My boyfriend is sexually compulsive + confessed to have physically cheated

[Cameron T]

Just a few days ago my boyfriend of a year plus confessed to me that he has sorted out escort services. He has broken up with me before with the excuse of "needing some time to figure himself out", but now I know that the real reason was because he couldn't find the words to confess to me about what he did. We eventually got back together a couple of months later with me still not knowing the real reason. In other words, he paid for sex, and he has done that multiple times (about 8-10 times altogether, before and after we got back together, he confessed) while he was still with me.

 

I'm one of those girls who believe in saving myself for marriage, and he knew and respected that, so maybe that has urged him even more to do what he did. He said he lacks self control and has a high chance of being addicted to porn and masturbation, which eventually has lead him to get more curious and did what he did.

 

He confessed this to me after figuring out that I meant a lot to him and he wanted a future with me. He said that if he were to propose one day, and if I were to say yes, I would be saying yes to all of him, including his mistakes. He said that I was the reason he wanted this to stop. The way he put it, he made it sound like this was some kind of a disease that he had lack of control over. I told him to get help and fix himself. He made it very clear that he was very ashamed of what he did, every time he did it, and that he loves me very much and has never cheated on me emotionally. I told him I needed time and that leads us to where we are now, with me not replying his messages (I have honestly said everything I needed to say anyway) and me deactivating my social media platforms because I know he likes to stalk my profile once in a while. I felt the need to make this space and distance REAL while I sort out my thoughts.

 

It would've been so much easier to forgive him if it was a one-time slip up. But 8-10 times isn't a slip up. It's a pattern, and I'm afraid he's going to do it again if he doesn't get better. And what makes it worse is that he has done it (out of relapse, he said) again after we got back together. Forgiving him for what he did is another thing. Forgetting though, is impossible. What scares me the most is that I don't know how to build or restore a relationship with him if all trust that I had in him is now gone. Sure, he loves me, and I love him. But is that ever enough? Would I be compromising my self value if I accept him back? A part of me feels like I can't do this anymore and I should just end it for good, but another part of me feels like I wouldn't be able to find someone I can connect with and love deeply like I do with him.

 

Do you think what he did was totally unacceptable and would it be unwise for me to even consider getting back into a relationship with him?

[Wiseman2]

It's not your fault he has a sex addiction. This will not change if you get married. He wants the thrill and variety, something not available in a committed relationship.

 

If all he wanted was sex he would be in another relationship and not with someone who wants to remain a virgin. He doesn't respect anything, including you as a person.

 

If there has been any oral contact or you are a "technical" virgin get tested for stds.

I'm one of those girls who believe in saving myself for marriage, and he knew and respected that, so maybe that has urged him even more to do what he did.

[HeartGoesOn]

It's a pattern, and I'm afraid he's going to do it again if he doesn't get better. And what makes it worse is that he has done it (out of relapse, he said) again after we got back together.

 

He doesn't need to get better, he needs to grow up. Also, he'll continue to have many more "relapses" as long as you keep falling for his nonsense.

 

Hopefully you'll reconsider, and see this for what it really is.

[Cameron T]

He doesn't need to get better, he needs to grow up. Also, he'll continue to have many more "relapses" as long as you keep falling for his nonsense.

 

Hopefully you'll reconsider, and see this for what it really is.

 

I guess you're right. Funny how love blinds you. I can't believe I was going to rationalize what he did.

[JaggerJim]

He's a man who wants sex. I don't see anything wrong with that. He's just not the guy for you who is willing to wait. Can you blame him really???

[Jibralta]

He's a man who wants sex. I don't see anything wrong with that. He's just not the guy for you who is willing to wait. Can you blame him really???

 

I can blame him.

 

There's nothing wrong with wanting sex. There is something wrong with being in a committed relationship and cheating.

 

If he doesn't like her rules, he shouldn't be in the relationship. He is a free man. He can make his own choices. He chooses to deceive.

 

Weakness is no excuse. She should have a man that she can respect.

