Acceptance she's not coming back - 5 weeks on

[RKO]

I'm curious, what is it that she has said or done (or that you've heard from her brother) that supports this "30% she's might come back"?

 

Nothing at all, just the silly thing we call false hope in my head. I'm thinking once she's done her final bit of travelling she will think you know what, that guy was lovely, right person, wrong time but now it feels right. Ridiculously stupid I know.

 

The only minuscule other thing is that her brother has said she's been really miserable and down recently, as we've discussed, could be a million and one other things, and even if it is her being sad it doesn't mean she wants me back.

 

 

As I said, my own silly brain that I need to control

[boltnrun]

Didn't her brother also say this?

 

"Please please get over her and don't think about her, I promise she is not thinking about you at all or hurting. You cant be waiting for her because you will be waiting forever. Im not meaning to be harsh but i know that there is no point in you clinging on the even the tiniest bit of hope or having any feelings for her because she dosent have any for you. Pick yourself up forget everything about her and just do what you have to. Again not meaning to be harsh but its what you need to do

She obviously liked you but i dont think she loved you and thats why she ended it. you cant force love and at the time i think if she could have she would have but you cant so shes just eneded it before things got too serious."

 

I'm not trying to pile on you, but I've seen firsthand what happens to people who don't want to give up their "hope". One of my friends has been waiting for her ex to come back since 1995! She refused to give up even when he got married. She's wasted all these years waiting. It's a real shame.

[Batya33]

Nothing at all, just the silly thing we call false hope in my head. I'm thinking once she's done her final bit of travelling she will think you know what, that guy was lovely, right person, wrong time but now it feels right. Ridiculously stupid I know.

 

The only minuscule other thing is that her brother has said she's been really miserable and down recently, as we've discussed, could be a million and one other things, and even if it is her being sad it doesn't mean she wants me back.

 

 

As I said, my own silly brain that I need to control

 

Yes- control yourself and hanging on to innuendos and threads like that really makes you get in your own way.

[RKO]

Yes those words from her brother is what I keep trying to play over and over in my head.

 

I am feeling better and there has been an improvement looking back now. Maybe I should stop coming on here and dragging it all back up and reliving that night.

 

I know that today is the anniversary break up but I have lost count now how long it is, 2 months maybe? 9 weeks. I don't know.

 

How do you stop yourself from thinking about her when she creeps in there?

[Batya33]

Yes those words from her brother is what I keep trying to play over and over in my head.

 

I am feeling better and there has been an improvement looking back now. Maybe I should stop coming on here and dragging it all back up and reliving that night.

 

I know that today is the anniversary break up but I have lost count now how long it is, 2 months maybe? 9 weeks. I don't know.

 

How do you stop yourself from thinking about her when she creeps in there?

 

You don't. You just notice the thought nonchalantly and let it coexist in your head while you get on with the business and fun of life.

[RKO]

Hi everyone hope you are all well and seeing me hasn't brought the "oh god he's back" thoughts!

So it's 3 months break up now(12 weeks) And 10 weeks of that complete NC.

 

Things are feeling better, I think I'm over the worst of it now, it still hurts, I still think of her every day and wish she would come back, the dreams still happen, but it's nothing as crushing as it was previously.

 

My new job is fantastic and it's really picked me up and I have a holiday with friends coming up, I'm still hitting the gym and have really made some drastic changes For the good, also summer is almost over, all our plans on how to spend the hot sunny days together I can soon forget... winter is coming!

 

This weekend was a little

Tough, I know she's away with friends in Ibiza and is the only single one, she booked it before we met. So thoughts have gone to her.

 

As I said, over the worst of it so

Hopefully it will start to get better and better now. Although there is still that hope that when she comes back from travelling her mind will have changed

[RKO]

Sorry If I'm getting on anyone's nerves updating here but I feel it helps me.

 

So it's now a little over 3 months since the break up, man it seems like forever in some ways but in other ways like yesterday.

 

Unsurprisingly I haven't heard from her but I haven't expected to either. I've not even thought about it as much which I'm thinking it's a good sign.

 

Life away from all that continues to flourish, my career is the best it's ever been, I'm feeling in the best physical shape I ever have and I'm feeling attractive again thanks to the gym, a new wardrobe and new hair style. I'm feeling happy again and have a holiday with friends coming up next week.

 

The only blip came this week for a brief moment. Her brother came to me asking for advice, he wanted to travel but wasn't sure how to ask work for time off, I advised him and we got talking about it, turns out he wants to go this winter but has no one to go with, not ignoring the elephant in the room I suggested why doesn't he go with his sister (my ex) which he looked sheepish and said "that's my plan I think, she's invited me to go with her".... now this was the trip that she told me that she wanted to do her self, wouldn't mind me visiting but wanted to do it all by herself. She really wasn't in love with me anywhere near like I thought she was, if at all.

 

I let that get to me a bit, didn't show it to her brother/my friend. Probably over reacting, I mean they are blood and have that bond but it did get to me a bit.

