What to do after first date?

[bbogdanov]

I know I haven't done enough, but I really feel foolish and I thought communication was not supposed to be one-sided (at least it wasn't with my ex in the beginning). If she has some interest, at least she could send some "hello" once in a week and initiate some conversation... It seems like a lot of work and I am getting exhausted chasing her. I thought things were meant to happen more fluently.

 

Never mind. When do I message her and what do I suggest?

[Careerchoice]

I thought communication was not supposed to be one-sided (at least it wasn't with my ex in the beginning).

 

Sometimes you get lucky and the right balance is found without any effort. Most times you will have to do most of the talking up front until she sees you're cool, then you can go 50/50 on communication or sit back and let her talk a bit. You have to be able to adapt though, since each situation is different.

 

If she has some interest, at least she could send some "hello" once in a week and initiate some conversation.

 

No, incorrect. The fact that she responds to you shows you she has "some" interest. The fact that she's gone on dates with you shows you that she has more interest. Now she doesn't have enough interest to initiate conversation with you, but that just means you haven't done enough to capture enough of her interest yet. It's a process and it takes patience. Don't judge yourself negatively for not getting her interested enough yet, since you are just getting back in the game.

 

It seems like a lot of work and I am getting exhausted chasing her.

 

Learning how to get girls is a lot of work. It gets easier as you get better. Eventually you start to have fun with it and it doesn't even seem like work at all.

 

I thought things were meant to happen more fluently.

 

They do for guys who are naturals with women or who have learned how to succeed with women. No big deal. You just have to learn how to be better.

 

When do I message her and what do I suggest?

 

Message her asap. Make some small talk, then see what her plans are for the rest of the week. On one of her days off, suggest a meet up. It shouldn't take that much work.

[bbogdanov]

I don't know... Maybe I will message her in the next few days but I feel ashamed in some way. Like some loser that's chasing a girl who's not so interested... That's how I feel.

[Careerchoice]

No. You are a go-getter who goes after what he wants. Have no shame for such a small gesture as messaging her with the intent to ask her on a date. She doesn't know who you really are yet, so there is time to entice her. Good things don't come easy.

[bbogdanov]

Ok, so what my next message should look like, literally? The last time she told me she's got some work to do and doesn't know if she'll be available for the weekend. She also asked me how I was doing. I said "Ok, let me know if you manage to find some free time and we'll go out. I am fine, working on a project" and she just saw it without continuing the dialogue. I guess it will be stupid to send another message now as I left the ball in her court, right? I've got a wrong mindset, probably, but I thought it would be polite to tell me she hadn't managed to find time to go out. I get angry as it's like fighting a brick wall

[Careerchoice]

I guess it will be stupid to send another message now as I left the ball in her court, right?

 

Not stupid. It's not that big of a deal. It's just a message. Your pride is getting in your way.

 

I've got a wrong mindset, probably, but I thought it would be polite to tell me she hadn't managed to find time to go out.

 

You do have a wrong mindset. You two hardly know each other. What do you owe each other? It's not like you're on the top of her mind or anything. You're just some random guy to her until you set yourself apart, which you haven't yet. Girls rarely pursue guys, especially at the beginning. Get used to it.

 

I get angry as it's like fighting a brick wall

 

You should really calm down about this. It's just trying to set up another date with a girl. Nothing to get upset about.

[Careerchoice]

Ok, so what my next message should look like, literally?

 

You: hi

Her: hi

You: I did ABC today. How about you?

Her: I did XYZ today.

You: What do you have going on this week?

Her: XXXXX

You: let's get together XX and do XX

 

It doesn't have to be any more complicated than that. I, personally, enjoy talking to the women I'm courting. I don't get friendzoned (rarely at least), so I encourage girls to talk to me and open up to me. I've been joking with them with much better quality material so it becomes fun for everyone. It doesn't feel like work at all. It's fun.

[katrina1980]

bbgodanov, just caught up with this thread and my $.02 fwiw is listen to Careerchoice and follow his advice.

 

It may feel uncomfortable at first but it's good to step out of our comfort zones once in awhile, it builds character AND confidence.

 

@Careerchoice, we need more men like you posting on this forum!

 

Good luck OP.

