Unrequited love - cope with / difference?

[bbogdanov]

Are you still in contact with her?

 

I text her sometimes, I can't be in NC for more than a week or two.

[willinm]

As we mentioned cheating - I guess it communicates basically the same thing to the "hurt" one. "You are not so worthy, I don't like/love you, I am missing something from you, I prefer someone else" etc. I would still feel worthless and with low self-esteem in that case but at least there would be some hate/anger I guess. And that could make me think my love toward her is not worth it or something similar - I would not like to hurt myself more and more and would have to move on somehow. But in my situation she is high on her pedestal - the good, kind, loving girl just fell out of love. I cannot hate her for that nor can I be angry about it. I just can be sad, go back in time to think things over and over (what my mistakes were), try to reason her (stupid thing, of course), try to get her love back somehow (impossible, of course) etc.

 

I can relate to every single word of this!!!! I kinda wish it was a messier to break up so I had a reason to hate her . . . but it wasn't. She did have trouble telling me though, she was in tears, I was in tears . . . simply awful. So now 8 days on and Im battling to against the intense sadness and heartbreak. I can't find a reason to hate her . . . she just fell out of love, it wasn't any particular ugly action that either of us did. And yes the 'hope' lingers on that maybe she will 'fall back into love'. But I don't know if this happens, well rarely anyway. We had done NC for the first 7 days, then I sent her a blank text message exactly 7 days at the exact time of our break up. I knew she would know the significance of the time. She text me the next morning asking "are you ok?". As pathetic as it sounds, just seeing her name pop up on my phone gave me a burst of energy to get me through the morning. (pathetic I know) I have not responded and know it means nothing from her end. But the damn heart holds onto the 'hope' while the head says you have to move on as its not point wanting someone that doesn't want you.

 

Easier said than done!!!

[bbogdanov]

I read you recent post and it appears our situations are similar. Well, you haven't done any particular ugly action that made her fall out of love while I did some, but the result is the same. The nightmare of "I don't love you anymore" which basically shatters your world. I've been in this situation for 4 months now and still feel quite sad. I still go through the different stages after a breakup so healing is not linear at all. It gets better but honestly - I don't know if I could get over her some day... I still text her once a week or so and I still expect her answer like you do. I don't think it's pathetic. It's not a good thing as it slows healing, gives you some "false" hope etc. but I know what you're talking about. I feel the same and "need" some form of communication with her. The battle between heart and mind seems very tough.

[Waraqqa]

Be careful with the contact. I knew I should've cut it long time ago, but lingered around in hope. The initial/earlier love memories of him were so strong, and my brain just couldn't process the "I don't feel like that" from him, it was like a cognitive dissonance.

 

Initially, I also got the burst of energy at any message from him, that would make me feel like everything is somehow ok, get me through the day more comfortably. But false hope is so easy to fall into. B/c your mind tries to see what it wants to see, not how things really are. And that keeps one stuck. Then I started realising there is nothing to be waiting for.

Once you see clearly that she doesn't want it anymore, then you might understand there is nothing to stick around for. It will start fading.

 

you are both right, it is not a linear process.

[bbogdanov]

I know she doesn't want me anymore, I know it since the breakup. But that doesn't help me much and I can't stop breaking NC. Still struggling with it...

[willinm]

I know she doesn't want me anymore, I know it since the breakup. But that doesn't help me much and I can't stop breaking NC. Still struggling with it...

 

I hear you! Its so damn tough when you can't find anything in your head or heart to hate her about. You just continue on like something is going to miraculously snap in her heart to want you back. But we both know that won't happen. Just makes it so difficult to move on, the thought of this without her is too daunting to swallow at the moment. They say you always want something more when you can't have it . . . never has this been so true. You take for granted all the moments you had and wish you had told her more how much she meant to you.

 

So hard . . . and its only day 9 for me!

[jstudio]

Hi! I was wondering - is there any difference between unrequited love when it is about an ex and when it is about a person whom you didn't have relationship with? I know unrequited love is hard whatever the case is, but I find it especially tough when an ex is involved. I'd been in love with a person who didn't reciprocate my feelings (classic "scenario") and I was struggling for a long time then, but now it is the first time I get into such situation with an ex. I've had a couple of relationships before and both ended with some frustration, bitterness, angriness etc. (not to mention cheating in one of them) so while I was sad for both of them I managed to heal relatively quickly and not be stuck in hell like now. It's been 4 months now since the breakup and while I feel better and have more and more "good" days I still struggle to "understand" or accept this unrequited love. Like something was given to me for a period of time and then the person took it back (her love). It sounds selfish and egoistic but I want to be loved and I want to give my love.

