What to do after first date?

[Careerchoice]

I make hints about my interest but it just feels "off" as she doesn't reciprocate

 

I wouldn't be phased by this. Women can be guarded at the beginning and they don't show all of their cards right away. If she meets with you, she has interest.

 

- she doesn't ask much questions and I know a LOT more about her than she knows about me

 

We already went over this. It's your job to lead the conversation. Talk about yourself without making her ask you questions. Don't rely on her to lead.

 

- she doesn't start a conversation (except for 2 or 3 times when she messaged me "hello", "good morning" or something like that) and if I don't message her I doubt she will remember to do it (I don't know how much that is connected to her interest level)

 

You haven't gotten her interest high enough for her to do that. That burden is on you. You're still too emotionally sensitive about her actions. You're reacting to her instead of being nonreactive.

 

- sometimes she completely changes the topic; one moment we are having a joyful conversation and the next one she goes in totally different direction

 

Once again, your job to lead the conversation.

 

it can happen even after a big conversation "gap" - for example she's seen my last message, then I hear nothing from her for several hours (or even days) and then she continues the conversation wtih something totally different (like when once I told her I will bring her a kiss the next time we see and she went blank for couple of hours, then continued the conversation with an info about her travelling home )

 

That's normal of her.

 

I have to kiss her next time we see each other or we will be the best girlfriends in the world Any suggestions about that?

 

Yes, kiss her

[bbogdanov]

This morning she messaged me first, what a success We did some small talk, it turned out she'd caught her hair in the banknote counter at work (man, that girl is crazy Luckily, she's still got all of it

 

This topic became something like a diary LOL. I hope the moderators doesn't mind, there are plenty of useful opinions (to me) and I am grateful to all the posters here! I will keep you updated, just grab some popcorn and enjoy the movie

[RainyCoast]

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitttttttttttt'ssss Saturyay!

 

just dropping by for a fist bump, have fun B and give us the beeswax when you're back!

[bbogdanov]

Well, it was a good experience but I am now leaning towards ending this BS because I didn't get a kiss. I was more physical, touched her more, even placed myself on her lounger for a while (imagine two grown-up people in a narrow pool chair, we were packed in like sardines ) where I embraced her. I mentioned a different and better swimming pool and she said we were going there the next time so I thought there is some progress, but... When we parted ways I hugged her and went for a kiss, but she was smiling and turned to her side avoiding my advance and then turned to the other side as I made a second attempt. It was a little bit confusing and I was dissappointed but smiling and we said goodbye.

[RainyCoast]

apart from the tactile evasiveness though, how was it? do you think you click?

[bbogdanov]

I think it was good, but it could be a good experience with any of my friends. I think she enjoyed it, me too, but still - nothing...

[bbogdanov]

The things went in the wrong direction today, I think

 

I was messaging her and there was some small talk. I asked what her plans for the next weekend were and it turned out she was leaving town again.

 

I suggested then that we could spend the Friday evening at her home, make some dinner, watch movies etc. and I would get her to the bus station in the morning. She did not reply anything (I said we were not going to do "anything" ) for a couple of hours and I asked if she's still thinking about it. She said that she isn't, she was just busy with customers, but there will be some traffic issues on the highway so she may get the late train on Friday evening (BS ).

 

I then asked about her training schedule (she goes to dance classes and some aerobics) and told her I've got an interesting plan for tomorrow. She said "I guess your idea is to go home after dance classes?".

 

I then asked her if there's something that bothers her or is it that she just doesn't have an interest in me. She told me she feels pushed to the wall and it's better to discuss it in person.

 

I said it's not necessary to tell me in person, if she doesn't want to communicate/go out with me anymore - she can just message me and I am ok. Just to let me know.

 

She said she wants to, but doesn't think both of us want the same thing. She said she doesn't know exactly what I want, but she guesses that probably after about 4-5 times I will say that I don't want a relationship (??). She told me she is sick of people wanting just sex and not a relationship and she's got her own way of protecting herself so she doesn't end up used.

 

I then reminded her that I am chasing her for several months now and I don't think I would be if I was just looking for sex. I want a relationship and she could be my girlfriend eventually. I said that she doesn't allow me to advance a little bit and I am hitting a wall.

