Intimacy has become an argument and issue...

[Stargazed88]

For the sake of anonymity we will call the couple Jayke and Kathy (or "Jathy" for those of you who love naming couples). Jayke and Kathy will have been together for 5 years in August. They have had their moments, small arguments here and there, but for the moat part their relationship has been fairly full of bliss. Just after taking a vacation marking their 2nd year anniversary Kathy became pregnant and they now have an almost 2 year old son.

 

They have been a pretty rare couple as far as fighting, arguments, jealousy, or infidelity goes, as it has been non-existent. Here recently they have both started new jobs and have had some financial issues that go along with that. They have also recently become engaged as well. Its been these past 6 months that most of the arguments and issues have been arising. Jake has been complaining to his buddies that their once bountiful sex life that was usually 2-3 times a week has turned into 2-3 times a month. And the times that they do get intimate it seems like Jayke is always the initiator and has to "talk" Kathy into it. When he asked her what's different or wrong, she says that her new hours at work have her extremely tired and that she just has "no drive" towards sex in general. She also said that she felt like her hormones were out of whack so she went back on birth control.

It was never an issue before but seems to be pretty prevelant now. It has Jayke wondering if he still makes Kathy "tick" or if she may be leaning back towards her bi-sexual side. Its been enough of an argument and fight that Kathy got tired of Jayke asking for sex that she proposed a "once a week" sex night. Jayke isn't to ask for it any other night and she has to "try to turn on her switch" that night as well. Its been almost 2 months now and their weekly ritual has only happened 4 times. It truly has Jayke wondering if this is how their future looks does he really want to feel shot down and denied every time he tries to become intimate with his fiance. I'm not an expert so I can't help him too much. All I could say is "it'll work itself out bro, every other part of your relationship is good, right?" And he says yeah.

So can anyone with any KNOWLEDGE or EXPERTISE give some insight or advice on how to help or what to say? I asked if he haa been taking on more of a lead with their son, cleaning the house, making dinner, doing the laundry, helping out in any possible way he can to help her become more relaxed and use her energy towards "them" and he says yes, but it doesn't seem to make much of a difference.

 

I think deep down he thinks that their time may have passed, that possibly he's not the same man she was once crazy in love with and head over heels for. That maybe their happiest days are behind them.

[DancingFool]

..... or maybe she is telling him the truth - stress, exhaustion, out of whack hormones will absolutely kill libido. It also sounds like rationally she wants to try and understands her partner has needs, but her body is simply shut down. She might also want to talk to her gyno or general physician about it. There may be something else going on health wise.

[faraday]

I often don't feel like sex because I'm exhausted.

 

And my husband probably does more than 50% of the chores now....which is amazing and awesome...but he doesn't share in the mental load at all. I have to manage everything...when chores get done, does my daughter have a clean swim suit for swimming lessons packed for tomorrow? I keep track of the furnace filter, the water softener, when school fees get paid, when to water plants, going through my daughters clothes to get rid of them when she outgrowns them, making sure she has clothing to replace them, remembering when to get the cats in for yearly vaccinations, remembering which vaccinations my daughter has had...etc...

 

It doesn't sound like much...but it's exhausting. And the mental load becomes INSANE when you have a child.

 

Here's an article about it that explains it better than I can /

[Stargazed88]

Thank you for your help and opinions. You ask this stuff on men's health or other "men's type forum" and every time its she's cheating, time to move on, leave her, etc. I feel like there's been honest answers here.

[faraday]

Thank you for your help and opinions. You ask this stuff on men's health or other "men's type forum" and every time its she's cheating, time to move on, leave her, etc. I feel like there's been honest answers here.

 

Yeah, I think sometimes it's hard to imagine the other side. When I became a mom...I lost myself. Babies are all-consuming. They take every moment of your day, every thought...it's hard to find time to shower, let alone make dinner. You're just so tired. And you look at your body, stretch marks, deflated boobs...and you don't feel like the person you were before. You don't have time for hobbies...friends...the things you before. You feel like a mom. It's the most unsexy feeling ever.

 

It took my daughter going to school before I felt like I could become myself again...rediscover my interests...find myself again.

 

It's tough. I think the best thing your friend can do for his wife...is love her. Encourage her to visit friends, do things without the toddler...and while dad is home with the kid, he should be making sure that the kids gets a bath, the laundry makes it into the machine, and the dishwasher gets unloaded. And somehow...find time to take her out on dates, and tell her she's a hottie, and give her massages without expecting sex....just be awesome. And eventually she'll get her groove back. It takes time.

[abitbroken]

Okay, are you Jayke or Kathy? and if you are not either, encourage Jayke to not tell his buddies about his sex life with Kathy. Its personal and private and they should resolve it between the two of them instead of getting the peanut gallery involved. You too

[faraday]

Okay, are you Jayke or Kathy? and if you are not either, encourage Jayke to not tell his buddies about his sex life with Kathy. Its personal and private and they should resolve it between the two of them instead of getting the peanut gallery involved. You too

 

I've been assuming the OP is Jayke.

[cherubrock]

Tell him that he should consider some people go years without sex...just a thought.

[shellyf62]

Yeah, I think sometimes it's hard to imagine the other side. When I became a mom...I lost myself. Babies are all-consuming. They take every moment of your day, every thought...it's hard to find time to shower, let alone make dinner. You're just so tired. And you look at your body, stretch marks, deflated boobs...and you don't feel like the person you were before. You don't have time for hobbies...friends...the things you before. You feel like a mom. It's the most unsexy feeling ever.

 

It took my daughter going to school before I felt like I could become myself again...rediscover my interests...find myself again.

 

It's tough. I think the best thing your friend can do for his wife...is love her. Encourage her to visit friends, do things without the toddler...and while dad is home with the kid, he should be making sure that the kids gets a bath, the laundry makes it into the machine, and the dishwasher gets unloaded. And somehow...find time to take her out on dates, and tell her she's a hottie, and give her massages without expecting sex....just be awesome. And eventually she'll get her groove back. It takes time.

 

This advice is priceless!!!! There is nothing more sexy than a man who can swoop in & help....and I mean really help!!!

[Bart Barterson]

I'd advise him to stop moaning about sex and how he's not getting any. As a man, I imagine that there's nothing more unattractive to my woman than complaining about not getting sex with her all the time. It probably makes her think, "why amn't I up for sex?" and makes it into a big deal in her head, which further compounds it.

 

He needs to shut up and learn some discipline. He should learn to go without for a short period. His woman has just given him a child. He should concentrate on providing for her and making life better for his family. Do things that make her respect him. Then the sexual feelings will come back for her.