My boyfriend doesn't trust me.

[Louiselamb1]

So I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years we have a 12 week old baby. When I first met him I had a friend who was my partner in crime (or so I thought) she wasn't the nicest of people but was always to me so I never worried to much, then when I got with my boyfriend she changed instantly and tried everything in her power to split us up by saying things to him to make him believe I've cheated. She even went as far as to give a man my phone number messaged him off my phone and made out it was me, this is just one of the many things she done. I ended my friendship with her a couple of month into my relationship with my boyfriend. Since then he has no trust in me I have spent the past year and half not speaking

To any friends just staying in the house cos apparently I can't be trusted to go out. I have let him take this control for this long in the hope it will make him see that I would never cheat and I love him, because believe me I do. He also has a cocaine problem and when he takes it he gets really paranoid checks all the bins, checks the whole house basically for evidence that I have had people in. He can scare me at time and has gone to hit me with my son in my arms. He's spat in my face, dragged me to the floor by my stomach 6 week after a c section. I'm not completely innocent I have three things at him before. He constantly calls me a tramp and a slag and he has defiantly affecTed my confidence. He disappears on occasion he works night shift but has many times not come home for hours after his shift finishes, always comes back off his head saying he's been with his friends. The day my son was born he left the hospital an hour after and as I know now went out I didn't hear from him till 2pm the next day I was sat in hospital going out of my mind when I got home with my baby there was blood all over my house he had marks like he had been in a fight An there was enough beer to take a small elephant out. My house was trashed. So the other day we have an argument and he basically told me he's cheated on me but then quickly changed his mind and said he said it to hurt me. He says things about leaving me all the time he wants to split our money but then on the other hand books holidays with me so therefore plans a future. I just don't understand why if he hates me so much and truly believes I have cheated why is he with me? I wish I could prove to him that I would never do that to him I love him and want to be with him forever. He wants me to do a lie detector test which I can't get my head around and don't see how it would help because he clearly doesn't trust me, he knows I'm at home with my baby but accuses me of sneaking people in the house while he's at work. I can't even ask him what time he will be home because he will then say it's so I can sneak someone out, I'm losing my mind with it all I feel like I have no where to turn.

[indea08]

Leave him. This is dangerous for you and your baby and this is no environment for a child to grow up in. Ask your parents for help and get away from this loser. Quickly.

[reinventmyself]

That's the saddest story I have read in some time.

I hear you somewhat justifying all his horrific behavior and how if you loved him just enough it might go away.

 

Do you have any family near by?

You need to get out of this situation. It will just escalate.

[Wiseman2]

Do you have friends or family nearby? Please leave him immediately with your son and go there. You can't let a paranoid abusive cokehead near your son...or you. What if the cops show up or someone calls CPS they will take him away from BOTH of you.

 

Is the crackhouse environment you are staying in a good environment to raise your child? Run

 

Go to social services for medical care and food stamps for you and your child as well as safe housing for your son, before they take him away from you because you are not protecting him from this crackhouse environment.

He also has a cocaine problem

He can scare me at time and has gone to hit me with my son in my arms.

He's spat in my face, dragged me to the floor by my stomach 6 week after a c section.

[nutbrownhare]

Get out of this toxic nightmare of a relationship as quickly as you can - before he seriously injures or even kills either you or the baby.

 

Unfortunately, paranoia is a side effect of cocaine use, and it doesn't go away; your situation is only going to get worse. Is there anywhere at all you can go to?

[abitbroken]

Please establish your own bank account so he cant disappear with all the money. Make copies of the critical papers like baby's and your birth certificate, car title, license, ssn, etc, and find a safe place like your parents house to take them too, then when he is not home put your basic clothing and basic baby supplies in the car and go. Leave behind the big stuff, furniture,crib, things that can be instantly replaced like extra baby wipes and leave. If you have no family, go to a women and children's shelter. They may provide you with an advocate. If he brings drugs home call the cops and you should have reported him before for physical abuse. you need to leave before you end up dead or your baby does.

[Louiselamb1]

I have left and gone to my mums a few times but then I always end up coming back. I hear a lot from friends that I try to justify his behaviour and I probably do. It's the ty thing that I've heard so many people say "he isn't like it all the time" he can be so good to me but then can turn so quickly. I think because I know people have tried causing trouble for us And planted seeds in his head that I understood why he felt the way he did so I felt the need to prove to him that it's all just a nasty jealous girl who wanted me to stay single to be her friend but he doesn't want to see that regardless of what I do. But he's seen me be nothing but a mum for nearly 2 years and won't judge me on what he's seen of me his self. It's absolutely heartbreaking. I'm just finding it so hard to let go.

[nutbrownhare]

I think because I know people have tried causing trouble for us And planted seeds in his head that I understood why he felt the way he did so I felt the need to prove to him that it's all just a nasty jealous girl who wanted me to stay single to be her friend but he doesn't want to see that regardless of what I do.

 

He feels the way he does because he's a knobhead and an abuser with a cocaine habit - this isn't about either you or your friend. Don't try to "understand" him; much better to understand that this isn't going to get better. Being nice and kind is part of the cycle of abuse, and you're putting both yourself and your child in great danger while you stay with him.

 

Here's some information which will help you understand what's really going on: [url="

[Louiselamb1]

I'm embarrassed to even write this as I know the response already and I can't believe the person I've become I'm the very last person anyone would of thought would be in this situation. My question is does anyone think me taking a lie detector to prove my innocence would help the situation. I say this only because he has been told I have cheated and maybe it would clear his head and then know I'm not a liar.

