Cheating or overreacting??

[Crj84]

Some history before I jump in.. I am 33 and wife is 30. We have been married 4 years and together for almost 8. We have 2 young children.

 

About 4 weeks ago I was headed out to meet a buddy of mine after the kids we taken care of and asleep. As usual I could not locate my phone and my wife was in the shower so I grabbed her phone so I could call mine to locate it. So, as I pick up her phone and turn it on the screen is on a text message thread with another mom friends in which she has a close relationship with. Ive never had reason to distrust my wife so I was taken by surprise that they were talking about a guy from the gym (she had just gotten home from the gym and she was texting her friend about this guy the whole time she was there). So I read the thread in its entirety and it was obvious my wife has the hots for this guy and the messages suggested that my wife and her friend, next time they were at the gym, would approach this guy, sorta like being my wife's wing girl. It was obvious that although my wife has had an eye on him, they had never spoken. His visual interest in her was unknown.

 

Additionally, it was kind of bothering me the whole time I was hanging out with my buddy so I logged into her FB account, again I've never had suspicions until early that night regarding any form of cheating. Turns out she private messaged him. The message was- 👀, that's it. He did not return the message before I had confronted her regarding this, which in hindsight was the wrong move, I think I should of waited it out to see if there was further messaging.

 

In short, my wife said she was unsure of why she. Private messaged him and also indicated that he was way out of her "league" and knew he would not reply. Something along the lines of " guys like that (muscles on muscles gym guy) don't want girls like me ( post baby body, although I love it)

 

What do you all think of this? Would you all consider this infidelity, at least a first step to it? As of today I am torn by this and feel anxious and unfocused, not sleeping while the first few weeks after I was able to deal with it.

 

Sorry for the book

[lostandhurt]

Welcome to ENA,

 

This wasn't some harmless smile at the muscle bound guy at the gym, this was an intentional effort to get his attention. That is not good. Even if she would have never done anything if he was interested there is a problem with your wife seeking attention from men other than you. It could be to feel sexy again or desired or it could be the need for some sort of validation that she can still attract a good looking guy. No matter the reason or cause it is a problem that needs to be addressed.

 

The best way is to look into some couples counseling. I know you are a guy and want to fix things yourself but this really needs an outside perspective and experience to help get to the bottom of all of this and in the process make your marriage so much better. I am sure there are things you and your wife do not discuss and need to work on and sitting down with a counselor is a great way to clear the air and begin to understand parts of how each of you really feel.

 

Please check your insurance to see if it covers counseling and if not if you attend church they usually have people that are qualified to help. If not find one on your own (before telling your wife you want to go see someone) and then set up an appointment when you know she can go with you. Then bring it up to her how torn up you are over what she has done and that you have made an appointment with a marriage counselor. If she refuses to go then go by yourself.

 

Back to what she did. Her excuse is that he is way out of her league. As men you and I both know if the guy is bored or just wants something new for fun he would bang your wife given half the chance. He may have strong morals and would simply tell her to go back to her husband and stop flirting with other men but you cannot count on every guy she gets the hots for being a standup guy. She crossed a serious line from a secret crush or checking out some good looking guy at the gym to planning to contact him and then contacting him. There was nothing innocent about what she did. Take this seriously because something is wrong that let her think is it was okay to do this.

 

Lost

[Andrina]

Time for marriage counseling since communication has done nothing toward making you feel secure about your marriage. She crossed boundaries, and it's best to be proactive and get to a place of understanding now, on whether the marriage can get back to safe territory or not. Her response was so shallow and she did not take any responsibility for her own behavior. It sounds like she's not afraid of losing you. Did you make it clear how serious of a matter this is? Time to discuss boundaries and if she blows you off, go to a counselor yourself if she refuses marital counseling.

[Vicky89]

Some history before I jump in.. I am 33 and wife is 30. We have been married 4 years and together for almost 8. We have 2 young children.

 

About 4 weeks ago I was headed out to meet a buddy of mine after the kids we taken care of and asleep. As usual I could not locate my phone and my wife was in the shower so I grabbed her phone so I could call mine to locate it. So, as I pick up her phone and turn it on the screen is on a text message thread with another mom friends in which she has a close relationship with. Ive never had reason to distrust my wife so I was taken by surprise that they were talking about a guy from the gym (she had just gotten home from the gym and she was texting her friend about this guy the whole time she was there). So I read the thread in its entirety and it was obvious my wife has the hots for this guy and the messages suggested that my wife and her friend, next time they were at the gym, would approach this guy, sorta like being my wife's wing girl. It was obvious that although my wife has had an eye on him, they had never spoken. His visual interest in her was unknown.

