Reconciling after 3yrs, married for 20

[Jackson1275]

Hello - I was married 20yrs, divorced for three. My ex and I have tried to get back together twice since our divorce, and each time I break it off, even though one time was my idea and I went to him to ask if we could try again. The three years for me on my own were awful. I don't know how else to describe it. Two very tumultuous relationships, major depression, financial worries, health issues. The divorce was very amicable, no issues with the kids, 15 and 17, no malice on either side, just sadness and anger at things turning out the way they did.

 

I hinted to my ex when my last relationship failed that I was free and I hoped his turned out better, as we had both been seeing others. A few weeks later, he sent me an email saying he missed me and wanted to give his new relationship a decent shot but couldn't, because he knew I was single again and couldn't stop thinking if this could be a new chance for us. I agreed with him. The previous two reconciliations were half-hearted attempts, mostly on my side. This time it felt real, right, and that it was going to work. I moved back in with him two weeks after our discussion and we obviously told the kids. They were skeptical, of course, and with good reason, seeing us fail twice before at getting back together.

 

So it's been three weeks now living together and I am enjoying immensely having the family back together, being part of something familiar and known. I don't miss being on my own, I don't miss the freedom to date. But I thought I would feel more for my ex and that it would grow the more time we spent together. I just feel empty. I do love him a lot. He's been a part of my entire adult life and we've known each other longer than we haven't, meeting at 19 and married for 20 yrs. He has control issues and drinking issues and we've talked about those. He has them mainly under control but with our dynamic, it's extremely hard not to fall back into old habits and ways of relating to each other. I want this to work. I miss my family, I miss him, I enjoy spending time with him. We get along very well. But there's something...missing. Something very important and I can't talk myself into feeling it or helping it grow or even WTH it IS. I guess I feel comfortable and content, but there's no spark, no passion, no special connection. And I'm not talking just physically. More emotionally. I feel like a total douchebag for starting this up again when I keep feeling the same way once we start actually trying to reconcile. I thought moving in and making this more of a major committment would be the difference this time. I hurt him badly the last time I decided our reconciliation wasn't going to work. Going into it this time just felt different. Felt right and hopeful and exciting. I do feel that I went out on my own and failed miserably after the divorce. That maybe we were meant to be together and all those failures were signs trying to let me know that. I'm so confused and I keep messing up the kids' lives and hopes and my ex's as well. He senses that I'm drifting away again and I feel horrible...completely horrible, the lowest of the low. I don't want to be on my own again and I don't want to date and find someone new. I guess I may be trying to go back in time and maybe that's just not possible.

 

I don't even know exactly why I'm writing this, but if anyone can relate or give advice, I would appreciate it. Even if it's brutal or harsh, I think I might just need to hear it.

 

Thanks

 

J

[parmesan19]

Hello,

 

Congratulations on your marriage lasting for 20 years, first and foremost. Being married nowadays can clearly come with its own challenges and sometimes does not pan out the way we expect it to sometimes. I think how you envisioned your relationship with your ex-husband seems largely influenced by this idea that you are "meant to be together," but from an outsider's perspective, it sounds like you're trying to make it fit into a narrative that does not reflect the reality. This dissonance is probably the source of your confusion.

 

One positive note is the idea that you recognize there are history and patterns that you and he are susceptible to fall into. Based on what you said, it looks like he's put in the work to mitigate those behaviors that once plagued your relationship. Now I ask you: what have you done for yourself to mitigate the doubts and dependance on your emotional spark to fuel this relationship? Another person shouldn't be the source of your fulfillment. Even in basic relationships as friendships—using another person to make you feel whole does no one any favors. Have you dealt with your "Two very tumultuous relationships, major depression, financial worries, health issues" or are you in the process of dealing with them?

 

If you're relying on a new beginning to spark the emotions in your heart, then I predict you'll only see failure for this. A good relationship should be built on trust that each person is going to put in the work, and when you can trust that you're partner is putting in the work, you naturally build upon your emotional connection. If you recognize that you both are falling into old patterns, then you have to change those dynamics, otherwise what's the point of revisiting what hasn't worked? I recommend trying something that is a challenge to the both of you—whether that may be some physical challenge, like going on a hike or training for a 5K together, or something practical like learning how to cook new meals. Force yourselves out of the comfort zone that has only led you to disappointment and see what happens. Externalizing your desires to make this work through action can only solidify the internal recognition that you both are on the same page.

[LaHermes]

Jackson. We cannot re-live the past or re-produce it.

 

"I guess I may be trying to go back in time and maybe that's just not possible."

