Dealing with anger after assault.. how to handle mutual friends?

[NightLily]

I ended things with a man I had been dating for about 6-8 months, and you can read about it on my last thread I posted if you are interested. So, about two weeks ago I was having a low night, dealing with depression and accepted I need to get help for it (which I am). He, who was my ex at this point, came over to the house and my housemates let him in and I had fallen asleep early. My understanding is that he came over because I wasn't feeling great but I didn't invite him over.

 

I guess I just need to get off my chest what happened and then get some advice on how to deal with it. So.... when I woke up he was on my laptop which I had left open. He was scrolling through my Facebook messages to one of my guy friends who he met a number of times. And I woke up groggy like.. hey, what? Why are you reading through my messages? He said he wasn't and it was an accident.. he was just scrolling back down. Knowing him as I do and just well over dealing with his minimizations and lying I said: why are you lying to me? His response was that I am acting crazy and then reiterated it that I act crazy (because of depression). I said it was over the line and he stormed out of the room.

 

He eventually came back and for some reason got over top of me laying in my bed and started yelling, like barking, in my face. I told him to back away from me, he was scaring me. He hit his head against the wall?? and then stormed off again. At this point I contacted my friend I had been texting earlier because I felt uncomfortable and didn't know what to do. I had already been in a pretty low mood that night. I knew I needed him to leave and I noticed he left his stuff in my room which meant he would come back. So, I picked up his stuff and went to go find him.

 

When I got in the room, he immediately stood up and started yelling: "why do you have my stuff?!?!" and then tried to hit his things out of my arm, hitting me across the chest in the process. I turned around and walked off and just started crying and he followed me just going off about all the things I do to stress him and that he would never hit me. He must have said twenty different things: "you don't accept responsibility for your actions".. it was so weird. I confronted him and said at this point he is abusive. Him: "but i don't mean to be." Me: "but you know that you are"

 

He tried to text me a few times after that and I told him flat out: "don't text me anymore."

 

But, we have mutual friends and there was a wedding after that which I cancelled my plans to go to and I know he just partied with everybody for a good three days. I have been just keeping to myself for the most part and actually deactivated my Facebook to clear my head. I have been taking my health and mental health seriously. But, I keep finding out that I "just missed him" when I go places and I know I will eventually run into people we both knew *and* probably him.

 

How do I deal with this? Do I act like it was just amicable that it ended? Should I be honest with people? Why I don't want to be around him? It is a tricky situation because in grad school there are limited places to go and I will be here for two more years. I don't really want to burn bridges and I do like some of the people we both knew. I don't know if I should just ditch that whole social group. Some of them are definitely closer to him than me. I will almost definitely run into him again and sometimes when I think about it I just feel really angry.

 

He had physically forced me to kiss him before I broke it off and was continuously making excuses for himself. It really shouldn't surprise me. In his mind, he used to be "chilled out and cool" and I stressed him, therefore I made him yell at me all the time. Even though, according to him, he never yelled at other people before. I don't buy it and it is another thing that makes me angry.

 

At least the anger is helping me keep my distance.

[Jibralta]

It's a tricky situation. People are unfortunately fallible, and everybody may not be willing to believe you if you tell them. And he may be very skilled at playing himself off as the victim. You may have seen this sort of thing play out before. I certainly have, numerous times.

 

Do you have close friends that you can confide in? Could you possibly distance yourself from this group and concentrate on different friendships?

[Hollyj]

Why did these people let him in the house?

 

Did you report the assault to the police? Have you sought a restraining order?

[NightLily]

It's a tricky situation. People are unfortunately fallible, and everybody may not be willing to believe you if you tell them. And he may be very skilled at playing himself off as the victim. You may have seen this sort of thing play out before. I certainly have, numerous times.

 

Do you have close friends that you can confide in? Could you possibly distance yourself from this group and concentrate on different friendships?

 

Focusing on other friends groups is exactly what I have been trying to do. I kind of don't really want to talk about it to people who I know in real life. I did talk about it briefly in therapy.. that whole situation just seems really... almost pathetic. And, I am kind of kicking myself for being as accepting as I was. I know that the depression contributed on my end.

 

I guess I am getting nervous today because there is a possibility of running into him tomorrow. I just don't want anymore drama.

[Jibralta]

What's the occasion? Can you devise a strategy?

