My boyfriend's father is terrible to me.

[kjt2017]

My boyfriend of 11 months and I are amazing together. I know I could never find another man like him. He is all I want and need. There is just one problem- his parents, more so, his father. The first day I met his father, his dad said, "We all know this is just puppy love. You guys might not make it. But nice to meet you." From that moment my life has been hell. His father says all the worst things he could. When I got my first tattoo, his dad sat me down and told me how I will never get a job and that my opinion is wrong and it's "just the real world, so get used to it." My tattoo is of music notes, which represent how through suicidal times, music helped me. At the end of his dad's rant, he sarcastically said "I don't get it. You're a musician. Congratulations." He's also told me that I need to learn to "shut up" and not argue with people by just not speaking. He's very old fashioned so also, in his mind, I am "a woman, and should know to go straight to a full sink and fix it." My boyfriends father is also a raging alcoholic. He calls my boyfriend ugly, tells him his beard will prevent him from getting a job, etc. His dad is very concerned with work and not good mental health. My boyfriend is 17, and I'm 16. He is continuously taking my boyfriend who works 20 hours a week's money to pay for car repair parts even though he has the money. Last night at dinner, his dad was telling me that I should get a job again (I quit at McDonald's because of the terrible treatment I received) and that all I have to do is "shut the up and do whatever they say." He then told me to say "yes" and then said "did that really hurt?" My boyfriend cries at least 4 times a week because of the way this man treats him. I'm at the point where I cannot go over there or I will call his dad many not-nice things and not be allowed to see him. I've asked my boyfriend if he wants to stay in contact with his father in the future, more importantly, let our future children around his father. He replied yes. I'm concerned because I want my daughter to know that she is more than an accessory to men. My boyfriend's father tells my boyfriend to keep me under control and be the man of the house, but I want my future daughter to know that she should aim to share the household, not be under superior rule. I want my daughter to know that she is more than barbies, she is more than the color pink, she is more than chores and being silent at a man's command. I want her to know that she doesn't need to learn to "shut the up" every time she is treated terribly. I also don't want to be treated terribly in the future. My boyfriend is too afraid to stick up for me because of his dad's alcoholism, but if I stick up for myself, his dad messes with his brain by saying I'm controlling his mind and brainwashing him to hate his parents. This man is the love of my life and I know I'm only 16, but I've been raped, emotionally abused, and just treated terribly by men. This man is the one. His parents just make it so hard to imagine a future together.

[Wiseman2]

Don't hang out there. You shouldn't be eating dinner there. He sounds like a pontificating drunk. Don't even engage or rebel against or bother to make a point with someone like that.

 

Hang out at your place. Invite your bf over more or go out n more. At 16 don't worry about disconnecting your bf from his father or what your kids will think. Be aware the acorn doesn't fall far from the tree.

My boyfriends father is also a raging alcoholic. My boyfriend is 17, and I'm 16. Last night at dinner, his dad was telling me that I should get a job again I've asked my boyfriend if he wants to stay in contact with his father. He replied yes.

[Seraphim]

Why are your parents letting you go there to be abused?

[melancholy123]

Stay away from his house and his father. Dont go where you will be verbally abused. My husband's mother was really nasty to me (in a different way from your bf's father) but nasty is nasty. I started staying away from their house and my life got better and I was much happier. You will not win any battle with an alcoholic chauvinist loud mouth, so dont even try.

[Seraphim]

I understand having been raped at 13 and emotionally abused as well leaves you open to more abuse. Stay away from

his house. Seriously, no one is worth more abuse. No one. You can love him and be his gf and not go to his house.

[Seraphim]

If it helps my husband made me believe in men again. We were significantly older. 20 and 22 but we are still together at 47 and 50.

[abitbroken]

I've asked my boyfriend if he wants to stay in contact with his father in the future, more importantly, let our future children around his father. He replied yes. I'm concerned because I want my daughter to know that she is more than an accessory to men.

 

This is not fair, as a 16 year old girl to ask your boyfriend about contact with his father. he is still a child. He has a long way to go in order to establish boundaries and an adult relationship with his dad. If he is crying at night instead of thinking "dad is dad, and i don't agree" and is spending time away from home at the library studying, and taking a track that will able him to have gainful employment so he can move out after high school, then he has a long way to go as far as maturity as well.

