop dating except in extreme cases -a person who is harming herself by dating -like a person who chooses to get drunk and have multiple sex partners through on line web sites because of low self-esteem. Other than that if you are interested in finding a serious relationship then continue to look.

[Tygerlyly53]

Well, you know you more than anyone else, if he gives you bad vibes do whats best for you.

 

Looks like this turned out to be a lesson after all! Just like you're doing whats best for you, all the men who have been dismissing you lately are doing the exact same, so now you know from personal expierience not to take it personally.

 

Wow, are you saying I am a wolf in sheep's clothing?! I guess you're right if my telling them to "have a nice evening or morning" is suspicious and grounds for dismissal because that is usually when they disappear! Lol

 

I haven't stalked anyone, obsessively texted or threatened to shave their llama so I have no idea what I could have possibly done to be dismissed so early on. The reasons I usually stop talking to someone when we seem to be getting along is if they suddenly turn into Rico Suave or Uncle Pervy.

 

I am doing the best I can.

[Batya33]

Wow, are you saying I am a wolf in sheep's clothing?! I guess you're right if my telling them to "have a nice evening or morning" is suspicious and grounds for dismissal because that is usually when they disappear! Lol

 

I haven't stalked anyone, obsessively texted or threatened to shave their llama so I have no idea what I could have possibly done to be dismissed so early on. The reasons I usually stop talking to someone when we seem to be getting along is if they suddenly turn into Rico Suave or Uncle Pervy.

 

I am doing the best I can.

 

But you're not being dismissed at all. It's a stranger deciding not to continue chatting. No big deal.

[Honeycomb8]

No one should ever need validation of another, let alone of someone they don't know, or hardly know to dictate what they feel about themselves. Once you have greater self confidence, nothing will be taken as personally. And it shouldn't be, cos none of this is personal. Who cares, you can do better. I think you're holding on to what you hope for something to be, rather than who they are and what they are, cos it's simply impossible to since you hardly know them.

[figureitout23]

A stranger from on line who declines to meet is not necessarily "dismissing" -it can't be personal because it's a stranger with rare exception -of course if there is an actual argument or offense taken that's different but typically it's just one stranger declining to meet another.

 

Batya,

 

First off my saying the OP'er should tell the person in question, (who interacted enough with her to get her phone number, a person who from my understanding, she was still interacting with at the time of my response) 'I'm not interested' does not equal 'marry an ax murderer'.

 

My saying, 'tell the guy she wasn't interested', wasn't me trying to advise her to put herself in danger, I don't know where this is even coming from, she was still talking to the dude as far as I knew

 

 

I agree that this guy is full of red flags. Really, he just makes me feel uneasy in general. We had a couple of nice phone conversations but then he just started getting a but off-putting and when he mentioned giving me a massage or me giving him a massage, it turned me off.

 

He continues to text me and I vaguely answer but I just don't even want to do that anymore. How do I let him know I am not interested? I don't want to be mean but if I felt there was a real, genuine attraction for him, I don't think I would be dreading receiving his texts!

 

 

So my advise was tell him you're not interested, it takes 10 seconds and again, she was still talking to him. People disagreed, it later came out he wouldnt have taken kindly to being turned down. So be it, as I said, the OP'er knows her situation more than anyone, my advise is based on the information given.

 

Second, I read through a lot of posts here so I see a lot of a posters story. The OP'er can correct me if I'm wrong but she seemed very upset over online dating and how flaky (dismissive) men were, VERY upset. So my subsequent advise was take it as a lesson learned. If a man disappears or decides hes not interested and cancelled a date, its no big deal, they have their reasons just like you do.

 

Look, I agree, online dating is savage and can easily turn dangerous, I would never advise someone to put themselves in danger. I just believe you should give people the respect you expect to receive, is that really that terrible?

[Honeycomb8]

But why is she still talking to him-there's no need. If someone mentions a massage or hints at something I'm not okay with, I disengage.

 

Is attention from some stranger really that important?

I get those messages on tinder all the time. Even if they're hot-it doesn't matter. It's obvious what this guy wants, and she's uncomfortable...So why would you continue talking?

There are so many guys out there. Plenty of good ones, so no need to waste energy on someone not like that.

[figureitout23]

Wow, are you saying I am a wolf in sheep's clothing?! I guess you're right if my telling them to "have a nice evening or morning" is suspicious and grounds for dismissal because that is usually when they disappear! Lol

 

I haven't stalked anyone, obsessively texted or threatened to shave their llama so I have no idea what I could have possibly done to be dismissed so early on. The reasons I usually stop talking to someone when we seem to be getting along is if they suddenly turn into Rico Suave or Uncle Pervy.

 

I am doing the best I can.

 

Whoa...relax. I am NOT saying anything negative at all. I apologize if Im coming off that way.

 

I haven't stalked anyone, obsessively texted or threatened to shave their llama so I have no idea what I could have possibly done to be dismissed so early on.

 

No, you havent. They probably just lost interest, just like you do! That is literally all I am saying.

 

The reasons I usually stop talking to someone when we seem to be getting along is if they suddenly turn into Rico Suave or Uncle Pervy.

 

And men have their reasons, like maybe lack of chemistry or differing values. Again, thats all I am saying. Just like you have your reasons for stopping communication, they do too, so you should not take it so personally, which based on your posts you have been. Men and women walk away from people easily with online dating.

 

Im going to go ahead and step out of this post now, its getting way too heated.

