Acceptance she's not coming back - 5 weeks on

[RKO]

Dated the above girl today, beautiful, beautiful girl, lovely person too, interesting with what she had to talk about, ticked all the boxes I look for in a girl.... but.... she's not my ex

 

Following on from above, as each day went by the high of last Saturday went, and the ex creeped back in along with the dreams. I wasn't really feeling today, I wasn't myself and I don't think I came across well on the date.

 

I spoke to my friends and they were at me to move on and I will regret not pursuing this girl, it's 2 months today since the break up.

 

Do i take my friends advice and carry on with this girl? Although haven't had an indication she wants another date, or just carry on trying to move on and heal?

[boltnrun]

I don't know, it would really suck if you did pursue this new girl, maybe date her for several months, she falls in love with you, then finds out you still love your ex and never loved her. She'd end up feeling the way you've been feeling.

 

Do you want to take that chance with someone else's feelings?

[RKO]

I don't know, it would really suck if you did pursue this new girl, maybe date her for several months, she falls in love with you, then finds out you still love your ex and never loved her. She'd end up feeling the way you've been feeling.

 

Do you want to take that chance with someone else's feelings?

 

Exactly I wouldn't want to do that but realistically, and I know everyone is different, surely I will have moved on from the ex a year down the line?

[boltnrun]

Exactly I wouldn't want to do that but realistically, and I know everyone is different, surely I will have moved on from the ex a year down the line?

 

So you'd expect this lovely girl to date you for a year hoping you eventually get over your ex? That seems unfair to her, IMO.

[Batya33]

Go out with her 3 more times -do not have sex with her - and give this a real chance. If you still aren't feeling it then stop asking her out. That's fair imo.

[RKO]

Go out with her 3 more times -do not have sex with her - and give this a real chance. If you still aren't feeling it then stop asking her out. That's fair imo.

I think that's fair too, as I said I don't even know if there will be another date as I don't think I came across that well today, I was very guarded and possibly didn't look like I was enjoying myself.

 

We shall see what happens

[kentlim261]

NC is means what?

[RKO]

Well the girl that I went out with yesterday has gone cold, don't blame her at all really, I didn't give off the impression I was interested at all. Sent a message asking her today how she feels aboit meeting up again and I've just had silence back. Again, no surprise and I'm not really that bothered which tells you everything.

 

I'm feeling more lost than ever right now. I don't know what more I can do to forgetting ex and get back to who I was.

[boltnrun]

You're not going to "forget" your ex. If that's your goal you're setting yourself up for failure.

 

Instead, why not make accepting the relationship is over your goal? I don't mean realizing it's over because of course you do. I mean accepting that it's over and no longer wishing for reconciliation.

[RKO]

You're not going to "forget" your ex. If that's your goal you're setting yourself up for failure.

 

Instead, why not make accepting the relationship is over your goal? I don't mean realizing it's over because of course you do. I mean accepting that it's over and no longer wishing for reconciliation.

That's what I'm trying to do but everything I'm trying isn't working.

 

I mean I know she isn't coming back but that doesn't stop me from hoping she does, when I think of her coming back I think of the negatives, e.g. Would I want someone back who walked away so easily? Would I want her back even though she's travelling for 4 months etc. This works for a bit but not long enough.

Any suggestions would be welcome

[Batya33]

Well the girl that I went out with yesterday has gone cold, don't blame her at all really, I didn't give off the impression I was interested at all. Sent a message asking her today how she feels aboit meeting up again and I've just had silence back. Again, no surprise and I'm not really that bothered which tells you everything.

 

I'm feeling more lost than ever right now. I don't know what more I can do to forgetting ex and get back to who I was.

 

Next time I wouldn't ask the person how she "feels' -just ask her out on a date -and call on the phone, not text. I would stop entertaining the thoughts you have about your ex with all the what ifs and rationalizations. Let the thoughts come - and don't engage them - don't fight them but also don't interact - just notice that they are there and move on from it. Move on by doing what you need to be doing right then, or by refocusing on something else - even if it's counting to ten where you visualize each number as you count.