 

So what now? I dipped my feet back in OLD I seem to be attracting nice girls but When it came to meeting them it's seemed an effort like I wasn't ready. Got talking to one really nice girl and I cancelled a date last week with her, but after the travelling news it was another kick up my bum to forget her. Last night we went for a "quick drink" 4 hours later we were still on the date and I genuinely had a great time with her and she did with me. Found her attractive and interesting and we plan to meet after my holiday again.

 

No expectations from me but it's another foot in the right direction and I now feel ready to meet new girls and date.

[Batya33]

Sounds like a promising first meet!

[kyber]

Look at the reconciliation thread, people get back together even when it seems impossible, although it's rare, the thread introduces you to what people did to revert the breakup (btw letting go of all hope is the first step so it's a good thing) stay strong man, millions of men before you have felt the same way, and millions will in the future, the pain is incredible but you will be stronger for it. Stay strong, dig deep.

[Rustysuit]

RKO, I've been following your story ever since I joined this forum.

 

You sound a lot better. Trust it's all uphill from here on out. Some days will still be hard and sad, but most of them will be good or almost good.

 

Keep the course and stay strong.

[RKO]

Thanks for the above, very spot on. Right now it's a bad one.

 

Just come back off holiday, the whole travelling going on aeroplanes, sunny places, loved up couples made me think "what if" about her as we were due to do all this.

 

Also something strange has happened yesterday. I put a few holiday pics up on my Instagram story (you can see who's viewed them) I met a group of girls on holiday and we hung out a lot of the time and had a good laugh. I put pictures of us up on Instagram. I know my ex still follows me on it but it was only a couple of them kind of pictures and I put them up innocently, I noticed she had viewed them along with her sister who still follows

Me. Yesterday I put some sceneic ones up, noticed a lot of her friends that don't follow me had viewed them which is so strange as I only met them a few times. I also noticed that my ex has now unfollowed me on Instagram.

 

How I view it...

She really can't be bothered with me in her life at all so deleted

 

Thought I was trying to make her jealous (swear down I wasn't)

 

Actually did get jealous and upset and can't handle seeing me moved on?

 

Just find it strange her friends have purposely searched me out to view pictures

 

Thoughts?

[Rustysuit]

Thanks for the above, very spot on. Right now it's a bad one.

 

Just come back off holiday, the whole travelling going on aeroplanes, sunny places, loved up couples made me think "what if" about her as we were due to do all this.

 

Also something strange has happened yesterday. I put a few holiday pics up on my Instagram story (you can see who's viewed them) I met a group of girls on holiday and we hung out a lot of the time and had a good laugh. I put pictures of us up on Instagram. I know my ex still follows me on it but it was only a couple of them kind of pictures and I put them up innocently, I noticed she had viewed them along with her sister who still follows

Me. Yesterday I put some sceneic ones up, noticed a lot of her friends that don't follow me had viewed them which is so strange as I only met them a few times. I also noticed that my ex has now unfollowed me on Instagram.

 

How I view it...

She really can't be bothered with me in her life at all so deleted

 

Thought I was trying to make her jealous (swear down I wasn't)

 

Actually did get jealous and upset and can't handle seeing me moved on?

 

Just find it strange her friends have purposely searched me out to view pictures

 

Thoughts?

 

No thoughts

Ignore it

 

She's allowed to do it and the reasons may vary. Many of them don't mean she still loves you. Many of them mean she still does.

 

No one knows except her. You're doing the right thing...which is, living your life as though she doesn't exist anymore. You went on trip, of course you'll have pictures for instagram.

 

My advice: let it go. She knows where and how to find you if she wants something.

[RKO]

I certainly won't be approaching her to ask or anything like that but I think it's got to me more than it should have. So much so the dreams are back...

I had 3 last night, one saying she had found a new bf and the other 2 wanting to get back.

 

But yes leaving it and carrying on like I have is what I'm going to do but it's clear she's been talking about me to her friends if they have purposely searched me out on Instagram isn't it?

[boltnrun]

What if she is?

 

My ex doesn't want me back but he does want me pining away over him. He wants all his exes pining over him. It's because it makes him feel good about himself, thinking there are women who just can't get over him.

 

Now, I have no idea if your ex is like that. But obviously, wondering and speculating hasn't gotten you anything but more dreams about her and a set back of sorts.

 

My advice? Make like "Frozen" and let it go. Because you know all your wondering and speculating doesn't do anything positive for you.

[RKO]

I don't think she's like that and from what I've been told and complete lack of contact from her I don't think she gives a hoot but clearly something has triggered it, why I don't know, might never will.

 

Worth reaching out? I'm 3 weeks short of 4 months NC

[Batya33]

First don't waste your time analyzing. For all you know she used her friends account when she realized you were posting photos of her. With all due respect I don't buyvtjstvyou just happened to post photos of her you wanted a reaction. If you didn't you would have deleted them when you relied your "mistake". Her viewing them is likely because she was thrown off by your choice to post them and wanted to investigate how far you were going to take this. She's probably uncomfortable with what you chose to do.

[MyLifeMyChoice]

I certainly won't be approaching her to ask or anything like that but I think it's got to me more than it should have. So much so the dreams are back...