[nutbrownhare]

I'm embarrassed to even write this as I know the response already and I can't believe the person I've become I'm the very last person anyone would of thought would be in this situation. My question is does anyone think me taking a lie detector to prove my innocence would help the situation. I say this only because he has been told I have cheated and maybe it would clear his head and then know I'm not a liar.

 

This isn't about you, Sweetie. People who are paranoid will just readjust reality to suit their perception... there is a story about a psychiatrist whose paranoid client refused to believe that he was a doctor, saying that he was an FBI agent. Next time, the psych brought in all his certificates to prove his professional status. The client then declared that it PROVED he was an FBI agent, because nobody else could have got hold of that kind of documentation so quickly! I have a brother with cocaine-related paranoia, and some of the stuff he comes out with is absolutely astonishing... and there's no shifting it.

 

What YOU need to shift is yourself, though. You can't change your guy, or his delusions.

[Louiselamb1]

I understand what you mean that is exactly something he would say, he has an answer for everything and truly believes what he is saying. The amount of stories he has made up about me from a situation with maybe 1% truth he will then make his own story up. Such as a random man could message me on social media who I don't no nor have ever met and by receiving that one message never replying to it tho he will then create a story that they must know me to message me therefore I have been meeting these people. He's a man and I know he has messaged girls on social media before. It's like he wants to believe I have cheated wether he invents the story himself or not.

[Louiselamb1]

I appreciate ur advice and understand you to a point, my house is not like a crackhouse he does take cocaiine but always away from the house like I said when he disappears after work. It's not a daily or weekly thing he does this maybe every couple of month or something. Which is a couple of times a month to often agreed.

[abitbroken]

I have left and gone to my mums a few times but then I always end up coming back. I hear a lot from friends that I try to justify his behaviour and I probably do. It's the ty thing that I've heard so many people say "he isn't like it all the time" he can be so good to me but then can turn so quickly. I think because I know people have tried causing trouble for us And planted seeds in his head that I understood why he felt the way he did so I felt the need to prove to him that it's all just a nasty jealous girl who wanted me to stay single to be her friend but he doesn't want to see that regardless of what I do. But he's seen me be nothing but a mum for nearly 2 years and won't judge me on what he's seen of me his self. It's absolutely heartbreaking. I'm just finding it so hard to let go.

 

They are not "causing trouble". They are genuinely afraid for you.

 

If he was a different race or class, etc, but was wonderful - or they wished you would have married their brother - then that is causing trouble.

 

I used to think my family was "causing trouble" but all they were saying is when they saw us together, he didn't abuse me in front of them, but treated me poorly in subtle ways that disturbed them, They were disturbed that he never let me come to the phone/controlled when i could talk to them.All sorts of things. MAYBE one of the girl wanted you to be single with her, but maybe she didn't know how to warn you in a way that you would listen and that's how she did it.

 

There is something called the mean and sweet cycle. Someone is horrible, and then they go the other way briefly and that tricks you into staying. Think of people with good marriages - does anyone ever hit or control the other person? NO. Do you want your child when they are older and more aware see their father hit mom, and have no problem hitting her with the child in her arms? Kids have vivid memories of things like that and either learn to NOT respect their mother because their dad is showing them that she does not deserve respect and starts abusing her or a future wife or husband or child, too, or they avoid healthy relationships. Its not about you anymore or spiting a friend you thought was wrong, but totally about your child.

 

One of the forum members had their mom's friend murdered by her abusive husband because she wouldn't leave. It seems the only way you will leave is if you end up in the emergency room and then it will be too late.

[reinventmyself]

Jeffery Dahmer was very charming. If you don't know who he is, he is a notorious serial killer.

He lured people into his web by being sooo nice and charming.

 

Look. . Everyone, including serial killers have a good side to them.

It doesn't make them relationship material, let alone a father.

 

Yes. . he's nice to you so he can get what he wants. The rest of the time he's abusive.

If he wasn't somewhat kind at times, he'd lose you. He knows that. You don't expect much.

So his being nice is self serving.

 

Look up "intermittent reinforcement"

It's a theory that keeps people like you hooked in abusive relationships.

You are deprived of decency, so much so you are very grateful and feel indebted when you do get it.

You should expect someone to treat you with decency. . and not feel grateful for the small flicker of when they do so.

 

It's what keeps gamblers hooked on slot machines. They keep investing money and pulling the handle with no pay off.

But they stay because they feel like they have invested so much. For every 100 pulls, you get one return. It's a vicious cycle.

You stay because you are living for those small moments when he is decent. You need to believe you deserve more.

You stay because you feel you've got so much invested and you are growing old waiting for the pay off. . .that isn't going to happen.

 

And no. . .you taking a lie detector test isn't going to change this man into a prince.

Besides, it's the very thing he holds over your head to control you. He isn't interested in the truth when

he got such a powerful weapon he uses against you.

And it works. . .

[Wiseman2]

Why feed into his cokehead paranoia. No it gets better when you get yourself out and save your child from this nightmare.

My question is does anyone think me taking a lie detector to prove my innocence would help the situation.

[Capricorn3]

Why feed into his cokehead paranoia. No it gets better when you get yourself out and save your child from this nightmare.

 

Totally agree. You need to put your child first and your child needs a safe and stable environment to grow up in. Right now, it's toxic and dysfunctional. Do the right thing for your child.

[Wiseman2]

A lot of women in abusive relationships do this. Now you have a child to worry about. Stay with your mother away from drugs. For good.

 

Start reading about abusive relationships and drug addicts:

I have left and gone to my mums a few times but then I always end up coming back.

[Cleardecisions]

I'm just going to say read every post above me and please please please get away from him for everyone involved's sake. You have got to realize no other factor is worth staying with this situation. You have got to break free, however hard it may be.

 

Good luck