[Batya33]

Batya,

 

"First off my saying the OP'er should tell the person in question, (who interacted enough with her to get her phone number, a person who from my understanding, she was still interacting with at the time of my response) 'I'm not interested' does not equal 'marry an ax murderer'.

 

My saying, 'tell the guy she wasn't interested', wasn't me trying to advise her to put herself in danger, I don't know where this is even coming from, she was still talking to the dude as far as I knew"

 

Your response has nothing to do with what I wrote so I cannot respond. I do know that sometimes it's much safer to stop contact than to respond even blandly with "sorry not interested"

[Tygerlyly53]

I am not talking to Mr. Massage anymore. I just felt uneasy about him and knew it wasn't a match anyway.

 

As for online dating in general, yes, I am disillusioned by it for the time being and believe I do need a break from it.

[Batya33]

I am not talking to Mr. Massage anymore. I just felt uneasy about him and knew it wasn't a match anyway.

 

As for online dating in general, yes, I am disillusioned by it for the time being and believe I do need a break from it.

 

I used to take short breaks but if you're going to do that I'd take a break from all dating because all dating requires at some point talking to strangers or meeting strangers unless you only date people you already know as friends. Online dating is different only because often there is a higher volume of people to communicate with than in an in person activity.

[Tygerlyly53]

I was going to ghost on Mr. Massage but I decided that felt crappy when it happened to me so I sent him a text telling him why I went quiet and will leave it at that. I am blocking him now because I don't want to drag things out. He has an explanation and hopefully won't be left wondering what happened.

 

I wish my ghost would have had the same compassion for me. I only briefly talked to this man and we never met but I still felt enough empathy for him to tell him what I was thinking and feeling. The man who ghosted me after 5 months of dating/intimacy and daily chats didn't feel I deserved the same courtesy. I hope this proves that I am a decent person. Unlike the man who ghosted me.

[Batya33]

I think it's fine to message a stranger that you changed your mind about meeting. I think it's fine not to. I don't think it's ghosting if you don't. I don't think anyone you end up not meeting needs to tell you why he changed his mind and I don't think it's a good idea to get attached prior to meeting in person. I met over 100 men through on line dating sites and spoke with hundreds.

[Tygerlyly53]

I think it's fine to message a stranger that you changed your mind about meeting. I think it's fine not to. I don't think it's ghosting if you don't. I don't think anyone you end up not meeting needs to tell you why he changed his mind and I don't think it's a good idea to get attached prior to meeting in person. I met over 100 men through on line dating sites and spoke with hundreds.

 

Yeah, I have stopped talking to people I "met" online if we were just chatting via email or text but I never disappeared on someone AFTER we physically met in person. I may not have continued seeing them, but I gave them the courtesy of an explanation.

 

With this guy, although we never met, I guess I just felt guilty because he kept reaching out to me and I wasn't sure what to tell him. Plus, I am still hurt from someone disappearing on me so I know what it feels like to be left in the dark.

 

I appreciate all the input I have received on this forum. I am still nursing a broken heart and coming here helps. Even for just a little while. I just wish I had happy news to post for a change.

[Batya33]

Yeah, I have stopped talking to people I "met" online if we were just chatting via email or text but I never disappeared on someone AFTER we physically met in person. I may not have continued seeing them, but I gave them the courtesy of an explanation.

 

With this guy, although we never met, I guess I just felt guilty because he kept reaching out to me and I wasn't sure what to tell him. Plus, I am still hurt from someone disappearing on me so I know what it feels like to be left in the dark.

 

I appreciate all the input I have received on this forum. I am still nursing a broken heart and coming here helps. Even for just a little while. I just wish I had happy news to post for a change.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting. A stranger who stops chatting is not leaving you in the dark. There is no leaving because he was never present in your life in any relevant way. If a stranger you pass on the street regularly waves should he stop you in the street once he knows he is moving so that you won't feel left in the dark? If you use a dating site simply to make that first contact, do your phone call and safety screening, and then meet or not, you won't feel left in the dark or like someone who never appeared in your life in the first place disappeared. If you do that you'll be able to meet more people more often because you won't get cynical or bitter imagining that people "ghost" etc.

 

I never texted when I dated through online sites and sometimes exchanged a few messages. We messaged on the site 2-3 times, then one phone call, then plan a meet or not, and if we planned, one more call to confirm. I broke that rule very few times.

[Tygerlyly53]

Generally, I try to follow similar rules. I don't like endless emails/texts and no meet up. I actually mention in my profile that I prefer talking on the phone to texting. A few men have been okay with that but I think it is turning a lot of men off because most like to only text. Personally, I can get a feel for the person by their voice so I like to hear them.

[Batya33]

Generally, I try to follow similar rules. I don't like endless emails/texts and no meet up. I actually mention in my profile that I prefer talking on the phone to texting. A few men have been okay with that but I think it is turning a lot of men off because most like to only text. Personally, I can get a feel for the person by their voice so I like to hear them.

 

Same here. I had good emails with a number of men and then declined to meet them once we talked by phone.

[IAmFCA]

After years of OLD i dont like messaging or talking on the phone. I like a lot of men as people but am interested in dating a very few. A few messages and then meet up, works for me.

 

The last date I went on, we can talk for hours using any medium and in person. I think he's gay. Obvi am not interested. He thinks I'm awesome. I don't have the heart to tell him he has no shot ever; it is so obvious we get along and have shared interests. I hate that.

 

I'd rather just meet and be done with it.