 

Yes! It is so much worse when it's your ex. That's why we hold on to the idea of what we used to have at the beginning, and it's hard for us to really accept... that this person could just "fall out of love" with us. You will no doubt find someone else who will appreciate your love... I have hope for that for myself as well.

[bbogdanov]

You're right, but I hold (was holding?) to the idea what I used to have not only at the beginning but till the end. I mean - although we fighted frequently, she was declaring/showing her love for me till the last days of our relationship. She spent a night at my place and literally the next evening texted me with a "you have to come to my work to discuss some things" I HOPE I find someone else, although at the moment I just want her...

[willinm]

You're right, but I hold (was holding?) to the idea what I used to have not only at the beginning but till the end. I mean - although we fighted frequently, she was declaring/showing her love for me till the last days of our relationship. She spent a night at my place and literally the next evening texted me with a "you have to come to my work to discuss some things" I HOPE I find someone else, although at the moment I just want her...

 

Here I am day 11 since 'that' night and NC since that moment. This has been the longest 11 days of my life as I battle on fighting every urge in my body to not call or text her. I check my phone what feels like 300 times a day just hoping to see her name pop up on the screen as it used to plenty of times every day. I have racked my heart & brain for reasons to stop loving her and let go . . . as this is what everybody tells me I must do as she has 'stopped feeling it'. BUT I just can't find anything to hate her about, in fact its the opposite, I just find more traits that I now fully recognize and appreciate.

How do you move on from someone, when they occupy every thought from the moment you wake up and all day. I try to keep my pre-occupied with stuff, my she still invades my thoughts no matter what I'm doing. When will this pining & missing phase be over, its really burning my insides up. I know calling her, will do me no good, and send me back to day 1. I just want her to know though, I am thinking of her and I don't hate her for the decision she had to make, I appreciate her honesty, as I know it wouldn't have been easy on her either.

[bbogdanov]

Don't lose hope, it will get better. I recall feeling exactly as you desribe in the first weeks after the breakup. "Stop loving her" seems impossible so soon after ending things, this is not something you can accomplish with a flip of a switch. Although I was even told to - she said "stop loving me", "find another woman to love" etc.

[jstudio]

I too understand and am still going through this, trust me. Hope I didn't come across the wrong way. I actually thought I had gotten past that stage until I broke NC. It's rough.

[willinm]

I too understand and am still going through this, trust me. Hope I didn't come across the wrong way. I actually thought I had gotten past that stage until I broke NC. It's rough.

 

How did you break NC? How was it recieved? Did she contact you back or anything?

Love to hear the details. Its so damn hard to just stop loving someone and not contacting them after thats all you know after 3 years.

I just don't want her to think I'm angry at her and are hating her.

[bbogdanov]

Yeah, talk about not contacting her I've broken NC for a million times in the past 4 months, I can't even say I've been in NC really. She won't think you are angry at her or something like that. She doesn't even care, at least in my case... You have to stop thinking how she feels, you are not responsible for that especially given the fact she broke up with you. You owe her NOTHING! That includes you bothering about her feelings...

[jstudio]

How did you break NC? How was it recieved? Did she contact you back or anything?

Love to hear the details. Its so damn hard to just stop loving someone and not contacting them after thats all you know after 3 years.

I just don't want her to think I'm angry at her and are hating her.

 

It was through an apology letter after 30 days NC. No response. It was very painful and still is. It brought out so much of what I realized I still need to work on. So, as much as it hurts your heart, and you want them and only them... it's absolutely important that you maintain NC. If and when they want to talk (which most don't, especially when they have completely moved on), I would hope that I would be in a place where I wouldn't care. Unfortunately, I learned the hard way. You want them, and only them. You don't have a long term relationship without some residual feelings. As I've learned from others here, try and be kind to yourself and patient.

[bbogdanov]

What a rollercoaster of emotions One moment I am sad and depressed, wanting my ex back, revisiting old memories (getting even more sad), thinking about all things that went wrong etc. etc. Several hours later I get angry, hate her for leaving me, feel pain from being betrayed, don't want to have anything in common with her, feel like I don't know her at all...