Ex and I Are Dating Again But Feeling Insecure About Who He Was During Break

[cellis4]

So my ex and I broke up in October. I broke up with him because he was unmotivated and I felt like it was kind of the last straw for me. I'd been with him for 4 years and I was basically tired of it. When we broke up we we would casually check up on each other. I knew it wasn't healthy to do that. But I didn't want to let go. I still loved him very much and I do now. When we weren't together I had casually talked to other people but nothing came of it. I went on a date, it was fine but the whole time I was thinking about my ex. Around January I went to him and basically said I thought I made a mistake and that I love him and miss him. I never truly appreciated how much he did for me. No, I didn't get the sappy instagram or facebook posts(don't like PDA anyways), I didn't really get flowers (hate them anyways) but I got pure love from him. We never really argued, and the only flaw in our relationship was that he wasn't really motivated to do better in college and I was graduating and I felt like we were on two different maturity levels. Well, when I basically threw my heart at his face in January, he told me that he was really messed up for the past couple of months and he is just starting to get better as a person and he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. Well little did I know he was talking to this girl that we both know and I've always had issues with her. She always likes his stuff on social media. She was always flirty with him before we dated and of course as soon as she finds out we break up she jumps on the opportunity. Well she lives in Honduras, but came to town in January for two weeks. And I know they hung out. But I didn't find out about that until this past weekend. So as this is all happening, I'm having like crazy anxiety and just am not feeling closure. And I was thinking why does he "check on me" every couple of weeks if he wants to move on. So Feb 15th we talked and I said that I can't do this wishy washy stuff anymore where he'll randomly text me and ask how I am. I told him I wanted to do a month of no communication, no stalking social media whatever. So the month rolls around and he basically comes back to me saying he loves me and he didn't really know what he had until now and that he wants to be with me. At first I was hesitant because I spent that month truly working on myself and honestly accepting the fact that in a month I wasn't going to hear from him. Well we ended up going to dinner and a movie, and it was honestly awesome. I ended up going to his house after and we had sex. But if the feeling is mutual, what ever why not. But I then spent the night at his house that Tuesday. And then this past Friday we were planning on going to dinner, but last minute he asked me if I wanted to go to his family cabin for the weekend with his family and just hang out, drink beer, be disconnected from our phones etc. That honestly sounded great to me and I was so down. So I went this past weekend, it was great. On Saturday we shot guns, fished, rode 4-wheelers, hiked, everything I love to be honest. We didn't look at our phones once. Well on Sunday he was out doing stuff in the yard and I saw his phone, and because I'm crazy and obviously insecure I looked at it. He had texts with that girl yes from January and that was how I found out that she was in town and they actually hung out. She even went to the hospital with him when his sister had her baby.......so he walked in and I was crying. I told him that it's none of my business what he did while we weren't together but I just felt like I needed to know and also that if I knew I would feel better. Wrong. He reassured me that he did talk to her, and he ended up not liking her, and he hasn't talked to her in like a month. And that if he really didn't want to be with me he wouldn't have reached out to me and basically told me all he wants is to be with me. But I keep thinking about this girl and how she met his family and how they said she was pretty. Even in the texts he says to her that his family really likes her, and she said to him that her family likes him. She's the whole package: she's beautiful, she is outdoorsy, she has a great family, etc. All I keep thinking is why would he want to be with me. When we're together I don't feel that way, but when I'm not with him or not working I constantly think about it. I think about her snap chatting him randomly or maybe sending a text to catch up, whatever. He told me if I wanted he would delete her on everything just to show me how much he wants to be with me. I don't want to be this type of person, I never have been until this. I feel like these insecurities are already putting a strain on the relationship on my side at least because I'm afraid of getting hurt again. How do I get rid of these insecure feelings? How do I get passed the fact that he talked to this girl, was interested in her, she met his family vice versa? I truly love him and want it to work out and he does too but at the same time I think about it and get sick to at the thought of him talking to someone else.

[Wiseman2]

When you dump someone you both can date whomever you wish. You know from your own history that he likes hanging out with girls he dates even after breaking up.

 

You don't breakup to prove a point or coerce people. You breakup because a relationship isn't working.

 

Be careful what you wish for. You broke up with him insisting he do better.

I broke up with him because he was unmotivated and I felt like it was kind of the last straw for me. I'd been with him for 4 years and I was basically tired of it. he basically comes back to me saying he loves me and he didn't really know what he had until now and that he wants to be with me. I told him that it's none of my business what he did while we weren't together but I just felt like I needed to know.

[j.man]

It's pretty common for a guy, whether dumper or dumpee, to take his new-found freedom and go to bed with a fresh pair of boobs. Personally, it's my go-to. It's best to treat it as, as you admit, something that's ultimately none of your business and that anything or nothing could have happened. Practice safe sex accordingly.