[JaggerJim]

I think it's good for the OP too see both sides of opinions. My opinion is that he is a red-blooded male who would love to be in a sexual relationship. I pointed it out earlier that he probably wasn't the guy for her.

 

If everybody keeps saying he's in "the wrong" then she will never be open to other's opinions and she will never grow. If she always learns "her way is right, no matter what" she will never learn any better. So I keep my opinion on the table for her to consider.

[Fun Boater 1]

I think it's good for the OP too see both sides of opinions. My opinion is that he is a red-blooded male who would love to be in a sexual relationship. I pointed it out earlier that he probably wasn't the guy for her.

 

If everybody keeps saying he's in "the wrong" then she will never be open to other's opinions and she will never grow. If she always learns "her way is right, no matter what" she will never learn any better. So I keep my opinion on the table for her to consider.

 

I'll cover your six on this one Jagger Jim. Your opinion is very valid, albeit unpopular probably. lol

 

She wants to wait "for marriage' and is not into, or ready for, a sexually active relationship, yet she wants a monogamous and committed relationship. The guy in question here is not a "sex addict". He's ready for, and apparently enjoys, a sexual relationship, and wants to be sexually active. And there is nothing wrong with that! Simple answer here appears to be - they are NOT compatible as a couple because they want very different things from a relationship at this point. OP - move on and focus on finding a guy who is much more in line with you commitment to postponse sex until marriage and hold strong to your conviction on that. There are plenty of guys out there who share your views on sexual activity. I'm guessing you both are pretty young too.

[ThatwasThen]

He's a man who wants sex. I don't see anything wrong with that. He's just not the guy for you who is willing to wait. Can you blame him really???

 

Yes, you can blame him because if he wasn't willing to wait, then he should have broken up with her and stopped reeling her back in. If he was really remorseful then he would get the proper rehabilitation and therapy that he needs to overcome. Just like any addiction, he will never get over it unless he gets the help he needs and the support from a trained person who will get to the bottom of why he can't be faithful. Obviously he wants one partner to live out his life with but he chose a virgin when he's a ball freak who has gone back to his "drug" of choice before he was with her, during he was with her and after he broke up with her. Claiming to have never "emotionally" cheated is tripe to the nth degree when the person he is saying it to holds sex sacred enough to wait until marriage.

 

Madonna/Who-are complex comes to mind. Google it and read the Wiki link.

 

OP: You have found yourself addicted to the wrong man. Get yourself away from him with zero contact forever and find a man that is not a sexual addict. There are a lot of them out there that you will indeed find the emotional connection to that you had with your sex addict.

[Wiseman2]

"A "technical virgin" is a person who has never had genital–genital sex but who has engaged in one or more sexually satisfying acts with one or more other people. People from conservative settings (cultural or familial) can maintain their virginity, while still engaging in "harmless exploration" or sexual bonding, by simply doing everything but penis-in-vagina intercourse.

 

This of course can lead to some terrible decisions, such as engaging in some unprotected oral or anal sex in an attempt to retain one's purity, even though this still carries a risk of STD transmission. This can be justified in settings where a character needs to retain their Virgin Power, but not really anywhere else."

[JaggerJim]

Omg! I just realised my opinion was going to be very un-popular!!!!!!!! lol

 

Ok thatwasthen I'll go google it and read it.

[ThatwasThen]

Jagger: I don't see anything wrong with a guy that wants sex either but there is something wrong with a guy that picks a virgin as a potential life mate and then keeps breaking up with her to have paid-for-sex. He is a cheater if he promised her that he would wait for her while being in a committed and what she perceived to be a monogamous relationship.

 

I agree that she has picked the wrong partner for herself and giving him another chance without him getting therapy to find out why he chose over and over again to pay for sex would be her taking a huge chance on him NOT having an addiction to escort encounters.

 

Asking a red blooded man (including priests of the catholic religion) to go sexless for years/months or even days is asking too much in my humble opinion but that is neither here nor there in this case since the dude knew the deal going in but chose to bait and switch the Op. How would she ever be able to trust him again? I know I wouldn't be able to.

