(Warning, long post) Lack of intimacy, one sided relationship, about to snap

[Snaphappyalex]

I'm in DIRE need of help here people...

I'll try to give you brief rundown of everything that's happened.

 

So, I'm 25, she's 33. Been together almost 6 years now, engaged for 5.

 

First year was normal, you know, exciting, adventurous, still learning things about eachother.

 

Years 2-4 were full of arguing as I'd noticed a distinct lack of intimacy within the relationship, from simple cuddles to sexual acts, all had reduced to nil. Communication wasn't quite there and we were both stubborn.

 

Her side:

Openly admits she's just not that kind of person and never was, she acted intimate in order to keep hold of me for the first year, until she knew I was staying

 

My side:

This wasn't what I signed up for, I'm young, I have a fairly normal but not high desire for intimacy and surely there should be SOME intimacy in a relationship, otherwise that means she's not really that into me?

 

Years 4-6 were where communication improved, I feel I improved on my behaivour, but she hasnt changed much.

 

During year 4, we had moved for a prospect of a new job for myself and I became the sole wage earner in the household.

Following this, she lost all motivation and desire to do anything and has turned into a literal hermit. Won't socialise, won't lift a finger around the house...

Dare I say, I could genuinely take this on and accept it, if she reciprocated affection back to me and acted like my fiance, not a lazy flatmate.

 

Then, she caught me speaking to another woman as I was starved for affection. Nothing physical, and we never met in person, but we were intensely flirty. A bit of a move on my part and I can't say my circumstances 'justified' what I did, but I feel I had no alternative at the time. I think the shock of this made her sit up and take notice.

 

We talked, and each time we got closer to understanding where 'problems' were. She realised that the lack of intimacy was making me irritable and the pressure I was putting on her to perform was too immense and causing her anxiety, not making her feel very willing nor comfortable.

 

After each of these talks, it would be 3 steps forward and 2 back. A small improvement none-the-less.

 

The past 6 months have been a real struggle as I have been SO so so patient... trying to be Peter Perfect for her, giving her the world at the cost of my own sanity.

 

We had come to a so called 'Agreement' that if I needed affection, I could approach her without worry or fear. This turned out to be a lie as every time I did, I got outright rejected. Hell, I couldnt even kiss her without her thinking I was expecting sex (Which I genuinely wasn't!!!)

 

These rejections built up... We kept talking and I kept spilling my feelings, as did she. What I noticed was that although my requests stayed the same, the goalpost kept moving on her side.

The most common excuse I hear is 'I need time' which I've given her YEARS of time. Then that will change to 'I've just got a lot on my mind' so I boost my emotional support to her to help her get through her problems, then she's back to needing time... so I give her MORE time (all the while, not pestering, my anxiety and depression over the subject ever-increasing) and I approach her again in a week or 2. This time, She feels she has no nice clothes and looks horrible so she hates herself... So I buy her nice clothes (out of the single wage packet...) NOW SHE NEEDS MORE TIME AGAIN!

 

All the while, she's trying to convince me that I can approach her for affection. Every now and then she'll give in and give me a cuddle, or if all the stars align, a guilty form of lack-luster oral sex that feels one-sided, awkward, forced and almost rapey on my side, despite me not exactly forcing her either...

 

These approaches for affection have roughly a 1/20 success rate...

 

Lets jump to last night, I'll give you a rundown of what happened.

 

I finished work, feeling happy and great for once!

I walk through the door and make a beeline to her, throwing my arms around her and I give her a cuddle and a kiss, to which she keeps trying to pull away from. I back off and brush this aside, trying to keep a happy atmosphere in the air.

I help out with the washing up (the one thing she DOES do at home)

I then head down to the supermarket so I can get something nice to cook.

I get home and cook her a nice, fresh ingredients stir fry from scratch.

As we sit down to eat, SURPRISE! I pull out a fresh DVD of a film she wants to watch, and a bottle of wine. Her face lit up!

"I'm on to something here!" I thought

After dinner, I go into the mess of a bedroom (both of our faults) and clean it rigorously, and do what I can to make a nice, comfortable and romantic atmosphere. I'm talking the works here, after cleaning the room thoroughly I went around everything with fabric freshener, placed candles out, really went to town.

We head to bed, and as she walks into the bedroom, she barely takes any notice of whats been done, other than the fact it 'smells nice'

We cuddle for a bit (Weheeyyy!!!)

We kiss for a bit (WOOHOOO!!!!)

Things feel steamy (OH MY GOD YES!)

She throws her self at me in a romantic flurry of kisses (THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING!!!!)

Aaaaand turns over and says goodnight...... (Wait... what?)

So, trying to keep this going, I run my hands over her back, taking care not to be a 'typical bloke' going for sensitive and intimate areas.

No reaction...

I take matters in my own hands, she threw herself at me, so I can do the same back right? I roll her over and try to kiss her.

