I think I met the "one"...but I'm confused

[msmd17]

I have been really confused and through a lot of emotions about a certain situation and really want to work it out. Last year I was living in South America for about 4 1/2 months and towards the end I met someone I really clicked with immediately. I have to say we are both adults and it was the first time a guy has ever asked me out on like a real, mature adult date. We are four years apart and in retrospect I may have come across as a little immature. Anyway I really liked him and my Spanish is pretty decent, but he speaks very little english(almost none). Anyway I felt a really intense feeling of security with him that I've never experienced with anyone else ever in my life and it had a really psychological impact on me that made me feel really attached to him. Anyway I had a really amazing time with him. I have never felt like that with anyone it was like being high. (Not on drugs..but like being in a dream. I don't know how else to describe it). Anyway he basically dumped me after the date, he tried to "let me down easy" I guess and he promised we would see each other the next day and I was really kind of blindsided because it was like being on this whirlwind of amazing emotions and then just being dumped with no explanation. I am trying to tell the story quickly...there are some details I will leave out to summarize. Anyway I got his information and searched him on Facebook and found out he was married and was completely shocked. Like I have never been so shocked in my life. (I went out with him and two of his coworkers, one who was married and the other who had a girlfriend and he basically made it a point that he was the single one and even made fun of his friend for being on the phone with his gf the whole night). Him and his friends left a few days later(they were in town for work). When I saw his Facebook I didn't do anything and basically accepted it as over because he looked so happy with his wife. They have been married since 2009 and they have two kids about ages 3 and 5 which is also really shocking because he is really pretty young and that means he got married really young. Anyway I got back to the US about a month later and couldn't stop thinking about him so I sent him a friend request and a short note just saying hi. I got a notification that he accepted my request and got a reply that he had written in English that made no sense. Despite the notification that he accepted my friend request our "status" never changed to friends. I wasn't sure what that meant, and I was really busy and despite the bad English his message seemed really curt so I didn't try talking to him again. Then about 6 months later I was thinking about him all the time and was sure that I was completely in love with him so I tried again. This time he flat out ignored me and I read on a relationship advice site that if a guy doesn't want to talk to you not to pressure him and to wait at least 30 days before trying to talk to him again. So I waited 30 days and when I tried to write him again I found out he had blocked me. I was really hurt and got really depressed and eventually blocked him back. I unblocked him and noticed he'd also unblocked me, but I've since blocked him again. Anyway, I don't want to sound stubborn or in denial but I REALLY don't want to let go. Please don't be too harsh. I tried to explain it as briefly as possible but I did leave some things out. I feel really nervous and knots in my stomach posting this.

[Blue Dreamer]

To better understand, what is the ideal situation for you?

[SadSadgirl]

he's married and doesn't want to see you anymore. let him go. it's not right

[jujusamples]

Did you have sex with him on the date?

 

Regardless if you did or not, it is completely wrong to reach out to him after you found out he's married. You really should delete him off Facebook and go see a counselor.

 

I get it, you feel a strong connection with him, but unfortunately, he's married. Take it as it's not meant to be. What worries me is that you don't really know this man, you had a brief encounter with him but you can't seem to let it go. Sorry to tell you, you are going to have to. This relationship is not going to work out for you. Why would you want to be involved with a cheater? He's not honest to his wife, what makes you think if you were to be in a relationship with him, he's going to be honest to you?

 

The reason I advise you to seek a therapist is because it's not normal that you are this obsess over someone whom you don't really know. Hence, he's married. Maybe talking to a therapist will help you sort out some underlying issues. Unless those details you are leaving out, are the important factors of what's really going on? Regardless, he's married, that should be the end of it.

[msmd17]

If I found out he felt the same way (like completely mutual with no doubt or hesitation on his part)..I would do almost anything to be with him. I would move back to where we met or even possibly to his hometown ( Both of which are on another continent...basically almost the South Pole). English is my first language and it's a really different culture, so it would be a lot for me, but if he felt the same way, I really trust him and feel that he is a very protective person and that I would be happy with him. I would basically be happy to start a life with him anywhere. If he wanted to come here it would be different because he doesn't know English at the moment. But my ideal situation would be for us to get engaged and then married.

[jujusamples]

If I found out he felt the same way (like completely mutual with no doubt or hesitation on his part)..I would do almost anything to be with him. I would move back to where we met or even possibly to his hometown ( Both of which are on another continent...basically almost the South Pole). English is my first language and it's a really different culture, so it would be a lot for me, but if he felt the same way, I really trust him and feel that he is a very protective person and that I would be happy with him. I would basically be happy to start a life with him anywhere. If he wanted to come here it would be different because he doesn't know English at the moment. But my ideal situation would be for us to get engaged and then married.

 

It is really naive to say you "trust" this person knowing that he cheated on his wife. Hence, you want to marry him?

