My Husband Doesn't Find Me Beautiful

[FirTree7]

Hi

 

This is my first time writing in a forum. But I really need some advice or some different perspectives.

 

The story:

My husband and I are married for 1 year now. I love him and with his personality he’s surely the one for me. Things were going great until he told me that he doesn’t find me very beautiful. He finds my personality attractive but doesn’t really like how I look. This was devastating for me! I hear it often from men (and women) that they think I’m beautiful, my eyes are amazing, my body etc. I just assumed that because he married me, that he finds me pretty.

Since he told me the truth, I struggle every day. I’m trying everything now; shopping new clothes, spending hours in the bathroom styling myself, try to be the best wife in all kind of areas; household, sex, encouragement… But he doesn’t even realize it. So I brought the topic up again and he just said “I told you the truth. I’m not apologizing for being honest”.

Well yes, thanks for not lying -.-

I don’t know how to accept this situation. My confident sinks every day, I’m building a wall between my husband and me that he doesn’t hurt me anymore. And it’s hard for me to withdraw when other men are attracted to me.

How should I handle this situation? And what will happen in a few years when I get pregnant and gain weight? I will be even more unattractive to him ☹

 

Any advice?

[maccerz]

Oh my god, what a terrible thing to say to your wife!! Or to anyone for that matter! I'm so sorry to hear you've been made feel this way by the person who loves you. Just out of curiosity, in all the time you've known him did he ever tell you you were beautiful? Is this the way he claims he's always felt or is it a recent development? Does he treat you well generally or does he have a tendency to try and put you down?

[jujusamples]

To be honest, I don't always like a man for how he looks like. It's always the personality first for me. Then I find them more attractive when I get to know them better. Is this the case with your husband? I admit it's not a very flattering thing to say to you that he doesn't find you attractive. Which leads to the next question, why did he marry you? Like I said, if I don't find someone attractive at first sight, doesn't mean I don't find them attractive later on.

 

Did he just outright tell you that, or you asked him? At the same time, never ask a question you don't want to know the answer to. How do you feel about yourself, aside from your husband's comment? If you feel confident that you are attractive, then take it as it's his opinion. I know it's tough because that's your husband. Maybe he doesn't mean it the way you envision it? Have you considered some counselling for this?

[KantSleep]

Wow. Speechless. Who says this to their spouse? Why did he marry you? I don't get what he hoped to accomplish by telling you this. It's great he finds your personality attractive but if he doesn't find you physically attractive I can see how that would destroy self-esteem. Honestly, I wouldn't know what to do either... You are 1 year into a marriage. I would love to say "dump him" but who am I to say that? I can only say if my BF told me this to my face I would think he was a blithering idiot and likely dump him. However, you are married... Maybe other posters have some suggestions. I wish I did, with regards to how to fix this.

[itsallgrand]

Can you tell us more about the conversation and how it came to be?

It's a painful thing to be told, and most loving partners would never say it to the person they chose to love.

I'm wondering if there isn't more to it. Do you seek out validation on your looks a lot? I find it strange how much you mentioned how other people find you beautiful, sexy, attractive and how one of the thoughts running through your brain after this is of other men who you know find you attractive.

So I wonder if this isn't a passive aggressive move on his part, when he really has other things to say or is resentful of. Wouldn't make it 'ok' but a possible motivation to saying it. It's possible too he is trying to 'take you down a peg' ?

If he were just blunt, you would have heard it by now.

 

Really would need more info .

[MissCanuck]

Under what circumstances did he even come out with this revelation?

[LaHermes]

FirÇTree:

 

"he just said “I told you the truth. I’m not apologizing for being honest”. "

 

There are no excuses for this kind of brutality.

 

He doesn't like how you look! Is he some kind of film star or something?!

 

OP. Don't dance on the end of a string for him.

[Unreasonable]

Well, I think that was a moronic thing to say. A long time ago, when I was a young idiot, my wife really let herself go, and I told her I didn't find her attractive anymore. BIG MISTAKE. Attraction is a fluid thing, but those words can be hard to overcome. Sometimes, it IS better to stretch the truth.

 

This doesn't sound like your case though as it seems like your appearance hasn't really changed. Has he EVER found you beautiful? If not, I think all these hours slaving over your appearance might be a waste of time.

 

Interestingly enough, I was watching Guardians of the Galaxy 2 the other day, and there was conversation in which Drax, an unfiltered moron, told an obviously beautiful character that he found her hideous, for laughs, I guess. But, he followed up "When you're ugly and people love you, you know they love you for who you are. Beautiful people don't know who to trust." Now, I'm sure you are a beautiful person, with an attractive personality, but there is some wisdom there. IF your husband loves your personality, that's important, because then it won't matter what happens when you get pregnant, grow old, etc.

 

Anyway, just trying to give a slightly different perspective, while agreeing that what he said was idiotic.