[KAO328]

NC is means what?

 

It means No Contact.

 

On that note, what does IMO mean?

[kentlim261]

thank you. i understand

[Capricorn3]

On that note, what does IMO mean?

It means "In my opinion".

[shessofly]

That's what I'm trying to do but everything I'm trying isn't working.

 

I mean I know she isn't coming back but that doesn't stop me from hoping she does, when I think of her coming back I think of the negatives, e.g. Would I want someone back who walked away so easily? Would I want her back even though she's travelling for 4 months etc. This works for a bit but not long enough.

Any suggestions would be welcome

 

More time and adhering very strictly to nc. Also, not letting your thoughts sit on her all day. Find things to keep your mind occupied. You can't rush it. It takes as long as it takes, but you can do things to impede getting over her like texts, phone calls, social media stalking, and updates from well meaning friends.

[RKO]

The girl I dated the other day unsurprisingly doesn't want to meet again, said she had a nice time but it just "wasn't there" expected 100%, im not bothered by the outcome either. I wasn't myself.

 

I have tried all the above, I'm at my wits end now. Time isn't erasing anything

[boltnrun]

Hasn't it only been like 8 or 9 weeks?

 

You're not going to be completely "over it" that soon. Cut yourself some slack.

 

I would have to presume working with her brother isn't helping things any. I can imagine every time you see him it reminds you of her. Are you at least resisting the temptation to ask him about her?

[RKO]

8 weeks.

The only improvement is that I can eat now, she's still on my mind most the time, the other Saturday/Sunday was the best I've felt but still in the cold light of day things got back to the sadness.

 

I'm currently on holiday from work, I've not seen her brothers but yes I don't think it helps. Now and again she crops up in conversation

[MissCanuck]

You need more time, OP.

 

Going out with someone else right now wasn't a great idea, as you're clearly not ready for it. And that's perfectly fine. I agree that working with her brother slows this all down, since he's a constant reminder of her, even if he doesn't talk about her.

[RKO]

How do I get around working with her brother? I've just been promoted there, career wise I'm where I need to be at last, plus I was friends with him before meeting his sister.

[MissCanuck]

It doesn't sound like you can get around it without changing jobs altogether. And as I understand, that's not exactly a feasible option for you.

 

All you can really do is not talk about her with him, and ask that he not bring her up.

[RKO]

Yes. No way I can leave, it's my dream job that I've worked too hard for.

 

To be fair he doesn't mention her a lot and is definitely on the side of not wanting to talk about her.

 

I bring her up more than he does which I need to stop doing.

 

It's just when I see him I remember going away for his birthday with their family, it was the weekend I knew I loved this girl and told her so, she told it me back too.

 

Uch

[Batya33]

Yes. No way I can leave, it's my dream job that I've worked too hard for.

 

To be fair he doesn't mention her a lot and is definitely on the side of not wanting to talk about her.

 

I bring her up more than he does which I need to stop doing.

 

It's just when I see him I remember going away for his birthday with their family, it was the weekend I knew I loved this girl and told her so, she told it me back too.

 

Uch

 

i know it's hard and you can do this. And of course you should keep your job.

[RKO]

Thanks.

 

Today there was road works as I was heading out of town, unfortunately the diversion took me right past her house and her town for the 1st time in 2 months.

 

Things came flooding back as I took that drive I had many times before, I also had to pass it coming home again.

 

Wasn't the worst feeling I've had but it did drag up emotions, feelings and "what did I do wrong" questions.

 

Still the NC is going well, I don't feel the need to message her, I still miss her like crazy and do want her back if she came telling me it was a huge mistake on her part, I'm at I think 70% knowing now she isn't coming back. Which is an improvement.

 

I know she has another holiday with friends in a few weeks, so that's on my mind, her meeting other men out there, and then in December she travels for 4 months. I'm hoping things will be a lot better by then.

 

30% thinking she might come back? That's the part after she's travelled and come home...

[boltnrun]

I'm curious, what is it that she has said or done (or that you've heard from her brother) that supports this "30% she's might come back"?