[NightLily]

Why did these people let him in the house?

 

Did you report the assault to the police? Have you sought a restraining order?

 

They know him well and to some extent we had stayed friends. I will be honest that it wasn't a very clean break. When I was feeling low I let him sweet talk me into forgiving him a few times. I am definitely to blame for that. I am not super close to my housemates and I tend to keep my private life private.

 

I didn't report it to the police because one part of me thinks he didn't intend to also hit me but I also not think hitting things against my body (and contacting me while doing it) can really be called an accident. He stopped contacting me when I told him to.

[NightLily]

What's the occasion? Can you devise a strategy?

 

Every week another group of friends, grad students, meet at a local spot for the past two years. A place my ex frequents a lot and so do I. I run into and talk to a lot of people I know there and don't really want to socially isolate myself just to avoid him. Maybe I can ask that we move to somewhere else this week?

[Jibralta]

That could work. Might be good to propose an interesting alternative. Are these people friends with him?

[Hollyj]

They know him well and to some extent we had stayed friends. I will be honest that it wasn't a very clean break. When I was feeling low I let him sweet talk me into forgiving him a few times. I am definitely to blame for that. I am not super close to my housemates and I tend to keep my private life private.

 

I didn't report it to the police because one part of me thinks he didn't intend to also hit me but I also not think hitting things against my body (and contacting me while doing it) can really be called an accident. He stopped contacting me when I told him to.

 

Is this the guy that was involved with the high schooler?

 

The guy has anger issues and does not react in a normal way. You need to tell your roommates not to allow him i to see you, but you also need to cut this thing off. You should not be communicating with him, and are sending mixed messages. I also think you need to stop making excuses for his behavior. he does not sound stable.

 

You must block and delete. I would also tell friends, as you are not enforcing boundaries and shutting this thing down.

[NightLily]

That could work. Might be good to propose an interesting alternative. Are these people friends with him?

 

They are a bit, but not as close with him. I don't think they talked with him outside of seeing him with me before.

 

Is this the guy that was involved with the high schooler?

 

The guy has anger issues and does not react in a normal way. You need to tell your roommates not to allow him i to see you, but you also need to cut this thing off. You should not be communicating with him, and are sending mixed messages. I also think you need to stop making excuses for his behavior. he does not sound stable.

 

You must block and delete. I would also tell friends, as you are not enforcing boundaries and shutting this thing down.

 

Yes, that is him. To clarify for everybody else, about a year ago when he was 27/28 he was involved with an 18 year old finishing high school. I didn't know that she was only 18 and then also found out he had only met her one time before sharing a hotel with her and that he met her when she was 15. That was when I ended things. There were a few other signs and it makes me feel really nauseated.

 

I have had no contact with him at all for about half a month now. It has been helping a lot but I still gets random bursts of anger.

[Hollyj]

If he pops up again, you need a restraining order.

[eidetic]

Go talk to the police anyway. He plows through your boundaries at the drop of a hat, and honestly, the "just missed him" stuff sounds like stalking, even if it isn't; sounds a little like "lying in wait". And I understand that there is crossover socially, but it doesn't sound emotionally or psychologically safe for you to keep almost running into him everywhere for the next two years. I don't know that I'd go so far as a restraining order, but the HS thing sounds predatory, or really clueless, which is just as scary. Can't hurt to at least discuss this with a law enforcement officer.

 

Two weeks gone is not long enough; it seems likely that he'll show up again. Give some thought to what you might say or do, and what outcome you want, just in case.

 

As for the mutual friends, if they enjoy dramatics and may worsen the situation for you by minimizing, blaming, gossiping, or the like, OR by going after the guy and making it worse for *him*, don't tell them. Keep it to yourself and tell the police first. LE can give you a better idea of how to handle this safely. Either way, I hope it goes well for you and that you quickly find some peace from it.

[Hollyj]

OP, your housemates must know that they are not to let him in again. I think it is really creepy that he thought it was okay to come into your room and go in your FB.

 

You also need to tell your friends, as your boundaries are not where they need to be. You need support and guidance if this creep returns.

 

Please talk to the police.

[Giblesp]

The first thing I do when a woman shows a tendency towards physical violence, is to leave her life completely and never look back.

 

This applies here. Forcing you to kiss is also a serious thing. Your not going into the details here, but you might want to consider reporting this.