i can't be sad about this anymore.

[a freakin egg]

Hi everyone, I've never posted on here before but I'm feeling pretty desperate so I'm going to give it a try. I hope this isn't stupid

I met my ex in January. We are both juniors in high school. Before I met him I wasn't depressed, but I wasn't particularly happy either. Life was kind of grey, and it had been for a while. I didn't have much of a motivation to do anything. I wasn't that popular at school and I always felt alone, as I have felt for most of my life. But when my ex and I started dating, it's like he brought color into my world. It wasn't my first relationship (it was his) and I don't know a lot about love, but I think I was (and still am) in love with him. Every morning I woke up blissful just knowing he was a part of my life. He made me happy on Sundays (my sad day) because I knew I was going to see him the next day. Being with him made me want to be a better me, I started putting effort into my schoolwork and going to the gym again. Being with him made me more confident so I started making more friends and my personality changed for the better, I believe. He just made me so god damn happy to be alive...I would do anything for that boy...No person or thing had ever made me this happy. We were so good together too, everything about us was so natural and there were never any dull or awkward moments between us. I know that you can't truly know someone after a month, but we told each other everything about ourselves and I saw the side of him that isn't as glamorous as the side he projects to the world. And I loved that side of him too. And then, just as suddenly as it began, it ended. Everything was going fine and then he told me that he wasn't in the right mindset for a girlfriend, that he just needed a close friend, that he wanted to be with me but he was too busy and he couldn't give me the attention I deserved. He said he has things he needs to sort out. He said "this doesn't mean we can't get back together" and that he didn't want things to change between us. I was crushed but I had to respect his wishes so I went along with it cheerfully. I know that he is busy between school and his job and his family life, and I do respect the fact that those things are his top priorities. But I can't stop being sad. I don't know how much of what he told me when he broke up with me is true; half of me thinks it's all BS he said to let me down easy, but I don't think he broke up with me because of something about me because he told his friend the same thing he told me. Now, we have this "friendship" that is killing me. He still saves a seat for me at his lunch table, but he doesn't text or call me anymore. Sometimes in class we'll be sitting together and he will just have his headphones in. We still talk like we used to but minus the cutesy relationship stuff. I just feel like he forgot everything we did together because he seems perfectly fine. This is taking a toll on my physical and mental health because I already have an anxiety disorder and this situation is draining energy from me every day. Whenever I think I am ok and getting over him I remember all the things we did together and I have a meltdown. It is seriously unhealthy and I don't know what to do. I can't completely avoid him because we have class together but I'm scared that ending our friendship will make him just forget about me forever.

I just want to be as happy as I was during that month, as pathetic as that sounds, that was the most amazing time in my life. I've been in longer relationships before than that which I had with him and I wasn't this torn up when they ended. I know I'm young and high school relationships don't last, but ours brought so much light into my life. I don't know if he will ever be "ready for a relationship" and maybe he just didn't want one with me. I would wait for him, for however long he needed me to. I just want to be with him again. I know that time will make it better and that I will eventually get over him, but then I know I will be back to grey and dull days. And the thought of him being with someone else rips me to pieces. The only thing that honestly keeps me going is the little shred of hope that we can be together again.

Please, if anyone knows how I can make this stop hurting, please help me. I've been through worse things and when they happened, I felt numb. Now, I wish I was numb.

[leftinrain]

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles . It sounds like he was really good for you , as in motivated you to be your best self. Now you just have to keep it up for yourself !... Stay friends with him but if your hurting maybe you need a bit of distance. I'm sure he won't forget about you, some might even suggest it would help him to miss you a little bit .

[chitown9]

I notice that you are both juniors in high school. My guess is that he is distancing from you because he is projecting that it will be necessary to part once the two of you graduate. He may already know what college he will attend, for example. That would explain why he does not want you to become more invested in your relationship. He is actually pulling away from what you once had. I would hav a heart to heart talk with him. Ask him what the deal is. Otherwise, you will always be in this state of wondering what in the heck happened..... chi

[a freakin egg]

I notice that you are both juniors in high school. My guess is that he is distancing from you because he is projecting that it will be necessary to part once the two of you graduate. He may already know what college he will attend, for example. That would explain why he does not want you to become more invested in your relationship. He is actually pulling away from what you once had. I would hav a heart to heart talk with him. Ask him what the deal is. Otherwise, you will always be in this state of wondering what in the heck happened..... chi

 

I would have thought that too, but the thing is we are both artists and there are a bunch of colleges we were looking into together so it would be totally possible for us to see each other in college.

[Wiseman2]

Infatuation releases a flood of brain chemistry that creates euphoric effects and acts as an anti-depressant.

 

As for your general inertia, ask your parents to take you to a doctor and therapist to address that.

 

It's a bad habit to get into to treat mild depression with infatuation. Or become dependent on romance or partners to make you happy. Why are 'Sundays the worst'? Are there problems at home?

[chitown9]

I would have thought that too, but the thing is we are both artists and there are a bunch of colleges we were looking into together so it would be totally possible for us to see each other in college.

 

Hmmm....well, that puts a different spin on things. You need to have that talk with him, honey. If you don't, it will haunt you for a very long time. chi

[Jibralta]

I've been through worse things and when they happened, I felt numb. Now, I wish I was numb.

 

I get it. There's no easy way out, though. Only time.

 

As wiseman says, hormones play a huge role in the first few months. So new relationships can feel like the best thing that ever happened to us, even when they're not. Sometimes those break ups are the most painful. But it does pass.

[a freakin egg]

no, not really. i have this thing in my mind where i am always more sad on sundays than on other days because it is the eve of school, i know that no one likes sundays but i find it really hard to be in a good mood on those days. it's a weird mental thing tbh.

i used to go to a therapist for my anxiety but my dad didn't think it was necessary for me to continue going.

[a freakin egg]

Infatuation releases a flood of brain chemistry that creates euphoric effects and acts as an anti-depressant.

 

As for your general inertia, ask your parents to take you to a doctor and therapist to address that.

 

It's a bad habit to get into to treat mild depression with infatuation. Or become dependent on romance or partners to make you happy. Why are 'Sundays the worst'? Are there problems at home?

 

no, not really. i have this thing in my mind where i am always more sad on sundays than on other days because it is the eve of school, i know that no one likes sundays but i find it really hard to be in a good mood on those days. it's a weird mental thing tbh.

i used to go to a therapist for my anxiety but my dad didn't think it was necessary for me to continue going