 

All you can do is forge new beginnings. And get help where necessary to forge those new beginnings.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you want this. Not the marriage or the drinking or the control or the relationship or the sex or him. Just familiar comfort.

I am enjoying immensely having the family back together, being part of something familiar and known. I don't miss being on my own, I don't miss the freedom to date.

[abitbroken]

I have an aunt and uncle who married eachother 4 times. I am not lying. My aunt realized she should have left well enough alone (they divorced after the 4th as well and were divorced for 15 years before he died)

 

The problem with your scenario of trying again is that he has not had any revelation to go into recovery for an alcohol problem. its just that you missed eachother. The devil you know vs the devil you don't know. Its going to be a honeymoon period and then its going to be problems with the bottle all over. You should have made it the stipulation and not even looked his way if he wasn't clean and sober and really sincerely working at it every day.

[AutumnBorn]

Jackson, this is what I know about love:

 

1. It's not a Hollywood movie. Passion, which we think of as love, is a chemical imbalance. Real love is comfort, familiarity, loyalty, safety. It's warm, not exciting. It comes with time, not a neurological, chemical reaction;

 

2. Love has tides. Sometimes it's in, sometimes it's out;

 

3. When we want change in the dynamic of a relationship, we only need to change our own behavior - that alone changes everything.

 

I hope the two of you are kind to each other and, whatever happens, you're both content.

 

 

I suggest you read Al Turtle's website, front to back. It's the best relationship website ever created.

 

 

[Jackson1275]

from an outsider's perspective, it sounds like you're trying to make it fit into a narrative that does not reflect the reality. This dissonance is probably the source of your confusion.

 

This really rings true for me. We've talked some more about things and he feels I am concerned more with what he COULD be than accepting what he is. I don't want things to be like they were though, so I guess in a way, I do want him to be different.

[Jackson1275]

Part of the problem is I don't really want to forge a new beginning by starting all over so there's a ton of resistance there. I miss the family unit, the shared activities, the sense of belonging, the 'known' factor of it all. And I also know that my reaction is coming from a place of fear and high resistance, but the alternative is too scary and depressing for me so I feel stuck between a reality I know but that I've outgrown in many ways, or a reality where everything is so uncertain and one where I'd have to reinvent every aspect of my life all over again. Both scenarios seem equally awful to me. But I am coming to realize that you really can't relive the past or reproduce it

[Jackson1275]

 

1. It's not a Hollywood movie. Passion, which we think of as love, is a chemical imbalance. Real love is comfort, familiarity, loyalty, safety. It's warm, not exciting. It comes with time, not a neurological, chemical reaction;

 

2. Love has tides. Sometimes it's in, sometimes it's out;

 

3. When we want change in the dynamic of a relationship, we only need to change our own behavior - that alone changes everything.

 

 

This reasoning was a big reason why I chose to try to reconcile. I'm not expecting fireworks or the spark of a 'new' relationship after spending two decades with this person.

"Real love is comfort, familiarity, loyalty, safety. It's warm, not exciting. It comes with time, not a neurological, chemical reaction."

 

I did feel this with him at one time and if I can recapture that or reinvent it with him, then I think with all that's at stake, it's worth a try. But then I wonder if I'm being naive and letting nostalgia color reality into something it can no longer be. I am going to give it some more time, I guess, and see if I can stop feeling all over the place with this decision.

[abitbroken]

You have several choices

 

1) Be done with him for good. Nothing says you CAN'T both go to kids' plays, sporting tournaments and be in attendance together. Recently there was a picture on social media that went viral showing mom, dad, stepdad and stepmom all at the same child's game all in their corner. There is nothing that says you can't have a relationship where you are not romantically involved,not living together, etc, but you are solidly behind your kids and they both see you there.

 

2) "live together" but agree that he won't change. Cultivate volunteer opportunities and female friendships of your own to keep yourself busy to not rely on him for that validation. Two ships pass in the night. when the kids are out of the house, evaluate if this is what you really want.

 

3) Stay together and expect that this will change him, he'll finally throw away the bottle (he won't) and become the enabler or cry yourself to sleep because you don't feel validated.

[abitbroken]

 

I did feel this with him at one time and if I can recapture that or reinvent it with him, then I think with all that's at stake, it's worth a try. But then I wonder if I'm being naive and letting nostalgia color reality into something it can no longer be. I am going to give it some more time, I guess, and see if I can stop feeling all over the place with this decision.

 

It should have been recaptured before you moved back in. Its tough on the kids for you to have divorced, but its hard on them for to be doing what you are doing as well.