[Jibralta]

If everybody keeps saying he's in "the wrong" then she will never be open to other's opinions and she will never grow. If she always learns "her way is right, no matter what" she will never learn any better. So I keep my opinion on the table for her to consider.

 

You're kind of losing me here. He cheated on her.

 

Are you saying it's "the right way" to cheat on somebody rather than say, "Hey, you know, this chastity thing isn't for me. I'm going to move on from this relationship," and then end the relationship?

[Wiseman2]

Agree, he seems like the type who's at the brothel on Saturdays and church on Sundays. And that will never change.

Madonna/Who-are complex comes to mind.

[JaggerJim]

You're kind of losing me here. He cheated on her.

 

Are you saying it's "the right way" to cheat on somebody rather than say, "Hey, you know, this chastity thing isn't for me. I'm going to move on from this relationship," and then end the relationship?

 

Yes he should have ended it that way. But he probably does love her and is acting out sexually in the wrong way. I guess I should have said it more delicately.

[Jibralta]

Yes he should have ended it that way. But he probably does love her and is acting out sexually in the wrong way. I guess I should have said it more delicately.

 

It doesn't need to be said delicately. He cheated on her. There's always a reason* for cheating.

 

_______________

*read: "excuse"

[Ms Darcy]

I think it's good for the OP too see both sides of opinions. My opinion is that he is a red-blooded male who would love to be in a sexual relationship. I pointed it out earlier that he probably wasn't the guy for her.

 

If everybody keeps saying he's in "the wrong" then she will never be open to other's opinions and she will never grow. If she always learns "her way is right, no matter what" she will never learn any better. So I keep my opinion on the table for her to consider.

 

It's called cheating. He didn't need to be in a relationship with her if he was going to cheat.

 

I also think it's actually a bit of a stereotype that men can't keep it in their pants if they want to. I've been with men who actually WANTED to wait. I didn't go off and have sex with others because I accepted that and we made an agreement.

 

If you cannot keep an agreement, don't be in a relationship with a virgin. (Not you of course.)

[JaggerJim]

Holy Heck, here they all come......

[Jibralta]

I also think it's actually a bit of a stereotype that men can't keep it in their pants if they want to.

 

That's what I'm seeing here. Men aren't all sex fiends who can't control themselves.

[Jibralta]

Holy Heck, here they all come......

 

Sorry, I don't mean to beat up on you

 

But you said something that doesn't make sense to me, see....

[JaggerJim]

Let's just forget it. Wish the OP was here.

[ThatwasThen]

It doesn't need to be said delicately. He cheated on her. There's always a reason for cheating.

 

No there is always an "excuse" for cheating.

[ThatwasThen]

Originally Posted by Ms Darcy

 

I also think it's actually a bit of a stereotype that men can't keep it in their pants if they want to.

That's what I'm seeing here. Men aren't all sex fiends who can't control themselves.

 

Wanting to keep it in their pants and keeping it in their pants when they don't want to are two different things.

[Jibralta]

No there is always an "excuse" for cheating.

 

Yes, that's really what I was getting at.

[reinventmyself]

I'll cover your six on this one Jagger Jim. Your opinion is very valid, albeit unpopular probably. lol

 

She wants to wait "for marriage' and is not into, or ready for, a sexually active relationship, yet she wants a monogamous and committed relationship. The guy in question here is not a "sex addict". He's ready for, and apparently enjoys, a sexual relationship, and wants to be sexually active. And there is nothing wrong with that! Simple answer here appears to be - they are NOT compatible as a couple because they want very different things from a relationship at this point. OP - move on and focus on finding a guy who is much more in line with you commitment to postponse sex until marriage and hold strong to your conviction on that. There are plenty of guys out there who share your views on sexual activity. I'm guessing you both are pretty young too.

No, the is not an act of a healthy man looking for sexual contact.

 

He told her he is addicted or porn and maturation and lacks self control.

 

Some of the responses infer that it might have been her values pushed him over the edge to act out.