 

I don't think you should be thinking of future children - at all - you have been dating since you were 15 years old, I assume. I think that you should stop spending time at his house and focus on your grades, part time job, etc.

[jujusamples]

I think you are thinking way too far and fast into the future. You are assuming you will have a daughter in the future and don't want that daughter around your boyfriend's dad. It's a little far fetched. Stop thinking those things. It's not healthy for you mentally. You are only 16, you are still very young and for the record, you can not chose the sex of your baby!

 

Second, why are you hanging out at your boyfriend's place when his father is a raging alcoholic? You are asking your boyfriend very unfair questions. I know his dad is unreasonable but you can not tell a child if he's ever going to see his parents in the future. Why don't you two just focus on school, hobbies, perhaps just being teenagers? I'd stay away from hanging out at his house.

 

I understand you've been through some bad abuse as a child, maybe one of your focus is to go through some therapy and work through those emotional trauma? I know, I didn't do that when I was your age as I was abused and now in my 30's I have to deal with it. It's not fun but apparently you have to deal with it at some point in your life.

[Capricorn3]

I think you are thinking way too far and fast into the future. You are assuming you will have a daughter in the future and don't want that daughter around your boyfriend's dad. It's a little far fetched. Stop thinking those things. It's not healthy for you mentally. You are only 16, you are still very young and for the record, you can not chose the sex of your baby!

 

Second, why are you hanging out at your boyfriend's place when his father is a raging alcoholic? You are asking your boyfriend very unfair questions. I know his dad is unreasonable but you can not tell a child if he's ever going to see his parents in the future. Why don't you two just focus on school, hobbies, perhaps just being teenagers? I'd stay away from hanging out at his house. .

 

abitbroken: -I don't think you should be thinking of future children - at all - you have been dating since you were 15 years old, I assume. I think that you should stop spending time at his house and focus on your grades, part time job, etc.

 

I totally agree with the above two posts. No need to add anymore as they nailed it. You're 16. Focus on your education. You'll be adult soon enough and trust me, it's not remotely what you imagine it to be.

[thornz]

I've got to disagree with the previous posters, to consider how an environment might affect any children is important and many people never consider this until it is too late. After all if you're having sex it's not impossible even when using multiple methods of contraception. I wish more people considered how their relationships and circumstances might damage or affect any children they have. If you plan to have children one day then their relationship with their family is an important consideration when choosing a partner.

 

You don't have to go to his parents, I would advise against it. You can be supportive of your bf in any decisions he makes but ultimately the decision to remove himself from this toxic environment is his own. Just be aware that victims of abuse find it difficult to break the cycle. If you don't like his choice to stay there then you can leave him and move on. All the best!

[catfeeder]

There's a difference between avoiding BF's father versus making BF feel lousy about his attachment to his father. You can invoke self preservation without trying to pit BF against his parents. That's doable, while attempts to erode BF's love and loyalty toward his family will only erode your relationship instead. That will put BF in an unnecessary pressure cooker of abuse--his father's with your own piled on.

 

You can be supportive by listening to BF and asking him how you can help, but inserting yourself into his future is premature and attempting to manipulate him to behave as you wish is controlling. I'd skip that. Invite BF to your home or neutral ground, and stay away from his Dad.

[abitbroken]

I've got to disagree with the previous posters, to consider how an environment might affect any children is important and many people never consider this until it is too late. After all if you're having sex it's not impossible even when using multiple methods of contraception. I wish more people considered how their relationships and circumstances might damage or affect any children they have. If you plan to have children one day then their relationship with their family is an important consideration when choosing a partner.

 

You don't have to go to his parents, I would advise against it. You can be supportive of your bf in any decisions he makes but ultimately the decision to remove himself from this toxic environment is his own. Just be aware that victims of abuse find it difficult to break the cycle. If you don't like his choice to stay there then you can leave him and move on. All the best!

 

Do you even understand my point that she is a 16 year old kid and should NOT be worried about "her future children" at this point. Its up to her to worry about HERSELF - if she is uncomfortable in this situation she should leave. If she was 10 years older and engaged to this guy - thinking about future kids is valid - but she is way too young to give a thought to that.