[bbogdanov]

Thanks! I will be glad to hear your further opinions on the topic. But for now - "the saga continues"

 

Messaged her in the morning asking how she was doing. She complained she'd cut her hand and had to go to the hospital for an injection and a bandage, then she catched her fingers in the door and to top it all - her kangoo jumps boots broke. F***, am I supposed to listen to all that? Women are strange...

 

I told her I knew a remedy for the injured hand and she asked what it was. BANG! An ice cream festival at Saturday (she loves ice cream!) She said she wanted to go to an outdoor swimming pool as the weather will be good then and now that I offered her the festival - she is in two minds. "Well, we can go to both places", I say, and then ask her whom she will go to the pool with. "I can go with you, if you want" (hell yeah, of course I want to ).

 

Now, I am preparing mentally for this Saturday. I have to do something or I will be a "friend" forever ROFL... Suggestions?

[RainyCoast]

B! hi there!

 

So it's a date Saturday?

 

k, mate, before i start, keep in mind i'm very slow with this stuff myself so take it with a grain of salt.

 

i do admire the guys brave attitude on here, and it probably helps with girls who are interested but shy, awkward, feeling clumsy or whatever. but i would take it a tad slower, you don't know what this is yet. sorry to catastrophize, don't want to be a party pooper but what if it's awful and you have to weasel your way out of it?

 

i mean, it doesn't sound like you've gotten to know each other that well, so i wouldn't put the cart before the horse. what's the point of dating, if you turn out completely incompatible?

 

okay, i'll stop with the horror scenario now. sort of.

 

the hellos and cat vids could just have literally been "hello"s, "you still there?" or something to that effect. maybe a cue to talk. or she just really found it hilarious and wanted to share a laugh. who doesn't like a funny cat/ vid.

 

she might talk about herself a lot because she's comfortable around you (yay), or she's just self-centered. sometimes it feels weird asking people too much, when you're not sure how much they're comfortable saying, so you start with yourself until you see they're equally comfortable talking about themselves.

 

maybe to test it out, start by saying you had a very interesting day, or you've been thinking about something interesting. *pause...then...we wait* when you like people, anything they have to say is interesting, so it would be really weird if she wasn't keen on listening, and then i'd personally be wondering if she could be one of those people to whom partners are basically mirrors to view their awesomeness reflected in, and i might backtrack instead of "escalating it", or whatever "maneuver" the gents are on about (with respect, i honestly never understood the "rules" and don't see the point of men torturing themselves with them). i guess just drop a bait to see if she wants to hear about you.

 

good thinking on the remedy!!! see, you're not rusty

 

 

fingers crossed and keep us updated.

[RainyCoast]

btw are you all engineers or IT guys or something? all the rule-book talk sounds like you're trying to crack the programming language to enter commands in. we're not computers, it's not that complicated.

 

you can ditch the manual, i promise it's not necessary.

 

you get on well or you don't.

[bbogdanov]

Well, I do take it slowly as you see I am not in a rush and I want to get to know her. You've got an interesting point of view, I will take note of it. And YES - I AM an engineer

[Sportster2005]

I've met a girl working in a bank office while I was there to arrange some things and later I added her on FB (3 months ago). We've been messaging each other occasionally, nothing special. Tried to get her out on a date with me a couple of times but the circumstances were against it.

 

Never mind, I got her number eventually and we went out on Sunday. Spent 4 hours at a couple of places and I really enjoyed it! Sent her a message on the next day to tell her I had a wonderful time and threw out a hint for next date. She told me she had too enjoyed the time spent together and the conversation continued with some other topics.

 

In the next couple of days we exchanged some messages but nothing special. I asked what her plans for the weekend were but it turned out she will spend it with her parents in the countryside and so I continued with some other general topics.

 

What do I do now? I've been out of the dating scene for a long time (more than 4 years) and honestly - I don't know how to act. Should I call or message her more, should I pull back and wait for her?

 

It appears she is not so entusiastic when it comes to messaging. In these 3 months most of the times I initiate a conversation and she doesn't like to write a lot. Sometimes out of the blue she just shoots a "hello" or some cat video from FB, which I totally don't undertand the point of (given the fact that we hadn't had messaged for a couple of weeks before that) What is that behaviour??

 

During our meeting she was a total opposite. She was smiling, highly energetic, I could hardly tell anything about me, she told me a TON of things about her life, she was even joking with me and holding my elbow and leaning on me I don't understand women AT ALL! I am now in a complete mystery about what should I do...