 

Additionally, it was kind of bothering me the whole time I was hanging out with my buddy so I logged into her FB account, again I've never had suspicions until early that night regarding any form of cheating. Turns out she private messaged him. The message was- 👀, that's it. He did not return the message before I had confronted her regarding this, which in hindsight was the wrong move, I think I should of waited it out to see if there was further messaging.

 

In short, my wife said she was unsure of why she. Private messaged him and also indicated that he was way out of her "league" and knew he would not reply. Something along the lines of " guys like that (muscles on muscles gym guy) don't want girls like me ( post baby body, although I love it)

 

What do you all think of this? Would you all consider this infidelity, at least a first step to it? As of today I am torn by this and feel anxious and unfocused, not sleeping while the first few weeks after I was able to deal with it.

 

Sorry for the book

 

That's amazing, she couldn't even give you an apology ( not that it would have mattered as she wasn't truly sorry or she wouldn't have done any of that) but still... no apology instead she compliments this guys hot Greek God looks and says he is way too hot for her or to notice her.... so am guessing you must be what ? Fugly number 5 ? You are not out of her league ? She can have you so she takes you for granted type of guy, the other guy, you know, the hot one at the gym that's not even aware that she exists, well, that guy gets her full attention, gets her all steamy and worked up, you ? You are just the sucker that's there to help pay her bills.

 

That's a shame, I would personally not put up with that behavior from a guy I was seeing. However, you guys have two kids, a mortgage and married, so you pretty much tied a noose around your neck with this vile woman. You could attend couples counseling like others suggested, she should be the one to fork over the money for those sessions, if she's not willing to pay for couples counseling, then you pretty much have your answer of what she thinks of you. If she's willing to attend and pay the sessions, then that's a good first step in the right direction, another good step would be that since she has broken your trust, you should have free access to all her social media accounts and phone. She needs to be transparent with you.

[Crj84]

Her response was so shallow and she did not take any responsibility for her own behavior. It sounds like she's not afraid of losing you. Did you make it clear how serious of a matter this is? Time to discuss boundaries and if she blows you off, go to a counselor yourself if she refuses marital counseling.

 

We did talk at length about how I felt and the reason she felt this happened. She was apologetic and was pretty emotional, although I'm not sure weather if she was turkey upset with hurting me or for some other reason.

 

After this happened the first 2-3 weeks went well considering the circumstances. I made genuine efforts to give her more affection, complements, and alone time as these are things she said wanted more of, and I did somewhat agree as I realize I am not the perfect husband and I could up my game in these areas. She reciprocated this back towards me although I feel at times it may have been ingenuine.

 

The last week or so I feel she has been slightly distant and frequently on her phone, texting and social media. In a vaccume this would not concern me had it not been for the incident a month earlier as she has always been kind of a "nose in the phone" type person; however I just felt like she was mentally present all the time. Additionally, while hanging with the kids my son got a hold of her iPad and she has been reading quite a bit of the "mommy porn" type books, which really bothered me when I thought about it considering the distance and earlier attempted contact with muscle guy.

 

Also she put a pin on her facebook account so I can not access it. I have occasionally checked her email and texts with no disconcerting thing found.

 

I'm really not sure if this is me just trying to price something together that is not there or trying to see if there will be in the future, be it next month or next year. I want this to work and honestly this has taken me by surprise and I'm a little shocked. Although the marriage does has it peaks and valleys as most do, I never though it would be where it is at today.

 

Thanks for listening

[lostandhurt]

You are not being paranoid or unreasonable. These are serious signs and cannot be ignored!!! Trust me on this.

 

Do as we have suggested and get into counseling together as soon as possible. This isn't something you can repair on your own.

 

Also you need to do a total 180 on the way you have been lately. Get yourself cleaned up, take better care of yourself, spend more time with your kids (walks after dinner, play in the yard, go to the park) stay clean shaven and smell nice, get into better physical shape, respect yourself more, be more involved in all aspects of your family (finances, grocery shopping, cleaning cooking, school). Basically start living your life like you are single and trying to attract women but do this while working towards making your marriage better. What this does is it gives you confidence, you feel better about yourself and your place in the marriage and most importantly it makes you feel better about your life in general. Now this may have an affect on how your wife views you or it may not but you are not doing it for her, you are doing it for you. I am not saying become the muscle bound guy at the gym I am saying be the best you can be.

