GF Broke Up with Me...3.5 Months

[magpul]

Me and my (J) (25) ex dated for 3.5 months, and even though it was short, it was very strong. We both felt an instant connection with each other. She stayed up the first night with me till about 5 am at my house just speaking with me. I guess the fact that she stayed with me the first night in my bed should have been one of the red flags that popped, but this girl had me.

 

A little backstory on her: Her mom left her when she was a child, came back into her life when she was a teenager and then left her again. Her dad isn't her real father, she doesn't know who her real father is. Her "dad" is paralyzed from the chest down due to a drunk driving accident when someone hit him when he was younger. She had anorexia throughout high school. She is diagnosed with anxiety and depression, takes medication for it, and also drinks heavy amounts of alcohol, getting drunk about 3-4 times a week. She was married at 19 and divorced at 21. Again, red flags that I thought were nothing because if I just loved her strongly and deeply enough none of it would be an issue...

 

On the 3rd date she told me that she loved me and I said it back to her. I became putty for her. This was the first girl since my previous gf before her (which ended about 1.3 years ago) that I broke up with that I actually had legitimate feelings for. I'm very picky, prior to J I had been dating lots of women that I just never felt anything for. I went on about 50-60 dates before meeting her. I do get a lot of attention from girls, but all of that is irrelevant when there is only one that you want. Since meeting we only stayed about 4 days apart from each other, I thought we were inseparable. After about 4 weeks she moved in with me (ugh). I renewed my lease for her when I had originally planned to move into a cheaper rental. We bought home decor together, we planned things out, I thought I finally found the one. She met my family and I met hers. We talked marriage and kids, she had e-mailed wedding venues out in Colorado to hold the wedding at and I was looking at rings. Her friends knew that I had planned on proposing to her and they were completely on board with it.

 

The kinds of things J would say to me made me 100% sure that she was staying with me for life. She said I was her favorite person in the whole world and that she has never loved another human as much as me. She use to say how she was going to marry me and build a life with me to her friends. Her friends really liked me and so did her dad (her dad hated her exes). She told me that she would never leave me, that she was going to be here for me no matter what and she was completely in love with me. Then last Saturday night happened.

 

We were out at some bars with her friends, I didn't really want to go out drinking, but I did because I feel like in relationships you should want to compromise in situations to make your significant other happy. I fully intended to have a good time, but it seems she was set on making this a bad night for us. We got into a little play fight in front of her friends that I thought was completely harmless. We were going back and forth on the topic of handiness, when suddenly she blurts out in an obviously aggravated tone "At least I have more tools in my tool bag, *derogatory term for a gay male*". After she said that I was just like, seriously? I didn't even know how to respond to that, I feel like there are certain things that you don't say to people, even if you are joking. So after she said that I just went quiet, grabbed my phone and stuck to myself. She then said "Oh really? Just do what you always do and shut down, real cool". I didn't once raise my voice or become confrontational in any way after she said that. But after we were going to leave, I raised the topic with her, and she started yelling at me at the bar in front of everyone. So we got in my truck and left on to the next place her friends wanted to go to. We had an argument in the truck, but it seemed like I could not say anything right at the point. We get to the other bar and had some drinks when she decides to go outside and smoke a cigarette with her guy friend (I have never seen her smoke before). I walked out there after about 10 minutes and they both didn't know I was standing right there. I happened upon a conversation about her ex-boyfriend they were having. At this point I was just done. I felt incredibly disrespected. I asked if I could talk with her, her guy friend went back inside, and she said that " we were just talking about him and how it was unfortunate circumstance with him and how we broke up". I was so hurt by this point that I said I was going home (since she previously said that she had a place to stay that night if I decided to go home). So I walked in, paid my tab, and left.

 

I got home and on her Snapchat she posted a video with her singing "Another love crash and burns" with her friends. It seemed at that point to me that she was going to break up with me. I couldn't believe that I just saw the girl that I was in love with say that about our relationship on a social media platform, a girl that supposedly was in love with me and frequently referred to herself with my last name. So the next day we broke up. She said she needed some time to think about things (she was saying this as she randomly pulled over on the side of the road to throw up), she said that she doesn't know what she wants, and doesn't know if she wants to be with her ex and that she misses him (this ex of hers verbally abused her and would get drunk all the time). When I heard that I felt like the talk was over, so I said this is it then. I told her I loved her and that I was thankful for her, and then hung up. The last time I saw her was on Tuesday. We met in a Target parking lot so I could get my key, and I was kind enough to bring her clothes so that she had some for work. I didn't once raise my voice or get angry with her during the meeting. I was just a sobbing mess for most of the exchange. I told her that I loved her so much, that I would do anything for her, and wanted nothing but the best for her. She said she doesn't know why she's feeling the way she's feeling, she mentioned her anxiety and depression. I think a part of her felt like she said too much to her friends and family about me after coming down from her drunken night out. She was crying most of the time we were talking.

 

I was nothing but good to her. I loved her with everything I had, made sacrifices for her, always did what she wanted to do, would go out of my way and schedule to make her happy, I would rub her back every night until she fell asleep. I'm so hurt by all this, mostly from the fact that I could love someone so much and have them profess their love to me in such a deep and impactful way, then for all of it to ultimately mean nothing to her. I just feel like an empty shell right now, and wanted to post this to help get things off my mind and maybe hear some advice. Thanks.

[MissCanuck]

OP, you ignored glaring red flags that this girl was not girlfriend material. You two didn't know each other well enough to have developed profound love. You're confusing infatuation and lust and butterflies for true love, it appears.

 

Declaring her love on date 3, moving in at 4 weeks, and emailing wedding venues before you'd even hit the 4-month mark are the actions of a person is not emotionally stable. These are instead the actions of an extremely impulsive person who doesn't use logic or sound judgment when making decisions. It should therefore come as no surprise that she ended this just as suddenly. She was running on superficial emotions and hormones, not on actual care of respect for you.

