Unrequited love - cope with / difference?

[bbogdanov]

Hi! I was wondering - is there any difference between unrequited love when it is about an ex and when it is about a person whom you didn't have relationship with? I know unrequited love is hard whatever the case is, but I find it especially tough when an ex is involved. I'd been in love with a person who didn't reciprocate my feelings (classic "scenario") and I was struggling for a long time then, but now it is the first time I get into such situation with an ex. I've had a couple of relationships before and both ended with some frustration, bitterness, angriness etc. (not to mention cheating in one of them) so while I was sad for both of them I managed to heal relatively quickly and not be stuck in hell like now. It's been 4 months now since the breakup and while I feel better and have more and more "good" days I still struggle to "understand" or accept this unrequited love. Like something was given to me for a period of time and then the person took it back (her love). It sounds selfish and egoistic but I want to be loved and I want to give my love.

[greta96]

I agree with you, unrequited love is painful all around but it is worse when it involves an ex. To me that's because the rejection is much more personal. With a stranger at least you can justify it by telling yourself that they didn't know you, so they didn't know what they were missing out on. With an ex you don't have this luxury; they know you, they saw you at your best and worst, they thought you were great for a while, then they still decided to move on, so of course it feels like a personal rejection on so many deeper levels.

Now what to do about it...nothing really. It will hurt regardless, so the only thing that dulls the pain is time and the process of moving on. I think in some ways the feeling will always stay with you, but it becomes less important in the grand scheme of things as the years go by.

[Waraqqa]

Yep, I've been in the same boat, and I agree with great96. Exactly, if it is with an ex, then they've already tried to be with me and didn't like it - as opposed to someone new who may simply not know what they are "missing". So, it is harder and feels like a really personal rejection. "I tried it and I don't like it" kind of thing.

[bbogdanov]

Thanks to both of you! So I am not the only one that feels/have felt like that. It really is a very tough rejection

 

EDIT: Honestly, I sometimes think it would be better things ended for some other reason, including cheating or something terrible like that. I may be lying to myself and I don't know what would be if something like that happened. But the moment she meets up with me and tells me calmly and without any emotion "I don't love you anymore" is something I will remember for long time (if I could ever forget it) - the whole world fell apart then...

[Waraqqa]

Thanks to both of you! So I am not the only one that feels/have felt like that. It really is a very tough rejection

 

EDIT: Honestly, I sometimes think it would be better things ended for some other reason, including cheating or something terrible like that. I may be lying to myself and I don't know what would be if something like that happened. But the moment she meets up with me and tells me calmly and without any emotion "I don't love you anymore" is something I will remember for long time (if I could ever forget it) - the whole world fell apart then...

 

I can relate to what you feel.

 

I also had times when I wished it would've ended for some other reason - something that did not touch my self-esteem. Likewise, I don't know how it would feel. Actually, cheating could have a similar impact - if the other person prefers someone else than you, it would still make you feel extremely worthless.

 

I also wished that he showed some emotion - intense sadness, maybe even anger, something other than the friendly calm, and calmly saying "I don't feel it anymore". It is hardest when the memory of those words contrasts with the memories of previous times when he looked at me with so much love and said the opposite things.

 

Well, you are definitely not the only one in this boat!

[KMO7970]

It's been 4 months now since the breakup and while I feel better and have more and more "good" days I still struggle to "understand" or accept this unrequited love. Like something was given to me for a period of time and then the person took it back (her love). It sounds selfish and egoistic but I want to be loved and I want to give my love.

 

Absolutely. I understand this feeling, too, and am going through it right now. I also agree that sometimes it can seem easier to say, "Good riddance" when a "bad" event causes the breakup. Sometimes that doesn't help either, though.

 

You know what else I have been thinking about...so many of us, myself included, have posted here on eNA about trying to heal from a breakup, trying to maintain NC for the sake of our healing, and having trouble with this. While I feel compassion for every single person feeling this way, sometimes I think, "Come on, whoever this person is you're pining over can't be THAT great!" If only we could train ourselves to think that about our own exes...we would all be golden

[bbogdanov]

As we mentioned cheating - I guess it communicates basically the same thing to the "hurt" one. "You are not so worthy, I don't like/love you, I am missing something from you, I prefer someone else" etc. I would still feel worthless and with low self-esteem in that case but at least there would be some hate/anger I guess. And that could make me think my love toward her is not worth it or something similar - I would not like to hurt myself more and more and would have to move on somehow. But in my situation she is high on her pedestal - the good, kind, loving girl just fell out of love. I cannot hate her for that nor can I be angry about it. I just can be sad, go back in time to think things over and over (what my mistakes were), try to reason her (stupid thing, of course), try to get her love back somehow (impossible, of course) etc.

[bbogdanov]

Absolutely. I understand this feeling, too, and am going through it right now. I also agree that sometimes it can seem easier to say, "Good riddance" when a "bad" event causes the breakup. Sometimes that doesn't help either, though.

