Three Month Expiry Date

[Goodfellas]

Hello all,

 

Why do all my relationships start hot/intense then fade within 2-3 months? I know that's a vague question to come from a stranger, but maybe some of you have experience in this.

 

Since my 4.5 year relationship ended in 2012 I've had a series of short term trysts. Some I disengage, others it's the girl. I can never seem to get into real, long-term territory and it's quite vexing. I have casual hookups, we hangout for a few months then I back off. Maybe spark it back up when I'm in town or they're in my area but nothing concrete.

 

My current "girlfriend" is phenomenal. We met in mid-April (so we're at that dreaded two-month point) and I can feel her disengaging. It started off with fireworks meeting my parents and having great hangouts and sex. Then she asks to slow down, now she's busy for two weeks (report cards due and father getting heart surgery so likely legit). It's not over as she still initiates conversation and we share laughs, but I feel it slipping away after yet another hot start.

 

Anyone else have insight into these short-term relationships? Help me understand my situation!

 

Thanking you in advance

[DancingFool]

What burns hot burns out fast?

 

You mention that things start out as casual, quick sex, hook ups....I mean that's just not stuff that leads to connecting with someone who is relationship minded. So perhaps somewhere deep down in your subconscious you are still not quite ready for something with more substance...so....you go for the hot and fast.... You were in an LTR before, so it's not like you don't know how it goes......

[vesper]

Hello all,

 

Why do all my relationships start hot/intense then fade within 2-3 months? I know that's a vague question to come from a stranger, but maybe some of you have experience in this.

 

Since my 4.5 year relationship ended in 2012 I've had a series of short term trysts. Some I disengage, others it's the girl. I can never seem to get into real, long-term territory and it's quite vexing. I have casual hookups, we hangout for a few months then I back off. Maybe spark it back up when I'm in town or they're in my area but nothing concrete.

 

My current "girlfriend" is phenomenal. We met in mid-April (so we're at that dreaded two-month point) and I can feel her disengaging. It started off with fireworks meeting my parents and having great hangouts and sex. Then she asks to slow down, now she's busy for two weeks (report cards due and father getting heart surgery so likely legit). It's not over as she still initiates conversation and we share laughs, but I feel it slipping away after yet another hot start.

 

Anyone else have insight into these short-term relationships? Help me understand my situation!

 

Thanking you in advance

 

You have to come up with something that makes your commitment stronger like a trip or moving in together (LOL) that's what I did.

[reinventmyself]

I'm not sure this is what's going on here. . but what I have learned is there are milestones to new relationships and learning how to navigate them.

In my experience there is a lull around the 3 month period. You've riding on a high and it's starting to settle, so both parties reconsider whether the relationship has the `legs' to continue.

 

Around 6 months, again. If you've come this far one or both of you are wondering if this is going to be something worthwhile. You've met parents, people call refer to you as a couple and so on.

 

Finally, one year. Look back, look forward. Is something you want to do for the long haul?

 

Funny, when I realized this and felt the pull, either from my partner or myself. I learned to lean back and not allow it to rattle me and just let it happen. If they pull back and return, it's a good sign. They usually return with a stronger sense of commitment.

 

When someone backs up to create space, it often causes anxiety in the other person and they feel the urge to close in on the space.

The goal here is to respect their momentary need for space.

 

Reevaluating a relationship isn't necessarily bad. Not all relationships go the distance. It's best to pause and reflect before you proceed.

Or end it all together.

[Batya33]

What made our commitment stronger was loving each other -in the active sense, not just the feeling sense. We started off with strong sparks/fireworks (but we waited to have sex until we were exclusive and serious -even though we'd dated in the distant past). Yes, the spark faded some in the sense that part of the spark was the reconciliation, the coming back together, etc- but it was replaced with wanting to be together for the long term. Before we got back together we discussed -briefly- why we were getting back together so it kind of framed our initial relationship (i.e. because this time we wanted to see if we could make it all the way to marriage and forever).

