Jackson1275 Posted May 9, 2017 Share Posted May 9, 2017 Hello - I was married 20yrs, divorced for three. My ex and I have tried to get back together twice since our divorce, and each time I break it off, even though one time was my idea and I went to him to ask if we could try again. The three years for me on my own were awful. I don't know how else to describe it. Two very tumultuous relationships, major depression, financial worries, health issues. The divorce was very amicable, no issues with the kids, 15 and 17, no malice on either side, just sadness and anger at things turning out the way they did. I hinted to my ex when my last relationship failed that I was free and I hoped his turned out better, as we had both been seeing others. A few weeks later, he sent me an email saying he missed me and wanted to give his new relationship a decent shot but couldn't, because he knew I was single again and couldn't stop thinking if this could be a new chance for us. I agreed with him. The previous two reconciliations were half-hearted attempts, mostly on my side. This time it felt real, right, and that it was going to work. I moved back in with him two weeks after our discussion and we obviously told the kids. They were skeptical, of course, and with good reason, seeing us fail twice before at getting back together. So it's been three weeks now living together and I am enjoying immensely having the family back together, being part of something familiar and known. I don't miss being on my own, I don't miss the freedom to date. But I thought I would feel more for my ex and that it would grow the more time we spent together. I just feel empty. I do love him a lot. He's been a part of my entire adult life and we've known each other longer than we haven't, meeting at 19 and married for 20 yrs. He has control issues and drinking issues and we've talked about those. He has them mainly under control but with our dynamic, it's extremely hard not to fall back into old habits and ways of relating to each other. I want this to work. I miss my family, I miss him, I enjoy spending time with him. We get along very well. But there's something...missing. Something very important and I can't talk myself into feeling it or helping it grow or even WTH it IS. I guess I feel comfortable and content, but there's no spark, no passion, no special connection. And I'm not talking just physically. More emotionally. I feel like a total douchebag for starting this up again when I keep feeling the same way once we start actually trying to reconcile. I thought moving in and making this more of a major committment would be the difference this time. I hurt him badly the last time I decided our reconciliation wasn't going to work. Going into it this time just felt different. Felt right and hopeful and exciting. I do feel that I went out on my own and failed miserably after the divorce. That maybe we were meant to be together and all those failures were signs trying to let me know that. I'm so confused and I keep messing up the kids' lives and hopes and my ex's as well. He senses that I'm drifting away again and I feel horrible...completely horrible, the lowest of the low. I don't want to be on my own again and I don't want to date and find someone new. I guess I may be trying to go back in time and maybe that's just not possible. I don't even know exactly why I'm writing this, but if anyone can relate or give advice, I would appreciate it. Even if it's brutal or harsh, I think I might just need to hear it. Thanks J Link to comment
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