 

When people are into you, they won't leave you wondering how they feel about you. This women's interest is mild at best. The best thing you can do is respond with mild interest. Coming on strong will kill any interest she has.

[Sportster2005]

I know I haven't done enough, but I really feel foolish and I thought communication was not supposed to be one-sided (at least it wasn't with my ex in the beginning). If she has some interest, at least she could send some "hello" once in a week and initiate some conversation... It seems like a lot of work and I am getting exhausted chasing her. I thought things were meant to happen more fluently.

 

Never mind. When do I message her and what do I suggest?

 

The reality is if a woman doesn't seem interested, they're probably not. If you're getting tired of chasing her, that's a sign it's time to put your energies elsewhere. If it's not easy or more fluent you're dealing with two possibilities. She's either not interested, or she's playing hard to get. Both possibilities are not acceptable. Women can let you chase, but they need to give some encouragement. The ones that don't aren't interested, or playing games. Personally I would cut this one loose. Life is too short and there's too many women out there.

[bbogdanov]

Well, I am getting confused now Does she have a mild interest or any at all? Does she play games or what? Too many questions in my head and it doesn't make me feel better. As I said I am out of the game for more than 4 years now. And me and my ex started dating very differently. There was more interest from both sides, she was the one chasing me more, I was aloof somewhat etc.

[RainyCoast]

you really haven't interacted that much, so who knows what's up. she doesn't really know you that well either, so she could be equally tentative.

 

 

i get what Sport is saying though. i used to think it takes ( and deserves) hard work B, making it work. but i find i have a good idea of what i like or not, so i don't bother at all if it's not up my alley. who needs that. if you work well together, you just do, and if you don't, not worth trying to come up with a magic code to make it work. no sense forcing things that feel off.

 

if saturday is a blast, there you go. if not, you gave it a fair shot.

[Careerchoice]

Well, I do take it slowly as you see I am not in a rush and I want to get to know her. You've got an interesting point of view, I will take note of it. And YES - I AM an engineer

 

Take it any slower than this and you will get friendzoned.

[bbogdanov]

I don't want to end there. I'll try to come up with some "plan" But you people are confusing me with these different opinions (no offense)

[Careerchoice]

You're going to get different opinions friend; this is a message board. It's up to you to decide which advice makes the most sense, or none at all. At the end of the day, you have to live with the results.

 

I think my line of thinking makes sense. After a long hiatus from dating, I'm starting to get results again. I don't like to speculate when giving advice, but I think your next move is clear. There's nothing left to do so I would just wait until Saturday and put this out of your mind in the meantime.

[bbogdanov]

Should I message her in the meantime or just wait for Friday to set things up?

[Careerchoice]

Seeing through your eyes, maybe message her on Thursday and set things up. Same thing though, make small talk first. Setting up a date shouldn't be like making a doctor's appointment.

[bbogdanov]

Messaged her today to make some small talk, but didn't arrange the date. There will be no ice cream festival as she got an appointment at the beauty salon. The swimming pool, though, stays.

 

I still don't understand her...

- sometimes when I ask her how she's doing she answers very concisely; sometimes she pours out everything that's happened to her with all the little details and I feel like I'm some kind of a girlfriend to her (she does it sometimes even without me asking her, just as the conversaton flows)

- I try to make some compliments (occasionally) but she seems to not "see" them at all; I make hints about my interest but it just feels "off" as she doesn't reciprocate; the only times I saw some interest from her were the couple of times when she said she would like to go out with me and even then it was very subtle; she even confronted me once when I told her I am sure she is the best employee in her office (I said that as a compliment and it was sincere as I was very satisfied with her service and knowledge in her profession) but she told me in a somewhat angry manner that I didn't knew that as I'd been there only once

- she doesn't ask much questions and I know a LOT more about her than she knows about me (she asked me what I do for a living on the second date!); she acknowledges she speaks too much but in a somewhat cute way, it's sweet

- she doesn't start a conversation (except for 2 or 3 times when she messaged me "hello", "good morning" or something like that) and if I don't message her I doubt she will remember to do it (I don't know how much that is connected to her interest level)

- sometimes she completely changes the topic; one moment we are having a joyful conversation and the next one she goes in totally different direction e.g. about the weather, the difficulties at work etc. (I think sometimes it happens when I am being more flirty, make some compliments or hints but I am not sure); it can happen even after a big conversation "gap" - for example she's seen my last message, then I hear nothing from her for several hours (or even days) and then she continues the conversation wtih something totally different (like when once I told her I will bring her a kiss the next time we see and she went blank for couple of hours, then continued the conversation with an info about her travelling home )

 

She is cute in a somewhat silly way She is very talkative in person, expressive, emotional, energetic, positive... The total opposite of my ex so I am amused!