 

It depends what the basis is for the initial spark and generally what you're both looking for.

[Goodfellas]

Funny, when I realized this and felt the pull, either from my partner or myself. I learned to lean back and not allow it to rattle me and just let it happen. If they pull back and return, it's a good sign. They usually return with a stronger sense of commitment.

 

When someone backs up to create space, it often causes anxiety in the other person and they feel the urge to close in on the space.

The goal here is to respect their momentary need for space.

 

Another quality response by you—thanks! I'd like to focus on the quoted bit above. One thing I'm taking from this recent "flame out" is I'm proud of how I'm handling it. I'm trying not to get caught up in negative self talk and rationalizing that busy could actually mean busy and not losing hope. Since she asked to slow down I've done just that and have been the opposite of smothering by making myself scarce (so scarce she thinks I'm pulling away? Perhaps!). I know the signs are pointing to her disengaging, but I'm not giving up whereas in the past I'd have.

 

vesper: I'd love to take her on a weekend to Niagara to de-stress but, at this point, I'm not confident in the response.

 

What's my next move here? Give her a state of the union where I say I'm not feeling this hot/cold, play out June until her 'crazy month' is over, or fade away? I'm in uncharted territory here.

[reinventmyself]

Well . .I am all for leaning back but there comes a point where you fall over waiting.

Give it an end date.

Whatever you feel should be an appropriate amount of time that she should come to conclusion.

 

If she continues a slow fade. . you have your answer. I personally wouldn't have a state of the union with

someone who by their actions are telling what you need to know.

 

But if it helps you cut the tie and be done with it. .then do so.

[Goodfellas]

I agree. The state of the union talk two months in is a bit heavy. I just need another hangout with her to vibe her body language, then I'll have a better sense. I'm more leaning towards minimal contact (slowing down, right?) with a date request for this weekend. If she declines/is too busy then I'll call her next week and ask her to clarify what she meant by "slow down" and if it was to never see me again haha. Too snide? Probably. I'll craft my wording better.

[Batya33]

I agree. The state of the union talk two months in is a bit heavy. I just need another hangout with her to vibe her body language, then I'll have a better sense. I'm more leaning towards minimal contact (slowing down, right?) with a date request for this weekend. If she declines/is too busy then I'll call her next week and ask her to clarify what she meant by "slow down" and if it was to never see me again haha. Too snide? Probably. I'll craft my wording better.

 

I think you can or at least a general discussion about relationship goals if you haven't already. I never made it to two months without talking about our intentions (man always brought it up, typically within the first month or so of dating) other than in cases where it turned out he wasn't that into me.

[reinventmyself]

I agree. The state of the union talk two months in is a bit heavy. I just need another hangout with her to vibe her body language, then I'll have a better sense. I'm more leaning towards minimal contact (slowing down, right?) with a date request for this weekend. If she declines/is too busy then I'll call her next week and ask her to clarify what she meant by "slow down" and if it was to never see me again haha. Too snide? Probably. I'll craft my wording better.

 

She said she'd be busy for the next two weeks? If you didn't have a time frame. . there it is.

 

I'm not sure I would ask her out.

Maybe during one of your conversations just leave it open and tell her you would like to see her when she's free and leave it up to her.

[itsallgrand]

How much time together did you spend in the first few months and how much contact?

[Goodfellas]

She said she'd be busy all week for report card completion, hands them in and her father falls ill. He's under the knife as I type this for heart surgery and she's the unofficial family caretaker. She revels in that role, but is still making time for a baseball game tomorrow with friends. So... ¯\_(ツ _/¯

 

I'll ask her out Saturday night, if she declines I'll make a Monday call about how this recent behaviour makes me feel and ask her to let me know when she's free. Thoughts?

[Goodfellas]

How much time together did you spend in the first few months and how much contact?

 

First few weeks were 1-2 hangouts per week, usually Saturday due to our work schedules. We contact each other every day (text, calls) and still today we're in daily comms, but much less due to report cards/father's illness/desire to slow down/potential loss of interest.