 

You know what else I have been thinking about...so many of us, myself included, have posted here on eNA about trying to heal from a breakup, trying to maintain NC for the sake of our healing, and having trouble with this. While I feel compassion for every single person feeling this way, sometimes I think, "Come on, whoever this person is you're pining over can't be THAT great!" If only we could train ourselves to think that about our own exes...we would all be golden

 

Of course she can't be that great and there are better possible partners for us out there. But that's just logic I guess and it doesn't help me much. My emotions, feelings tell me I want to be with her. The fact she preferred NOTHING to me (she is single and enjoying it) makes me feel even worse.

[Clio]

I think cheating would be worse. I wouldn't prefer cheating as it can make one lose trust in people and that can be bad for one's character and being able to trust their future partners.

 

You can still take her off the pedestal. She was not loyal to you -not enough to stay. She did not appreciate you. She chose to leave. Nobody really special will do that to you. The mere fact that she left proves that you lost nobody really special. When it comes to real love, the really special people in our lives choose to stay around.

 

P.S. You need to give yourself time to heal and avoid learning what she does from now on. Do not take all the thoughts that cross your mind seriously. You ARE good enough. Even Brad Pitt got dumped.

[Waraqqa]

But in my situation she is high on her pedestal - the good, kind, loving girl just fell out of love. I cannot hate her for that nor can I be angry about it. I just can be sad, go back in time to think things over and over (what my mistakes were), try to reason her (stupid thing, of course), try to get her love back somehow (impossible, of course) etc.

 

Exactly! that is my boat, too. I tried so often to think of something "bad" about him, something that would make me feel "he is not worth it". Sometimes I even behaved like that, as if wishfully trying to pin smth on him. But looking as objectively as I can, there isn't any wrong I can find in him. In addition to my feelings, he still checks every box on what I'm looking for in a partner. I understand, he shouldn't be on a pedestal - he is a regular human being. But a really nice and awesome one. So yeah, it makes it harder.

 

I can't say "he is/was not worth it" without lying to myself. I can only say "it was not meant to be". There are reasons why the Universe drags certain people away from us - it is just not for us, something else is for us, and we are not for them. If someone falls out of love, that is a sign. And I need to listen to it instead of swimming against the current in my mind.

 

I suppose what can help keeping that in mind and continue detaching and let the time do its healing. And hope that I will at some point meet someone else whom I like to the point of wanting them as a partner.

[bbogdanov]

I think cheating would be worse. I wouldn't prefer cheating as it can make one lose trust in people and that can be bad for one's character and being able to trust their future partners.

 

You can still take her off the pedestal. She was not loyal to you -not enough to stay. She did not appreciate you. She chose to leave. Nobody really special will do that to you. The mere fact that she left proves that you lost nobody really special. When it comes to real love, the really special people in our lives choose to stay around.

 

P.S. You need to give yourself time to heal and avoid learning what she does from now on. Do not take all the thoughts that cross your mind seriously. You ARE good enough. Even Brad Pitt got dumped.

 

I really cannot say anything bad about her if I have to be honest. She left me, like you said, but it was my fault as I took her for granted, did not show her enough love and appreciation, did not like her job because of it "stealing" my time with her etc. She tried to be with me but just got exhausted and frustrated to the point she had to rescue herself, I guess, from all that crap coming from me. She had enough of it and fell out of love, I can't blame her. I am just struggling with the consequences now...

[Whocares479]

Bruh!!!!! Lol excuse my language but trust me I know the feeling. My ex, the one who I recently blocked does not give two effs about me. He cares some, but not enough to realize what a piece of crap he is. I would send him long paragraphs of me being hurt at him standing me up and all he would say is "ok". Like what a loser. I always say this, we always hold onto to people who are desperately trying to get out our reach. I know it's hard if they seem perfect, but you don't need to find anything wrong with them. Not everyone we love will reciprocate the same feelings, and that doesn't mean they're a bad person (Unless they string you along), it just mean they're are not the one for you. Good luck!

[bbogdanov]

Exactly! that is my boat, too. I tried so often to think of something "bad" about him, something that would make me feel "he is not worth it". Sometimes I even behaved like that, as if wishfully trying to pin smth on him. But looking as objectively as I can, there isn't any wrong I can find in him. In addition to my feelings, he still checks every box on what I'm looking for in a partner. I understand, he shouldn't be on a pedestal - he is a regular human being. But a really nice and awesome one. So yeah, it makes it harder.

 

I can't say "he is/was not worth it" without lying to myself. I can only say "it was not meant to be". There are reasons why the Universe drags certain people away from us - it is just not for us, something else is for us, and we are not for them. If someone falls out of love, that is a sign. And I need to listen to it instead of swimming against the current in my mind.

 

I suppose what can help keeping that in mind and continue detaching and let the time do its healing. And hope that I will at some point meet someone else whom I like to the point of wanting them as a partner.

 

Yeah, I have thought about that thing with the "not worth it" too, but honestly - I cannot say anything bad about her as she was a great girlfriend. As for the detaching part - I really wish I could do it as she had detached long ago before the breakup (as usually happens). I bought the "Uncoupling" book and intend to read it as it gives some interesting details about the whole process.