She pushes me away, and asks me what I'm doing...

By this point, it's obvious I'm being shut down...

A little peeved about this, I tried to remind her in a calm, warm and friendly manner that she said I shouldn't be scared to approach her.

She proceeds to remind me... for the 100th++ time that she needs.... you guessed it 'More time'

I rolled over in a bit of a huff, but simply said "I understand"

By this point, that rage that some men understand began to build and I thought 'No, this can't be the end, it's been such a lovely night, if there's ever a night where we break this wall, it's tonight! I can't take it anymore!'

So I roll back over and begin to massage her back, then slowly shift over and massage her breasts (something that worked in the early years)

5 minutes later, she begins to snore...

I'd had it... All the frustration of the past few years that I'd built up needed to be released

I threw my pillow across the room and in a fit of rage I told her that this can't go on, I hate the relationship and it's her fault for not listening to me. I wasn't polite, I wasn't nice. Up till this point, there had been no consequences to her lack of attention.

Rather than listen, or cry and close up, she got y back and proceeded to tell me things like 'But I gave you a blowjob last week' (Which I ultimately had to BEG for in the most submissive manner, which makes the whole act hollow)

I dropped it, couldn't be bothered to go on and went to sleep.

This morning I got ready for work without disturbing her, left her sleeping, and left without saying a word.

 

I still haven't spoke to her via messages or anything, nor has she spoke to me. I need to think VERY carefully about my next move here as this is make or break.

I can't accept it anymore, I'm at the point where if she asks for more 'time', I'm done. I'm kicking her out. She can live back at her mums.

I also felt the rage inside having a darker wish for physical violence. Something I will NEVER resort to, but that's a warning sign that things have gone TERRIBLY wrong.

I'm worried if I stay and continue to put up with this, I'll do something I will severely... regret to the end of my days.

 

What can I do here? Please... I'm begging for some help here.

I'm so sorry this was such a long read, but I wanted to include as much information as possible.

[maccerz]

God I'm sorry that your relationship has gotten to this point. I think you know what you have to do. It sounds like you guys are just house mates.. house mates that dont even particularly like eachother. You're only 25, you shouldn't be settling for a relationship like this! I think people forget that the whole point of a relationship (especially when you're young and there are no kids etc involved) is to ADD to your life, not to make things more difficult.. if you're unhappy in your relationship more of the time than you're happy then get out NOW!

[WithLove]

I stopped reading after this: "Openly admits she's just not that kind of person and never was, she acted intimate in order to keep hold of me for the first year, until she knew I was staying"

 

That's your answer. She won't change and neither will you, and this is a distinct lack of respect for you. At this point, you lack compatibility.

[MissCanuck]

You have been trying to make a dead relationship work for too long.

 

Intimacy is an important element of a relationship. You two are completely incompatible in that regard, and you keep hoping the other will change.

 

I'm sorry but I think you need to end this. You're too young to be tied into something that's clearly making you unhappy.

[Unreasonable]

You're incompatible. Move on. Just be happy you're not married and this can end without the mess of a divorce.

[Pretzel]

I have to agree with the advice given above, unfortunately, it seems as though you should cut your losses now. You've given the relationship enough chances, you've gone to the moon and back to try and bring her closer, but she's not engaging with you. It really, really sucks, and she doesn't seem to be aware that her lack of reciprocation on her part is hurtful. She is asking you to empathize with her, but it doesn't sound as if she has done the same back or acknowledged how hard it is for you. She's not willing to change, she has shown you that. Don't you think it's time to walk away? Imagine your life without her, I know it is is scary to imagine at first, but are you ultimately going to be happier? You are young and there are plenty of women out there - as cliche as it sounds - who will be on your level in terms of affection and love, and physical drive. You are denying the fact that you two are currently just incompatible. I'm sorry.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Sex was a chore to 'keep you'? That's rather long engagement for people whose libidos, drives and goals are so mismatched, no?

 

Neither of you sound happy in this bizarre roommate-like situation. You are at the breaking point. Yes let her move back to her mother's before you become more enraged or abusive.

I'm 25, she's 33. engaged for 5. she acted intimate in order to keep hold of me for the first year, until she knew I was staying. I became the sole wage earner in the household.

I'm kicking her out. She can live back at her mums. I also felt the rage inside having a darker wish for physical violence.

[Knight2001]

i would just get out now. this is not going to improve. you are not being unreasonable. she is. get out now. move on.

[jimthzz]

Agree with the assembled opinionating.

 

Cut your losses and move on.

 

She does sound depressed, btw.

 

When you break up with her you will have to set her up for a short while financially. She needs a job. You need freedom.

[someadvise]

Sorry you are going through this. I am going through an extremely similar situation. I hope you find a way that works for you before it’s too late. Sometimes you can’t help someone who won’t help themselves and it seems she’s got to comfortable to even try and be the doting other half