 

Here are a few things NOT to do:

 

Don't be a wussy

Don't kiss her butt so she won't cheat or leave

Don't lay down and get walked on so she doesn't get upset

Don't close your eyes and hope this goes away

Don't trust her, keep your eyes open and your mouth shut!

Don't check up on her, let her think the coast is clear and she will either do the right thing or you will see that she is up to no good.

 

If your wife doesn't work you need to suggest that she gets a part time job while the kids are in school. This does two things. Occupies her time so she isn't sitting around fantasizing about this other guy and also gets her back into the workforce just in case this whole thing goes sideways and a divorce happens. The last thing you want is 2 kids and a wife that doesn't work when you end up in family court.

 

Look into a marriage counselor today!!! You have an opportunity here so don't be lazy or think it isn't as bad as it is.

 

Lost

[j.man]

Yeah, dude. Stop policing her texting and emails. It's an inadequate and, in my view, ill-intended substitute for the very real attention this situation merits through marriage counseling.

 

Though it seems to have "paid off" in this scenario, it does trouble me a bit that your initial discovery was your wife simply texting about a hot guy at the gym to a female friend of hers you took the lady locker room talk as license to proceed through her correspondence. Again, obviously you discovered something important as a result, but I'd have to wonder if it's not worth reflecting on how healthy everything has really been prior to all this.

[Unreasonable]

Something's missing in your marriage. Definitely get marriage counselling. And stop snooping, I guarantee you pick up ANYBODY's smartphone that isn't wiping it clean on a daily basis and you're going to find something that's going to upset you. Being internet cop is not sustainable.

[ParisPaulette]

If it were me in your shoes I'd tell the wife we get marriage counseling or she can start looking at being single, so she can pursue men to her hearts content. But not with your kids present and you will be going for full custody since you cannot trust her to be a decent mom to them. Then you print out the stuff she's done so far, go see a divorce attorney, and get custody of your kids so she's not bringing them around sketchy men. Actually, before you have that conversation see if you can print out the stuff she's said already. Take that to the divorce attorney. Then afterwards sit her down, tell her you've consulted with an attorney and given them evidence of her attempts to cheat and you will be pushing forward with divorce proceedings and full custody of the kids and house if she feels so inclined as to instigate contact with other men behind your back.

 

This is a terrible insult. Maybe ask her how she'd feel if you start doing that to women at the gym, who you know are out of your league, but hey you're gonna try anyways 'cause what's the harm. If you don't do those type of things to her, then no it's not acceptable she does them to you. Actually that type of behavior isn't acceptable at all from anyone in a monogmous relationship.

 

And I'm advocating you play hardball, because you're married with kids. You cannot afford to let this go on or slide until she's full blown cheating on you.

 

It's time for some marriage counseling or you really do start divorce proceedings and let her know you aren't playing around, because she is looking to cheat if she hasn't already. And that guy at the gym is probably going to be seriously skeeved out a married woman with kids is creeping on him. But the fact is looking is one thing, fantasy sure, but she crossed the line in trying to actually meet up with him and start a conversation.

 

That is a clear sign your marriage is in trouble and being reasonable or leaving it, because you're afraid of what might happen is just going to be sticking your head in the sand. So don't. It's not conduct becoming of a married mother for God's sake. Don't tolerate it and yes, I would personally see the divorce attorney anyways. Keep all evidence of her attempts at cheating or contact with other men. If you like, even hire a PI at this point, because wowza that is just not okay at all.

[Careerchoice]

Stop putting your head in the sand, man. Your wife disrespected you hard. This is not the time for compliments. It's a sign that she doesn't respect you. It sounds like you lean towards having a doormat personality and this needs to change, otherwise she's going to leave you. This is the time for you to look out for yourself and your own well being.

 

Your frame of mid must always be that if you're not being fairly treated in the relationship, that you'll leave. I'm not getting that from you right now.

[Wiseman2]

She's very insecure and fantasizing about the hot gym guy is her way to deal. Try bringing back the romance. She wants male attention .