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Being the good guy sucks :(


idontcare

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I have always been the nice guy in everything with everyone. And it seems to be frustrating lately. Nobody want's to date a nice guy, i have a bad feeling that most of the girls our there are looking only for as...ls. I really need to change my self if i sometimes want to win any girl out there. I try to go out on dates and they keep telling me to go with a company, i try to be a bit more flirty and they say that i am the best guy they ever met and that they can see me only as friend!

 

What is wrong? I have helped a lot of my friends to organize a very nice and unique dates for their relationships, most of the times the girl actually cried from getting emotional about the surprise i helped her boyfriend organize.

 

Where am i doing it wrong? I mean, honest, romantic, funny with a good sense of humor, isn't that what all the girls are looking for?

 

The thing is that i am still in my mid twenties but life is moving on, time fly by and as soon as you realize you are a mid-age man, without any experience, with out any good moments and not actually ready to settle down...

 

Is there any tutorial on how to be an ass..le ??

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What does "nice" mean to you? Are you reasonably confident? Do you say yes when you mean no or feel like you have to be accommodating at the expense of your own needs/wants/convenience? What excites you about people - are you more drawn to women who are a challenge because they're with or interested in someone else's ? When you act in a kind way is it from a position of really wanting to or from a sense of obligation? The latter comes up of course but if that is the main motivation they could breed resentment after awhile.

That's cool that you planned dates for others - was that fun for you? Are you interested in neventvpalning in some way? I'm not sure why you're comparing it to your own social life - if it's fun to do then do it - if it makes you sad / then don't.

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if it's fun to do then do it - if it makes you sad / then don't.

Well i do like helping other people in planning! it is fun to do so! And feels good when they appreciate it. But since i am so good at organizing the perfect date, why no girl want's to come on one with me ? That's what i am curious about

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Well i do like helping other people in planning! it is fun to do so! And feels good when they appreciate it. But since i am so good at organizing the perfect date, why no girl want's to come on one with me ? That's what i am curious about

It is not about the " perfect date" it is about how well you mesh with the person . My husband and I had the worst possible first date. Yet we are together because of who he is as a person . His qualities as a person and how they mesh with mine . The only people that are going to be blindsided by dates are very shallow ones .

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Well i do like helping other people in planning! it is fun to do so! And feels good when they appreciate it. But since i am so good at organizing the perfect date, why no girl want's to come on one with me ? That's what i am curious about

 

What Seraphim wrote.

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What does "nice" mean to you?

 

I have the same question. What is it that makes you, and not other guys, "nice"? It might help if you give us an idea by listing your qualities that fit under "Nice", and list the qualities you are wondering about that fall under " as…ls". It would help get a perspective and we might be able to detect a thing or two that could help.

 

(By the way, I tend to be suspicious with absolute terms like "always" and "every", and "never" and "nobody", etc. As in " I have always been the nice guy in everything with everyone...Nobody want's to date a nice guy ." It might not be completely true, and one's perception might be skewed by thinking it is.)

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The women who seek out jerks are the ones who subconsciously think that is who they deserve. You probably need to expand your dating pool and join activities you haven't tried yet, like meetups.com, or a co-ed sports team, or taking dance lessons, and/or community cleanups and other volunteer work.

 

There actually should be very little money spent on a first date, as it gets expensive when you have to usually date a boatload of people before finding the one. Sitting at a cafe with a cup of coffee is the perfect way to have a nice conversation and find out about one another. Have the goal that for that moment, you are going to enjoy someone else's company. Don't project to the future, about if she's "the one." Don't go overboard with huge plans for a first date, with flowers and gifts. Those are things you give a woman when you've seen that she keeps accepting dates with you because she is interested in going further with you.

 

Always have a life outside of the woman you're dating, and don't make her the sole center of your universe. Ask your friends to be frank with you, to let you know if there is something blatantly off-putting with your behavior that would alarm a potential date.

 

Other than that, don't try to become someone you are not. It's a false shell that will eventually crumble, and a shallow life to pretend to be someone you are not. Expand your activities and you will probably meet someone who shares your dating goals and who you are compatible with. Take care and let us know how it goes.

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What is it that makes you, and not other guys, "nice"?

To tell you the truth i don't really know! This is the only thing i hear "You are a nice guy, you are the best friend, i can only see you as a friend". I don't consider my self as a nice guy, but apparently they do.

 

Well usually what i do that might be the reason i am a nice guy:

*Always be there to support them emotionally

*Hearing about how some random guy just had sex with them but then just don't give to much attention to them. So i am there sitting and making them feel better. Telling them that they deserve better

*If they have a problem i am ready to help, without needing anything in exchange

 

Well about the ass ones i also don't know i can only guess:

*Showing that you don't really care

*That your self is beyond everything

*Never bring flowers

 

i really don't know

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It's very a very fine line that not many people can walk. I think it matters what you really are looking for. You could go full charlie. Cut symbols in your forehead and get really hot woman. That however is what they call on here to fast 2 soon. It will end badly. History repeats itself. Good luck

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As a "Good guy" myself, and in my early 30s now I'll share my thoughts on this.

 

Firstly being a good guy should not be how specific people (potential dates) view you, it about how you live your life, your own personal code of ethics. If you are a good guy then be a beacon of virtue, not to attract a mate; but to help those around you and not get lost in the morass of the modern world.

