i ended it b/c i want him to come back

[Jerseygirl]

hey, to recap my situation briefly: ive been hooking up, involved, anything you want to call it, but not 'dating' this guys for 3 months...the main reason we were dating was because 3 months ago he broke up with his gf who really makes him scared of a commitment or something serious again. she was jealous, overprotective, etc. i came along like a fresh breeze of air, we had amazing times together, enjoyed one anothers company and it was all problem-free...until this...

 

as his friends were asking and asking why we aren't going out already this scared him, told me he couldn't go on...so once he broke it off i backed away, and he came crawling back telling me he likes me so it doesnt make sense to walk away from me, especially since im not his ex girlfriend...things were great until rrecently, i've been feeling like i need more.. because another situation triggered his fear of a serious thing and he backed away, acting inconsistent which hurt me...when i spoke to him about it he felt bad, and told me he doesnt want to hurt me its just he gets scared of us getting more serious so that explains his shaky actions....i couldnt handle it anymore so i ended it...he said "maybe it is a good idea we dont see eachother anymore if you feel that im not paying enough attention to you"...im happier now b/c i don't expect calls...but in the back of my mind im waiting for him to come back around..but not as the same person who was inconsistent, but as a new person, over his fear of being serious in light of the fact that he would do anything to be with me... i want him to realize hes stupid and was lucky to have me (as all his friends know this)....

 

so recently at this bar a few nights ago i looked hot, had fun and flirted crazily with other guys...the whole night he would stare at me sooo obviously...he approached me a little, but i was kind of unresponsive...at one point he was behind me and kinda jokingly, flirtingly thrusted his body back and forth close to me...sometimes we passed eachother thru the crowd and made eye contact and kinda smiled...his 2 friends and my gf's went back to our dorm..and one guy friend of his actually passed out in my bed...the next morning i felt bad... i dont like playing these games... i dont want to play games...i dont know what to do and how to act with him...we havent been speaking online, im waiting till he IMs me because it's HE who needs to win me over again ...if i see him i dont really act interested...am i pushing him away? do you guys think im doing the right thing? no doubtedly im going to try and find other guys, but in the meantime i want him to be realizing "omg, i'm so dumb for losing her"...what do you guys think?

[RayKay]

It's never a good idea to break up with someone in order to "change them" or to "win them back" in my opinon. It more often than not backfires and even if they do come back, the change is generally not long term or even very deep.

 

It does not matter if his friends think he should be lucky to have you, or you do - what matters is what HE feels and he clearly could not provide you what you wanted at this point in time and you dumping him was unlikely to have suddenly changed that. He is recently out of a long term thing too, and he likely needs time - when you try and rush the natural healing process again, it comes back to haunt you in the end.

 

You don't like playing games, but you are - since you admitted yourself you did it to make him realize what he had and your actions at the bar were games. My advice is to move on, accept he can't provide what you want. If he comes back and heals and CAN, then great, but otherwise treat this as over and stop dwelling on when he will realize what he has lost - he just might not feel the same way or ready to give you anymore than he has.

[chai714]

i dont want to play games...i dont know what to do and how to act with him...we havent been speaking online, im waiting till he IMs me because it's HE who needs to win me over again ...if i see him i dont really act interested...am i pushing him away? do you guys think im doing the right thing? no doubtedly im going to try and find other guys, but in the meantime i want him to be realizing "omg, i'm so dumb for losing her"...what do you guys think?

 

It seems your ego got the best of you. It's never a good idea to put the responsibility of starting a relationship with you, on someone else. People often say, "the ball is on his/her court." WRONG. The ball is always on your court, as you control your actions and can influence almost any situation. How do you get him to want you?

 

You wrote about how you used to not get enough attention from him, and you told him this. That was an example of being needy. Nobody is afraid of committment. You can get him to want you by following basic principles of attraction. One, is being somewhat aloof, independent and not needy. I think that you need some time to yourself (without dating) to prove to yourself you're an independent, secure person. Trying to make him jealous won't bring him back as you've already learned. Learning the basic principles of attraction and concentrating on how you make him feel while you're with him will bring him back.

[DN]

I agree with the above. The problem with playing games like this is that nobody knows what the rules are, or even if they are playing the same game. Sometimes they don't even know there is a game going on. Best to assume that it's over and look for someone new. If he wants to come back you can decide what to do then.

[RoxyBabe17]

[b ]I as well agree with everyone's posts above your ego may be going haywire...just remember you can't change a person, they have to want to change themselves..good luck[/b]

[Jerseygirl]

i understand that being needy will push him away, but it wasnt that i really ever was needy...i never told him "ohhh you don' t pay enough attention to me" rather, because i wasn't feeling appreciated i made the decision to end it....

 

my problem is this: now, we don't talk online, the only contact we have is if we see eachother when we're out...we'll be distant but if we cross paths will say hello, be friendlyand have a quick hi how are you type of thing...recently, it seems like hes having so much fun and im out of the picture which kills me...however i do see him quickly glancing at me..

i realized i have two ways to go...either: go up to him and tell him i miss him, and i dont like what we're doing....however by doing this he will most likely not change and see it as "aha shes come back, i can do wtvr i want with her"....or i can continue with this "no contact" (is this considered NC?) situation and either he will one day come around once he realizes that he lost something amazing and really be commited to change...or he'll come back but not change...or he won't even come back....this is why sometimes i lean to wanting to talk to him but i know that wouldnt do me any good...

 

i think what is hard for me is that im trying NC and im good at it...but then sometimes i get so sad and think about the fact that if i just stop being distant and come back we can be hooking up again (however, there will be no change...) so it will almost be me compromising...what do you guys think of my situation?? what should i do!

[DN]

There is a compromise between the two extremes you describe.

 

You can talk to him, tell him you miss him and would like to have a relationship but not what you had before. Tell him what you do want, if he is willing to listen then you can negotiate and compromise - maybe it will not work but it is worth trying.

[Jerseygirl]

ahhh does NC apply to this situation? i see him and i want to IM him, should i? or do you guys think that NC will really be affective in this situation??

[DN]

You are the one who broke up with him so I would say the onus is on you to contact him - when you talk tell him what you want, see if he can offer that.