Girlfriend slept with best friend before we got together..but not that simple.

[ShaunMaloney]

Hey guys,

 

I'll try and keep this as short as possible.

 

I have recently found out that my girlfriend slept with one of my best friends around a year before we started going out.

 

I hear you say - well this was before you two were together so why does it matter?

 

But it's not that simple.

 

I'll give some context - Around a year ago me and my now current GF got really close, close enough to the point of considering a relationship / admitting feelings for eachother but nothing physical happened. I was going away travelling for a while and we left on the note that we were close but wanted to do what we wanted to do. During my time away we stayed in close contact, she sent me a card for my birthday saying how much she missed me and that she loved me.

 

Around a week after sending this card she slept with my best friend.

 

Now fast forward to the present and I have only just found out this happened. One of my friends brought it up with her "How did Shaun take it when you told him about you & John?" and she had not realised I didn't know. She assumed my friends would have told me.

 

Now two things upset me here.

 

1) That I found out over a year after all my friends. I know they probably didn't want to tell me as they knew how much I liked her before we were going out, but I feel a bit out of the loop.

 

2) That she was still saying how much she missed & loved me then goes and sleeps with one of my best friends! I just can't imagine myself doing this if the roles were reversed.

 

 

_____

 

I know this might sound quite rant-y but it's come as a shock to find out this. I never expected my current GF to not meet new people whilst I was away travelling - we hadn't signed a pact or anything to get together when I was back, but one of my best friends and not knowing really hurts.

 

What should I do here? Am I right to feel annoyed or am I over-reacting?

 

Thanks in advance,

[Lester]

Your annoyance is a natural, early defense mechanism. Don't ignore it!

 

Dating is all about discovery.

You discovered she not the one for you! That's good!

 

Dump her and find a new girlfriend.

[lostandhurt]

Right now you are in shock over what you discovered so everything is a big deal right now. Give it a little time and see how you feel before you do anything.

 

Have you ever had sex with someone you didn't care for deeply? Have you ever done something you wished you hadn't later on?

 

Technically she didn't do anything wrong but your ego and heart are bruised by this revelation.

 

Is the timing all that important? You found out last but how would you feel if you found out first?

 

If I were you I would have more of a problem with my best friend having sex with a girl he knew I had strong feelings for. You feel betrayed by all this but who really betrayed you?

 

"we left on the note that we were close but wanted to do what we wanted to do"

 

You can't have it both ways...

 

Lost

[nutbrownhare]

I was going away travelling for a while and we left on the note that we were close but wanted to do what we wanted to do.

 

I never expected my current GF to not meet new people whilst I was away travelling - we hadn't signed a pact or anything to get together when I was back

 

On the face of it... look at the above statements. What are you complaining about?

 

You had made no commitment of any kind to her. She didn't even know if you two were ever going to get it together. Neither did your friend. Neither of them owed you anything, but you're acting as though they did.

 

I think the problem here is that you are viewing this from the perspective of being in an ongoing, emotionally committed relationship with her, so it FEELS like infidelity - when in fact it isn't. It would be quite justifiably devastating if it were to happen now, and because you've only just found out about it, it FEELS as though it's happening right now.

 

But the reality is that it happened in the past - and that's where it should stay.

[Vicky89]

I'm confused...

 

This is what you write on another thread just few days back.

 

Hey guys,

 

Me and my ex broke up 5 months ago. It was for the best as we didn't have the same goals in life and began to argue more and more rather than enjoying ourselves.

 

We share the same group of largely male friends (they are my ex-housemates from when at University & her ex-coursemates from University).

 

Neither of us live in the same city as our big group of friends anymore, so me and my ex both want to go up for weekends and visit them. And as this is our friends we both want to be there pretty much every weekend.

 

I don't mind her being there, but I feel much more comfortable on nights she is not there so I can freely chat to girls in bars & just generally enjoy myself without having an ex there.

 

However for her, she wants the group of friends to go back to exactly to how it was - apart from us not being together.

 

Admittedly, I do miss the fun we all had together (imagine something like the T.V show Friends) but I don't think hanging around with her leads to me moving forward and pushing myself to meet new people if she is there.

 

The break-up was quite heated and within it I saw a side of her I don't particularly like - even as a friend, which is my I am inclined to become close friends with her again.

 

 

__

 

 

What should I do here?

 

Part of me wants to just become friends with her, accept that in a relationship we didn't work, but as friends we can. That way we can both go to the same events and eventually just all have fun together. But is it really moving on by having her in my life?

 

Thanks in advance,

 

Shaun M.

 

So, you were dating someone slept together, emotions were involved, broke up, and now you are dating your current gf ? I mean, you are saying she is your CURRENT gf, Is this the same woman or was the other one someone else ?

 

If it's the same person, then it seems you both don't get on so well, you have numerous differences, you have been on and off. If that was a different woman, then... you have slept with others while you and your current gf were friends so wouldn't that be the same thing as her sleeping with your best friend when you guys weren't dating ? You've both slept with others, so why the double standard ?

[Unreasonable]

1) She should have told you about it, as you finding out about it was all but inevitable and it is common courtesy, but I can understand why she didn't. In most cases, the "best-friends" rule applies if the best friend would be bothered by it, not the sloppy-seconds guy (and you are the sloppy-seconds guy since you were not exclusive).

 

2) Simply different values. While you can't imagine doing that, it IS possible to "love" and "miss" someone even if you are with someone else. It's called polyamory, but in this case, non-exclusive polyamory. But hey, if you can't deal with that different value, then you can't deal with it.