I had 3 last night, one saying she had found a new bf and the other 2 wanting to get back.

 

But yes leaving it and carrying on like I have is what I'm going to do but it's clear she's been talking about me to her friends if they have purposely searched me out on Instagram isn't it?

 

Your dreams have nothing to do with her. Your dreams are not signs she's thinking about you.

 

Her friends are probably viewing your Instagram account because they are creeped out by your posting a picture of her when you've been broken up. If that happened to me, I would seriously freak out, too.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm having a hard time myself. Certain days, I just want to kill myself. Certain days like today, I feel better and want to help others see the light.

 

I wish I had the magic potion to just make all the feelings go away. But I think what we can do now is to simply use this time to improve ourselves to be the best lover ANYONE can have. And this means, no posting creepy stuff.

[RKO]

The above 2 posts, you've read my post wrong. I'm not posting pictures of her. Not sure what made you both think that...

[boltnrun]

I don't think she's like that and from what I've been told and complete lack of contact from her I don't think she gives a hoot but clearly something has triggered it, why I don't know, might never will.

 

Worth reaching out? I'm 3 weeks short of 4 months NC

 

You wrote you weren't going to approach her, now you're planning to reach out.

 

Didn't you already meet up for "closure"? And yet, you're still trying to search for reasons to contact her? Didn't even her own brother advise you to move on?

 

What will it take for you to finally reach acceptance?

[RKO]

You wrote you weren't going to approach her, now you're planning to reach out.

 

Didn't you already meet up for "closure"? And yet, you're still trying to search for reasons to contact her? Didn't even her own brother advise you to move on?

 

What will it take for you to finally reach acceptance?

I've gone almost 4 months NC, if I was looking for a reason to contact her i sure as hell would have found it by now.

 

Yes you are correct about what her brother told me almost 3 months ago but this whole Instagram thing along with her friends looking at the picture is a bit of a strange one.

 

I'd defy anyone in my position not to question it.

 

As for what will it to take to finally reach acceptance? If you have a browse on these very forums you can see 100s in my same position. It's not a case of switching it off is it no matter how hard you try

[Batya33]

I've gone almost 4 months NC, if I was looking for a reason to contact her i sure as hell would have found it by now.

 

Yes you are correct about what her brother told me almost 3 months ago but this whole Instagram thing along with her friends looking at the picture is a bit of a strange one.

 

I'd defy anyone in my position not to question it.

 

As for what will it to take to finally reach acceptance? If you have a browse on these very forums you can see 100s in my same position. It's not a case of switching it off is it no matter how hard you try

 

No it's a case of choosing how to react - keep the on switch on if you must, but don't react to the on switch by reaching out. And stop hyper-analyzing social media "likes" - you have no idea who clicked on it whether the person whose name is attached or someone you don't know who was using the account. Questioning is fine - reacting to the questioning by reaching out would be a bad choice and you're risking coming across as creepy to your colleague's sister. And that's all she is to you -she happens to be related to one of your colleagues. Sure, you dated her for 6 months so if you want to use the label "ex" -sure - but if I were you -cognitive stuff is powerful - start using the label "colleague's sibling" -that's much much closer to how she is connected to you.

 

Sorry about all the typos in my previous post - the faster you get over her the faster you can have those same typos (resulting from typing in the dim light in my son's room because I choose not to fight the battle of having him once again go to sleep on his own) - and sorry I thought you posted a photo of her. I misread your post.

[RKO]

So a little update, as you may have seen in other threads I’ve been doing on numerous dates with different results.

 

Anyway, as for the ex and the feelings. She’s left the country now, gone for 4 months, we’ve been apart longer than we were together. I’ve had NC with her for an eternity. I’ve given up the idea of getting back with her, but still dream of it.

 

Christmas time. My favourite time of year. Not the same this year, it’s making me feel so sad and thinking about her a lot, the songs, the loved up films and all that, I don’t know what it is.

 

I thought it would all have gone by now, but it hasn’t.

 

Do I need therapy or something? It’s ridiculous now. No girl has ever stayed in my head this long after a break up, not even my 1st love who was really special to me.

 

Enough now please 😩

[Batya33]

It's ok that she's still in your head -you sound like you're doing ok and more than functioning, right? Holidays are hard.

[RKO]

It's ok that she's still in your head -you sound like you're doing ok and more than functioning, right? Holidays are hard.

 

I’d like to think so, got my hobbies, seeing friends, got future plans, doing well with Work, keeping fit etc.

 

Only thing I’ve noticed is that I have a short fuse now and a really bad temper when I snap. I think it’s just pent up frustrations still.

 

Even if we were still together she would have been away over Christmas anyway so what I’m feeling now wouldn’t have been too far off what I’d be feeling anyway.

 

Do you think I need to stop dating whilst I feel

Like this? In some ways I’ve emjoyed meeting these new girls but I do feel let down after that none of them come close to the feeling I had from her

[Batya33]

I would keep meeting and socializing and see if you can work on cognitive strategies to be able to give more of your full attention to new people you meet.