[bbogdanov]

Bruh!!!!! Lol excuse my language but trust me I know the feeling. My ex, the one who I recently blocked does not give two effs about me. He cares some, but not enough to realize what a piece of crap he is. I would send him long paragraphs of me being hurt at him standing me up and all he would say is "ok". Like what a loser. I always say this, we always hold onto to people who are desperately trying to get out our reach. I know it's hard if they seem perfect, but you don't need to find anything wrong with them. Not everyone we love will reciprocate the same feelings, and that doesn't mean they're a bad person (Unless they string you along), it just mean they're are not the one for you. Good luck!

 

Of course not everyone we love will reciprocate our feelings but as I said in my first post in the topic - it is especially hard for me coping with this unrequited love once I've been loved wholeheartedly by the very same person

[Clio]

Ok. Obviously these are mistakes you need to learn from and not repeat them in your next relationship. Still, it sounds like she failed to communicate her grievances effectively. She does hold some responsibility over the break up. Not all relationships are meant to work out. It sounds like the point of this relationship was to teach you what you need to change. If you take the lessons onboard then you will come out of this a better person and that's what really matters. Most people make mistakes at first. You are no better, no worse. Good luck with your healing!

[Waraqqa]

I really cannot say anything bad about her if I have to be honest. She left me, like you said, but it was my fault as I took her for granted, did not show her enough love and appreciation, did not like her job because of it "stealing" my time with her etc. She tried to be with me but just got exhausted and frustrated to the point she had to rescue herself, I guess, from all that crap coming from me. She had enough of it and fell out of love, I can't blame her. I am just struggling with the consequences now...

 

It was similar with me - I took him for granted and complained about a lot of stuff. There were situational factors also, but my behaviour over a period of time cooled him down a lot. Later I saw how wrong I was, but I guess these things leave scars on people and change their minds sometimes. Well, all I could do was apologise, change myself (even if not for him but at least for myself) and make a note for myself for future, as Clio said.

 

Sometimes people come into our lives so we can learn something. I don't think I would've worked on my negative tendencies if it weren't for this experience.

At any rate, what is not ours will anyway go away. And what is ours, will come back to us. So, let's trust the Flow.

[Whocares479]

It was similar with me - I took him for granted and complained about a lot of stuff. There were situational factors also, but my behaviour over a period of time cooled him down a lot. Later I saw how wrong I was, but I guess these things leave scars on people and change their minds sometimes. Well, all I could do was apologise, change myself (even if not for him but at least for myself) and make a note for myself for future, as Clio said.

 

Sometimes people come into our lives so we can learn something. I don't think I would've worked on my negative tendencies if it weren't for this experience.

At any rate, what is not ours will anyway go away. And what is ours, will come back to us. So, let's trust the Flow.

 

Very well said!

[KMO7970]

Of course she can't be that great and there are better possible partners for us out there. But that's just logic I guess and it doesn't help me much. My emotions, feelings tell me I want to be with her. The fact she preferred NOTHING to me (she is single and enjoying it) makes me feel even worse.

 

Yes, I get it. Believe me, we all do. But honestly, people who are our "perfect partners" don't choose to leave.

[bbogdanov]

I will definitely learn from my mistakes and will try to not repeat them in the next relationship (hope there's one ). The one thing I am glad about the breakup is that it taught me a lot of things. Not the breakup itself but me "opening" my eyes and realizing a lot of things through wisdom shared in this forum, some books, websites etc. (I am currently reading Al Turtle's website and like it!). If it weren't for this experience, I would not learn so many new things (at least in theory) as our relationship got boring and was not developing further, we were kind of stuck.

[Wiseman2]

Then of course move forward not backward to find that again.

I want to be loved and I want to give my love.

[bbogdanov]

Yeah, but for some reason I want THAT particular person to love me as I love HER at the moment Of course that's not something you could "want" but... We are talking about unrequited love here and that's the sad thing.

[boltnrun]

Yeah, but for some reason I want THAT particular person to love me as I love HER at the moment Of course that's not something you could "want" but... We are talking about unrequited love here and that's the sad thing.

 

She did love you, until you started (and continued to) treat her poorly, giving her a hard time about not spending enough time with you while she was starting her dream business (not her "job") and when you criticized her makeup and dress style.

 

Again, lesson learned for the next woman (hopefully).

[Salty]

I think Frank Ocean said it best in Bad religion

 

"If it brings me to my knees

It's a bad religion

This unrequited love

To me it's nothing but a one-man cult

And cyanide in my Styrofoam cup

I can never make him love me

Never make him love me

Love me"

[Waraqqa]

Yeah, but for some reason I want THAT particular person to love me as I love HER at the moment Of course that's not something you could "want" but... We are talking about unrequited love here and that's the sad thing.

 

Are you still in contact with her?

[bbogdanov]

She did love you, until you started (and continued to) treat her poorly, giving her a hard time about not spending enough time with you while she was starting her dream business (not her "job") and when you criticized her makeup and dress style.

 

Again, lesson learned for the next woman (hopefully).

 

I admitted that. I'm just saying how I feel at the moment.