 

I have to kiss her next time we see each other or we will be the best girlfriends in the world Any suggestions about that?

[RainyCoast]

B, she could be dodging advances as in, someone who doesn't really know her yet can't genuinely mean them, plus given those lines are often just ways to score quickly women may be guarded about them initially..."escalating" things can backfire if the other is wondering whether you're escalating a good thing or a meaningless thrill- and if she thinks you don't know her, then she could've been thinking you're doing just that, intentionally or not. but i must admit i'm really taken aback that she seems almost crass about the advances, and just brutally ignores them all...

 

it also seems you act more than a little interested in her, she must be seeing that by now so i don't see a reason for her to be so aloof if she's half as interested as you are. frankly, completely blanking out any sign of interest or replying sternly to it is quite...something. if there were a modicum of interest, or a demure reciprocation, i'd say she's interested but just trying to set a somewhat rational pace to prevent a poorly conceived fling. this though, kinda rude, huh?

 

a salon appointment? really? but you already talked about the ice cream thing last time? who schedules that if they're eager to see you on the same day? do you think she may have scheduled it to make the date shorter so if it doesn't go well you both can get out of it pretty quickly?

 

hoping saturday clears away the icky feeling.

 

p.s. imma be straightforward bro, do you just want to score? i mean if you do and she's aware and up for it, cool for you both. but if you're hoping to date someone, or more, i really don't see the point of making things physical sooner then you actually get to see whether this is someone and something you event want, or she you.

 

you have so many unanswered questions ad conflicting impressions now, and she's being dismissive to a noticeable degree, i wouldn't want to shove anything into anyone if i was wondering whether they're even interested in me...just sayin'...

 

the PUA "manual" is making me sick. and i think it would be beneath you to dumb yourself down and replace your perfectly good discernment with it.

 

do you like where this is going? do you feel good around her? do you want to know that you do, this saturday? if so, and all goes well, you won't need to be told what to do.

[bbogdanov]

I do try to make genuine compliments and, like I said, I don't make so much, it's just occasionally (and they are part of the courtship process, I guess). I still don't know what exactly escalating is as a process and I just do what I feel, I have no evil "plans" for making her my wife I don't think she is crass about my advances, I guess it is more some kind of a wall she's built around herself and wants to take things sloooooowlyyy. A couple of times when I was making hints she told me that time will tell, we'll see what happens in the future.

 

The cosmetologist could only offer a 5 PM appointment as the other hours were taken (yeah, maybe I believe that LOL), but I don't think it's intentional. I try to think good of people and to trust them. Am I naive? Never mind, we'll go to the pool probably in the morning (something like 10-11 AM) so there will be plenty of time for us enjoy and the beauty salon is just across the street so she won't have a long trip there

 

Honestly, I don't want to "score". And even more honestly - I've never "scored". I've been with 3 women in my life and all these girls were my LTR girlfriends. I don't get physical just for the sake of it. Maybe I am old-fashioned, who knows... I want to get to know her but I wish it was easier and not so confusing with all these mixed signals from her. I don't have any expectations and I don't put the cart before the horse. I just want to go to more dates with her as I find her physically attractive, she is intelligent, has great sense of humour, good job etc.

 

I don't know what PUA manual you're talking about. Please clarify.

 

I do feel good around her, but bear in mind I only dated her twice. This Saturday I hope to enjoy the time spent together and I really like to show her more of my interest but the situation should be appropriate, I guess?

[RainyCoast]

I want to get to know her but I wish it was easier and not so confusing with all these mixed signals from her.

hey, only two more sleepsies and one more worksie day and you'll have some idea

 

I don't know what PUA manual you're talking about. Please clarify.

eh, i was just referring to the "escalation" (yeah, i don't think i follow either) and related "maneuvers" and the idea you're doomed to land in some "zone" if you don't jump before you even know where you're jumping. i'm sure the pressure wouldn't help.

 

of course, will tune in on saturday for updates, breaking news and to drop a cheer or two