 

Best to be sure before you pull the trigger in the future.

[Pretzel]

I think a lot of this comes down to you. At the beginning it was your decision to break up. Despite the fact that it became confusing, and tables turned a couple of times, it was initially you who triggered it. Personally, I don't understand it when people take the decision to break up with someone so very lightly. In my own past, and plus in what I've seen from friends' relationships. I have a lot of friends who have broken up with someone and then later regretted it. I personally can't imagine making that choice unless I truly meant it and that means the WHOLE package - that means you are okay with them moving on and meeting someone else. That is what a break up means. And you should consider it irreversible - which it sounds as if you did eventually. But, the fact that you got back together and are now insecure is just a side effect of taking time out from your relationship and dealing with the implications of that.

 

So if anything, please just take it as a lesson learnt that you shouldn't threaten the relationship moving forwards if you want a future with this person.

 

As for your insecurity regarding this girl, you will just have to get over it if you stay with it. And that is a choice you can make by only focusing on the fact that he is with you, not with her. And if he wanted to be, it sounds like he could just be with her instead. But he hasn't made that choice so there is no point in fretting over it.

[Hollyj]

He had a right to do whatever he wanted. You need to get over it!!

 

Did your problem change, or did you simply take him back because you were lonely?

[cellis4]

Hollyj,

 

My problems really have changed, and I posted on this forum a couple months ago and both wiseman and jman put me into perspective. Why should I care if he has a college education if he makes me happy? And that it was basically stupid for me to end a relationship and hold it over his head because he wasn't doing well in school. And the more I think about it, the dumber I feel. I had a lot of pressure put on me from my parents about his schooling, therefore transferring that pressure onto him. He forgives me for it, and he does want to do better whether it be school or just getting a good job and he is making efforts. But either way, I want him to be happy. And I want to be with him every step of the way. We've both saved up a good bit of money and we've even talked about just up and moving from our hometown because it is the worst. The law firm I work for has an office out in Denver and Texas. We seriously talked about it, as a fresh start and I would go. When I'm with him I have no doubts about his love for me and about this girl being out of the picture. And sometimes when he senses that I'm quieter than usual, he puts me into perspective and tells me that he really doesn't feel anything for her and that he is here with me right now. I just get caught up in my own thoughts and insecurities.

[nutbrownhare]

Yep... all you can do is start from here. It doesn't sound as though there was any real overlap, and he also sounds sincere in his desire to be with you...

 

As others have said, it was you who ended the relationship. You have no hold whatsoever over someone after you've dumped them; in fact you're lucky that he was prepared to keep in touch with you at all. I know I wouldn't be!

 

AND YOU SNOOPED THROUGH HIS PHONE!!! And not only did he not kick you to the kerb, he offered reassurance! Many people would have shown you the door at that point, but he didn't.

 

As to how to get past it... remind yourself that he did nothing wrong, and that you have no right to restrict who he talks to if you're not actually together. You'd dumped him; he was moving on. It was you who snooped, and found out all the information that's causing the insecurity at the moment. You've treated him quite shabbily, actually, and he's still with you. Feeling insecure because he spoke to someone when you were apart makes no more sense than being jealous of people he dated before you two even met - and even then he's willing to delete her from everything to try and make you feel better! This speaks volumes for his feelings for you, and his willingness to work through the issues you have. If anything, he has far more cause not to trust you, and your feelings for him, than the other way round - but he's still hanging on in there, reassuring you in every way available to him.

 

Learn from this, and don't hold your entire relationship hostage if you're not actually ready to leave. Ending a relationship as a means of punishing the other person is likely to hurt you more than them in the long run.

[SooSad33]

I broke up with him because he was unmotivated and I felt like it was kind of the last straw for me. I'd been with him for 4 years and I was basically tired of it.

- Remember WHY you first broke up.

 

I seriously feel you NEED some down time.. away from all of this & him for a while.

You need to get yourself back on track.

 

Right now in your life, I feel you're confused.. and never really had a good 'break' away from him at all.

 

Surely no time in order to fix anything that broke your relationship, back a few months ago.... right?

 

So- he ended up hanging with another girl- his doing.. his choice.

 

You didn't do much during the break cause you weren't into it.. I wouldn't have either.

 

But... so often, sadly, second attempts still fail for a number of reasons.

-Reasons for initial BU

- Hard feelings remaining from the BU

- Feelings may not be as strong the 2nd time around.

etc.

 

Not sure if you'll be able to get over this fully? It has happened.. what now?

[Wiseman2]

Ok you could run away together but then you are still trying to lead him around and control him.

 

What if you get to these places and he decides he wants to flip hamburgers for a career?

we've even talked about just up and moving from our hometown because it is the worst. The law firm I work for has an office out in Denver and Texas.