[sara-pezzini]

Yeah I'm sorry but you're not in love, you're obsessed.... you don't really know him and the thing you do know is that he is a cheater.... how would you feel if you were with him and he did the same to you?

Respect his wife, don't reach out anymore, the 30 waiting isn't going to change anything, he doesn't want you and he has a family. End of story.

[msmd17]

To better understand, what is the ideal situation for you?

 

If I found out he felt the same way (like completely mutual with no doubt or hesitation on his part)..I would do almost anything to be with him. I would move back to where we met or even possibly to his hometown ( Both of which are on another continent...basically almost the South Pole). English is my first language and it's a really different culture, so it would be a lot for me, but if he felt the same way, I really trust him and feel that he is a very protective person and that I would be happy with him. I would basically be happy to start a life with him anywhere. If he wanted to come here it would be different because he doesn't know English at the moment. But my ideal situation would be for us to get engaged and then married.

[Raggie]

You're not listening. This is madness!

Honestly, you know almost nothing about this man after one date. The small amount you do know are all massive red flags. He uses. He cheats.

Come on. You can't change your whole life for someone you don't know. Someone who's adamant that he does not want to see you.

Please get some support on this. It is not healthy. I'm concerned for you.

[msmd17]

You're not listening. This is madness!

Honestly, you know almost nothing about this man after one date. The small amount you do know are all massive red flags. He uses. He cheats.

Come on. You can't change your whole life for someone you don't know. Someone who's adamant that he does not want to see you.

Please get some support on this. It is not healthy. I'm concerned for you.

What I wrote about wanting to get married was in response to someone asking me what my "ideal situation" would be.

[sara-pezzini]

Yah but still, you don't know him and yet you live in this fantasy for at least 7 or 8 months now, that's not healthy.

Also you call it a date but then you say you went out with him and his co-workers..... so i think you're making this into way more than it was.....

[boltnrun]

I said I was a lot I left out. We hung out in private after I had dinner with his friends.

 

Does "hung out in private" mean you had sex?

 

Your "the one" shouldn't be a married cheater! Don't you want better for yourself?

[Blue Dreamer]

Thank you for the detailed response. I understand your passion, but this gentleman's past actions are most likely to reflect his future actions. You must comprehend that there are many other sincere, honest & trustworthy SA amigos available at end of day. Your dreams make it sound like a story which could ultimately end up on the ID channel. Sorry.

[msmd17]

Thank you for the detailed response. I understand your passion, but this gentleman's past actions are most likely to reflect his future actions. You must comprehend that there are many other sincere, honest & trustworthy SA amigos available at end of day. Your dreams make it sound like a story which could ultimately end up on the ID channel. Sorry.

 

I realize there's a complete chance that he is just not interested in me. I just feel like my feelings are valid because I've had a long time to think them through. I haven't been sitting around obsessing about him the entire time, it's just something I keep coming back to and I'm really not looking for anyone else,

[greta96]

He is clearly not 'the one', and you really need to get this romanticized notion out of your head so you can allow yourself to think clearly and make informed decisions.

First of all, what you experienced was infatuation, and a hormonal riot. You two may have lots of chemistry, but love? Definitely not. You can't love someone you don't know, someone you can't even communicate with due to language barriers, someone you haven't spent any real amount of time with in order to see if you are compatible in any way.

And this is only the tip of the iceberg. Digging deeper, the guy has rejected you after the first date, hasn't done anything to pursue you, and has been ignoring you on social media. And, he's married with young kids. He is the furthest thing from "the one" I can think of, in fact he is totally the wrong guy to fall for!

 

Sometimes we feel undeniable chemistry with certain people, and feel like we've known them forever. It means nothing.

[Raggie]

Hello OP. I think we all can come across a bit strident on this topic (infidelity (him) because it is a cruel thing to do in a relationship), but remember people are trying to help based on your post asking us to do so. Note that 1) people on this forum advise on respect and integrity whilst dating - something this guy is not showing and 2) looking out for your well being.

You'll meet a few people who you have a connection with, this guy isn't the be all and end all; if he can cheat on his wife of 7-8 years, what's to say it would be different with you?

 

Also, you need to help yourself. Be mindful. Continually thinking about this will make you cling to the abstract idea of him more. Being mindful means that you catch yourself at these times and force your focus into something else (exercise, hobbies etc)

[Wiseman2]

Excellent you went no contact and blocked him. "The one" is never a married or taken person or a cheater or a player.

found out he was married and was completely shocked. I tried to write him again I found out he had blocked me. I've since blocked him again.

[Blue Dreamer]

Be mindful. Continually thinking about this will make you cling to the abstract idea of him more. Being mindful means that you catch yourself at these times and force your focus into something else (exercise, hobbies etc)

Agreed. True mindfulness can be learned through Vipassana meditation.