My boyfriend is sexually compulsive + confessed to have physically cheated

[ManyDates]

People have needs, that's all I'll say about it

[Capricorn3]

People have needs, that's all I'll say about it

Nothing wrong with that. Just don't be in a relationship with a partner who is waiting until marriage before they have sex. Stay single and free to do as you wish.

 

OP, at the very least, you two are incompatible, big time. Time to move on (imo).

[Cameron T]

I think it's good for the OP too see both sides of opinions. My opinion is that he is a red-blooded male who would love to be in a sexual relationship. I pointed it out earlier that he probably wasn't the guy for her.

 

If everybody keeps saying he's in "the wrong" then she will never be open to other's opinions and she will never grow. If she always learns "her way is right, no matter what" she will never learn any better. So I keep my opinion on the table for her to consider.

 

I understand what you meant. Thanks.

[Cameron T]

 

OP: You have found yourself addicted to the wrong man. Get yourself away from him with zero contact forever and find a man that is not a sexual addict. There are a lot of them out there that you will indeed find the emotional connection to that you had with your sex addict.

 

That will be kind of difficult to do considering we have a lot in common and a lot of mutual friends, but I guess I need to at least try.

[Capricorn3]

That will be kind of difficult to do considering we have a lot in common and a lot of mutual friends, but I guess I need to at least try.

 

So you rather stay in a relationship with a guy who has cheated on you 8-10 times in the space of one year and who you can never trust, ever? Cheating on you once is bad, twice is a deal breaker, but 8-10 times? You think this is acceptable? Are you that desperate for a man/relationship?

 

Show him you have some self-respect and dump his sorry a$$. The sooner the better.

[ThatwasThen]

That will be kind of difficult to do considering we have a lot in common and a lot of mutual friends, but I guess I need to at least try.

 

Something tells me that he won't be hanging around your "mutual friends" if you break up with him for cheating on you with paid escorts. I'm almost sure he will tuck in his "tail" and vamoose from the scene. If he doesn't, then it certainly would be in your best interests to be the one to vamoose from the scene and heal through ZERO contact. You can do better then him. Know it and act accordingly is my advice.

[ParisPaulette]

Wow, he makes it sound like he's dying of cancer. Yes, 8 to 10 times is a pattern, no it won't get better, because he is unable to control himself. That's not an "illness" it's a character flaw. It's the point of "addiction" which is a word I really hate when people co-opt it for "I'm refusing to simply say no to myself" then at the very least he'd need a year of therapy, massive lifestyle changes, and time alone not in any relationship to sort himself out and no longer be "a sex addict," which again is a term that I have come to really hate.

 

It's zero excuse for his behavior. None, zip, nada. This is like the guy who is an alcoholic who kills someone while driving then says they couldn't help it and should be forgiven and given their license back, because "they can't help themselves." Society disagrees with that. This should be the same.

 

The reason he's telling you this is so the next time he "slips up" of "falls off the wagon" and cheats on you he can then state with conscience clean on his part, "I warned you about this, don't blame me, it's my illness. Boohoohoo."

 

Either be on board with being part of the harem, make sure he never touches you without wearing a rubber and make him get monthly STD testing which he has to bring home to prove to you he's clean, be looking over your shoulder at all times for when he sleeps with the emotionally or mentally unstable ones, and accept you will probably get an STD here or there, possibly a fatal one OR tell him you're out. He needs therapy, you didn't sign up for infidelity no matter the "cause" and you dump him.

 

And just don't have to worry about anything anymore, but healing from the breakup which trust me is a whole lot better than now dealing with HIV or the hit to your self-respect and self-esteem every time he cheats on you and pulls the whole "Oh poor widdle me, I have issues" crap on you.

 

This is what your'e signing up for if you stay with him, because I don't see someone fixing their issues. I see someone using it as an excuse for why he cheats. Being ashamed or wanting not to do it, isn't fixing the problem. And that's not a small problem. It's one where he needs to not be in a relationship at all for a good long solid while to address why he even thinks cheating is acceptable in any circumstances and why he can't even monitor himself. That years of therapy we're talking, and it still might not help. Most addicts IF that's what this is and I remain very skeptical of that, don't get serious about change until they've hit rock bottom, lost everything. He's not even close to that if you're giving him a pass and feeling sympathy for him instead of just saying, "I don't care what your issues are, I didn't sign up for this."

 

That's what I did when someone I had an LDR confessed to me right after we moved in together that he was an alcoholic and drug addict, something he'd hidden from me. My response was, "Get help, look me up after you've been clean for a year and maybe if I'm single we can talk." That was 20 some odd years ago. I got over him, moved on, didn't have to deal with an addict for a partner. He's never contacted me, my guess is he never got clean. Or maybe he did and married someone else, if so good for him. But I wasn't signing up for that crap.

 

Neither should you.