 

Secondly a lot of "nice guys" are fighting a modern stigma, that they are only nice to get in a woman's pants and will become manipulative by being sickly sweet. At times it's not an unwarranted belief.

 

Another thing Mustlovdogs mentioned, is that there is a try too hard aspect once a good guy lands a date. I have a whole rant on some of the factors in this, but when it comes down to it often it's because the road is so long to get to that date that it's a 0-60 on the attention speedometer. Slow down, balance things, and don't try too hard!!!

 

 

I should also note I distinguish between nice guys and good guys. Nice guys are often come across like they are doing things for a reason (not just dating) and have a degree of falseness in their actions, almost as to signal they are not who the actions depict. I have seen too many times a nice guy become the most vicious SOB when the manipulation back fired, in one of my hobbies it was a full one 180 from nice to stabbing people in the back.

 

Good guys are just that way by nature, they do the right thing not to get a reward, but because it's the right thing to do. If they don't get their way it's no big deal, they may not like the outcome; but they don't get bitter and react harshly.

 

My Buck seventy five.

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You just haven't found one that appreciates your qualities. If your being true to yourself, your doing fine. No tutorial needed.

 

And stop thinking about what women want. Have the mindset that what you have to offer is valuable, and girls can take it or leave it.

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"*Always be there to support them emotionally

*Hearing about how some random guy just had sex with them but then just don't give to much attention to them. So i am there sitting and making them feel better. Telling them that they deserve better

*If they have a problem i am ready to help, without needing anything in exchange"

 

It's not your job to comfort them in those situations, it's what friends do, not love interests.

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Well usually what i do that might be the reason i am a nice guy:

*Always be there to support them emotionally

*Hearing about how some random guy just had sex with them but then just don't give to much attention to them. So i am there sitting and making them feel better. Telling them that they deserve better

*If they have a problem i am ready to help, without needing anything in exchange

 

How do you feel after doing these things? Are you happy?

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How do you feel after doing these things? Are you happy?

 

To tell you the truth no! And that's the reason i stop doing it. I no longer! It makes me feel uncomfortable cause they always tent to date horrible guys and waiting from me to conform them, when i clearly know that i would treat them in a better way than they are being treated currently, or at least i would do my best to make them happy, and yet they tend to put me in a friend zone and keep dating jerks, and that is really frustrating and disappointing

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Part of the issue is that you seem to just want ANY woman. People should have a sense of what kind of person they are looking for. Chemistry/attraction matters (e.g. looks matter.) Some other poster in another thread said that he won't date girls who are asian, black, Muslim. So, it wouldn't matter how nice that woman is, if she is in one of those categories, it's a no go.

 

You should also have a sense of the values and personality traits you are looking for. What are you compatible with?

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"Well usually what i do that might be the reason i am a nice guy:

*Always be there to support them emotionally

*Hearing about how some random guy just had sex with them but then just don't give to much attention to them. So i am there sitting and making them feel better. Telling them that they deserve better

*If they have a problem i am ready to help, without needing anything in exchange"

 

Reading this, I see the problem. You are missing cues here. Normally a guy looks for clues that a woman would accept a date if he asked. The woman will usually smile a lot, maybe give you a compliment, maybe find a reason to touch your arm or leg when making a joke or for emphasis of what she is saying. Maybe asking you what kind of movies you like, or what you like to do in your spare time.

 

The things you say women are talking to you about, especially about other men in their lives, and about problems in their lives, are not subjects a woman who is interested in you will speak to you about. (Of course, when you're involved with a partner, they will speak of problems, but this isn't something a potential, new love interest will want to scare you away with.)

 

All the emotional time and energy spent on female friends is taking up precious time that you could be spending on the goal of having a gf. If you don't see signs she wants to date you, move on.

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First off, what do you mean "nice guy." Give me some examples of why you think you're a nice guy, what are the actions you do that make you think you are that and how do you then treat people when you don't get your way or don't feel your niceness pays off.

 

I assume you're worried your social strategies for getting attention or dates or whatever aren't paying off, but without any further information I have no way of being able to give you anything you could really use. My view on niceness is the same as this: “Niceness is a decision, a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait.” ― Gavin de Becker, The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence

 

So what have your strategies been and who have they been with? Answer me that and I'll be better able to answer this question.

 

P.S. Being someone's b**ching board isn't a "nice" thing to do. It's a media trope/cliché that the film industry has beaten to death with it's message of "the hapless best friend good guy/gal always gets the uber-hot 10 in the end 'cause gosh no one is ever nice and it's such a rare quality to have," and we're all sick of it, okay? Nothing original there. Sitting there listening to other people gripe about their love lives doesn't make them want to date you, much less have a relationship with you and it never will. It just means you get to be the unpaid therapist for people who should be solving their own problems. The moment anyone talks to you about the other people they are interested in/having trouble with and you aren't being paid to listen you have just rendered yourself nothing more than that guy/gal it's okay to slag other people to. That's not a good thing.

 

If that happens get up and leave, tell them thanks but they need to talk to a therapist about that, not you. And go. You don't do that unless you let your guy friends do it too and you don't see the girl as anything more than a sisterly friend to give advice to. Then yeah, sure that's fine. But even so I limit the gripe sessions with all my friends, because the kind of "friend" who wants to complain all the time isn't a very good friend to begin with in my experience.

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