 

Next time, run away from women who display such alarming behaviour - not toward them. You will never get a healthy relationship out of these types.

[Wiseman2]

Yikes. All this drama after dating only 3 mos? Not over her ex, "frequently referred to herself with my last name" the smoking, drinking, dopey videos, etc. #-o

 

Even though you are infatuated there are so many red flags that you should be glad you averted a train wreck about to happen. Sorry, she's a mess and not ready to date. Pull way back and stay no contact.

3.5 months she said that " we were just talking about him and how it was unfortunate circumstance with him and how we broke up". she posted a video with her singing "Another love crash and burns" with her friends.

[magpul]

Yeah, I definitely ignored the red flags. She is very pretty, our personalities meshed very well. That could have been what got me to commit so heavily so early. I felt like I had a genuine connection with her in all aspects.

 

I haven't had any contact with her since our last text 4 days ago where I told her to leave the garage door opener in the garage once she grabs all of her things. Me and my parents moved her stuff out there. The last thing I said to her in person was "It's ok" when she said she was sorry for what has happened. If she ever really loved me at all that will be something that weighs on her in the weeks ahead. I didn't beg for her to come back, I simply told her I loved her and said I was going to miss her.

[kbbcoop77]

Pray she DOESNT come back! It'll be the same thing over and over with her. She needs to grow up she's no where near relationship ready..eventually she'll just be a memory of that crazy chick you dated. And don't fall so fast, you know nothing about a person in a few months

[SadSadgirl]

she's a walking train wreck.

 

people with untreated mental illnesses are not dating material, and it sounds like she doesn't take care of her depression.

 

impulsive people are one of the most worst people to date because they don't think about how things will turn out in the future, it's just NOW NOW NOW.

 

i agree, too much drama, and too fast for only 3.5 months.

 

the quicker they run, the harder they fall.

 

this type of relationship will never work out. your love will NOT help her! she needs to help herself first.

 

move on.

 

good luck

[magpul]

Thanks all. I'm trying to remind myself that I'm not at fault for this. When I'm thinking back on some of our interactions she would talk so condescending to me, like I was an employee that worked under her or something. When I would bring up random stuff about my day or just in general, she often only would reply with "that's exciting", like she had no real interest in it. When she met my brother and his wife she never asked them a single personal question about their life. She wouldn't even really talk at dinner when we went out with them. When they asked her about herself she literally answered the question like she was being interviewed. It was as if she had rehearsed it 10 times in front of the mirror.

 

We went out to Colorado (where I grew up) and she didn't ask me one personal question about it at all when we were there. She didn't ask me where I grew up, didn't ask me to see the high school I went to, she didn't even comment on the weather or how pretty it was in the mountains. She was glued to her phone almost the entire time.

[MissCanuck]

OP, all of that apparent lack of interest in you and your life is another red flag. She wasn't into you, exactly, but the thrill that comes with being in a new relationship and getting attention and affection.

 

People like her chase new-relationship butterflies but they're easily distracted and move on quickly, because a butterfly never stays in one place for very long. Once the first thrill wears off, they move on in search of the next. They're not material for long-term, stable relationships.

[magpul]

OP, all of that apparent lack of interest in you and your life is another red flag. She wasn't into you, exactly, but the thrill that comes with being in a new relationship and getting attention and affection.

 

People like her chase new-relationship butterflies but they're easily distracted and move on quickly, because a butterfly never stays in one place for very long. Once the first thrill wears off, they move on in search of the next. They're not material for long-term, stable relationships.

 

Yeah you're right, and its hard for me to admit that right now. It just blows my mind that people are capable of doing something like this. I've dealt with self-confidence issues in the past and I'm trying not to let that become an issue again because of this.

[MissCanuck]

It's a valuable lesson, if nothing else: your instinct that something wasn't right about her was bang-on. Listen to your gut next time when it's trying to tell you to slow way down and take a big step back.

 

Because I believe that her diving head-first into the relationship wasn't actually because of you (no offense to you personally) I also believe that her sudden departure isn't because of you either. It's her.

 

I mean, somewhere in your mind an alarm bell must've been ringing when she said she loved on date 3, no? Why did she move in within just 4 weeks? What were the voices in the back of your mind telling you when this was moving at lightning speed?

[magpul]

It's a valuable lesson, if nothing else: your instinct that something wasn't right about her was bang-on. Listen to your gut next time when it's trying to tell you to slow way down and take a big step back.

 

Because I believe that her diving head-first into the relationship wasn't actually because of you (no offense to you personally) I also believe that her sudden departure isn't because of you either. It's her.

 

I mean, somewhere in your mind an alarm bell must've been ringing when she said she loved on date 3, no? Why did she move in within just 4 weeks? What were the voices in the back of your mind telling you when this was moving at lightning speed?

 

I guess I just ignored all the alarm bells because she was very pretty, and we got along so good in the beginning. I specifically remember going to the restroom and looking in the mirror after she told me her life story and the fact she was on meds for depression and anxiety, I just looked in the mirror and shook my head and knew that I was about to get myself in trouble. She reeled me in by her looks and all the love talk and I took the bait along with the hook.

[Wiseman2]

Ok time for this instructional video:

I guess I just ignored all the alarm bells because she was very pretty. She reeled me in by her looks and all the love talk and I took the bait along with the hook.

[magpul]

Ok time for this instructional video:

I've seen that one haha, one of the things I looked up after this happened. The girl knew she could use her looks to her advantage and she did.

 

My ex before her never treated me the way she did. But I screwed that relationship up because I'm an idiot and she won't talk to me anymore. Ugh, being a human is hard sometimes.