 

She then said she's had some bad experience with it and that's the reason. I told her I am not that kind of person and it's up to her - either she chooses to get to know me and see it for herself or she doesn't.

 

Now I don't know what to do...

[RainyCoast]

yeah, i figured as much.

 

it's why i said i don't see the logic behind making it physical with someone you don't even know with certainty you like, or them you.

 

you haven't been "chasing her for several months now" dude, that's simply not true--not on her end certainly-- i mean i suppose maybe that's how long you've been thinking about it, but there hasn't actually been any increased communication, let alone dates, until just recently. it's new. she barely knows you, or you her, and she's right man, the physical thing....i mean not saying to act sterile by any means, it's just that...there's really no shortage of people she could do that with, and if she's looking for something else, she's hoping you're not in that mere thrill seeking crowd.

 

I don't get physical just for the sake of it. Maybe I am old-fashioned, who knows... I want to get to know her but I wish it was easier and not so confusing with all these mixed signals from her. I don't have any expectations and I don't put the cart before the horse. I just want to go to more dates with her as I find her physically attractive, she is intelligent, has great sense of humor, good job etc.

arrrgh.

yeah but you did make it physical before you were over your "confusion" over what this was, what it feels like, whether you even click well, which is something people do when they want a thrill, and not when they want to prevent another meaningless encounter. i get it, i do, you're attracted but...you're not 16, you can make it through two dates without smooching a woman who clearly evaded explicit advances up until that point. she even flat out ignored the comments, not even a hint back from her, nothing...she obviously was hoping to skip the part where a practical stranger gets handsy. considering there have just been a couple of convos that weren't all that as far as getting to know a person goes if they kept leaving you confused, and two dates, i don't think that was weird of her.

 

i'd start clearing this part up with yourself, can you sustain an interest in her if she's not making it physical, and do you even want to.

 

then, if yes, and if given a chance, i'd take everything psychical off the table for now. sorry bro. ironically, i bet if you hadn't pushed the tactile stuff saturday, some of it would've been right around the next corner. but this way, she's already convinced this is headed the familiar way, and the familiar is useless to her by the sounds of it.

 

 

i'm glad she was honest, that was a straightforward explanation there, and i think it was good of you to clarify you don't mind hearing it over text. in person, i think it likely you would've just gotten the "we're just not a match" and that would've been it. maybe you still have a shot at this, if you honestly feel interested enough when the physical part is off the table.

 

of course, if you don't feel like the bother, than that's a solution too. then you've at least realized you're looking for something else at the moment, and you can zoom in on the folks who are up for it.

 

see, either way, it's a win

[tattoobunnie]

Wait, confused. You've only been on two dates with her, and you're trying to pull a "Netflix and Chill" date on her? Ugh, yeah, the "Friday evening at her home, make some dinner, watch movies etc" equals, "I wanna sex you up." If I were you, I'd call her (Not while you're both at work), and ask her if she'd like to check out this restaurant when she gets back that you heard for really great, and been meaning to try it. Or go to the museum. Do something that's fun that doesn't involve going to eachother's homes.

[RainyCoast]

Do something that's fun that doesn't involve going to eachother's homes.

or tongues. or hands.

[bbogdanov]

I told her she got me wrong. I don't seek for sex at all at the moment, I want a serious relationship. But why do all women expect that an evening home with dinner and movies will lead to sex? It's logical but it's not necessarily 100% true. I didn't intend to. I admit that I'm doing it wrong. I've had 3 serious relationships (the longest one for almost 4 years) and none of my previous girlfriends was so hesitant to open up. I am not accustomed to this type of behaviour and I mess things up. I am getting frustrated as I am doing almost all of the work and while I'm the man, I can't make us two get into a relationship, it takes two to tango. I feel like she's not interested enough, she doesn't even know me?! She throws up tons of information, speaks of her friends/family by their names (like I'm supposed to know them and who's who??) etc. At the same time I can't say anything about me, the conversation goes in one direction. I may well be a serial killer and she wouldn't know...

 

Never mind, I told her I am not that type of person and it's up to her if she wants to check it out or not...

[tattoobunnie]

So those other 3 relationships didn't work out, regardless if they were long term and serious...not all women put all their eggs into a basket they barely know. You can't take everything so personally too, which is what you're doing. If you want a woman to open up, make her comfortable, and that means, no dates at eachother's homes until you build a really strong rapport emotionally. Kissing is cool. But I'm sure you can wait at least 6 dates before you aim to get very physical.

[bbogdanov]

I am angry at myself and at the situation. She doesn't owe me anything and my anger is not towards her. She is comfortable around me, I guess, or she wouldn't tell me her whole life... I admit the date suggestion was my fault, but I really didn't want to get physical. I can wait more than 6 dates, I am not some maniac. Yet I don't like such guarded behaviour. I am not some of her previous bitter experiences. I can't invest so much time and energy as I get exhausted. I don't want an "easy" woman but I would be glad if there was some development. I am totally vulnerable, I laid all my cards on the table and I've showed my interest so I can't do much more than that. Everyone here knows that rejection s***s! I am facing it from the very beginning...

[Careerchoice]

I told her she got me wrong. I don't seek for sex at all at the moment, I want a serious relationship. But why do all women expect that an evening home with dinner and movies will lead to sex? It's logical but it's not necessarily 100% true. I didn't intend to. I admit that I'm doing it wrong.

 

Just because you tried something that didn't work the way you intended, doesn't mean that you're doing something wrong. Please don't let these people jump down your throat like this. You're not some sex crazed maniac. It's obvious to me, so defending yourself against these accusations is a waste of your time and only serves to confuse you further. You don't have to be perfect to get the girl. And what you've done so far has had positive unintended consequences (prevented against any friendzone, shown you have romantic interest in her).

 

I don't think you've done anything "wrong" so far.

 

I am getting frustrated as I am doing almost all of the work and while I'm the man, I can't make us two get into a relationship, it takes two to tango.

 

It's not always easy. A lot of girls have baggage; especially the more attractive girls.

 

I feel like she's not interested enough, she doesn't even know me?! She throws up tons of information, speaks of her friends/family by their names (like I'm supposed to know them and who's who??) etc. At the same time I can't say anything about me, the conversation goes in one direction. I may well be a serial killer and she wouldn't know...

 

You keep showing your doubt in her interest in you. It doesn't make sense. If she wasn't interested in you, she would stop responding to you. She definitely wouldn't go on dates with you.

 

And remember, it's up to you to start interjecting yourself into the conversation more. No one else can do it for you.

 

Never mind, I told her I am not that type of person and it's up to her if she wants to check it out or not...

 

It really is the case. Talk to her until you get to a resolution one way or the other.

[Careerchoice]

I am angry at myself and at the situation.

 

Calm down mate. It's not a life or death type of situation here. It's just dating.

 

She is comfortable around me, I guess, or she wouldn't tell me her whole life...

 

She is comfortable, and she is interested.

 

I admit the date suggestion was my fault, but I really didn't want to get physical. I can wait more than 6 dates, I am not some maniac.

 

It wasn't a bad idea. Maybe you tried going a little too quick for what she was ready for, but other girls or in other situations, it would be fine to go faster. Two weeks ago, I hung out with a girl for the first time at a bar and we went back to her place and did everything but sex. Then the next time we had sex.

 

Yet I don't like such guarded behaviour. I am not some of her previous bitter experiences. I can't invest so much time and energy as I get exhausted. I don't want an "easy" woman but I would be glad if there was some development. I am totally vulnerable, I laid all my cards on the table and I've showed my interest so I can't do much more than that. Everyone here knows that rejection s***s! I am facing it from the very beginning...

All your feelings are justified. Hang in there. Let the situation play out to completion. It won't take much longer.

[bbogdanov]

5 dates and 2 1/2 months later - still nothing I now doubt my sanity, what am I doing? Women are mystery to me...

[Careerchoice]

Either she's ready for another date soon or time for you to bounce to other things. Things can go slow, but they must progress or it goes stale. You're not going to sit and wait for her forever.

[katrina1980]

Either she's ready for another date soon or time for you to bounce to other things. Things can go slow, but they must progress or it goes stale. You're not going to sit and wait for her forever.

 

I vote for bounce to other things (girls).

 

When one begins to doubt their own sanity, that is their cue to leave. It should have never even gotten to this point.

 

Just walk, and look for a woman who reciprocates your feelings.

[bbogdanov]

I don't think she's ready for another date soon or whenever in the future Tried to arrange the next date (a trip in the countryside) but she said she was very surprised and it would be better to offer that trip to someone else. She doesn't feel like going there and she is sorry. I took that as an end from her side and told her that I understand she doesn't want to see each other and that's fine...

 

I am just wondering - do you need several dates to decide you don't like somebody? I've been rejected in the past, of course, and it happens after the first date usually. The women just tell me (not necessarily in a direct way) it's not going to happen, they don't like me, they are looking for something else or whatever. And that's totally fine - 99,99% of the women in the world wouldn't like me and that doesn't bother me. But communicating for months, going on several dates, spending energy, having some hopes etc. What's the point??

 

The last date was fine. I didn't see anything disturbing. We walked in the park for couple hours, talked much, then went to dinner. I tried to touch her more and even was even hugging her. She doesn't mind it and the next day - s**t...

[figureitout23]

Well, dating, to me, is getting to know each other. You're not going to have a person figured out in one date. Each subsequent date, you're going to learn something new, notice more about their appearance and how they carry themselves, it's part of the fun of dating in my opinion, you learn something each time you see them. Sometimes you learn something that's a deal breaker. I wouldn't say it's unusual.

[bbogdanov]

You're right. I try to think of something that could be a deal breaker for her but I guess only she would know what that is. Everything seemed "normal" up until now but something in me could've repelled her...

[Careerchoice]

You're right. I try to think of something that could be a deal breaker for her but I guess only she would know what that is. Everything seemed "normal" up until now but something in me could've repelled her...

 

No way to know, but don't be phased by it. Not everybody is going to like you. As far as whether you did anything, you should talk to lots of girls and see if you notice any trends. Too difficult to figure out by one girl.

[bbogdanov]

She told me she didn't want me to think that she wants a relationship... Why then go out on 5 dates?? I just don't get it. She told me we'd discussed it in the beginning - absolute BS. I told her there's something wrong with her, definitely...

[tattoobunnie]

It is usually code for you does not want a relationship with you. And there is nothing wrong with her. After 5 dates, she didn't think you meshed well, and did not want to go further. I sorry buddy, but just because you go on a few dates with a person does not mean exclusivity or you're gonna get married. It takes several dates to get to know a person a bit better. And it can take years to know if you want to commit for the long haul. Don't take it personally; if you aren't the right fit, you aren't the right fit. This is why you shouldn't put all your eggs in one basket right away. You date to get to know people. People don't owe you anything, even if you've went on several dates.

[figureitout23]

It is usually code for you does not want a relationship with you. And there is nothing wrong with her. After 5 dates, she didn't think you meshed well, and did not want to go further. I sorry buddy, but just because you go on a few dates with a person does not mean exclusivity or you're gonna get married. It takes several dates to get to know a person a bit better. And it can take years to know if you want to commit for the long haul. Don't take it personally; if you aren't the right fit, you aren't the right fit. This is why you shouldn't put all your eggs in one basket right away. You date to get to know people. People don't owe you anything, even if you've went on several dates.

 

You know, while I agree completely in theory with the bold. When put into practice, I think we, as humans, cant help but feel the sting when we like someone and they don't like us back. I don't think there's anyway to fully avoid that. Typically the other men or women you're dating are buffers, there's always going to be a front runner, and as you're dating the same people more and more the order may change, but someones always going to have our attention more than others, that's just how were typically hardwired.

 

Rules aren't going to protect your ego, I think changing ones mindset will. Like not going in with expectations, trying to meet as soon as possible so a false attachment isn't formed before you meet, quickly recognizing when their interest is low (if you have to ask, you already have your answer) Trying not to take rejection personal and most of all going in knowing the other person is not responsible for your emotional wellbeing, you are. They owe you nothing and we cant hold them to our own personal standards we can only hold ourselves responsible.

 

OPer being angry or bitter or trying to find fault in her isn't going to do you any good. She didnt do anything wrong per se. Reading the post, it seems her interest was low and you were kind of in denial about it.Theres someone out there for you, dont lose hope

 

ETA - I'm not saying anything against multidating, I think it has many benefits and does indeed help with not 'putting your eggs all in one basket' I just don't think its a catch all. I think rejection from someone you're interested in hurts. It may hurt less if you have another date on Tuesday, but it still hurts.